The Skype call was lovely for the purposes of someone calling me when I can see a long empty of people day ahead of me. But the little noises, the echoing sound and plop plop of rising bubbles from the depths of the deep, I just can't think of a summarising phrase that really captures the sound. JH could do that somehow.
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).
I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.
It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!
So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.
Good for him.
Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.
So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)
Bliss
XX
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).
I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.
It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!
So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.
Good for him.
Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.
So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)
Bliss
XX
