Everything to write about and no words to say it ....
I am very very tired. I am not very able to deal with life on life's terms. I wish I were a better, stronger, more capable person.
Why is it so damned difficult - murders, rapes, child abuse, abandonment, torture, war. People! Cruel, selfish, greedy, oh I can't even be bothered to go on.
Then I meet someone I enjoy being with. Share some interestes and inspires my curiosity. I like to be curious and discover and enjoy learning from others ....
BUT
Man! I am not good at relating with people. He is the way he is. His circumstances are what they are.
I think though it is not OK for me to be with someone who at given the right circumstances would return to his estranged wife.
That surely isn't a good position for me to be in. Sadly I wasn't able to trust JH easily from very early on. He found it difficult to be honest with me and others about what his position with various women.
Oh I can relate to not wanting to tell the entire truth incase someone else disapproves and they reject me for some reason. The irony is that the secrecy and lies are worse! Ha. How I have upset my parents and friends at times by being secretive and dishonest. And yes they may not have liked my behaviour or choices etc etc but the deceit is a deeper wound. I learnt this within my family dymanics - wow my dad was the biggest liar I have ever met. Scared of being discovered as inadequate I believe. And then lying becomes a way of being - compulsive. Loss of self completely. Pathological.
Anyway this is not about that at all.
When I learnt that JH feels that he still has some emotional attachment despite his intellectual knowledge of his seperation from his wife, it damned well hurts.
I sensed something - first thought is it's me and don't be stupid. Then detect a change in the air and just little behavioural changes. Oh shit I can't be bothered to write it all.
I flipping well hurt like hell. The pain keeps rising from my heart into my throat and then spreads throughout my body.
I have no idea how to accept things as they are .... it's just not OK for me.
Yes I can accpet getting to know each other gradually and taking things over time - his children etc etc. But toing and froing of emotions attached to other women especially his estranged wife - well I seem unable to deal with that - maybe someone else would be able to - If only he were truly emotionally available.
The decefit earlier on in our relationship does not leave me feeling strong to be able to work through the ups and downs of this deeper motional shfting. He says it ebbs and flows , comes and goes - when it is strong in him it hurts me like hell. Why wouldn't he be attached? And there is no time period for a person to let go. But he is not ready it seems to make break away changes. He is still emotionally invested and uncertain even what would happen if his wife suddenly wanted him back.
I am unable to deal with that - it feels like a noose around my neck and at any time but I will never know when, maybe never, the chair will be kicked away.
It would be easiest to stop allowing people into my life. Just become an observer from a distance - no more participating.
To be honest God I have no flipping idea. The pain is fierce. I miss him already.
I keep thinking of the things I am losing ....... my love, an intimate friendship, a person who I can allow into the inner recesses (but who is not available to do so). POO!
