I didn't write this as I was thinking it so trying to write it retrospectively.
Day 4 after my dad died was Wed/Thurs. And I was realising that he can no longer tell me off. When I went to see his body at the undertakers, I felt he was going to jump up and tell me off. I thought he'd say get this bloody idiot out of here, referring to G. And then I took a photo of his dead body and he would have gone ballistic at something like that. My dad had a real fear of death and bodies. I'd like to know why considering he must have seen many bodies in his military days. He fought in Korea attached to the Gloucester's. I read a little about the Presidents Citation which my dad has. The little British battalion received this medal.
From Wikipedia ...
"The 1st. Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment, British Army and Troop C. 170th Independent Mortar Battery, Royal Artillery, attached, were cited for exceptionally outstanding performance of duty and extraordinary heroism in action against the armed enemy near Solma-ri, Korea on the 23rd, 24th, and 25 April 1951. The 1st. Battalion and Troop C were defending a very critical sector of the battle front during a determined attack by the enemy. The defending units were overwhelmingly outnumbered. The 63rd Chinese Communist Army drove the full force of its savage assault at the positions held by the 1st Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment and attached unit. The route of supply ran southeast from the Battalion between two hills. The hills dominated the surrounding terrain northwest to Imjin River. Enemy pressure built up on the battalion front during the day, 23 April. On 24 April, the weight of the attack had driven the right flank of the battalion back. The pressure grew heavier and heavier and the battalion and attached unit were forced into a perimeter defence on Hill 235. During the night, heavy enemy forces had by-passed the staunch defenders and closed all avenues of escape. The courageous soldiers of the battalion and attached unit were holding the critical route selected by the enemy for one column of the general offensive designed to encircle and destroy I Corps. These gallant soldiers would not retreat. As they were compressed tighter and tighter in their perimeter defence, they called for close-in air strikes to assist in holding firm. Completely surrounded by tremendous numbers, these indomitable, resolute, and tenacious soldiers fought back with unsurpassed fortitude and courage. As ammunition ran low and the advancing hordes moved closer and closer, these splendid soldiers fought back viciously to prevent the enemy from overrunning the position and moving rapidly on the south. Their heroic stand provided the critically needed time to regroup other I Corps units and block the southern advance of the enemy. Time and again efforts were made to reach the battalion, but the enemy strength blocked each effort. Without thought of defeat or surrender, this heroic force demonstrated superb battlefield courage and discipline. Every yard of ground they surrendered was covered with enemy dead until the last gallant soldier of the fighting battalion was overpowered by the final surge of the enemy masses."
I'm hoping I'll get to know more when I meet with PW in March. I truly hope his complicated uncomplicated op on Tuesday goes smoothly. He is such a lovely man. ^ foot and a lot more. He is just smiles and warmth. I loved the talk we had on the phone on Saturday. And when he invited me to lunch in March I was thrilled.
Anyway. Who thinks I'm just really off my rocker for taking the photo? I really think it's a peculiar thing to have done but I am glad I have it too.
I want to post it here but I think that would be just a step too far. Funnily though as I got into my car, there in the window of the charity shop next door was a skeleton. I couldn't resist. It was a bit of a mockery really. But finny too. I won't post that either out of respect for my dad.
So I keep realising that he can no longer reinforce the messages that I am worthless. How would he do that? Well it would be in his tone of intolerance or he would say something that would put me down. I remember at my mums funeral he said something derogatory about my hair, such as "you could have done your hair for this at least". And his last telling off was yet more ridicule and minimising my position with him. He didn't want me to encounter T at all and I've always read this as his negativity towards me, his dislike of me, which I take on board deeply. Well ever since a little girl I have not been good enough and therefore have learnt that I am worthless. I am just about kept hooked in with moments of laughter and so on. Fundamentally everyone else was compared as better. But when he was dismissing and deprecating someone else I would suddenly feel close and make that person the common enemy. I learnt that noone was good enough including me. He didn't like people but I have understood that as m,e personally is a piece of shit.
He cannot reinforce those messages so the repetition of them is merely in my head. Held deep in my belief system but I can perhaps start to make a distance from them and hear other messages too. I am more rounded than merely a problem. Even though T sort of reinforces it but I am learning that she is really not a well person.
So all I had to do at day 4 was get through the funeral and looking beyond that the Will. I think that will be my dads final slight of me. He has full power until that is over and done with.
I hear the reinforcement though in many people. And I am aware that because of my conditioning it was I expect. So it isn't the same situations and it isn't the same message necessarily but I hear it as that. As a consequence I try to cover up.
I am so ashamed that I have lied to PD about my accreditation document and of course that is coming up to bite me. I feel embarrassed at having lied that it was submitted before Christmas. I was initially ashamed that I hadn't done it and it would confirm the message that I am useless and lazy. He would be disappointed, no worse than that he would be disgusted with me. It's such a strong message.
My dad was disgusted with me all of my life. Nothing about me as acceptable. And that's what I think people will think. I lied to M about the shower. For some reason I was not comfortable with the fact that G was doing things for me, made me look dependent already or something so when she asked if G put the shower in for me I said no. And more than that I said I had paid the landlords. I think also I was embarrassed that I've just allowed it to be done without first seeking permission.
Oh what I have learnt is that it's just a methodical process of drawing water through pipes form the tank. I thought it was far more complex. I don't know why. Anything can be channelled anywhere from the source, including electricity. Amazing I had though everything was so impossible ad so experts were miracle workers. No one is so godly as I thought. The power I invest in people is diminishing. Is this with my dad dying or my Step 5, or what?
So perhaps there will be some more freedom with my dads death. It seems a horrible thought and disrespectful but there is a relief and a truth in it too.
It's a lifetime of difficulty. I feel very sad and at times still can't believe he's dead. I look at the photo and see my dad still there. It's so very strange. But he has left this world now.
Bliss
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