T is now in intensive care. My dad said "listen very carefully!", in a condescending and sharp tone. "Do you know what intensive care means?"
"Yes"
"What does it mean then?"
"Exactly that, intensive care. I'm not stupid dad"
Without acknowledging my last comment he explained that T is in a critical condition, in a bed right by the nurses station and condescendingly described that a nurses is station is where the nurses sit. "She managed to slip out and started to take a shower but slipped and has now broken her arm, in two places. I cannot understand ....." and he trailed off.
But he continued "Why can't I get hold of you. I phoned and you were on the other line"
"Look dad, I work very long hours to ensure I have enough money. This means I leave at 6:45 and I get home between 20:00 and 20:30. Why are you angry with me, I don't understand?"
At some point he did say sorry. And then again maybe once or twice more, certainly towards the end of the conversation and even said he felt better for talking all his anger out. His anger with the nurses, the consultants, the errors. I said he must be scared. He said yes in a hurry as if not really saying yes and covering the semi-question semi-posit of a suggestion.
Basically her creatinine levels are at 700. Now he tells me that his are high at 100 and prior to his kidney transplant he repeatedly asked me to remember him slumping into his plate when his creatinine levels were this high. I said yes but to be honest I don't remember that precise detail. I do remember him being so thin and two "death lines" as my mum referred to them, in his neck at the back. I remember him looking pale and very ill indeed. I remember him once saying that all he wanted for Christmas was two good kidneys and me crying.
Anyway this is very high and now she needs an operation on her arm. It seems that she has been given the wrong medication twice. This was first in connection with a heart problem but I'm not sure what the second error was or when it occurred. Is it an error that T slipped out to take a shower. Shouldn't she know better herself? My dad said she was hallucinating at the weekend. He laughed because she thought dad was James Bond and her daughter was the producer filming them. God how I hate that there is this relationship between them. What does it mean about the relation ship with my mum. It seems to invalidate my mum. I can empathise with clients and friends fro divorced families and the complexities of new families. I feel so angry at my mum being eradicated from my perception. People don't care though. They make themselves move on and forget how children are affected. And even as adult children there is an affect.
He talked about his anger with the NHS and how unbelievable the situation is. And finally he said that he felt better. I responded "sometimes it can help to talk even if it doesn't change the situation.
"I think I'll be able to sleep now" he seemed hopeful. And he apologised again. Oh he enquired at that time when it might be easiest to get in contact with me. I reiterated my long days. He asked about the situation at work with the mad boss. Bloody hell I recall a few things JB told me about my dad at work. Completely off the wall. Beating a sales rep up in a doorway and JB needing to stop him. Alarming. My dad has a raging fury inside of him. And I have often been the brunt of him getting it out. That's not acceptable anymore.
It feels good to have stood up for myself. Other than that I have nasty thoughts about T's situation. I feel very sad for her and hope that God will take care of her. The evil part of me is even too difficult to state. I can't believe I will write this as it is so vile. I don't care if she dies. It's also not true. I hope she survives and gets well. I am worried though about my dad. He will find this so troubling to stand and deal with. And at his age I suspect it will knock him. As much as I hate it that he dealt with my mums death easier which is probably not true. Instead of dealing with it he remarried.
I am scared for him and his health. I am scared for him having to exert all this energy when really he needs it simply to stay calm and alive. I am scared of his death when nothing is resolved. And the changes I've made will be all too late.
It hurts deep inside of me. A deep sadness that will never ever leave me.
Me, me, me. My belly feels so full and solid after eating. It's been remarked upon how much food I am eating
4oz protein
6oz vegetable
6oz salad
6oz rice
1 tablespoon dressing
6oz yoghurt
1 fruit
And this is twice a day plus breakfast.
I get so fed up with people then fixing, changing, controlling. All I want them to do is listen. I am intolerant of the stepping in to say well that's too little or too much. It is what it is and I do not people to tell me.
Oh and the feeling of sensationalism is a strange phenomenon. Today I Knaphill I passed police tapes and a number of police vehicles. Later I learnt via PD that there had been a shooting. There is this sort of excitable feeling that I was there and this is national news. It's so strange. All I did was pass by some things. I was inquisitive to know and then when I found out this feeling was there. What is this sensationalism and why does it occur.
guardian.co.uk,
Armed response units were called to an address in Knaphill, Woking, just after 10pm on Wednesday night following reports that a man was armed and was intending to harm himself and others, Surrey police said.
Bomb disposal experts also attended over concerns that explosives may have been inside the property in Oak Tree Road.
A police cordon was set up and a number of residents were evacuated from their homes.
The man, in his 40s, was later shot at the scene before being taken to St George's hospital in Tooting, police said. It is not known how serious his injuries are.
Another man, in his 30s, was arrested and remains in police custody.
Officers also recovered a firearm from the scene. It has yet to be examined by experts.
Police said they were not looking for anyone else in connection with the incident and have referred the shooting to the Independent Police Complaints Commission.
Bliss
XX
"Yes"
"What does it mean then?"
"Exactly that, intensive care. I'm not stupid dad"
Without acknowledging my last comment he explained that T is in a critical condition, in a bed right by the nurses station and condescendingly described that a nurses is station is where the nurses sit. "She managed to slip out and started to take a shower but slipped and has now broken her arm, in two places. I cannot understand ....." and he trailed off.
But he continued "Why can't I get hold of you. I phoned and you were on the other line"
"Look dad, I work very long hours to ensure I have enough money. This means I leave at 6:45 and I get home between 20:00 and 20:30. Why are you angry with me, I don't understand?"
At some point he did say sorry. And then again maybe once or twice more, certainly towards the end of the conversation and even said he felt better for talking all his anger out. His anger with the nurses, the consultants, the errors. I said he must be scared. He said yes in a hurry as if not really saying yes and covering the semi-question semi-posit of a suggestion.
Basically her creatinine levels are at 700. Now he tells me that his are high at 100 and prior to his kidney transplant he repeatedly asked me to remember him slumping into his plate when his creatinine levels were this high. I said yes but to be honest I don't remember that precise detail. I do remember him being so thin and two "death lines" as my mum referred to them, in his neck at the back. I remember him looking pale and very ill indeed. I remember him once saying that all he wanted for Christmas was two good kidneys and me crying.
Anyway this is very high and now she needs an operation on her arm. It seems that she has been given the wrong medication twice. This was first in connection with a heart problem but I'm not sure what the second error was or when it occurred. Is it an error that T slipped out to take a shower. Shouldn't she know better herself? My dad said she was hallucinating at the weekend. He laughed because she thought dad was James Bond and her daughter was the producer filming them. God how I hate that there is this relationship between them. What does it mean about the relation ship with my mum. It seems to invalidate my mum. I can empathise with clients and friends fro divorced families and the complexities of new families. I feel so angry at my mum being eradicated from my perception. People don't care though. They make themselves move on and forget how children are affected. And even as adult children there is an affect.
He talked about his anger with the NHS and how unbelievable the situation is. And finally he said that he felt better. I responded "sometimes it can help to talk even if it doesn't change the situation.
"I think I'll be able to sleep now" he seemed hopeful. And he apologised again. Oh he enquired at that time when it might be easiest to get in contact with me. I reiterated my long days. He asked about the situation at work with the mad boss. Bloody hell I recall a few things JB told me about my dad at work. Completely off the wall. Beating a sales rep up in a doorway and JB needing to stop him. Alarming. My dad has a raging fury inside of him. And I have often been the brunt of him getting it out. That's not acceptable anymore.
It feels good to have stood up for myself. Other than that I have nasty thoughts about T's situation. I feel very sad for her and hope that God will take care of her. The evil part of me is even too difficult to state. I can't believe I will write this as it is so vile. I don't care if she dies. It's also not true. I hope she survives and gets well. I am worried though about my dad. He will find this so troubling to stand and deal with. And at his age I suspect it will knock him. As much as I hate it that he dealt with my mums death easier which is probably not true. Instead of dealing with it he remarried.
I am scared for him and his health. I am scared for him having to exert all this energy when really he needs it simply to stay calm and alive. I am scared of his death when nothing is resolved. And the changes I've made will be all too late.
It hurts deep inside of me. A deep sadness that will never ever leave me.
Me, me, me. My belly feels so full and solid after eating. It's been remarked upon how much food I am eating
4oz protein
6oz vegetable
6oz salad
6oz rice
1 tablespoon dressing
6oz yoghurt
1 fruit
And this is twice a day plus breakfast.
I get so fed up with people then fixing, changing, controlling. All I want them to do is listen. I am intolerant of the stepping in to say well that's too little or too much. It is what it is and I do not people to tell me.
Oh and the feeling of sensationalism is a strange phenomenon. Today I Knaphill I passed police tapes and a number of police vehicles. Later I learnt via PD that there had been a shooting. There is this sort of excitable feeling that I was there and this is national news. It's so strange. All I did was pass by some things. I was inquisitive to know and then when I found out this feeling was there. What is this sensationalism and why does it occur.
Police shoot man in Woking
Press Association
Armed police and bomb disposal units called to property after reports of man intending to harm himself and others
A man is being treated in hospital after he was shot by police at a property in Surrey.Armed response units were called to an address in Knaphill, Woking, just after 10pm on Wednesday night following reports that a man was armed and was intending to harm himself and others, Surrey police said.
Bomb disposal experts also attended over concerns that explosives may have been inside the property in Oak Tree Road.
A police cordon was set up and a number of residents were evacuated from their homes.
The man, in his 40s, was later shot at the scene before being taken to St George's hospital in Tooting, police said. It is not known how serious his injuries are.
Another man, in his 30s, was arrested and remains in police custody.
Officers also recovered a firearm from the scene. It has yet to be examined by experts.
Police said they were not looking for anyone else in connection with the incident and have referred the shooting to the Independent Police Complaints Commission.
Bliss
XX
