Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Compassion brings serenity

I have had a period of time now when I've been having vivd dreams. In the early hours today I was dreaming vividly but can only remember parts now.
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.

This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.

What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course.  A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.

This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?

I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?

I received this message from The Universe ....
Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.

Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.

Smooth,
The Universe

I replied thus:

I agree - fellowship and like-mindedness is helpful and useful

But I also wonder about bringing in newness and differences because otherwise things can become staid and decisions can be based on tradition rather than wise decisions.

Sometimes we have to listen to instinct even when it goes against the norm.

How does that fit in do you think?

Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.

I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?

So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.

I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.


Bliss
XX









 

Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

Comport with dignity continued

JB suggested I had comported myself with dignity as I described the funeral to him.
As I drove G and I towards the church having left the pub later than intended, I saw the hearse approaching. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" was all that was coming out of my mouth. I sort of laughed too, arriving late or just on the cusp of lateness. How that would have infuriated my dad. But also I didn't want T and her daughters to have something over me or get there and have all the limelight. That's not very dignified in language or attitude now is it. Anyway I pulled over thrusting the responsibility of the car into G's hands and legged it down the road as the hearse was slightly delayed trying to park. I was able to casually walk along beside T's car (my dads car too).
Actually I'm awake during the early hours riddled with thoughts of not studying, not having got my FDAP thing done and thinking about the inheritance I believe I should get and probably won't. It's eating at me. I really need to find a way to step aside from the negative projection and the attachment - it links strongly with my mum and wanting to have things, clawing her back.
Anyway, T was too distraught after all to follow the coffin in and went in with her daughters holding her up. I went in too. And I decided to sit in the front row on the same side as them. I considered sitting on the opposite side but somehow it didn't feel right to me.
So there was D (eldest), T, D (youngest) then me, A, K and D's (youngest) husband. At the seating point D (eldest) asked if I'd move along to allow the husband to sit next to his wife. I just looked surprised and D backed down. She wasn't being horrible but realised what she was asking.
As I was sitting there I started to shake. I could not control it. I tried to stop it but couldn't. A moved in closer to me which was helpful to feel her but I still couldn't stop. I was conscious of everyone behind me, actually G was behind me and the entire row was made up of P, R, M, G, G, and then there was JB and his partner J. I looked behind a couple of times to see if I could see J and S. At the end they were there. I didn't really notice anyone. It's odd.
Anyway eventually I managed to meditate and that helped. The shaking stopped.
All the way through the service I found it strange how much the vicar seemed to be looking directly at me. There were intense, long looks. I have an inclination to phone him. He said that my dad was a very private man. G had leaned across and pointedly said to the vicar "And I'd like to introduce you to Pamela, his daughter!", when the vicar was speaking with T. The vicar said "we have net" but I am pretty certain he hadn't realised I was my dads daughter as T had introduced him to everyone else in the room as my dad was lying there dying but not me. D (eldest) introduced me but when it came to saying the part "J's daughter", T was already talking over her. I am pretty certain he didn't hear.
Anyway so the vicar looked at me a lot. This was noticed by G A and M. G thought it was sinister. I thought he was looking deeply at me. I would like to know from him if I was imagining it but I don't think so as others noticed it too.
So the service was brief. I was horrified that T had the service booklet printed with J B R when his name was B J R. And the same on the plaque on the coffin. Did he not tell her the truth? Or was this her being controlling again? Who knows?
At the grave side T and J came over and then E and M. J and S were there. Of course this was all after the coffin had been lowered. The vicar said to T, I've done all I can here now T. M noticed this too and it did seem a strange thing to say. He seemed to leave awkwardly. But he held my hand. I just think there's something in it. Or maybe I'm looking for something. I want to be noticed. I want there to be something more than just being excluded again. It was always like that with my dad and then always like that with me, needing something just a little bit more to be considered less than nothing.
I gave PW just the biggest hug. I don't really remember him but thank goodness he had known me as a child. There is something quite special about that man though. I spoke with him on Saturday and he really has a spiritual feel to him. He's invited to meet me for lunch in March. He has an op on Tuesday and I so hope he makes it through. A because I want to have a connection with him, due to this amazing feel I have for him and B because I am hoping he can tell me more about my dad in Korea. Why he received the presidents citation from the horses mouth as so to speak rather than Wikipedia. He was there with my dad in Korea. I wonder if he can tell me about my dad being captured and being in a POW camp. How did that happen? How did he get out?
Anyway I was introduced to a retired policeman BD by JB, I introduced him to my surrogate mother G. I'm not sure she would have appreciated being my surrogate mum.
Then we went to the United Reformed church where T had laid on tea and cakes. It was there that I learnt from A that M had a funny experience at the grave-side. As T had started to turn around, G, R and A started to back away. M had been standing with them, not noticing they had shuffled off to avoid having contact with T, M was left there alone, face to face with T as she was saying"who are all these women?", to which M said friends of P's. I found it amusing for poor M, being left there to carry the can. M felt very sad for T. It grates a bit. But I feel sadness and compassion for her too when I put aside my resentment and anger. I am practising putting that aside and my jealousy too. I feel possessive and cannot get my claws into anything to possess. Everything I've tried over these past 11 years has failed miserably as my dad would not let me. Things we would usually have laughed about together, he just didn't. It was most disconcerting. I had no power over my dad at all and it seems as if she had it all. His anger was one thing but I think he caved in to her.
I wanted T to see J and S and not confuse them as one of my friends, but people from the past with my mum. It amused me that they were late. That was one of the things that infuriated my dad about the F's. I wanted her to know there were people there from the past that her cousin L says she so didn't want to acknowledge. No wonder there monologues about not stopping my father. I think she possibly did the opposite to what she has insisted. In her monologue down the phone when G was sitting there, she repeatedly said that she had never stopped my dad from seeing me, in fact suggested regularly that he invite me there for something to eat etc. She said she had never said a bad word against me except about never sending cards for birthdays or Christmas. She said it was my dads choice. The way she has gone on and on about that on the couple of occasions there has been contact with her makes me think she insists too much. Anyhow I get the impression that my dad was flimsy under her influence. It's strange really. But I also wonder if the previous years with my mum were like that. There was the angry stubborn side of him but also the compliant side to him, keeping so much simmering in anger close to the surface. He was generally an angry man. I am not surprised, his military training and experiences drawn from his angst of younger years and augmenting the levels of anger. What he had to endure would surely mess up the brain wiring!
Nonetheless it was horrid being on the receiving end of all the mixed up messages.
So at the reception I think I was dignified. I chatted with people and enjoyed very much the little table in the middle where my mum was being discussed, her great parties. I was a bit flittish, mixing here and mixing there, never really hearing a complete discussion through with anyone. I was aware of the attention G was paying A. I asked him if he was flirting with her. He has a real affinity for her he says because of the drinking. A herself said how awkward she was feeling, not able to socialise easily. I had the same issue. I have no idea how to network the room and socially chit and chat. And A didn't have her alcohol crutch either because she would know that she might be inappropriately drunk but without awkward and craving even more. I recognise that pattern.
I am surprised I didn't share about that on Friday at the AA meeting, when talking about getting through the ordeal of a week. It's details like that that I seem to forget. I need t cancel the chair at H Sunday meeting I've been asked to do. I accepted it knowing that D (of G) sometimes goes. It would not be appropriate of me at all. I know that would piss G off. Mind if we're not together I couldn't care less what he thought then out of anger. But if I want to continue to comport with dignity I would consider his thoughts in this.
After all he accused me of being selfish. I asked what he meant and he said I probably wasn't he was just sounding off.
"it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Macbeth act V

So I stayed right until the end. I was seen to be taking L's telephone number, T's cousin, who with a lot of confusion for me has deposited stories about T. Her claim that she is disgusted with the way I have been treated was a sort of buy in to the gossip. I learnt that T's mother died when she was 12. She was then passed from pillar to post. Apparently L's family were going to adopt her but she was a disagreeable little girl they decided not to. It seems she has always been unlikeable. I wonder how my dad put up with it. He made his bed and knowing him he would silently suffer publicly but I wonder how we was in private with her. i am certain I saw fear in her at times. But I think they were probably as bad as each other. I wonder what his soul would have made of what was created by them together.
As everyone I knew was leaving I asked JB and J if they would give G and I a lift back to the car which we had left at the church. I don't know why G wanted to leave it there. He wanted to walk and I think it was something to do with worrying about parking. I think as well he thought the United Reform church was nearer than it was. We travelled down with K and P.
Oh something K told me was that D (ex husband) had now separated from his new wife. Something not so dignified was that I sent him a text yesterday. It was intentional. I was resisting when G and I were all OK but could no longer resist after G walked out and I was preparing myself to go to a big family do in Kent. D wasn't the playful sort on texts though. And he never follows through saying he was going to meet up with me. That's not hooky enough to make it worthwhile plus I turn that into being turned down and unattractive. See how my dignity is non-existent in such circumstances. The thinking is screwed up.
K and P - it was lovely that K wanted to be there. Her partner P knew no one and yet trundled along with it all. I am concerned for K. I mentioned to M that I noticed him looking at me a lot. And M said that she was wary when talking with him, worried that K might think there was flirting going on. I am not sure if I thought he was attractive or not but I don't think he's so into K as she is him. She is such an attractive woman physically but to me once she starts I feel controlled and feel her neediness too. She is besotted with L her son and actually quite controlling over S her daughter. I sent a text to S yesterday too. Her text back suggests there is an issue between her and her mum. I am concerned for S. I think she is having a troubled time with drink and behaviour. It's a wild guess. I am concerned that there was something sinister about her friends father and friend always going out with the girls. I hope nothing has happened in a drunken state and she does drink heavily and is vivacious. I am disgusted by those old men loitering with the young girls. It is not usual.
Anyway G and I then travelled home. G was a rock.
The next morning when showering it was no longer about me and I started thinking about what each person had experienced. There were so many little stories within the blanket story of the funeral. it was farcical really when digging under the surface. It's such a dynamic between people. And I do wonder what all the negativity is all about really. What is the purpose of that? Why can't we all be loving and kind and gentle. I do not find T kind and gentle at all despite her sort of whimpering way, a tilt of her head and big moo cow eyes as G describes them. It comes across as pathetic to me. Annoying even. I am certain that's loaded with my resentment and jealousy and hurt too. I was pushed out of my dads life.
I had my part of course. I wasn't going to like her fro the start and learning that they were dating in 2001 added to my distaste of her. I always suspected and loudly announced my dad to be having an affair prior to my mums death. But to have her say they were dating even if it was after it was too bloody close to be considered decent. It suggests to me that my dad couldn't wait to be shot of my mum. Was it really like that? Had it all be a lie?
I was a nightmare, behaviours, financially, deceitful, pissed my dad off with the choices of men and the number of them. All of those things added to his disdain of me. He and I fought. We had for many years and that I don't think started with me. I was being me, a kid. Ad it didn't fit in with him at all. Nothing I could do was right and so under starters orders the problem was there. My dad was an incredibly intolerant man. I understand where some of it came from but that doesn't make it okay.
And I then compounded it. Not wanting contact for a lot of the time during the 11 years didn't help the relationship but I don't think that bothered him much. It will have painted a picture to T perhaps but it surely suited her too. If she didn't want to acknowledge he had a past they had this blissful nowness and when I did contact it would probably been a rude interference and awakening. They would probably be able to create a web of what they wanted to believe, after all we all do that. We see things, our version, our perception and unless incredibly self-aware it is nigh on impossible to see things as ones own perception and there possibly being other versions. They would have believed their spin.
So the practise for me is ton continually step aside from the resentment, anger, fear and jealousy. I want to possess things from my dad and I want money. I want to be suddenly financially secure. I doubt that will happen. I want £250k minimum. I barely expecting £15 to £30k I don't really even expect that to happen. It infuriates me as that's my mums money too. But she died over 11 years ago now and it became my dads. I really am having trouble letting go of that. However, it's the last hurdle and I guess I can't help projecting and having the emotions associated with that. I just have to keep acknowledging them and moving away from them in the same way as moving away from a food thought. It's not easy but there are lots of FA people and friends I can talk about it with. I wonder if sometimes I am just suppressing. But hey ho! I am doing my best. And that's a darn sight better than it has been. Thank goodness I am in recovery because I am pretty certain I wouldn't have even been able to manage with the decorum I have mustered thus far.
Please Universe, take way my resentment, greed and jealousy. Please remove my fear and replace this with trust that all will be okay whatever happens.
I want to go off and follow a lifelong dream to experience living in the Far East. Whether for a while or forever it's always been there as a desire. Please provide me with the courage. My greatest fear is not having the money to have a roof over my head or for food at the time or into the future of old age. I am not convinced I will make old bones anyway but the idea of a poverty stricken old age abhors me. Yet what am I thinking money will buy anyway. It's the idea of being restricted of doing things. I want the bigger world and don't like the smaller world. And yet I could be content with meditation and looking around me. Something wider world is shouting shouting shouting at me. It always has.
So what do you think have I been dignified and graceful. I think on the outside I am closer to that. On the inside I want that. I want to have gracious thoughts but they are speckled with nasties.
Gosh I woke up at 2 am and now it's 4 am. I wake up to get ready at 5 am.
I have heard a car start up. Who on earth gets up and travels at this time?
I want to have a look. It was S the taxi man
Saturday evening after the AA meeting, with no contact other than a text earlier from G, the rage manifested itself by entering SL and contacting DD. I slipped into the M/s bit immediately and masturbated thinking of him. This is the first time I've thought of someone else in this way and the first time I've masturbated I believe since being with G. Is this the beginning of the real end? DD wanted pics of me on all fours. I said I would but I won't. I nearly would but I just do not want to engage with it all again. Over recent weeks I've had more of a pull and that's not the first time I've briefly entered SL. It could be the rage and wanting to act out sexually. I wonder too having re-entered FB for a short while whether it's also avoidance of studying. I'm not sure I'm ever going to complete this degree. All this stuff with my dad being ill, the funeral and joining PD in his new venture - all drains of my resources. I have no energy to do the reading. And then there is the unfinished accreditation. I will have to say to PD that I need to re-send it and this last few days I have been struggling. I will try and get it all together this week to send by next week. That's what I will tell him. And in the meantime I need to read and study.
 I Love G but I'm not in love with him. I feel disappointed that yet again he became moody and walked out. I think he's unreasonable about his dislike of M. He has a reason from way back he can't even remember. He does not want to meet her and told me she was controlling although I was arranging with her a time to visit. He's controlling. He doesn't like her so doesn't want me to have anything to do with her, even suggesting I should choose my friends more wisely. Gosh! Reminiscent of the times when my dad would cause a fuss about my mums friends. There was no freedom for my mum just to invite people around spontaneously. I don't think this is okay. But there is also accepting G as he is. On this matter we are very different. He is not sociable and openly admits to not liking people. But really I wonder if it's him he doesn't like, similar to my dad perhaps?
Anyway having walked out and therefore me not being able to help with his car and him not coming to the family do yesterday and more me not being a part of him getting his new car all feels horrid. I want to help G, but I do and have. He owes me £240 which I am trying to write-off in my head but I will raise it with him. I will ask if in his mind the work of putting in the shower was some sort of contribution towards the debt? If it is I will try to accept it but I hadn't been wanting a shower that badly. It's nice to have and I use it ALL the time now. But even so I wasn't aware that it was a part of the pay off it that's what it was. That all should have been discussed as I am still waiting for my £240. And now he's sold the care to the tip for £107. What a waste of time. And there was a question in my mind as to whether G had done it himself as nothing like that has happened here before. So very strange. And he had all sorts of conspiracies that seemed very odd.
Anyway the family do. It was filled with all Auntie O's and Uncles R's friends. And family too. I think I got to speak with everyone and was polite and friendly. I am not over keen on any of them. I have strong feelings for the 3 girls. And I missed L's presence. Of all the cousins I think I liked her the most. I think A is troubled and gosh like me she holds so much resentment but for her its with her mum. She is having difficulty accepting and forgiving her mum as I do my dad. We had a chat. There is a wanting in me for A to want to be with me but she doesn't. S is a nice man, her husband. They all have a niceness to them but there is an edge too. It's there. I think probably less so with Uncle G and Auntie M. But G is most certainly an addict. His girlfriend looked as if she had a serious problem herself. They looked and smelt rough. J always looks to me as if there is a side to her, calculating but L just seems generally nice. J and N also don't seem to be bad people.
I sat with L. She is okay really. None of them are my cuppa tea really. But I was there. It's nice to connect with family. It's a sort of belonging and they do make me feel welcome mainly. I feel uncomfortable trying to socialise. I'm not great at it. I did like Uncle R's niece and she was interested in FA. I will call her in the week and send her details by email. If she wants to meet up at the meeting I would gladly do that. I think Essex to London Bridge is easy.
And then afterwards I went back to Auntie O's. She was tearful. Uncle R told her to stop it. This was after the girls and M had gone. I noticed M is on the phone texting a lot so wasn't surprised when I enquire whether he'd met anyone and Auntie O said she thinks there is someone called S. It is soon but I suppose he's dealing with his grief the best way he knows how. And having 3 girls can't be that easy. They are lively. E is interesting. I am always intrigued by children who are not shy and have facial expressions and things. I think at 11 I was not so bold as she. I was shy and retiring. Of course I'm sure I wasn't when at ease. But I was scared of adults and wouldn't dare to be me. I loved that she was so comfortable despite losing her mum when so young. Those girls have a lot of emotions to work through. I hope they are being encouraged. I think D tends to be inward. She probably always was but I hope she has outlets that are healthy and being shown how to emote rather than suck in and isolate with it. I am projecting of course from my own experiences even though the circumstances are totally different.
Well it's now 4:32. I will be awake to get ready in half an hour. Perhaps I will lie down in bed for that half hour and see what happens. I feel wide awake but maybe I'll doze and then bloody hell I hope I don't over sleep.
I liked it when talking about K's sleep over and they stayed up all night, E said it was an "over". She is quite quirky.


Bliss
XXXX







 

Dad

My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then  really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively

Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.

Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.

Lunch
Bliss
XX

 

On Honesty

Having been so excited from really experiencing Steps 1 and 2 as we went through the little red book, I was surprised at what experiencing Step 3 actually brought.
I can't remember the details of what was shared but what I learnt about myself was that it wasn't the choices I made decisions on but being honesty and taking responsibility for my choices that was difficult.
I made a commitment to B (sponsor) not to enter into a relationship. Initially this came about as I started having contact with G. It started about a year ago when we simply chatted at the local AA meeting. He sat next to me at the back of the meeting and asked me a few questions. He was the ONLY person I spoke to because at this time I was just returning to meetings after a break of about a year. This break had been connected with the tumultuous relationship with JH. M made a comment about this when asking if I was happy with G. She went on to say that she was pleased as with JH I was mainly unhappy from the start and she had been constantly worried for me. Interesting. I had been suspicious from the start and of course my suspicions coupled with my insecurity were tantamount to problems. But I was enjoying something about it all, the M/s game, the SL interaction etc. Anyway with G I had been interested in him chatting with me. I found him attractive then but didn't think I should. He looked and sounded angry and himself uncertain. I liked his sharing though. I think he thought I was a complete newcomer. He didn't recognise me from the newbie I had been when I had first seen him at Alton or somewhere. Furthermore, he wouldn't have been on the look out for me but he had been brought to my attention by A. She was seeing him as far as I could gather from what she was telling me. He hasn't admitted that by the way. What do I do with that information? I could perhaps ask S as she was A's sponsor at the time. It's besides the by really because there are relationships I haven't mentioned and my reasons are shame based I think.
Anyway that first encounter or two or three was probably the end of 2010 when everything was ending with JH. When he stopped attending the meeting I was disturbed for the first time but then didn't think of him again. Then I started going to the Wednesday meeting and there he was. He sat next to me and we chatted. This happened every week. And I positioned myself deliberately near where he might wish to sit. Then he asked me to do a chair and had my phone number. I had to text and cancel as I had returned to Day 1 due to not weighing cheese accurately. That was a crazy situation in my head. I over weighed the cheese completely without intention. And before even taking a mouthful I realised and so I guessed what would be 2 oz. Why I didn't get up and weigh it was the issue for me. I was at home and could easily have done so. I think a part of me wanted extra. I think there have been a couple of meals out when I have not gauged 6 oz of potato too. I think on Saturday I was probably over on the cooked veg but very under on the salad. The potatoes were probably just about right but had been sauteed. The tuna was probably a little bit over. I ate the lot.
Anyway then communication commenced to the phone with G. He called initially and we had banter chat. It was fun and interesting. He wasn't all jokes and Micky taking. He was clearly intelligent and thought provoking. There was serious talking to be swapped. And this then happened a few times, talking into the early hours of the morning. This went on with him realising at some point that I was the same person he'd met at Petersfield. And he asked me if I'd like to go for a walk. Wow! That was the clincher really. My attraction and interest was already there. He drove to the village and he took me to Winchester Hill. There he was showing me all the wild flowers, birds and it was outdoors talk, fresh and a beautiful day. We encountered PW and I suddenly found myself embarrassed to be seen with G. The doubts that I had were the thoughts I projected onto PW. Interesting.
I don't think either of us wanted the walk to be over when it was and so discussed going for a coffee. We went to a pub ad it was there that he couldn't resist touching me. I was sitting cross-legged back to front on the settee. I've since learnt that he wasn't at all certain what that meant. It happened another time in his car on the way back from Petworth. Both times he read it as some sort of come on. Well he read that correctly. Except for me it was being quirky rather than straightforward flirty. Being quirky is making me special and different and noticeable. I've also discovered that he had such a strong urge to touch me during the walk and then sitting there he couldn't resist anymore. He touched my knee and asked if I minded. I said no, of course I didn't mind. On the contrary I liked it.
The entire asking out and the being out was very gentle and easy. Yes there was me on best quirky behaviour but at the same time feeling a lot easier with myself. The joy of being confident in my body is amazing. As the evening drew on I knew I needed to sort out my evening meal. So I suggested we went for something to eat. We tried the George in the village but it was too expensive. This was a little squirmy for me knowing already that he was not working and penniless. It wasn't what I had in mind for myself. All this time I had been thinking that okay the next man will be a wealthy man. Despite being completely unattracted physically I asked myself if I could go out with PW, afterall he was going to be wealthier than I am used to even though he has been negotiating alimony with his estranged wife. But also I heard the sickness in him still being in recovery maybe 4 or 5 years thus far. And his sharing is rather cliched at times. Not to mention only recently splitting from his wife. He wasn't ready yet but then neither was I as I was committed to my AWOL and the thought that I wouldn't be getting myself into any relaitonships until the AWOL was over. I am not sure now if at that stage I had actually committed to no relationships but certainly discussions with B about me and relationships suggested that this was the case. It didn't at that stage need to be an official commitment.
So G and went to another pub restaurant. That's when I went off my committed food and hadn't told my sponsor to this day. It was also much later than planned for. We sat and chatted there for a long time too and when eventually he drove me to my flat it was very late. He reached over and kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but not perturbed. Inwardly it made me smile. Part of the reason for going out to eat and sitting in the car chatting for hours was because my flat was so untidy and dirty. He had once before suggested that he and Erst, his buddy came over for a coffee. I have learnt that that was his gentle way of getting closer to me without being too forward. For a man who says he has incredible low self esteem I really love his ways of showing interest in me. And I let him.
I didn't tell B the whole truth and certainly didn't tell anyone else. Secrecy you see. Dishonesty through ommission. This is the ting that makes me untrustworthy. And I don't like it. When G is not here I want to tell my new sponsor G that he is here almost permanently now. I will come to that as it's a big leap but not so in terms of it happening. Talk about taking things slowly. Huh!
So I was curious.
I did however tell my sponsor. And also had a lot of discrepancies between who G was and the person I want to be with. I already knew he was angry with the world and wasn't flush at all with money. I wasn't sure about physical attraction either. There was something physically attractive looks-wise but a very grumpy looking face. He hadn't ever dressed in an attrative way, always in filthy trainers and tracksuit pants. He was usually unshaven and a general dirty look about him. He looks like a big time drinker still. And he was. Bloody hell. He makes my drinking look light-weight.
So telling mysponsor at this stage and cuttng contact was easy. Her suggestion was just not to respond. So I didn't for a week. But then I really am fed up with cutting contact and so sent a text. Talking about this time with G I said I didn't receive the texts. He had since told Erst because what would usually have been kept a secret to retain his complete confidentiality was not longer an issue. He thought it was already all over. However, I sent a text and so conversations and texting resumed. He asked me out for another walk. During this walk he actually put his arms around me from behind, asking as he did it if I minded. He was dog sitting for Mrs E. Now he'd already told me abou Mrs E saying that he was committed to her. This conversation occurred in the car after the first walk. I'd almost forgotten that. So returning to that moment. I think I enquired what was happeneing and he replied "between thee and me?". I think he had expressed his interest and wanting to see what happens. I had said that I was not available for a relationship and he feigned a disppointed face and at that time told me about Mrs E.
He is no longer in a sexual relationship with her but had been. That ended about 2 years ago. She is married but G is sort of a part of the family. He dog sits and does odd jobs and it's the closest thing to home he has. He is treated quite horribly at times by her but .... he really cares for her and never wants any harm to come to her. She continues to drink although attends meetings every so often. At one time they went to meetings together. Oddly enough Mrs E's sponsor in name only is S.
By the way, me asking about what was happening is quite extraordinary. Never in the past would I have done that. It would have seen too presumptious and feeling like the shit on someone's shoe most of the time would mean it couldn't possibly be anything. That would be the greatest opportunity for someone to shame me and mock me. But G didn't he took the question seriously.
Apparently Mrs E has not told her about her drinking or G. This was interesting as it was S I had spoken to enquiring what she thought of G, explianing that there had been increased communications and interest between us and wondered what she thought of him, i.e. was he a player? She had thought no. She mentioned he had once had a relationship of some sort with someone she sponsored and so now I don't know whether she meant A or Mrs E. I will ask her some day.
Amazingly she has asked me if I'd house-sit whilst she and C are on holiday during January. What's so special about this is the fact that she fosters and house-sitting will involve being responsible for the current foster kids. One I think she said is 21 and I find that strange. There are three of them in total.
The conversation in the care was left with him thinking let's see how it goes and me thinking I had made it clear I am not available for a relationship. I didn't at that point say no contact. However with continuing contact it was clear that there was interest mutually. So the week without contact felt good but also not good. I made contact as I explained we went for a walk with his adopted dogs. He grabbed me several times from behind and we held those moments. I didn't tell B. I continued not telling B as the contact continued and escalated. I visited him at Mrs E's staying late into the night. We talked about what has become known as skin therapy. He was brave enough to say he wanted to be closer to me. By this time he'd already explianed his issues with sex. I am constantly impressed by his straightforwardness and honesty. So after an argument of sorts, when I experienced his anger and shut down, we had what I had said I wanted, skin on skin. We had talked about this prior to the shut down moment. Perhaps the thought of it enabled G to talk more about his childhood. He was left very vulnerable I felt afterwards and therefore very sensitive. I had mentioned something in a way that he felt under the therapists questionnig and become very defensive. It is not my palce to tell his story in detail but his circumstances are very connected with what I see as areas of sensitivity today.
He was raised in children's homes and realises himself that this attachment he has with dogs and with Mrs E and her home is directly associated with this need for somewhere regardless of how well he's treated or not. Also the most sensitive things he spoke of was uncomfortable phycical encounters with his father who he learnt later was gay. These would today be considered sexual abuse even though not penetrative. I asked questions and he felt threatened by that. He said I had the counsellor hat on and he didn't like being questioned. It was a razor sharp attack at me. Pushing me right away. I was hurt and upset but said that he obviously made his choices as I prepared to leave. When he realised I was upset it seemed to ground him again. And thta night we ended up in bed. He touched and felt me all over. Holding me and kissing me. There was no sex. Neither of us wanted that. But to be close and feel his warmth was exquisite for me. I was really feeling strong feelings for him by this time.
I feel sad about his past but not pity and no desire to fix him. I have learnt much. We talk about the past and the present. we takl about relating and at times it feels likes intimacy. There is an enmeshment already in that he has started staying here and apart from one night he has been here ever since.
That happened after Mrs E. I returned there until the last night when Mrs E and her husband were due back. He then came here I think or maybe there was one night between. One night apart was due to an argument. I was insecure and questioning, probing after an afternoon he'd spent with Mrs E. To begin with my insecurity was heightened by the fact that he wasn't telling Mrs e> However I understood as I wasn't telling B. I wasn't telling B because I had admitted to her about reinstigating contact and reluctantly agreed to cutting contact again. This involved speaking with S (FA) and preapring a cut of contact text or speech. I wanted to for the sake of B and FA but didn;t want to for the sake of me and of the potential relationship instigated. One evening G and I had realised that I had a boyfrriend. It was somehow very natural and easy-going as we talked about it openly and honestly.
So half-heartedly I prepaared to cut contact but didnt actually do it. And from there the secret was formulated. I was worried that G decided eventually to tell Mrs E as if it was for me. He even threw that comment out when we were having a insecurity driven argument. I have since leart that I need to take my insecurity eslewhere and not dump it at his feet. I need to return to that concept that E introduced to me all those years ago with SH, to support his choice in friends rather than defame and disparagge his choice - out of jealousy. Ugly!
So I have stopped that and amazingly things are so much easier day to day. He talks to me about what's going on and I don't react. That makes it safe for him to be able to tell me and I feel some "control" knowing what's going on. Perhaps with time I will not need to know. I do get fed up with the constant barrage of texts which have more recently escalted into phone calls. However I understand the desperation. Especially in drinking. That feeling of loss of control and the terror of not being good enough and someone else is better. Ugh! All those thoughts were so crippling and painful. It was the only reality. I thank goodness I am not in that at the moment. The last time was with JH and I was awful. Suspicious and argumentative. Wnating to know then arguig about what I did know. How vile to be on the receiving end of but worse still to be int he pain of it all.
Please God don't let that happen again. It's possible of course if G and I don't remain honest. If this should slip into complacency and habit then it's very possible it could happen either way. We both have difficiulties with intimacy and self esteem.
Throughtout all of these days with increasing closeness and sex nothing was said to B. With every day and every AWOL I was feeling so uncomfortable. This was good though. In previous times I would have been uncomfortaable but not knowing why. I would be going undergroundvery quickly. I am certain my mum would know and probably my dad too. M certainly is aware that something isn't being said. And the secrecy or dishonesty through ommission is a usual mode of operandi for me. IN that way I get what I want without being disapproved of. This has only become apparent over the weeks. I don't know how many weeks exactly but it's probably 3 or 4 now.
It was so useful talking with H. I became honest with her. It was with huge risk but I knew I needed to start getting honest somewhere. G had taken great risk and become honest with Mrs E. I saw how difficult it was for him before and afterwards. He needed to do for himself not for me and I think overall he did. It just slipped out one time that he had done what I wanted him to dao risking everything he held important. He was honest and put trust in the outcome whatever that may be. And sure enough he is ont hereceiving end of some problematic behaviours and threats. I hate that she wants to try and get him into bed and wants to kiss and be held by him. But this is his life and his choices. If he is unfaithful to me and I disover it I can begin to seperate that from a personal slight. I would have taken it as that before and fallen into the pain of not being good enough etc. But I can get glimpses of and hold onto for increasing moments that it is not true. I am beginning to liek myself more and more and respect me as a being. If someone else can't then sadly they can go.
This has sort of occurred with M. She has issues with me. One of those being my dishonesty. I made an apology and talked about what I am seeing and doing. Other things she is upset about are more her issue - she had mentioned being jealous and I think I can actually see that. Our circumstances have changed. This is a mutual situation but I have felt blamed for this. And blamed for the change in conytact. I accept fully that M at times wihdraws and have gradually gien up trying so hard. And yet I am getting blamed for it is how it seems to me. Anyway we chatted again and again on the phone about this with tears and ager and all sorts of words. Then meeting on Saturday, M raised the issue once again. I acknowledge that circumstances have changed. We are both busier and also both meeting other people and doing things with other people. However, my friendship remains as strong. I love being with M and love her for who she is. I accept her for her foibles. Sometimes things about her annoy me but not so as to get in the way of loving her for who she is. I can even be jealous of her, the things she is doing and achieving. Her arrogance infuriates me. These things though do not decry the love and friendship I feel. Then there is me. I am sorry about my dishonesty. To her and to everyone. I am really seeing it in different ways now. My desire for secrecy rather than privacy is of interest to me. Secrecy means avoiding didapproval and that disapproval brings enormous fear. If people disapprove so be it. This is me and these are my life choices. I can stand up and be counted more and more. I can be responsible for my choices. Things may be bad  choices they may be good. Everyone does it. It's my life path. With every decision come lessons if I stay conscious. If I am secretive I drive myself further underground and there is less opportunity to learn and grow. In secrecy there is no one to reflect and discover with. It's all in my head. Outside persoectives matter.
I told M that she matters and I care. I mean that about a lot of things. I came across that idea one day when writing about a client and clients. It's true. People do matter to me and some of course mre than the general as they are closer to me. And because they matter I care about them.
It feels so good to have stood up and been honest. I am me. This is what I am doing. I repsect that B did not want to continue sposnoring me. I feel it is a shame. She is very firm in what's required and that's okay. I feel that everyone has to choose their journey and I can support them with that. There is a fine line though and that is what I am not sure of.
For instance with the food I need a rigid food plan. I was given that and have followed it to a tee. I think though it's a fellowship plan rather than an individual plan. Is not having a relationship a fellowship plan. People suggest not making major changes until after the AWOL because then I will know myself better. Perhaps it is maverick but whenever will I fully know myself. Perhaps this is the devil's fruit tempting me? Who knows. I know for sure that I will discover the truth. I could step aside and never know. The course of my life would surely be different over the next year.
Yes there is enmeshment but I can work thorugh this with help and support. For example I want to meet up with M on Friday. I want to tell G I'dlike to do this without it turning into him retaliating by then going out and doing something that could end up with him being tempted elsewhere in emotions about me choosing to go out with a friend.
I am not doing anything wrong with M and wish to remain in contact with my friends. If he takes umbridge and does something in the emotion of it then so be it. That's indication that this relationship is flawed. Whether it's flawed beyond repair who would know. Anyway I need to speak with him about this and my fears. I do not want clipped wings. In the past I have blamed "the men" for clipping my wings. But I've stayed on the ground long enough for them to do it. I would like to go out with M. I want our friendship. All being well I'm going to London with A and G to the Bronze exhibition at the Royal Academy. Historically it interests me and I enjoyed the sculptures at the Hobein Museum in Bath. I hope both events happen. Hopefully there is a matinee performance at the cinema as I'd also like to go to the Friday meeting. It's my usual meeting. I get home by 9:20 is so if G wants time with his friend Mrs E and the dogs there's plenty of time for us to regather together.
I need to approach the matter with him. Face my fear. More fear of rejection as a result of being me. It's not disapporval I'm afraid of. What is it? It'll become clearer.
So relief from being honest. Freedom from fear. The relationship seems legitimate now. I can talk more openly about it. G still wants secrecy for his confidentiality and this is connected with everyone knowing everything when he was a child. There were records. All he was in a way was a record. I feel so sad that this should have been how it was. He is more than a record and series of facts to me. He is very real and human and a sentient being. He is sensitive, loving and caring. I like him. He's intelligent, quick witted and funny. He doesn't need money or clothes to be these things he is them. I have strong feelings for him right now.
We are fiding sexual intimacy and I am learning how to be comfortable talking about what's good or not. So is he. His issues seem less prominent to me. Of course he knows the extent of them but my experience is very different from his description of himself.
It's good for today. I write this as he sleeps after a sleepless night of tooth pain. I am very worried about his heart condition and want for the inestigations to continue sooner than later. They said 2 to 3 weeks after the recent exploration through the artery. They see a vessel closed completely and the artery is furred up. There is deep concern. He continues to smoke heavily, probably more. We have talked about giving up but he think about it with each cigerette at the moment. if he's ready he will do it. What pressure and that's not conducive to giving up. Ironic!
I am on annual leave this week and relieved not to be having to go to the place with the hell-woman. It's better because I just don't enter into anything with her. However, she works in a way that I cannot adjust to. I find it very worrying that she sponsored a client. We hear nohting from that client now. I wonder what has happened.
Sometimes she does things I think are way off the mark but turn out okay. There is risk there though. Are we in a position to take such risks? I think not. She thinks so. We are poles apart on that.
I hope I've been able to make my point clearly about the honesty being the issue and not the decision.
Of course the decision comes into it's own once the honesty is placed. I love that honesty is a spiritual principle I want to work within.
Oh and the book the Cave in the Snow. Wow! It's so worth a read. I should like to meet Tenzin Palmo. I have a deep desire to travel to India to see if it's possible. G seems to have heard that she is back in silent retreat. If she is she is but it would be worth making the pilgrimage. He is hesitant. perhaps it is too much of a commitment to be saying that January 2014 we will make that journey. I think I will start saving towards is. if I put a fiver away a month in an Indian fund who knows what will happen.
I have a date fixed with G - whatever happens between us I will be at the Seven Sisters Country Park Riverside Car park at 4pm o 19th October 2013. If we are together still then we could travel together. If not I hope he will turn up. It's a full moon. So long as the night is celar there is awalk where the moon lights up the water apparently in a spectacular way. I think a full mooon would make it even more worthwhile so I have fixed this date with him. I fixed the date before we had decided to be in a relationship. Since then I'm not sure if G sees hinself in a relationship or not. It's of no matter wha each of us label it. We are going along a day at a time and so far the way he is with me seems very compatible. His interests and his manner. He is touchy with me. We seem mutually paced. He is worried I will get bored with him. I ill never get bored so long as I can also do the tings I enjoy doing. I'd love to do things with him too if he wants to. I want to do things he does like walking and watch him doing his crossword. He thinks I am clever or bright. I think not. It's lovely so far. I hope it will remain so.
I will look up some dentists for him now.

Praying for the courage to remain honest
Bliss
XXX

The Top 10 things about time and space, Bliss, that most people seem to forget...

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no "tests" and you're not being judged.
8. Everyone's doing their best, with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you're looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion.
4. You're naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

The truth shall set you free,
The Universe

Smelly armpits and four slashed tyres

A man is in my life!
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.

This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
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