Stop thinking that you have to make it happen Bliss and let it happen ......
That you have to be better, and be yourself
That I've ever judged you and be free
The Universe
I like this reading - powerlessness and acceptance of it means I can let go and relax.
So long as I have put my action in ......
If and when I can take this on board, I feel so calm and free and peaceful.
I had a sense of this briefly this morning - just let everyone be as they are and be myself too - generally I have quite a happy disposition. Not thought when I am trying tos econd guess what everyone esle is thinking. Oh no! Then I am in turmoil and usually very negative. I get paranoid and everyone is against me.
Oh my gosh! I think it's flipping well hormonally magnified too. At times these last few days my thoughts have been pure lunacy - people telling me lies, or at least hiding the truth from me. Not really likeing me at all. Any nice behaviour is actually just a cover for all the shitty stuff being done behind my back. Gosh it must be a nightmare at times trying to be my friend.
I saw E the other morning. She said she had a sore throat and was feeling generally grotty. She was less than friendly towards me. I have spent the last 3 days trying to work out exactly what I have done wrong that has annoyed her so much with me. I have replayed recent weeks of conversations. Almost verbatim. Do you do that? And how bloody self centred!!!!! Everything is about me.
And then I thought I had upset M. I had written on Skype that I thought she was grumpy and then thought she had seen it. Not only that I thought she was judging me on an issue of behaviour that we have differing opinions about.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr I am mental
Gosh I just heard my friend in such pain. I am so so scared of being hurt. I feel real love for JH. I hate my insecurity and paranoia and am working on this within myself.
I am putting trust in him because he says I can. I like him so much and love him so much.
But as my feelings are intensifying I am becoming more afraid of being hurt. It's so sad.
I do not want my fear or my insecurity to stand in the way of my love for him or stop him from being able to love me.
I truly enjoy all that is rich about the way I see we are together. If I can keep things in today, then everything that has been in this day with JH has been lovely. I could do with more just because I like the interactions and communication between us. I like how I feel.
As soon as I think beyond this moment and into tomorrow - argghhh - the projection can be annoying.
So in today - i feel fondness and love. I smile with the funny things that pass between us, the silliness at time, the hours and hours of talking about things. Our thoughts around elements of our relationship (think we certainly analyse a lot and maybe this is not so healthy - I don't know, any thoughts??)
I am so so looking forward to being with JH on Saturday evening.
So the Universe' message is so appropriate. I am in a beautiful relationship with JH. I so enjoy it. I love the feeling that comes with loving and being loved. Enjoy - stop trying to make things happen and be myself just as I am. I am enough!!!
The groups and 1:1's today seemed easier. The migraine symptoms are mainly easing. There have been a few moments when I have felt clumsy and not seem things clearly. And of course the tracking of what is being said and the meaning has the eluded me.
I feel so sad for one client who just cannot see beyond her self-berating. I truly think she needs some long term help. She has a lot to come to terms with. Sometimes there is a client that really touched my heart and she is one of them. Dual diagnosis - so horrid to see the confusion brough on my MD.
Anyway there was some good work in group. Enjoyed the Step One lecture I gave. he he - so long as I enjoyed it as P would say then that's all that matters!!! Ha ha hahahahah
Pah, I have eaten too much this evening - feeling fat! Grrrrrr
OK now I am either going to watch a film OR go back n SL. SL isn't that inspiring this evening - actually I have not bothered to explore places really. Catching up with a few of the characters I met.
And that's it. It is very different now that I am consciously not being flirtatious with or without any motives.
I did think that trust takes time, and faith grows with consistency. So in reality, like my very very wonderful friends, the trust in them and the faith has grown over all the time I have met them. I also grown to like and love them. Some people have fallen off my bandwagon as they did not live up to the person they presented. That's the way of things I guess and how we learn to put boundaries down and still the other person is about and even close.
I have been getting a little confused. M spoke about the amount of time JH and I are speaking. I mentioned it to E too. Both thought it a lot but neither are judging outwardly. I said something to JH about me thinking we were talking a lot. Actually I am loving it and so said this because in my nutty hormonal madness i thought i should to appease them. Grrr at me. I am not keeping things very clear. Jeez hormones are a bloody nuisance when they do this ort of thing. Not a great natural evolving system. Hormones are clearly necessary but have not evolved without curses. They should have developed a way of functioning without messing up other things like my sanity he he he he he.
At least I have some clarity now of what is being said and patterns that I can pick out. I am best in group after about the second week and the clients are starting to move forward slowly. I am not so good and become quite controlling whilst they are in the first 2 weeks. I am not good with the chaos and then don;t like my controlling behaviour. Never like it when I emerge as controlling. Something is very wrong as my usually other unhealthy mode of operandi would be to be completely passive.
Learning there is in betweenie land.
Want to tell JH that my reason for talking about time talking is not because i think anything is wrong.
I hope he makes contact with me this evening after his time out and about. I love him and miss him. Everyone is also saying that it is not easy to have a long distance relationship. Well I know for one thing I want to be with him more and more.
Gosh it's weird thinking he might read this.
Not only my slushy stuff but also my appalling English - lack of colour and creation with my words. I would like a more extensive vocabulary but I don't do anything to help with this. I need to read more I think.
