Last evening I went to a meeting I have not been to in years. I had already been with friends but all the time I was with them I could feel my unrest. I tried sharing with them my feelings and my very good friend started telling me all I need to do is and all I needed was someone to hear my feelings.
I decided to leave earlier than planned and as I got into my car I knew i needed to talk about my feelings and the only safe place was a meeting where I could expel the emotionally charged air from my body and people would listen. Perhaps relate but mainly listen.
I raced there. Even though I thought I was late I knew I needed to get there. For a split moment I told myself, no youa re tired and you will be late so you won;t feel confident enough to share. But actually I knew sharing and being in a meeting was much more important.
It had started to dawn on whilst talking to ML as I left work. She was telling me about her day. Wow! She was so excited having found what seems like a really good flat - all to herself! She is anxious about finances and was agonising about needing to get more paid work when she saw an advert for teaching TEFL. They were asking for experienced teachers and she just did her course and completed her first turn of work just last year. So ot feeling confident she called to see if it was worth her applying and they said yes with seeming enthusiasm. So I think this made it even easier to allow herself to be excited about the flat. I was sad though when she said it's all too good to be true so is waiting for something bad to happen.
Now the flat sounds great! LL is alowed to visit.
Anyway back to me me me! ML asked how I was and I said I was OK. I started talking about situations at work and could feel my anger. As I write that I know how many people think anger is not OK. Now I really really know that anger as an emotion is natural. What I also know that behaviour or acting out on anger without awareness can be ugly. And it is usually that that people don't like but then the association is difficult to seperate. For years and years in recovery I have been very alert to others anger and in the main my own anger has invariably turned inwards. Self harm in various ways, hedonistic behaviour with extreme risk taking, not caring what has happened to me are just examples. I can be explicit I suppose. I had long discussions with SC about how anger became sexualised and he particularly saw that in the relationship with CY. I don;t feel inclined at this momemtn to write explicitly as I have so much else to get down in writing so the lessons I have been glimpsing don;t get forgotten. Maybe I can come back to that. I am also aware how hen unaware of my anger it can slip out sideways. Rather than being able to approach the situation directly and keep my anger aside from my attitude and behaviour, people can cop it and it comes out I think in vitriole, or just being picky or even outbursts way beyond the level of the particular matter I am "fussing" about.
This is resentment. When anger has been suprressed within me and then it reappears through a much smaller event or situation. All the saved up anger explodes.
So as I was talking with ML I was explaining how angry I was with my employers. Not the immediate management team specificailly at that momemtn although I was griping about my clinical manager NL. He seems to me to be ineffective and unilling to take on any responsibility or even to get involved. He is not FC. She was aware enough to be supportive. I felt supported without her needing to take on the work. I can learn from their different ways. I want to be supportive to friends and to colleagues - always. That means not needing to do the life for them but being aware what is going on for them and what they are feeling capable of, how I might help, how they are feeling and what they might need as resource.
So for two weeks I have been standing in for PD. I don't have any official titel with this but simly asked to step up. Which I can do and in some ways emjoy the fact that I am considered competent enough to do that. I can feel my ego shudder as I say that. As if it is not OK to feel pleased to be considered competent. I feel embarrassed to let anywon know that I get a sense of pride that others, especially senior management, think I am capable. Feels as if I should do it with that not meaning anythign at all to me. Anyway, they do and I ampleased they do. There get over myself. BUT I do it, without any extra pay (at this time, as I am trying to set up my apparaisal and will bring this to the meeting). This last two weeks has been a lot of hard work. I am not sure if it's harder work to me than PD. Perhaps he is far more confident and capable so the issues needing dealing with are less of a stress for him. My role has included selling really. I never consider myself a good salesperson but with the referrals I was able to respond to them. Despite my fear of those meetings with people I was able to do it - a mix of being able to hear very sad and difficult life stories and hear desperate situations. People wanting their life to be different but not how to change it. Then the moey issue - agh! How hard it is for me to deal with this. If I could of course I would give them allf ree treatment. The good thing is I truly believe in our programme and know we can help. There was not one person who I didn;t think had addiction running through their veins and knew that if they want our help we can help them. So I had no doubts about that - oh apart from one person. Bulimic and know that our hospital is not geard up to the montiroing that is required. Hwoever I also knew that as a team and if she really wanted to stop as she said she did at that time we could wok nwith her. She didn;t come in so maybe that little edge of doubt got transferred in an unconsciou manner. She spoke t someone in the management tream bya ccident and explained what a great experience she had had meeting me and how she had realised that she wanted to try some other things. I laughed as this was the second person in a week who had come along and felt self efficacy as a result of our talk and wanted to go out and do something about their situation. So anyway generally I am pleased to say that feedback from a couple of assessments I undertook was that they were really amazed at how helpful the time with me had been. I think they will be back. At least they know about us now and know we can help if they want it.
Where was I - this was not the point. The point is that I have had a lot of work to do taking on PD's role. As numbers were so low we were not able to recruit someone to stand in for me. Usually we would have a sessional worker to cover the therpay work. BUT NO! NL is trying to cut this cost. So I was doing PD's work and trying to bolster up the therapy work too with two colleagues who were really trying to cover the bases. Although actually I had to deal with staff issues too. SH was different that her normal mode. She has been gradually working down towards her holiday but I have noticed a change in her desire to work for probably a month or more now. And this last two weeks she has needed to do more yet really wanting to do less and less. So I needed to find ways to motivate her and deal with a certain attitude that was not clear. She at times wanted to pikc gripes with me or AW or management. She seems aggressive and snipey. So another layer of management. We had supervision and as a working colleague I was able to express somewhat my sense that her work ethic had altered. This after she raised an issue actually. It's good to work in a team with the means to sit and have very open professionalism. Sort of professional therapy groups. Thank goodness. Everyone should have it. Even then it can be difficult.
This is all really way off the point but actually good to get down as a realisiation of the many things that take place that contribute to the job being demanding and at times very stressful.
So we had low numbers. SH spoke about how this had started her worrying. She was feeling unsafe. Not knowing really what the line of responsibility there was - I was standing in but without formal responsibility, low numbers etc etc. And also vry tired. She has become quite flippant and her micky taking at times wuite sharp and cruel. For me too it's difficult trying to be just one of the team but aslo needing to be responsible. Wow lots of shifting dynamics and individual fears etc. I do find it difficult being one of the team but then needing to maintain disciplines and boundaries especially when on person is really wanting to push them but I have no rights as such to bring back into tow.
Then clients pushing bousndaries and needing to maintain those without being punishing. And still being deeply involved in the therapy so the transference and counter-transference etc etc. Whilst also trying to desperately keep a group size together. Every enquiry mattered so it was a stress to balance trying to get people in with their real need and their resistance of coruse.
PD returns to a group - tra-la -la.
Now the anger! Eventually getting there and I can feel my levels diminishing as I see my part in it.
Actually I just want to go back to SH and say how annoying her attitude was at times and also how hurtful some of her micky taking was. I remember feeling sensitive to such ways when I was younger and not knowing how to deal with it, wondering why people would be so cruel. Ir eally can remember various times in my childhood encountering that sort of nastiness and being surprised. The first was when I was about 4 years old. A girl called Carol Corny made friends with my little friend and she was really quite nasty to me. She called me names and excluded me. Then she stole some of my dolls clothes. I knew she had. I can remember doing nothing about al this but inside wondering how and why she was so unkind to me? And tehre are a number of times through my childhood that can remember feelign the same. And I felt this with SH pver this last month. I wondered if there is something I have done. I have witnessed her being very odd about others in the hospital and it was OK somehow for me as it wasn't directed at me but inside I have done that same questioning . And omewhat relieved on those occassions to be on the side of being liked. I have even suported the behaviour and attitude simply in my relief but actually not believing in it.
Yes lots of growing awareness with SH. She has flirted with me and intrigued even and I have responded in some ways - no interest really but fun in the flirt. This started since JH and I have ended in our love affair.
Anger - will need to write more later following a looooooooooooooooooong telephone conversation with AM. And need to get going now.
It was useful talking to her about the degress of anger I have felt at the fact that I choose to give of myself - all my responsibiliyt But then the company don;t acknowledge it at all. They don;t recognise good stuff when its there and stick rigidly to what are absolutely hideous and at times ridiculous working conditiobns. For instance I know PD valiues the extra I give because he will say take a half day off for something important and no recourse. Whereas this SMT stick absoultely to the rules no extras no nothing. Which then I get fed up with my work ethic. When I do something I put everythig and a little bit more into it. And I know that doesn;t mean I do it right or better or anything liek that. I may not even do it the way they want but i give more. It woulod just be nice to have that acknowledged instead of more and more being taken away to the point where I need to leave.
So I am getting some clarity on the things that I would oike to say in my appraisal and to the SMT. I can set aside the anger somewhat the moer I talk about and act with calm. And it's great to be able to share the anger with people who I can be safe with that anger and not be told that anger is a bad thing. So many people have a lot of anger that manifests in so many passive ways or externalised in verbal aggression physical aggression etc. Because simply there has been no teaching about anger being a eprfectly acceptabel human emotin that has incredible uses. For instance anger as a nation has resulted in a change of things in Egypt. I also see how the extent of the anger is so destructive when people have burnt themselves to death. Vile. And the anger I fel about injustoces such as the Holocaust. Lest I forget. It's healthy to feel anger about this to contribute against it being able to happen again.
Blah blah blah.
I have felt on many occassions a prejudice against anger from him. That to be an OK person one has not to feel angry. But in my opinion and with psychology behind my awareness I think this is misinformation from generations. When I spoke to the senior Buddhist monk, my friend the nun and read the Dalai Lama and other seemingly calm and content and peaceful people they acknowledge anger and it's in the acknowledgement and awareness and appropraite expulsion of anger that the best way fporward beccomes appropriate.
I am at last beginning to get in touch with and accept anger. I have had things happen in my childhood that have taught me that anger is not permitted and yet things that happened are the cause of feelings of rage. Indeed things on a daily basis hapen that cause anger.
IT'S OK!!! Now it's about expressing it with the people that are safe with anger and don;t asmonish for something that is perfectly OK. And then I can feel the peace behind the anger. It's working and it's wonderful.
I am so so so so so very very relieved that I have found a meeting that seems to me to be very good indeed and so local. At last - what I have been hoping for.
Now just for some healing from the longing in my heart. God I am trying to trust you.
Have you ever wondered, Bliss, why most people have less trouble with walking and not falling down, talking and making perfect sense, and breathing without stop, than they do with dieting, finding love, or getting rich?
Of course not, but it wouldn't be a bad idea.
It's because with walking, talking, and breathing (which, incidentally, are infinitely more complex than the latter), they engage the magic with intent and expectation, twitch a few general muscles to get things started, and then, with faith, they turn the rest over to me.
In the second group, they try to do it all themselves.
I rock like that,
The Universe
