It's 2012. I had a sense of change as I walked around the village early this morning.
You see I have a sense of not being in the right place but I don;t actually know where is the right place or if there even is one. It just seems that something will change in 2012. Perhaps it will simply be me. After all I am practicing changes within me and pursuing a more spiritual centred practice. I will simplify life and need for less therefore be more content with what is. Acceptance. That's the hope anyway.
Yesterday turned out so very different from my agonising the day before and my decision as a result of that. I did nothing of my decisions. I do not feel bad about that as I can easily do by not sticking with plans. None of them were hard and fast, just ideas. Instead I spent a very relaxed evening with A. Lounging around in front of the fire, watching a DVD (The Tin Drum - a very strange story by Gunter Gras. I was somehow intrigued by it, perturbed too. The story of a little boy, the narrator, telling his story from birth and deciding at 3 he would not grow anymore. He observed the adults and with all the complexities, he realised he did not want to become one of them. It was based in Danzig, Poland. Some of the time is during the Second World War. It is an odd story of a baby born with wisdom, without the need to experience life as an adult to develop. Apparently it is written in hindsight as the protagonist sits in a mental hospital. However the film ends when Oskar decides to grow. At the time of his birth Oskar is told he will get a tin drum when he is 3 years old. The tin drum is central to the story, throughout his discovery of his mothers relationship with Uncle Jan, his fathers Nazi party rantings, his schooling, the persecution of Jews as the Nazi's take over the town and so on. He also discovers that he can scream which acts as a defence for his drum or against anything that he dislikes. All a very odd little story really).
I was able to drive G to her New Years Eve party and collect her. Her back is hurting but she felt obliged to go so as not to disrupt the bridge. When I collected her, A and I went into the house. I was a social buffoon. Ha ha ha. I tried to shake hands with the host before he had closed the door. He was a real gentlemanly type man and I saw his consternation at my lack of social grace. When I was introduced to one of the ladies I said laughingly that I was A's consort and companion. A was very embarrassed. I have recurring judders at the memory - and bless me :) - I will learn to be less brash and more gentile. I become boisterous with my own insecurity. It was interesting how very quickly A and I had picked up on the prickly lay and I believed that she seemed very insecure and her husband who was clearly a very good looking man when he was younger, and I recognised the "twinkle" in his eye. A did too. All this was confirmed by G. Of course who knows what the insecurity is all about but I felt for her, that is hellish living. I want no more of it for myself and would not want it for anyone else.
Home late and up early. I will have an early night tonight. I am considering driving over to see Sister N and then on to C&S. It also seems a lot of energy when I am feeling so tired and need to conserve energy for work tomorrow. I have decided I will continue with my case study when at work. There are no clients so there will surely be time. Perhaps I could even take my laptop in so that I am not sat at that horrid desk.
Yes even the thought of work is full of change. A new boss coming in. Unsettling the sand. I am anxious about the change at times and then also have adopted this thought that perhaps there is a lot to learn from the entire experience of someone new. P protects us very well. When I think of losing that I get scared. I just do trust more and more.
I was asking HP to show me what I need to do. I guess I can do nothing and become acceptant with this life I have. It feels a plod and in need of a shake up though. What I am asking for really is to be shown. And when I think of that change of location and work come to mind. I am willing for anything to open up. Even if it means a change of job all together. I am not open to eating meat though. That may seem a random comment but my sponsor asked me if I might be open to that idea. It makes me gag at the thought. So right now the answer is no. However! Yup there is an openness - there have been some meats I've enjoyed but thinking about that there were meats prepared in sauces - from Singapore. My mum used to bring it home for me. I think it was very dried pork in square sheets. About 7 x 7 inches square. Each slice was very very thin, almost see through and coated in a sticky, sweet and sour sauce.
So would I open my mind to this? Well I can keep the mind open yes. Nothing need be closed off. The future is not that certain. What I do now is that for today I am committed to weighing and measuring the food that I have planned and shared with my sponsor already this morning.
An A-Z gratitude list.
A (my friend) and art
Boots - my dad paid for them
Consideration for others
Downpours as I love the sounds and decisions
Energy and E (my friend) and enough money
Freedom from food and friendship
Grace and gratitude and galleries
Hope
Inspiration
Jokes
Kisses
Love and LouLou
M (my friend) and museums and music
Nourishment
Opportunity
People
Quiet time
Restoration to sanity
Steps and seasons
Time with friends and LouLou
Universal energy
Velvet
Wisdom
X mmmm difficult one - xylophone music by Orff
Yin and yang
Zest for life
Happy New Year - wishing for an abundance of everything wanted in 2012. Being careful of wants as they can come in strange bundles.
Bliss
XX
You see I have a sense of not being in the right place but I don;t actually know where is the right place or if there even is one. It just seems that something will change in 2012. Perhaps it will simply be me. After all I am practicing changes within me and pursuing a more spiritual centred practice. I will simplify life and need for less therefore be more content with what is. Acceptance. That's the hope anyway.
Yesterday turned out so very different from my agonising the day before and my decision as a result of that. I did nothing of my decisions. I do not feel bad about that as I can easily do by not sticking with plans. None of them were hard and fast, just ideas. Instead I spent a very relaxed evening with A. Lounging around in front of the fire, watching a DVD (The Tin Drum - a very strange story by Gunter Gras. I was somehow intrigued by it, perturbed too. The story of a little boy, the narrator, telling his story from birth and deciding at 3 he would not grow anymore. He observed the adults and with all the complexities, he realised he did not want to become one of them. It was based in Danzig, Poland. Some of the time is during the Second World War. It is an odd story of a baby born with wisdom, without the need to experience life as an adult to develop. Apparently it is written in hindsight as the protagonist sits in a mental hospital. However the film ends when Oskar decides to grow. At the time of his birth Oskar is told he will get a tin drum when he is 3 years old. The tin drum is central to the story, throughout his discovery of his mothers relationship with Uncle Jan, his fathers Nazi party rantings, his schooling, the persecution of Jews as the Nazi's take over the town and so on. He also discovers that he can scream which acts as a defence for his drum or against anything that he dislikes. All a very odd little story really).
I was able to drive G to her New Years Eve party and collect her. Her back is hurting but she felt obliged to go so as not to disrupt the bridge. When I collected her, A and I went into the house. I was a social buffoon. Ha ha ha. I tried to shake hands with the host before he had closed the door. He was a real gentlemanly type man and I saw his consternation at my lack of social grace. When I was introduced to one of the ladies I said laughingly that I was A's consort and companion. A was very embarrassed. I have recurring judders at the memory - and bless me :) - I will learn to be less brash and more gentile. I become boisterous with my own insecurity. It was interesting how very quickly A and I had picked up on the prickly lay and I believed that she seemed very insecure and her husband who was clearly a very good looking man when he was younger, and I recognised the "twinkle" in his eye. A did too. All this was confirmed by G. Of course who knows what the insecurity is all about but I felt for her, that is hellish living. I want no more of it for myself and would not want it for anyone else.
Home late and up early. I will have an early night tonight. I am considering driving over to see Sister N and then on to C&S. It also seems a lot of energy when I am feeling so tired and need to conserve energy for work tomorrow. I have decided I will continue with my case study when at work. There are no clients so there will surely be time. Perhaps I could even take my laptop in so that I am not sat at that horrid desk.
Yes even the thought of work is full of change. A new boss coming in. Unsettling the sand. I am anxious about the change at times and then also have adopted this thought that perhaps there is a lot to learn from the entire experience of someone new. P protects us very well. When I think of losing that I get scared. I just do trust more and more.
I was asking HP to show me what I need to do. I guess I can do nothing and become acceptant with this life I have. It feels a plod and in need of a shake up though. What I am asking for really is to be shown. And when I think of that change of location and work come to mind. I am willing for anything to open up. Even if it means a change of job all together. I am not open to eating meat though. That may seem a random comment but my sponsor asked me if I might be open to that idea. It makes me gag at the thought. So right now the answer is no. However! Yup there is an openness - there have been some meats I've enjoyed but thinking about that there were meats prepared in sauces - from Singapore. My mum used to bring it home for me. I think it was very dried pork in square sheets. About 7 x 7 inches square. Each slice was very very thin, almost see through and coated in a sticky, sweet and sour sauce.
So would I open my mind to this? Well I can keep the mind open yes. Nothing need be closed off. The future is not that certain. What I do now is that for today I am committed to weighing and measuring the food that I have planned and shared with my sponsor already this morning.
An A-Z gratitude list.
A (my friend) and art
Boots - my dad paid for them
Consideration for others
Downpours as I love the sounds and decisions
Energy and E (my friend) and enough money
Freedom from food and friendship
Grace and gratitude and galleries
Hope
Inspiration
Jokes
Kisses
Love and LouLou
M (my friend) and museums and music
Nourishment
Opportunity
People
Quiet time
Restoration to sanity
Steps and seasons
Time with friends and LouLou
Universal energy
Velvet
Wisdom
X mmmm difficult one - xylophone music by Orff
Yin and yang
Zest for life
Happy New Year - wishing for an abundance of everything wanted in 2012. Being careful of wants as they can come in strange bundles.
Bliss
XX
