If spoken to harshly, make yourself as silent as a cracked gong; on-retaliation is a sign of freedom.
Dhammapada v.134
Ajahn Munindo says ....
When we receive unjustified criticism it can be hard to restrain the upthrusts of passion. Pushing strong feelings down in unawareness isn't helpful. Practice means finding the space within ourselves to feel what we feel, without 'becoming' those feelings. It is a special skill. Watch out for any voice preaching at you. "You shouldn't be this way, you should know better by now." We acknowledge the fact of how it is in this moment. Accept the present reality awareness, knowing it as it is; not indulging, not pushing away. Now the energy of our passions can fuel the process of purification, burning out the pollutions rather than burning us out with self-criticism.
Sister N suggested this to me when SH was shouting at me. She told me the story about the nun who advised a friend to take a sip of holy water just before entering her house. This was after the friend had complained that every evening when returning home, her husband started shouting and complaining at her and she would try to defend herself or disagree. The entire evening whould degenerate into screaming arguments. So the nun said that she is to hold the holy water in her mouth without swallowing regardless of what her husband is saying and doing. Furthermore, when she does finally swallow the water she should not allow her husband to see or know.
Each evening the friend did this and each evening her husband screeched at her even accusing her of ignoring him for not resplying. The friend did not allow him to know about the holy water. Gradually his shouting stopped and the home was calmer.
I did try this actually with SH. As warned he got worse. I just listened. I didn't use holy water of course, I imagined it though so as not to retaliate to anything at all. It felt so uncomfortable at times. He said things that were blatant untruths but I didn't say a thing. Gradually he quietened over the weeks. But there was also a big rift left. The rift was already there and his anger was already very big, long before me I think. There was no healing in this rift at all. I hope someday we could be friendly towards each other, I do not need that though.
When I think of my anger towards JH I do not feel at all good. It would have been far more gracious to simply move away knowing what was acceptable and not and not needing to try and make the point so vociferously. I was trying to get my point across and should have given up when I really really knew that change wasn't actually on the cards. I am sorry that I kept on. It's not how I like myself.
With my dad recently it was an emotional mix - anger, sadness, years of resentment, shame too. Amongst many other emotions mixed up I expect. I don't think I was loud, more tearful and that was scary in front of my dad.
So outbursts of emotions can be useful too. Sometimes it is possible to express oneself within the emotions.
With regard to the non-retalliation, it doesn't mean to me that I do not listen to the content of the message. A person is angry with reason. None of it is another person fault. Emotions are one's own but of course everyone has a part to play, the result of interaction.
So not to retalliate feels very good for me. But not to ignore, that is a different matter all together. And I think I would also add that I am sorry that you are feeling so angry or something along those lines. I think it would also be important to acknowledge hearing what is being said and maybe saying I need time to absorb it and consider my point of view.
That might create more explosion or maybe not - but the fuel has not come from me.
I have plenty of opportunity to practice this at work. At times clients get very angry about the rigid boundaries. I do not need to react or respond whilst they are in the anger. I can easily provide reasoning later on but the maintaining of the bondaries continues regardless of the anger.
SC has said he can take me after all next Friday. I do not feel able to go plus I would like to gather the money to afford to go to Warwick for the weekend with the OU.
Right then .... a cuppa Green Tea and head in books for a while me thinks.
Bliss
xx
