Usually Mother's Day has little impact on me. This year has been oddly different but not so odd really.
Working my steps I am at step 8 - Made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them.
I have a lot of raw awareness recently from working steps 6 and 7 and it's been coincidental that a lot of people from my past both recent past and distant past too who have helped with the increasing self awareness and the realisation of amends.
I was usually late or disruptive with things like my mum's birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas - the perceived major days of the year which my mum took very seriously.
Today I am aware yet again how often I upset her. She was an incredible woman, eccentric, funny, very caring, very differing views on matters than some of my own, feisty, vivacious, well liked and so on. She was larger than life at times and I loved her very much.
I am so so sorry that I didn't value her more when she was alive and at times respect her more like the little things that were so important to her. I could have been less selfish at times but I was so bloody arrogant and stubborn (and very very ill with addiction).
I know she loved me very much and I loved her and still do.
I miss her so that it hurts in my heart. The pain sometimes is so great it feels like I could explode with it.
I managed to put my selfish aside today for an hour and drove to her grave. It means little to me - she is not there and all I remember of it is putting her coffin in that hole. Some people I know find something helpful about a grave. However, I know my mum would like to think people would tend her grave and put flowers there. And so I did despite really not wanting to - having to go out when I needed to be studying and just not wanting to make the effort as it means so little to me. I did it in her honour and to say sorry.
I cried all the way there so stopped and bought myself a cafetiere which I have avoided for years. I don't seem to live life without something addictive - my food is in order but my caffeine intake has increased so that the effect is no longer happening. Poo.
So yes my heart is aching for her. If only she could come back. It's not spirit her or anything else that I want it's alive her. I want to cuddle her, I want to smell her, I want to here her voice, I want to see her laughing which in itself used to make me laugh. She rolled with laughter. Even her annoying ways I want. She used to phone me at least 5 times a day with absolutely rubbish news. I want that too. She had so many funny tales that made up her life, I would just hurt with laughter listening to her.
I feel as if I carry so much sorrow sometimes.
Working my steps I am at step 8 - Made a list of people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them.
I have a lot of raw awareness recently from working steps 6 and 7 and it's been coincidental that a lot of people from my past both recent past and distant past too who have helped with the increasing self awareness and the realisation of amends.
I was usually late or disruptive with things like my mum's birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas - the perceived major days of the year which my mum took very seriously.
Today I am aware yet again how often I upset her. She was an incredible woman, eccentric, funny, very caring, very differing views on matters than some of my own, feisty, vivacious, well liked and so on. She was larger than life at times and I loved her very much.
I am so so sorry that I didn't value her more when she was alive and at times respect her more like the little things that were so important to her. I could have been less selfish at times but I was so bloody arrogant and stubborn (and very very ill with addiction).
I know she loved me very much and I loved her and still do.
I miss her so that it hurts in my heart. The pain sometimes is so great it feels like I could explode with it.
I managed to put my selfish aside today for an hour and drove to her grave. It means little to me - she is not there and all I remember of it is putting her coffin in that hole. Some people I know find something helpful about a grave. However, I know my mum would like to think people would tend her grave and put flowers there. And so I did despite really not wanting to - having to go out when I needed to be studying and just not wanting to make the effort as it means so little to me. I did it in her honour and to say sorry.
I cried all the way there so stopped and bought myself a cafetiere which I have avoided for years. I don't seem to live life without something addictive - my food is in order but my caffeine intake has increased so that the effect is no longer happening. Poo.
So yes my heart is aching for her. If only she could come back. It's not spirit her or anything else that I want it's alive her. I want to cuddle her, I want to smell her, I want to here her voice, I want to see her laughing which in itself used to make me laugh. She rolled with laughter. Even her annoying ways I want. She used to phone me at least 5 times a day with absolutely rubbish news. I want that too. She had so many funny tales that made up her life, I would just hurt with laughter listening to her.
I feel as if I carry so much sorrow sometimes.
