Go with it. Roll, Bliss. Swerve.
The "unexpected" is just my way of preparing you for more than you knew to ask for.
Bounce back, serpentine, 2-step -
The Universe
.... is usually my addict thoughts. Meanness and greed were the motivators behind the first thoughts when my dad was telling me about his wife. Promiscuity or lust, pride (lack of esteem), gluttony and fear were behind my thoughts involving D on Saturday evening.
And throughout my life I have defined myself by these first thoughts. As my sponsor reminds me I am so full of self-hatred and turn on myself at every given opportunity.
How fortunate I am that I received phone calls back from people I'd called out to yesterday. S called and was the person who suggested that my first thought is going to be the addict. But it doesn't define me. That's the ill part of me but what I do next says a lot more about me. I am acknowledging the thoughts and then praying for T and praying for K and D. I am not acting out on my first thought, in fact the opposite and so my third and forth thoughts also say a lot about me. I am wholesome, not a one dimensional addict.
And as for some surprises Unoverse, they have been complete swerve balls as I often hear people say. I was not expecting my dad to call adn say T was in a coma. And not expecting myself to question whether I believe him or not. And then the speeding camera's, and my Uncle dying and and and. Phew. But all I can do is go with this flow. I feel momentarily overwhelmed and then coe back to wondering what I am supposed to do other than learn where there are lessons obvious to me and change damaging behaviours or attitudes or thoughts. What more can I do? Nothing.. Pray for guidance and trust. I'm doing that to the best of my ability. Thank you God.
Thank you S for your wide and gentle words. Thank you G for the phone calls.
So lessons I can learn. Stop being complacent regarding sticking to speed limits! This is crucial. I cannot afford the fines and cannot afford to lose my licence. Furthermore it is the law and it's there for a purpose. The places are residential and people deserve the respect of caution.
Lavishness is not a luxury I can afford. I need to practise frugality. I start keeping a note of expenditure but I do not continue with it, denying this issue I have completely. Another call I received this morning brought this matter up. And the financial insecurity is so ugly. The fear it evokes is paralysing. It is terror, the high end of fear. I am praying to be released from it. But praying means action. OK from today I will practise the discipline of writing everything down that I spend. I have the Little Black Book to do this in and need to carry it at all times. I can leave my food plan book behind but this is a slightly different discipline.
It's so much nicer to acknowledge that I don't know how I feel about L's death last year and Uncle B's death recently announced. I really have detached from family for whatever reason and still have no inclination to be more involved and yet want the attachment as well. This is a peculiar situation. But the distance leaves me with a sort of numbness. I was fond of Uncle B and I think he was fond of me. I truly appreciated his generosity in paying for my hotel accommodation for N's wedding and sort of enfolding me into their family when my dad and T were so frosty. Wow that hurt.
I have fond memories of Christmases with their family and I really like N, my cousins company. I was always in awe of the beautiful L, cousin. She was fun and lively and so so pretty. I always thought R, cousin, was sort of uncomfortable, in the wrong skin somehow. I hope he finds a way to be himself in his latter years. He's in his 60's now and has been caring for his parents forever in one way or another. Auntie B is still alive but in a home as she is struggling with dementia and can no longer look after herself. Thank goodness they had the means to pay for this care for both Aunt and Uncle in the end. Their wealth didn't buy them health but bought them care support at least.
M is going for her interview at West Dean today. I am jealous but not envious.
Portrait of a Woman Suffering from Obsessive Envy
Jean Louis Théodore Géricault (1791–1824
Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as a resentful emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement or possession and wishes that the other lacked it.
And then jealousy is wanting it too?
I'd love to have the courage to do what she is doing. The studying at a bricks and mortar uni then going forward to do the MA. I am studying psychology though and feel a lacking of the creative arts within that. I want to achieve my degree and then consider what I do next. perhaps an MA in something creative to develop my skills? Who knows/. God help to guide me around this.
Anyway I am very excited for M. She has submitted her novel, well the first chapters written as a part of her dissertation for her degree.
My financial insecurity stops me. My fear of the future too. I am too old surely to take that kind of a risk.
But how wonderful that I can be encouraging and support M. She is taking the action to get something she believes she wants and if it's right then it shall be provided. Good for her.
OK I think I'm all written out for the time being. I feel tired already. I went to bed around 23:20 - far too late. I had intentions of doing a lot this morning. Reading, writing, sketching. I love these mornings off but then I often spend time writing. I wonder if it is all so essential and then I like to record my thoughts. It's there, it's committed thoughts. I don't know if it's too much. I have walked LouLou this morning and spoken with FA kins and been texting with M and prepared my meals and emails with J to arrange to meet when she visits from Spain. Oh a R is visiting too. All these people that I thought were no longer contacting me have.
Furthermore, my lack in self confidence is challenged when an ex client from several years ago has asked for a couple of 1:1's and a current client ran over to hug me tightly at the end of the farewell session. A 1:1 client has been referred to me from Dr F. Hmm I hope to keep it in balance though and not let this go to my head as then I come to earth with a thudding crash and brokenness all around. I smile at myself for the first thought is hatred and then I can slow down, become more gentle and acknowledge that it's all learning. I am slowly moving away from the destructive way of being.
Thank you God.
I feel a degree of serenity despite all the life things occurring.
I trust that the right paths are there to be revealed to me when I open my eyes. I now just need to have faith in God that I will be OK money or no money, job or no job, friends or nor friends, in illness and death, with or without anything. Please God I pray to really hold that faith close and action my faith.
Thank you God for being there.
My God is not a religious God. IN fact I really have no idea what my God is. It's enormity itself. Not powering over me or ruling anything. Simply there as an energy force that is almost inexplicable. If there is a plan it's not planned out. It is what it is with a million and one paths to choose from and any single one of them is the right one. None of them bad. What is gained from them is down to the humanness in me.
I pray to follow Gods spirit. To be free of the bondage of self and to do the best thing for self and others. Please God show me what and how.
Thank you.
Thank you for my abstinence yesterday and please help me to remain abstinent today.
Oh I have lost more weight and so my grains have increased to 6 oz. It feels frightening and there is a sort of false pride attached to losing weight unintentionally. I feel OK despite a few people thinking I look too thin. I don't look sexy but perhaps I am right-sized. I am following instructions from my sponsor though and that's what matters. I am not taking things into my own hands.
119.7 pounds this morning. The lowest I think was about 120 pounds. My sponsor suggests putting on a couple of pounds and not being able to afford to lose anymore.
I agree.
Bliss
XX
The "unexpected" is just my way of preparing you for more than you knew to ask for.
Bounce back, serpentine, 2-step -
The Universe
.... is usually my addict thoughts. Meanness and greed were the motivators behind the first thoughts when my dad was telling me about his wife. Promiscuity or lust, pride (lack of esteem), gluttony and fear were behind my thoughts involving D on Saturday evening.
And throughout my life I have defined myself by these first thoughts. As my sponsor reminds me I am so full of self-hatred and turn on myself at every given opportunity.
How fortunate I am that I received phone calls back from people I'd called out to yesterday. S called and was the person who suggested that my first thought is going to be the addict. But it doesn't define me. That's the ill part of me but what I do next says a lot more about me. I am acknowledging the thoughts and then praying for T and praying for K and D. I am not acting out on my first thought, in fact the opposite and so my third and forth thoughts also say a lot about me. I am wholesome, not a one dimensional addict.
And as for some surprises Unoverse, they have been complete swerve balls as I often hear people say. I was not expecting my dad to call adn say T was in a coma. And not expecting myself to question whether I believe him or not. And then the speeding camera's, and my Uncle dying and and and. Phew. But all I can do is go with this flow. I feel momentarily overwhelmed and then coe back to wondering what I am supposed to do other than learn where there are lessons obvious to me and change damaging behaviours or attitudes or thoughts. What more can I do? Nothing.. Pray for guidance and trust. I'm doing that to the best of my ability. Thank you God.
Thank you S for your wide and gentle words. Thank you G for the phone calls.
So lessons I can learn. Stop being complacent regarding sticking to speed limits! This is crucial. I cannot afford the fines and cannot afford to lose my licence. Furthermore it is the law and it's there for a purpose. The places are residential and people deserve the respect of caution.
Lavishness is not a luxury I can afford. I need to practise frugality. I start keeping a note of expenditure but I do not continue with it, denying this issue I have completely. Another call I received this morning brought this matter up. And the financial insecurity is so ugly. The fear it evokes is paralysing. It is terror, the high end of fear. I am praying to be released from it. But praying means action. OK from today I will practise the discipline of writing everything down that I spend. I have the Little Black Book to do this in and need to carry it at all times. I can leave my food plan book behind but this is a slightly different discipline.
It's so much nicer to acknowledge that I don't know how I feel about L's death last year and Uncle B's death recently announced. I really have detached from family for whatever reason and still have no inclination to be more involved and yet want the attachment as well. This is a peculiar situation. But the distance leaves me with a sort of numbness. I was fond of Uncle B and I think he was fond of me. I truly appreciated his generosity in paying for my hotel accommodation for N's wedding and sort of enfolding me into their family when my dad and T were so frosty. Wow that hurt.
I have fond memories of Christmases with their family and I really like N, my cousins company. I was always in awe of the beautiful L, cousin. She was fun and lively and so so pretty. I always thought R, cousin, was sort of uncomfortable, in the wrong skin somehow. I hope he finds a way to be himself in his latter years. He's in his 60's now and has been caring for his parents forever in one way or another. Auntie B is still alive but in a home as she is struggling with dementia and can no longer look after herself. Thank goodness they had the means to pay for this care for both Aunt and Uncle in the end. Their wealth didn't buy them health but bought them care support at least.
M is going for her interview at West Dean today. I am jealous but not envious.
Portrait of a Woman Suffering from Obsessive Envy
Jean Louis Théodore Géricault (1791–1824
Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as a resentful emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement or possession and wishes that the other lacked it.
And then jealousy is wanting it too?
I'd love to have the courage to do what she is doing. The studying at a bricks and mortar uni then going forward to do the MA. I am studying psychology though and feel a lacking of the creative arts within that. I want to achieve my degree and then consider what I do next. perhaps an MA in something creative to develop my skills? Who knows/. God help to guide me around this.
Anyway I am very excited for M. She has submitted her novel, well the first chapters written as a part of her dissertation for her degree.
My financial insecurity stops me. My fear of the future too. I am too old surely to take that kind of a risk.
But how wonderful that I can be encouraging and support M. She is taking the action to get something she believes she wants and if it's right then it shall be provided. Good for her.
OK I think I'm all written out for the time being. I feel tired already. I went to bed around 23:20 - far too late. I had intentions of doing a lot this morning. Reading, writing, sketching. I love these mornings off but then I often spend time writing. I wonder if it is all so essential and then I like to record my thoughts. It's there, it's committed thoughts. I don't know if it's too much. I have walked LouLou this morning and spoken with FA kins and been texting with M and prepared my meals and emails with J to arrange to meet when she visits from Spain. Oh a R is visiting too. All these people that I thought were no longer contacting me have.
Furthermore, my lack in self confidence is challenged when an ex client from several years ago has asked for a couple of 1:1's and a current client ran over to hug me tightly at the end of the farewell session. A 1:1 client has been referred to me from Dr F. Hmm I hope to keep it in balance though and not let this go to my head as then I come to earth with a thudding crash and brokenness all around. I smile at myself for the first thought is hatred and then I can slow down, become more gentle and acknowledge that it's all learning. I am slowly moving away from the destructive way of being.
Thank you God.
I feel a degree of serenity despite all the life things occurring.
I trust that the right paths are there to be revealed to me when I open my eyes. I now just need to have faith in God that I will be OK money or no money, job or no job, friends or nor friends, in illness and death, with or without anything. Please God I pray to really hold that faith close and action my faith.
Thank you God for being there.
My God is not a religious God. IN fact I really have no idea what my God is. It's enormity itself. Not powering over me or ruling anything. Simply there as an energy force that is almost inexplicable. If there is a plan it's not planned out. It is what it is with a million and one paths to choose from and any single one of them is the right one. None of them bad. What is gained from them is down to the humanness in me.
I pray to follow Gods spirit. To be free of the bondage of self and to do the best thing for self and others. Please God show me what and how.
Thank you.
Thank you for my abstinence yesterday and please help me to remain abstinent today.
Oh I have lost more weight and so my grains have increased to 6 oz. It feels frightening and there is a sort of false pride attached to losing weight unintentionally. I feel OK despite a few people thinking I look too thin. I don't look sexy but perhaps I am right-sized. I am following instructions from my sponsor though and that's what matters. I am not taking things into my own hands.
119.7 pounds this morning. The lowest I think was about 120 pounds. My sponsor suggests putting on a couple of pounds and not being able to afford to lose anymore.
I agree.
Bliss
XX
