Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX

The Slug and Bill

Well home eventually but not until nearly 22:00. Why?
A walk around Abergavenny, which already seems an age ago. You know that feeling of surprise that one moment I was there and now I'm here and there is already in the past yet fresh experience?
SO we visited the church, the indoor market and then teas and coffees at The Angel Hotel. T warned us as we arrived that she had ordered flour and sugar - scone with cream and jam. I am so glad that M had been confused about what T was doing about her abstinence. I have held from gossipping or talking about things that are none of my business to discuss.
After the Angel we drove to the castle. Splendid ruins. We had lunch sitting out in the grounds ad although cold it was nice to not be eating in the car in a car park.
We then walked around the castle museum. It was fascinating. An entire shop had been pulled apart not so long ago and resurrected as a display in the museum. What a thing to keep. M was chatting with a very good looking man on and off. I made a comment about the low fling planes questioning whether they were still allowed and apparently this was still a low flying zone. The good looking man responded to my comment of what a pity saying they have to practise somewhere. I think he may have been RAF. He didn't really speak to me again after that, anyway he seemed interested in M.
The father, was so interesting. Born and bred there. Born on one of the hills (on a farm) and then had lived for his life to date in Pantygelli where we had been staying. He added to the stories about the Smiths. He spoke of old Mr Smith dying having heard a noise out amongst the animals he went off to investigate. His wife was concerned when he didn't return, and then still didn't return and still longer had not returned. On exploring she found him dead in the field having had a heart attack. He hushed his mouth, he said no more. There is mystery around this story, hinted at strongly by his comment of there are many tales about the Smiths. A few years later old Mrs Smith went to Canada with her sister, visiting relatives. They were in a car crash, killed outright. And although he didn't say as much he commented on the current Smiths and all their kids. I think he was hinting at the "curse" on the household. I will write more about this.
Anyway eventually we set off from the castle, leaving Abergavenny behind us. What a great time we have had. I commented on having really found it easy being with T and M. We discussed how we have got along with each other and noticing our differences. I have a feeling M finds it less easy to get along with people's differences. It's only an opinion. I could be wrong but she commented on knowing why she can not live with anybody. What I tend to do is take on her difficulty as criticism of me. She made a couple of comments about me that I think are perfectly valid but there are other things that I feel OK with about myself. Those are things she is picking out and not necessarily because I am wrong.
I was struggling to work out timings for dinner. Having decided to eat out for our evening meal I was realising that we would be far too early based on the idea that M wanted to keep rolling really to get home before it's dark. So I suggested we might go for coffee/tea at Thornbury Castle. I remember how much my mum loved it when she and dad went for a weekend there. What a very beautiful Castle. A wedding was taking place, and that contributed to the afternoon tea being completely booked out - no room at the inn. So we used the toilet facilities and left having a cuppa in a very mediocre place in Thornbury itself. Then we stopped at the pub I had planned in Collingbourne Kingston.
Please no on ever go there. It was dreadful. The food was less than mediocre, in fact generally it was very poor cuisine. Only £9.95 for a poached salmon salad. My salmon was pretty dry. The courgettes seasonal vegetable side order were greasy and barely tasted of courgettes. The other seasonal veg was red cabbage. Wow! Stingy seasonal vegetables side order. And not a selection at all. But the slug was alive and well when I saw it crawling across my plate. Eeeek! I feel sick even thinking of it. So the pub to avoid is the Barleycorn. Not really because of the slug but for the way in which the matter was handled and the general terrible service, the slovenly approach by untrained staff (poor them, left to front the difficult situation I am about to describe), an angry and nasty Chef/manager and his wife who completely left us unacknowledged, not even an apology and continued to let the youngsters deal with the situation. M and T said their food was not good. Now without the slug event what does one do about this? When the food is mediocre and that's their standard what should one do about not good food?
Anyway, when I spotted said slug my first reaction was to try and remove it without anyone noticing. Why on earth ...? I felt embarrassed that this was happening to me. I wanted to surreptitiously remove the evidence without anyone noticing so that they would not be affected or would be thinking badly of me for having the slug on my plate. It would be something they could ridicule me about when already I was feeling dreadful about the experience of a crawling slug from food I had been eating my way thought. How disgusting. I gave the young waiter my plate and the slug. Of course the mood deepened on the table, and this after M and T had been having a long discussion about T's state of mind and attitude etc. I had dozed off so awoke to hear the last few miles of this situation. T seemed down but the slug slide brought the entire atmosphere to a big low. M could barely eat more of her food despite saying tat the burger part tasted good. There rest was not good. Although the chips looked lovely she and T said they were awful, greasy. Matching the courgettes. And the fish T had ordered she aid was tasteless. When the waiter came to the table I asked her to speak to the manager as ot only was I not prepared to pay for my meal which had already been knocked off the bill, I suggested that she might speak with the manager as were entirely dissatisfied and asked for the manager to compensate us. Well he didn't come out for ages. Of course he was busy with a "fine dining" evening. What a load of rubbish food they would be served up. Tat pub used to be so good, good home cooing. Now? So frustrating. When eventually the manager did appear I stated y thoughts and feelings very calmly and his attitude was diabolical. His sorry was followed with a but and a justification for the salad. He said that it is washed as soon as it arrives or something to that effect. He didn't mean sorry at all and that was the first trigger for rising anger. Then without any further apology he said he wasn't prepared to do anything about the cost of the other two meals. His dogmatic attitude fuelled the simmering anger. I was not seething but in my frustration at the injustice I felt my anger levels rise. To begin with I was argumentative . Then he kept talking over me so I shouted "please let me finish". I think he was aware that I could cause a louder scene in his pub that none of us had so far done. He said that he wanted a name and address to take us to the small claims court if we didn't pay. None of us had ID with our address on. The young waiter asked how we had got there which made no sense to me and so I asked what difference it made how I got there based on with or without ID.There was no follow up on this. M suggested we simply leave. But outside I said look I am not prepared to be taken to the small claims court win or lose. And if we just drove off they would take the licence plate of the car and no doubt we'd be stopped down the road. The chef/manager popped his head around the door saying that if we left without leaving any details it would be theft. Oh! How flipping frustrating this horrible man who had been a party to the mood of our day being flattened, me feeling sick an the others not being able enjoy their meal with worry, being a complete and utter imbecile. Goodwill is so important to nurture and whatever happened to the customer being right. We returned to pay with cash as none of us were prepared to leave our details. I am interested in how once again I was fighting for what I considered to be the underdogs, M and T. And it was my meal that had the slug and had been deducted off the bill. The slug and bill.
I'm tired now so will continue with this horrid saga tomorrow.
Night

Bliss
XX