Holding me back

There will always be people in your life, Bliss, who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.
You knew that,
The Universe

The Shitty Committee

I was just given that little saying "the shitty committee" made me laugh. My shitty committee, tells me I am not good, I will never meet anyone nice so accept whatever is available to you, just the fact that someone pays attention to em is all I am worth.
I was all told that we addicts keep drinking salt water when what we need is nice fresh water. We keep drinking it, it makes us thirstier and eventually sends us mad. To begin with we don;t know this, then after the denial of what's going on has broken down we can't stop not even knowing where to get the fresh water from. Hopefully we find it before it's too late and we go mad and die.

What a good analogy. I made up the bit after the initial drinking salt water when what we need is fresh water. I probably don;t need to spell that out for most people bu t for me I need to have the entire story with examples otherwise I just don;t get it - all too subtle for me.

I amf eeling ashamed today.

What if though the sexual/aggression was not triggered by being abused? What if I have made that all up? What if the wound is not made but I was born with it? Then it is all me. You see I thnk I am tryiung to balme still. But I am uncomfortable with blame as it's useless. I know intellectually it is noone's fault really. My dad has been an ill man for many years. And then the men that I have engaged with apparently are liekly to have been ill too, all the time widening this wound into my sexual/aggression part of the soul. The soul surely though is made of more than sexual need for survival and procreation and aggression to aid the survival?????
I said that to S and he said yes but those are the prominent parts of the soul. Really?
I get it on an evolutionary psychology basis. But surely there is more to us humans than that. Maybe not - maybe that's the stuff we are supposed to learn.
Mmmmm interesting.

Now I need some evidence to support these theories - back to the revision.

Too embarrassed

Clever L, she suggested that I text her - that's how it works she responded. Of course. If it was decent friendly things then I could send it to anyone.
Hopefully that will subside too.
I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.
And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).
There a bit of revision at the same time.

Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.

More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction
The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.