Tempting tempests - the darkest storms before the brightest dawns

Just a little thought about fear. I was wondering where all this fear comes from. Now I've often heard people say that addicts are people who are super sensitive. I don't know if this is true or not. What might be possible in as my own theory is that there are indeed people who are more sensitive than others. And this is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. In fact both are needed in the greater scheme of communities and survival if I take an evolutionary perspective. Those that are pragmatic and less sensitive will have the focus to get things organised and done whilst those that are sensitive will be acutely aware and mindful of others needs or indeed of potential dangers. However, these sensitivities have seemingly been less useful as communities have changed and pragmatism appeared to be the only useful way forward. Getting things done and achieving. As an example, my dad could not abide emotional reactions to situations. This will have been a mix of extreme emotions from his own mother.Well this is what I gathered from things he has implied. Then he went off and joined the army and had to be completely stoic in matters of killing and death of associates. So emotions were completely redundant to him by this time. Now as a child if I was sensitive rather than receiving reassurance I was scolded. This will have created a hyper-sensitivity. Being sensitive was admonished and so the things that I was sensitive to were not stabilised. I was not given guidance how to manage these situations. In fact the situation was worsened with a fear element introduced. There were times though that he could be the hero and the saviour,e ven gentle. But it was so inconsistent and this in itself created uncertainty. I had to use my sensitivity to try and gauge which version of him was present. And of course never really being able to gauge fully, thereby beginning to question myself. When I was cautious he might be really lovly and vice versa. Especialy with other people around. He could be so very charming and others wouldn't see the frightening, dangerous version of him. So I could feel quite insane. He would deny everything of course compounding my feelings of madness.
The start of a world full of fears and uncertainty, little else.
I feel very grateful that I had a relationship with my mum that offered some certainty and reassurance, so I know what it can feel like. I could snuggle into her and feel safe. She even tried I think at times to confront my dad but he was a fearsome fierce force to take on. He was so so raging in his heart and this spilled out everywhere.
The next layer is that somehow my bran wiring leaves me with a predisposition to depression and addiction. I am absolutely certain these are not defects or disabilities as they are often labelled but also there will be an evolutionary perspective on these conditions. However, these days there is little use seen for them and could be the escalation of inconsistency mixed with sensitivity. So indeed maybe depression is a corrupted form developed from that unhealthy mix. And addiction? Well I think that has it's uses in less extreme forms for tenacity. Similarly OCD and other such extreme symptoms. Anyway, the lack of containing sensitivity even by acknowledging it and valuing me coupled with a propensity towards addiction then looks as if the two come together. Indeed I meet a majority of addicted people who are incredibly sensitive people. But it's so "knocked out" of people because it's considered not useful or weak to be sensitive.
I rally value my sensitivity. I can use it to help me to be mindful of myself and of others. When I stop and feel it byt the way as I know I need to with LK. I am mindful away from her of deep rooted fear that is explosive and disruptive. It creates chaos.
Please Universe help me to be mindful and loving in all situations. Please Universe I offer LK to you and please bless her heart. Please bless my dad's heart and his wife's too. Please bless the hearts of all of my wonderful friends, colleagues and fellows. Please Universe put love and bliss in the hearts of everyone around the world and save us from wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
Oddly all of these can be sexualised and appear tempting. For instance in movies with Dracula, his "brides" can be temptuous creating lust which will lead onto all the others, such as envy evoking wrath, linked with pride and gluttony, over indulgence and extravagance. Versus greed which is the desire for more. Eek it all sounds so horrid and yet can look so tempting. The devil is temptation in form. Gosh it can be hard to resist temptation.

Hmm anyway lots of thoughts .....

Bliss
XX

Hieronymus 'simages of the Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things

A Vision For You and Joys of Recovery

There are fractions from AA that adopt the afore mentioned "titles" to their recovery. It scares me but I have to remember that it is just something that isn't right for me. I do see newcomers cobbled by them though.Well I haven't actually seen it but heard about it from newcomers. It worries me as they know no better and it undermines the experience of choice that I have today. The picture in my head reminds me of Agent Smith from The Matrix trilogy ...
I have taken this information from Wikipedia.

Smith began as an Agent, an AI program in the Matrix. Programmed to keep order within the system by terminating human simulacra which would bring instability to the simulated reality, as well as any rogue programs that no longer serve a purpose to the Machine collective. To this end, Smith possesses the ability to take control over the simulated body of any human wired into the Matrix. As an Agent, Smith is able to bend the rules of the Matrix (such as gravity and the limitations of the human body), giving him speed and strength beyond ordinary human capability. He and other Agents can dodge bullets flawlessly, punch through concrete with their bare hands, and jump impossible distances. Agents also have the ability to communicate with each other instantaneously and perceive what other humans wired into the Matrix do via a type of shared consciousness, represented visually via their earpieces (when Agent Smith removes his earpiece during the first film, he is left unaware of the attack on his building). Smith's weapon of choice in the first film, as is standard with all Agents within the Matrix, is the Desert Eagle, chambered for high-caliber .50 AE ammunition.
At the end of the first Matrix film, Smith appeared to have been deleted by Neo; however, in the sequels, Smith is revealed to have been "freed" from the Machines' control, preventing him from being forcibly sent to the system source where he and other programs would be deleted. This process makes him into a renegade program, effectively making him a self-replicating computer virus. Along with his freedom, Smith gains the ability to copy himself onto others within the Matrix, rather than simply having the ability to switch between bodies as normal agents are able to. By copying himself into a human in the process of disconnecting from the Matrix by making use of the in-Matrix landlines
Smith is able to insert himself into the outside world. This is seen when Smith takes over Bane's body in The Matrix Reloaded. Smith's real power comes from his ability to absorb memories and power from his victims, culminating in his form that fights Neo in the final battle of the Matrix series. Smith goes so far as to copy himself into the Oracle and he even tries to control Morpheus, and Neo himself.

I almost visualise these people as turning up in dark suits and sunglasses, very serious indeed and sticking together in clusters to keep their strength. Just like agents. The thing is there is a reasonable looking purpose as with Agent Smith to offer a service to keep the positivity. And to remind about people about remaining vigilant. The problem s that by being so utterly break-away there is a power that is going on. There seems to be a corruption taking place of the basic texts and the gentleness of the fellowship. I can see how this happens with humans time and time again. There seems to be a desire to destroy any individuality in case this is dangerous. I am not sure what Wikipedia is saying about destroying the simulacra because that seems to me that Agent Smith is out to destroy anything that is likeness to humanness if I am understanding simulacra correctly. Whereas I see it as a destruction of uniqueness. It is fear I think glowing through but manifesting as powerful and controlling. Please Universe what is this? The destruction infiltrating even the growth of the recovery world which is about bringing freedom and joy from the heart not from external controls. It will of course attract power hungry who are deep down scared. Scared of life. Not secure in their own selves. I see it I think. How can I allow this to be all a part of the freedom of choice and growth too? Who am I to judge? I know it's not right for me at this time.I imagine there are people who consider FA a fractious group and the rigidity of the programme perhaps too much. I used to think such thoughts and yet I am discovering that if those boundaries are kept I get freedom from within. Perhaps These Agent Smith's are doing the same. Except they seem to recruit rather than just living their programme and promoting it that way. It's a break from one of the vital Traditions - number 11.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

It's good if people can show the opposite as well and then newcomers can choose something different. I guess it shows commitment to recovery if they put not drinking and following the overall suggestions anyway. It's troublesome though.

sim·u·la·crum

   /ˌsɪmyəˈleɪkrəm/ Show Spelled

1. a slight, unreal, or superficial likeness or semblance.

2. an effigy, image, or representation: a simulacrum of Aphrodite.

 

Ah ha - I see so Agent Smith is there to destroy anything that is trying to superficially resemble something human and therefore lead people off the Matrix - astray from the grid. Yes that's what these "agents" seem to be doing. But they are losing something and becoming a super power or believe they are and their task so to speak is actually becoming destructive. This is what happens time and time again. Universe please can you help humans to be aware of and so drop their fears. To love instead and be equal through love. There is room for all.

But these people seem impervious to hearing any other points of views, dodging all tings that come at them. The more they get shot at the stronger they become.

And whereas before they were ostracised s they created their own environment, now they are infiltrating the meetings that they first moved away from. They want to recruit others to "rescue" them and show them THE way. Phew. This is a potential for battle later on. There will be those that will take on the fight. And in the end what will happen?

Universe please take care of everyone in this escalating situation.

 

Bliss

XX

 

 

Big Clouds, little sky

Well you see by staying abstinent clarity comes. But not without help.
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...

One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.

Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use).  The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.

Bliss
xx