Sunday 16 January 2011

Notes on The Brain (BBC4) documentary and emotions: feeling the emotion

These are simply fast typed notes from a documentary I was watching ... excuse any errors or misinformation
(Pleasing to realise that I have learnt as all a very very familiar to me)

Watson believed that we are born with emotions.
Where do they come from - born with them or learnt?
Love fear and rage - mixing gives emotional range.
But he believed every experience we have later in life is the product of childhood experiences.
What you hated, who you would fall in love with and what would make you happy

Controversial but important experiment - Little Albert the study of fear

Is it possible to make a person phobic? - horrid video footage creating fright in the little child.
Well known experiments creating fear in the small child - placing objects with which he played happily and then later introducing loud sounds for example that scare the little child everything the once harmless stimuli is placed by the child
This child died very young - aged 6yrs, anonymous - Douglas, from an infectious disease. There is no trace of what actually happened after he left the experimental regime .
I wonder if the experiments left a mark on his psyche then affecting his physical health??

Love
What is it and what is it for?
Affection and love - does it develop and simply reinforce the bond with the person who feeds the baby?
Harry Harlow - studier of love.
The experiment of the baby monkeys and seeking comfort. It's a weird experiment creating a surrogate mother built from bits of scrap.
One of these surrogate mothers offered food ( a basic need satisfying hunger) and the other simple comfort and affectionate representative of a soft cover.
Rosenbaum - tended to agree that the monkeys seemed to form a loving attachment to the cloth mother
But he then created the cloth mother rejecting the monkey and being the one who created the emotional distress.
So it was deduced that having created a loving attachment the baby clung harder when the mother was the creator of emotional distress.
Deprived of love does this bring about despair and depression.
Harlow proved that in isolation and without any love the moneys were very disturbed.
Of course there is evidence now from orphaned babies not held or nurtured that there is an under development in the brain.
Proof indeed that we all need companionship and affection and close physical contact.
Changes were affected by Harlow's very controversial experiments.

Albert Bandura
Study of aggression - watching violence induces aggression - is this true?
With Watson showing that emotions are innate but associating them with experiences is the learning of the application of them ....

Empathy
Christian Keyser and the study of empathy
own feelings of pain important in understanding the pain in others
Current experiments monitor the reaction in the brain
same areas in the brain light up whether watching someone else experiencing pain as when receiving pain.

Brain scans can help model who we really are rather than what we want to think we are or want others to think we are.
Interesting.


Terrible personal misfortune and the ways in which this affects emotional processing.
Antonio Dimasio
http://fora.tv/2009/07/04/Antonio_Damasio_This_Time_With_Feeling
I have his books and as yet have not read them - well have dipped in and out.

A man with a brain tumor has it removed but it affected a change in him. He was emotionally flat, his wife describes him as cold. He says he does not feel emotions. He did not feel love anymore for his wife despite not falling out of love with her,
He relies on a cognitive realisation of what it might feel like for others because he cannot actually feel it.
He imagined that perhaps serial killers don't have emotions. Nothing would bother a killer perhaps.
The way he stops himself is by remembering that he is not a serial killer.
He can still read emotions in other people - recognising tears as sadness but whether he can use that to influence his decisions for himself.
Dimasio showed that decision making is dependant on emotional responses to situations.
He undermined the belief that decision making is all logical.
Emotional cues - commonly known as gut instincts.
INSTINCTUAL - emotionally driven.
But it's so close how the emotions education the cognition.
And then it seems like rational logical decisions are being made.

These are theories and experiments that match my own beliefs from years of observation now and my own experiences.
So a man who has no emotional response =??
So strange observing a person with no emotional responses. Incredible. And I guess there is this within degrees of aspergers and autism.
Empathy is so crucial to understanding self. This happens often at a sub conscious level. And contributes to a sense of self and the Theory of Mind in relating with others.
Vital to companionship and closeness which we have established is crucial to us humans and other animals

Ah Dimasio speaks about social emotions such as guilt and embarrassment or shame pride etc.
There are also biological emotions eg fear
Feeling is the capping of the process which then combined with logic and reason makes us sophisticated beings compared with non sentient probably lacking in conscious awareness creatures such as a snail without any brain who is a complicated biological functioing thing.

Distinction between emotion and thinking is so important but has been non -concious
When we feel the emotion is when we know we have it - as otherwsie the emotion goes undetected.
And then we may not be aware of what is driving our decision making.

Fascinated Bliss
X

Cabinet of Curiosities

Kenneth Snelson
"...concerned with the interplay of natural forces, and a dedication to finding ways in which those forces might manifest themselves in three-dimensional forms. "
Following JH's visit to USA - what interesting ideas - looks like a galaxy of stars - not my orignial thought but it kind of associated for me. It's actually called Sleeping Dragon.
Kenneth Snelson, "Atom" (1965-2009) Atom






The incredibly haunting voice of Ofra Haza - what a sound. Singing Led Zeppelins song beautifully. At least I think it is their song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu5Cgb6Yy4Y&feature=related

I first heard Ofra as the vocals on Sarah Brightmans album Harem. But there is no version on You Tube. It's stunning on her album
Harem



Check out these two ....


http://www.google.co.uk/images?q=gilbert+and+george&hl=en&safe=off&rls=com.microsoft:en-gb:IE-Address&rlz=1I7SKPB&prmd=ivnsu&source=lnms&tbs=isch:1&ei=694yTebCMIfQjAePtv3YCg&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBQQ_AUoAQ&biw=1259&bih=606





Sorry about the extortionate link address
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_and_George
My friend sees one or both of them at her market stall and suggested I take a look.

I found myself attracted and yet for what I do not know. Initially it seemed to be to be incredibly narcissistic that George and Gilbert seem to be the feature of every piece of work. And then when I considered this more, of course everyone is at the centre of everything they do even if its altruism. And so the fact that their work is developed around their lives in the East End it is about them - why not?
Colourful in a sort of satirical way. Everything about their work seems to be an incredibly strong message. I am not sure if this is what they are intending. I would imagine so because of the subjects they are appearing in.
If AB and I go to the Tate Modern next Saturday as planned I will look out for them. I am not even sure they are there. I suppose it's possible to check out what is in each gallery in advance. They have a new exhibition at the White Cube. Mmmm its a way from the Tate but will see what AB thinks


I like this T-shirt even though I am anti the whole designer clothes cost thing. I appreciate that designers should be paid their worth, I just have something against the whole hiked up prices for articles of clothing reproduced over and over and over again and sold at extortionate prices. I have probably got this all wrong as I have not done any research. Yes I can see quality stuff and materials - but truly the prices are diriculous and I always suspect where and the conditions under which some things are made.



An amazing day!

"I punched you on the nose once!". "I know", I calmly replied, nodding and maintaining eye contact. "I remember all the blood on my school blouse and how I ran out of the house shouting, "you've done it now!"
Then my dad said it had haunted him ever since and that he was sorry. Both inside and outside I felt very still, peaceful.
This conversation seemed to come out of the blue. But actually things have been heading in this direction for probably a few years now. The first big change for me was when I told him I was going to Spain. I faced my terror or telling him. I left it right up until the last minute. He protested, of course. However, I thanked him for his thoughts and said I would be back in April. I think it was last year or maybe the year before when I said that I would no longer call him as when I did there seemed to be a worse atmosphere than if he called me. I have crossed this boundary from time to time. On the occasion when my desire for my dad or a need for his input has driven me to call. But the experience was always as expected and gradually I have been able to remind myself not to call. And sure enough he has called me. I told him at that time I think or maybe another time how I feel about something very important - damn I can't remember what it is now. I think it was to do with the way he talks to me on the phone or something along those lines. On occasions we have met, I have not been drawn in to his negativity about me. The conversations have been getting lighter and lighter I think. Oh did tell him how I had felt when he had kissed his step daughters and shook my hand. of course after that he stepped forward to kiss me on the cheek as we said goodbye and I nearly vomited. That has become easier to receive although I do not make myself available for that.
When we met sometime around October or November, can't quite remember when, my dad said he was proud of me in relation to the studying I am doing and the work that I now do. He gave me some money. I have never asked him for any money at all since mum died. And he told me that he was leaving his medals to me in his will. I wrote to him to thank him for the money. I also said how him being proud of me meant so much. I think I mentioned that I don't recall him having said that before. I told him how honoured I felt that he would consider leaving me his medals knowing how important they are to him.
These are just snippets of years of change in me that I think have partially contributed to today's conversation. Also of course I behave very differently today. I am still me, perhaps more me than ever before. I am sure this must be conveyed during our interaction. I wonder though if he is or has been working on himself too. He is remarkable different. Or maybe he is really mellowing with his age.

In relation to the event mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I could recall us arguing at the top of the stairs. He pointed out that I had sneaked out and he was angry with me. I protested, saying that I was in my school uniform. Since a young child I had come home from school to an empty house. I was always expected to fend for myself. Of course this meant I was probably quite feral even though I knew the rules. I didn't say this to my dad today. I did say that I thought he had come home early from work and maybe found me not at home. But he said I had sneaked out. I could not remember this detail. So we spoke about how angry he always seemed. I asked him if he was angry. And that triggered various conversations about his military past and his own childhood.
He was evacuated from London when he was about 7 or 9 years old. Him and Uncle Mick, sent away from their mum and his older brother Uncle Frank. At this point he made a comment about his mother thinking that Uncle Frank won the war single handed when he didn't see half the front line service my dad had seen. I could see the anger with his mother at that moment (I have always heard his hatred - anger - for her) They returned when dad was about 12 years old he thinks. He was sent to a family in Kings Langley, near Watford. He said that their mother always dressed them very well. The kids at school in London used to take the mickey out of them but it was much worse when they got to Kings Langley. So he and Uncle Mick would hide their coats on the way to school. He seemed to imply they had good coats and remembers this being the cause of them being bullied. One day on the way home he got one of the boys and pummelled him to a pulp. I could see the relief on my dads face as he said it. And then they ran and hid because they knew they would get in trouble. The bullied becomes the bully.
My dad could remember that during the air raids they had to go into Maida Vale tube station. All the people lying around and some even on the tracks. This he really emphasised. And then the people were moved off the tracks when a train had to pass through. He said as a boy he recalled seeing the train pass slowly by with all bodies. I said did you see the bodies then? He replied "I could only see bags" I suppose he must have heard the adults saying something about the bodies. He said it was so horrible. He was there when he said it it seemed to me.
Oh and he said the people he and Uncle Mick had to live with weren't nice to them. They ate dog biscuits because they didn't get much food. I wonder if this was true????
The we spoke a little about his military service. He talked about being in Korea. There was a time they were escorting a train of dead Americans. He said something about people trying to steal from the bodies and his troop had to keep them away. Then they came across a load of deserters who also tried to rob the bodies and he gave orders, shoot to kill. And then there were Koreans who tried to cross the borders as stow-aways on the train. They had to clear them off the roof. One time a woman fell off the roof onto the tracks. She lost her arm and leg under the train. My dad said it was a horrid decision leaving her there to bleed to death or dispose of her were his words.
Some of this was prompted when I spoke about encounters with military people within my field of work and how I can see a certain something that seems common. I can see it as something that is shut down so firmly, like a little bit of soul has been killed. I didn't say that last bit to my dad. I mentioned how I had met up with CY and seen it in him. My dad could remember CY from Reid's Farm and his sister DY.
He talked about how FC framed him one time. Something to do with a note being found in the dry cleaners under my dads trousers. He said it was something to do with police corruption. I am not sure. I remember there being a big problem for him involving a boy at the swimming baths or something. I am not clear on the details. He described how two police officers were sent to speak with him about this letter that had been found but there was a satisfactory outcome for him.
Then he talked about my friend LK. He said he could tell me things that would shock me about her. Now I know that she wasn't allowed to come and stay as there was some accusation about his inappropriate behaviour towards her. I think he was wriggling out of things here. Too difficult for him to own? I don;t know.
I was thinking for a while that I should say and do you remember doing this to me????????? But I couldn't. I am just not ready.
I said that I had always felt he was so strict with me. My friends could do things and I couldn't. And at times I was naughty but actually I was rebelling because I didn't know what else to do. He then said that he knows he was trying to make me behave how he thought I should. Some of it was trying too hard to protect me. But he can see how he was stopping me from being the individual I was.
Other things were discussed. If I remember more specifics I will add them.

As we departed, I was struggling not to scream with emotional pain. I expelled really odd sounds. I managed to hold it together until I was no longer driving behind him. And then let it out. Somehow I so so wanted my daddy. Like a little girl I really wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was OK. And that he loved me. But of course it is impossible to get that now. Whilst there is a little girl in me still, she does not physically exist now. And with my dad owning some of his behaviour, I would not feel safe despite my longing.

At the same time I was flipping angry. Suddenly I thought I could not feel how I have felt all these years because he is suddenly owning something. It took speaking to a very very good friend to be reminded that I still have the feelings I have always had. And just because he is taking some responsibility I do not have to forgive here and now. I will need time to digest what I have heard. All the horrors and his denial have defined me for so long. Wow! Such a complicated mix of emotions. I felt in shock too.
When speaking with AM, I was stuttering like a child and spluttering with air and tears all at the same time.

Am listened and said she cannot imagine what it must be like after all this time for me to have an apology, some ownership for something that has been so hurtful for as long as I can remember. I think perhaps he is trying to own and say sorry for it all. I guess it is up to me to bring the greater things to the discussion. I would probably kill him if he talked about other things that he did. I think I really need a session or two with SC. I will call him on Monday.
This is a big thing. I felt absolutely drained emotionally. I was physically tired.

But I shopped for AB's birthday present. I bought some arty stuff for me. And then went off to a lovely evening birthday celebration with AB. Her sister and mum were there. We had the cake and pressie opening ceremony, we played an anagram game and then went off for an Indian meal. It was all lovely. And always I feel very warm amidst their family. AB is a very very important friend to me. She was delighted it seemed that I wrote to my "BESTEST" friend in her card.

I am now home and really missing JH. Wondering what he is doing? How his flight was? What his accommodation is like? Would like to just be held by him tonight after all of this weird day.
Sad. I want to be able to love and to be loved and for him to be able to love me.

JH said as I was driving to meet my dad, that he hoped something good would come of the meeting. I responded saying that I would look for the good. This was positivity that I ignore. I know the bad and look for the bad. So to go with a different attitude was good for me. Helpful and after the uplifting through speaking with ET, things were beginning to look less gloomy. I could go with some peace. Of course the difficult feelings of not being on the travel adventure continue to wash over me.
I never imagined in my lifetime this conversation could have taken place. I never thought my dad would ever take ownership and offer any apology for anything. It is an incredible day. I guess it might not have happened ever should I have been flying instead of meeting my dad. Who knows the order of the world, only the Universe does.

Now I need to be gentle and let this sink in. I need to consider all that this means to me.
I think it significant that always in times involving my dad and extreme abuse things I can only really speak the emotions with AM. I can talk with the others afterwards. AM truly, truly hears my deepest emotions without me having to say them.
Thank goodness for great friends and people in my life.

It;s a little less dark deep inside me tonight.
Thank you Universe

Bliss
X