I am speaking with SC this evening. The emotions within me are moutainous and feel overwhelming. I am actually fearful. I feel insane.
I really, truly can see what he has meant when I eroticise the rage within me. Getting home this afternoon after a lovely time with AB, walking,talking, sharing poetry and relaxing, instantly the emotions were on me. I was so tired after little sleep, I went for an afternoon snooze. I knew that I needed this particularly as I didn;t want the meditation this. evening to turn into a sleep. Once in bed the rage was so present and my thoughts turned to being controlled. Whilst I was talking to AM this monring I identified that when I was very young, I had machinations similar to those that were acted out through SL with the M/s scenarios. I felt disgusted and ashamed. I find it very difficult to tell anyone. And yet there I was so involved with it and wanting it and gaining from it as well. I also felt sad for a little girl who is fantasising about those sort of things. Is that common I wonder or is it the result of a distorted relationship with my father?
Of course I would meet people who would encourage and support that and make it right. Why on earth would he/they have changed since. They will be pursuing that of course. It's me that wants healing fom my past so I need change.
This morning I was so enraged, I wanted to truly bring about downfall and hurt others. It's the little girl in me that was so hurt and violated. Kicking out. I need somewhere to place the enormity of this anger and I cannot palce it with my father. I want him to love me and he's an old man now. So of course seeking out men that in some unconcious way represent him and then their behaviour enrages me I can place it on them. It's not all conscious but I am seeing things a little clearer afterwards.
The problem is by trying to keep a track then I am just re-traumatising and re-tiggering the rage and feeling insane. Well I think it is like that.
I need to go food shopping now. Pah! That instead of a wonderful meditation. But I do need SC's help.
I am ashamed of the deep desire within me to enact M/s despite being absolutely aroused and engrossed in and desiring it more than anything else. I am flitting between wanting it now and being disgusted. I know thaty I need tos tay away but it seems easier than having to deal with my own feelings. Being controlled utterly seems right for me and I don't really understand why.
I wonder if it's in a way related to the contolling of the enormous emotions within me. The rage that feels currently like a volcano erupting with such a force. But if a man contols me then it sort of contains that. And the sexual acting out ? I am not quite sure about that at this time. I know that it is related. There is the ability to enjoy sex because someone else is giving me permission to. That certainly plays a big part. I think the desire to please the man is so so strong in me. If I pelase him he will be pleased with me and love me. But it's always going to be an unequal relationship because I feel unworthy.
I am writing this Friday morning now. Good Friday here in the UK.
As you can tell my thinking is all over the place. Yesterday was a particularly difficult time for a lot of the day. It was lovely once I calmed down and was with AB, reading poetry and then walking. We had lunch and then In returned home. It seemed a long haul in front of me. I ended up not going to Cittaviveka as the call with SC was scheduled for 2020. I would rather be at home in private than have to walk out early from the meditation and then sit and talk in the car.
SC reminded me that I need to contain the rage and it's not OK to act out on it. The not acting out has been the difficult part. However, I did manage not to during the vening. I told him how scared I felt. He suggested Secondary once again to really get safe environment to once and for all work through the trauma that has once again be re-traumatised withing the relationship and the ending of with JH. I didn't think it was like that. But then I had never actually enacted the M/s relationship before. It had only ever been a fantasy. And it was all muddled up too. With him saying he wanted more but then as we already now behaving differently from that. It was really traumatising I can see that now. Of course he was unaware of the trauma within me and that is the danger of dabbling I suppose in such matters. I don;t know what's driving him either. I wonder if anyone involved in M/s is not full of issues. I would like to understand more the patterns of people and what is so appealing to the majority. That is a psychological interest i now have as a result of my experience. I can;t say I didn't enjoy it. I did. But I have a feeling it was tapping into something psychological in me.
What I need is to stay completely away. And I will. Something deep was triggered in me. Each time it's getting deeper inside or maybe more is available to be triggered.
SO SC reminded me that I needed to ave the rage boundaried, that I could not act out whilst the rage is rising. I realise it's juts not OK for the rage to be let loose. It needs to be witnesed and held. SO I managed to not overeat and managed not to engage with any looking or sexual acting out. Which doesn;t mean actually engaging in any sex or contact. But looking for it.
I got to bed calmer and actually pleased with making it through the day and night without any damage to myself in any way whatsoever.
I know that I have many good qualities and have qualities that are valuable. I love my friends and there is a spiritual tranqulity that I can embrace at times. Tis deep issue from childhood is something that I would like to heal and move beyond. I think it is magnified by the hormonal changes. But I do not think it is any less real and huge. I get scared that if I let go I will never again be in contact with all that feels very spiritual. All the things that I lvoe and enjoy - art, outdoors world, LouLou, people (loving kind gentle real people), spiritual engagements. I truly have all those very deep inside me but alongside this trauma and black stuff.
Please God, please please God help me.
God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the
bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do
Thy will always!
I do feel very sad and lonely today. It is Good Friday, a day when I would have in the past been with my mum (and my dad). I miss her and the totoal safety that she provided and meant to me. I always had somewhere to go and someone to love me. Now there is just me and sometimes that feels scary and lonely. I feel such a little girl and having to do grown up things and look after myself. And then I go and meeet people that cannot look after me. I need to grow more. And stop playing dangerous games where I get even more hurt.
I will sketch something that has been in mind to do. And I enjoy doing that. This will be experimental which always is frightening because I want it to turn out exactly how it is in my mind and when it doesn't I turn to the thinking that I am incapable. So istead I will just go with it.
Then I will call C from the meeting - I have not returned her 2 missed calls. Then I will call AB and arrange our walk for today. Then this evening I will go to the Friday meeting.
No plans for Saturday yet. Walk, meeting is all I know so far. I think I would like to get to the shpos too to change or refund the clothes I have bought.
2 more weeks off and I will timetable the studying to have a mix of work and rest.
Bliss
XX
