My dad died at 10 minutes past midnight on 3rd February 2013.
I saw his body in the chapel of rest. It seemed so weird. I thought he would jump up and tell me off and say something like "get that bloody idiot out of here" - as G was there with me. What a rock G has been and how I didn't think he could be.
It was so strange seeing my dad. He looked at peace thank goodness. I was relieved he had died though. I was relieved for him finally being in peace ad I was relieved because selfishly I couldn't bear the thought of another day amidst all of that horrible attitude towards me.
I am truly trying to be gracious but I have strong feelings of hatred at times about T. She didn't introduce me to the vicar yet introduced everyone else. She talked about her first date with my dad in 2001. My mum died on 22nd November 2001 and was buried on 29th November 2001. How could she have discussed that in front of all those people. Disgusting and without thought. Selfish woman. And yesterday as she came out of the undertakers she didn't even nod or smile. She got in the car. The daughters came over and spoke with me D (eldest) even cried and it seemed so genuine. D (youngest) said "we loved him you know". I relied "so did I".
Can you believe this weirdness but I took a picture of him. I wanted to but didn't think for a minute I could. Surely that's just utterly disrespectful. I know my dad would find it horrifying. But then G said it too. So I did. It feels weird to have it. It seems unbelievable at times that he's dead. I remember that after my mum died. It seemed impossible ad it does with him. One time so alive and always so angry with me. Would I rather him alive and angry with me? No I'd rather him alive and we could sit down and have a really good loving chat. But that was never going to happen. What did happen dad?
It was horrid too when H was there. Talking to her about my dad as if I didn't exist. He went to shake my hand goodbye after hugging D (youngest). My dad had done the same to me after the first meeting pre-wedding. Why do they go to shake my hand and hug others? What's wrong with me?
Aaaaargh! It's been so difficult!
And then I'm not included or privvy to any funeral arrangements. I am angry and thinking about what might happen about his will. Is there one? Am I entitled to ask for some tings of his. HE'S MY DAD and not just YOUR husband. For goodness sake I feel like a child who needs her to be the adult. She is jealous of me I am sure of it.
When N said "well your dad is with your mum now" I suddenly thought T would want to die to control that too. She cannot abide the fact he had a life before. Of course she loved him regardless of the circumstances of them getting together.
It seems as well that my dad created a new persona. I wonder which was the lie. Was he really that unhappy with who he was with my mum and I? Why did he seem to hare me so much?
But then he phoned me around Christmas time saying he loved me and wished me well for the future. I knew and he knew that the end was approaching. I didn't really want to believe my belief but I knew anyway.
I knew too the message on my answer machine was the last message I would have and I deleted it - in error really. As I pressed the button I suddenly knew I needed not to. Too late. I have no record of his voice.
As I entered my flat tonight I was scared. I felt his presence. I thought he'd get to me, tell me off.
I came in talking with JB as I was scared. G suggested inviting the Buddhists in if the monsters were so loud.
It's sort of okay. Some of it is the guilt of having exaggerated the horrors of the past. Some of it is having taken the photo.
PD very generously supported me arriving late. I got in about 11. It made the day go quickly. I had two 1:1's. They seemed to go okay.
Having some worries myself about whether it will all take off.
It's all very strange. This morning I was talking to G feeling angry about incidents in the past. I then cried at the hurt of it all. It's all highlighting the loss of my mum. It's all horrid!!
Bliss
XX
I saw his body in the chapel of rest. It seemed so weird. I thought he would jump up and tell me off and say something like "get that bloody idiot out of here" - as G was there with me. What a rock G has been and how I didn't think he could be.
It was so strange seeing my dad. He looked at peace thank goodness. I was relieved he had died though. I was relieved for him finally being in peace ad I was relieved because selfishly I couldn't bear the thought of another day amidst all of that horrible attitude towards me.
I am truly trying to be gracious but I have strong feelings of hatred at times about T. She didn't introduce me to the vicar yet introduced everyone else. She talked about her first date with my dad in 2001. My mum died on 22nd November 2001 and was buried on 29th November 2001. How could she have discussed that in front of all those people. Disgusting and without thought. Selfish woman. And yesterday as she came out of the undertakers she didn't even nod or smile. She got in the car. The daughters came over and spoke with me D (eldest) even cried and it seemed so genuine. D (youngest) said "we loved him you know". I relied "so did I".
Can you believe this weirdness but I took a picture of him. I wanted to but didn't think for a minute I could. Surely that's just utterly disrespectful. I know my dad would find it horrifying. But then G said it too. So I did. It feels weird to have it. It seems unbelievable at times that he's dead. I remember that after my mum died. It seemed impossible ad it does with him. One time so alive and always so angry with me. Would I rather him alive and angry with me? No I'd rather him alive and we could sit down and have a really good loving chat. But that was never going to happen. What did happen dad?
It was horrid too when H was there. Talking to her about my dad as if I didn't exist. He went to shake my hand goodbye after hugging D (youngest). My dad had done the same to me after the first meeting pre-wedding. Why do they go to shake my hand and hug others? What's wrong with me?
Aaaaargh! It's been so difficult!
And then I'm not included or privvy to any funeral arrangements. I am angry and thinking about what might happen about his will. Is there one? Am I entitled to ask for some tings of his. HE'S MY DAD and not just YOUR husband. For goodness sake I feel like a child who needs her to be the adult. She is jealous of me I am sure of it.
When N said "well your dad is with your mum now" I suddenly thought T would want to die to control that too. She cannot abide the fact he had a life before. Of course she loved him regardless of the circumstances of them getting together.
It seems as well that my dad created a new persona. I wonder which was the lie. Was he really that unhappy with who he was with my mum and I? Why did he seem to hare me so much?
But then he phoned me around Christmas time saying he loved me and wished me well for the future. I knew and he knew that the end was approaching. I didn't really want to believe my belief but I knew anyway.
I knew too the message on my answer machine was the last message I would have and I deleted it - in error really. As I pressed the button I suddenly knew I needed not to. Too late. I have no record of his voice.
As I entered my flat tonight I was scared. I felt his presence. I thought he'd get to me, tell me off.
I came in talking with JB as I was scared. G suggested inviting the Buddhists in if the monsters were so loud.
It's sort of okay. Some of it is the guilt of having exaggerated the horrors of the past. Some of it is having taken the photo.
PD very generously supported me arriving late. I got in about 11. It made the day go quickly. I had two 1:1's. They seemed to go okay.
Having some worries myself about whether it will all take off.
It's all very strange. This morning I was talking to G feeling angry about incidents in the past. I then cried at the hurt of it all. It's all highlighting the loss of my mum. It's all horrid!!
Bliss
XX
