Barnett Newman
Irving Penn photographing Barnett Newman
Pablo Picasso
Irving Penn photographing Barnett Newman
Pablo Picasso
Friday 10 December 2010
Divine intervention
OK. OK. I confess.
No matter what you're after in life, Bliss, getting what you want always boils down to at least a little bit of divine intervention.
But then, I'm talking about yours, not mine.
Bada-boom,
The Universe
Mmmm Universe what I want is ................................
wisdom, contentment, stability, security, spontaneity, humour, honesty, openness, commitment, consistency (same as stability - perhaps not), creativity, time for everything and a bit more, fun, adventure, peace, serenity, love, friendship, companionship, caring, empathy, respect, health, fresh air, emotional intelligence, ease, uhm there will be more that you can be sure of
Bliss
XX
No matter what you're after in life, Bliss, getting what you want always boils down to at least a little bit of divine intervention.
But then, I'm talking about yours, not mine.
Bada-boom,
The Universe
Mmmm Universe what I want is ................................
wisdom, contentment, stability, security, spontaneity, humour, honesty, openness, commitment, consistency (same as stability - perhaps not), creativity, time for everything and a bit more, fun, adventure, peace, serenity, love, friendship, companionship, caring, empathy, respect, health, fresh air, emotional intelligence, ease, uhm there will be more that you can be sure of
Bliss
XX
Photographers
Tom Hunter.I asked a photographer friend about some other photographers that she might like - took a look and found others I liked aswell .......
I love Anthony Luvera's project on assisted self portraits. Wow. http://www.luvera.com/
Charmaine's pictures and Piers. Yes love the concept.
Irving Penn - woweeeee
Taken by the set up - all three have to be seen together.
Yup Irving Penn - definitely a favourite. http://www.google.co.uk/images?q=irving+penn&rls=com.microsoft:en-gb:IE-Address&oe=UTF-8&rlz=1I7SKPB&redir_esc=&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=pGgCTfL3NIjsOc-xhacB&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CCsQsAQwAA&biw=1259&bih=606
And these - well Roger Ballen
http://www.google.co.uk/images?q=roger+ballen&rls=com.microsoft:en-gb:IE-Address&oe=UTF-8&rlz=1I7SKPB&redir_esc=&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=6WkCTYPgDIjsOdGxhacB&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CCkQsAQwAA&biw=1259&bih=606
Robert and Shana ParkeHarrison
Pieter Hugo http://www.pieterhugo.com/
Annie Mitchell - http://www.anniemitchell.co.uk/index.htm
Andy Sewell
http://www.andysewell.com/
Bliss
xx
Joel Sternfeld
Sally Mann
Tom Hunter
William Eggleston
Melanie Friend
Anthony Luvera
Martha Rosla
Moria Ricci
Rober & Shana ParkeHarrison
Pieter Hugo
The question?
Ask your question, Bliss. Feel the answer.
Ask, feel. Ask, feel. Ask, feel.
OK?
The Universe
The difficulty is I have so many questions -
Universe why do bad things happen to the innocent? Why do good people get hurt by bad people?
So perhaps this girl was not given the lessons in her childhood that equipped her to say NO to being bullied by a man. Perhaps in her family it was never necessary. Now this girl is tainted for the rest of her life. And her miracle baby too will have experienced the trauma of her mum. Thank goodness Universe she promised someone she would seek someone out whilst at my workplace yesterday. I am carrying the feelings as a result but I can talk them out. I hope that as a result of talking she will continue.
But my question is why in the first place? People talk ab out choices and paths - so her choice was not to say no, to be completely sucked in by this man who has a previous record of similar attitude. Universe I don;t get it?
I no longer blame YOU directly whoever YOU are. People, it's people, their lives, their own influences from way, way back. People tend to give little credence to childhood influences, certainly Western world beliefs seems to focus on how we encourage Independence. That is valued so highly. It seems to me that as a result people do not want their childhood to have been such an influence, therefore deny it. And then cannot separate out what is learned or influenced choices.
And so there is no communal responsibility - thank goodness for an increasing sense of responsibility for children's welfare in this country. A growing influence on people that we are all responsible for a child's safety.
It is scary nonetheless. Even within the capacity of work, I have now several times been challenged with the dilemma of reporting situations that seem to be harmful for a baby but of course with the fear that the baby will be removed from the good elements like the mother or the love. Sometimes its just been complete inability and not a desire to neglect or harm. Or in some cases the one parent is so fearful but cannot find the way to get away from the partner who is harmful. My fear is that the baby will lose the love of its own mother - this can be just as abusive.
Its not an easy call to make.
I carry this fear but also fear for safety right now. I want to protect. I want assurance that everything is OK.
So Universe, please please can you look after these people I am referring to. And suddenly faces are flashing through my mind of people I have encountered that I know have difficulties. Universe please take care of them all and please can you bring safety and security to them in their lives just as soon as possible.
Little HB, big HB, SW, oh well you can surely all the faces I see and a million more - all those women in Africa,
Sometimes it overwhelms me all the suffering and I wonder what the point of it all truly is. Suffering according to Buddhism is necessary to understand and grow through - one of the 4 noble truths! Attachment. No more suffering. And the last one ??????
The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
1. Life means suffering.
To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. During our lifetime, we inevitably have to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a "self" which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call "self" is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The cessation of suffering can be attained through Nirodha. Nirodha means the unmaking of sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment. This means that suffering can be overcome through human activity, simply by removing the cause of suffering. Attaining and perfecting dispassion is a process of many levels that ultimately results in the state of Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. Nirvana is not comprehensible for those who have not attained it.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
There is a path to the end of suffering - a gradual path of self-improvement, which is described more detailed in the Eightfold Path. It is the middle way between the two extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification (asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The latter quality discerns it from other paths which are merely "wandering on the wheel of becoming", because these do not have a final object. The path to the end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path.
So in Buddhism Nirvana is a journey through suffering. Certainly the book Siddhartha was a recount of a journey that involved much of this. Even temptation and decadence, eventually finding Nirvana at the river. And then death.
Universe really??? Is this the point.
So The Tao - it's just the way things are - is that it?
If we understand, at the very deep level of our awareness, that the flow of time is a psychological event, and how we experience time is up to us, then just that insight, just that knowledge can cause a mutation in our awareness. And when that change occurs in our awareness, the body responds.
On the other hand according to the Tao of Winnie the Pooh: Tao (pronounced Dow) means The Way (to happiness). This sounds very nice, but what is the Way?
A clever mind is not a heart.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet. "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."
There is more to knowing than just being correct.
"Lot's of people talk to animals," said Pooh.
"Maybe, but..."
"Not very many listen, though," he said.
"That's the problem," he added.
Mmmmmm -
Lines Written by a Bear of "Very Little Brain":
On monday, when the sun is hot I wonder to myself allot:
"Now is it true, or is it not
That what is which and which is what?"
On tuesday, when it hails and snows,
The feeling on me grows and grows
That hardly anybody knows,
If those are these or these are those.
On wednesday, when the sky is blue,
And I have nothing else to do,
I sometimes wonder if it's true
That who is what and what is who.
On thursday, when it starts to freeze,
And hoar-frost twinkles on the trees,
How very readily one sees
That these are whose-but whose are these?
(A. A. Milne The World of Pooh)
When asked for a further explanation,
"How would you explain it Pooh?"
With a song, a little something I just made up."
How can you get very far if you don't know who you are?
How can you do what you ought if you don't know what you have got?
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you will have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who
That's it, he said leaning back and closing his eyes.
Universe I have another question - why do I sense something different very recently with JH - since I told him I truly love him. Since I opened my heart again to him something seems different. Also when I said he would have to come here. I know he is unwell but he was unwell before. When I was less open with my heart he was still very present. Since the last few days he has been withdrawing. I asked him and he withdrew more last evening.
I was angry the evening before. Perhaps JH isn't a person able to allow anothers feelings. It seems that he is only comfortable if things are all happy. Which in reality means ignoring when things aren't. Everything has to be smoothed out for the majority. That's what we are educated in as children. There, there, everything is OK. And then I see the fucked upness on a daily basis of people who are squashed by this. For some I guess it never really causes great dissatisfaction - they come to accept that and live their lives just trying to keep everything tickety boo. But my how an entire part of them is suppressed. Not allowed to be wholesome - the full range of human feelings. How on earth can be learn how to be angry appropriately if everything is done to squash it. Learn how to be angry or sad or happy and joyous and fearful. Learn how to face the full gambit of human feeling sand there will be less repression and less jealousy and less destruction in the world.
Churches, belief systems all spout the same in different ways. But then human ego gets in the way of the teachers and the students. Students put people on pedestals and teachers begin to believe their own press.
Oh Universe please keep me from ego .......
So Universe what is this between JH and I. Is he not wanting someone like me? Is this the question he is asking himself. He says he loves me but how does he love me. Loves me as an individual human being who is lovable like everyone else. But not loves me for him as in us.
There is a distinct difference. He keeps meeting people he loves but then discovers he doesn't love them for him because he finds out things that he doesn't like and are more significant than the things he does.
Its odd how I feel a withdrawal in the recent days - what is this is my question? Well just one of my questions.
I the get a feeling of run before I get hurt again. I committed not to run and be able to resolve rather than run. Resolve - how do I resolve Universe?
Another question Universe.......
What is the point? Trying to feel - ask again what is the point? Feeling....... ?????????
Another question Universe.......
Oh yes - do I go to the USA with JH or should I not and then be not owing? Funny thing is that if I feel a withdrawal by JH then why would he still want me to go.
Is he having the trouble he has of ending things - is this now a trouble with me he has?
I would love to go. I love travelling and visiting and experiencing new things. I like JH's company and his sense of adventure. I would love to go.
Can I get together enough money by then? JH has offered to support me with the money - should I accept?
Another question Universe ......
Oh never mind
Bliss
XX
From here on is private not meant to be read by JH ..................REALLY!!!
Oh - last evenign JH said that his insecurities are heightened. He hasn;t really clearlye xplained what that means. He talks about wanting us to be having nice times together. Perhaps he means what he has referred to before that he is just learning things now and I think he implied that he feels somehow incapable or unable or something - I would like to know and understand. I interpret this as not being able to say how I am thinking and feeling. That if I do he thinks I am criticising him.
I jjust want a relationship with someone who can be open and honest. ANd if there are thigns going on that neither of us are happy about then if we respect each other enought to be able to talk about things opnely then we will discover whether we can get appreciate each other for who we are.
Maybe that's simply it. JH doesn't want to be with someone who questions feelings and doesn;t always stick with all thats suposedly happy. Maybe JH is always seeing gthe happy and doesn't feel anger or ssadnesas at all. It isn;t my experience of him but maybe he just prefers not to look at these thigns and is happy with that.
That is OK but of course then there is an ill-fitting between us.
Sometimes I feel I have to write all this and hope he reads it thoroughly ebcause we are not allowed to talk about things so often or long or go over things.
JH doesn;t like it I don;t think that re-bulilding trust takes time. It means he has to keep looking at how he has behaved. I hate having to look at my shortcomings but unless I do I don;t change. And if there are thigns I don;t want to change then I will deny it and carry on. But mainly I do want to change.
So I have to grit my teeth and face things with friends over and over again. They will still be hurting about thgns so why should they not have the right if we are to go forward to air things. I don;t like it but I know it's a part of their healing.
Maybe too JH heals quicker - let's go quicker. Lucky him. I hope it;s not suppression ratehr than proper healing.
Then of course I feel guilty and wrong for being the way I am
THIS IS ME. I AM A REFLECTION OF YOU! ASWELL AS MYSELF OF COURSE.
If only we were all good at fully taking responsibility - not balming or running. Then we would all resolve thigns just when they are resolved and all be OK with each other,.
No wars.
I am rambling this all out because I need to.
I feel very sad and down these last few days.
I really do.#I have even wondered what is the point and considered getting off the planet.
Forst time I have openly said that.
Well if anythign will make JH realise he does';t want to be with me that will surely.
The truth is that I do get low in mood from time to time. JH this is a part of me. Don't analyse me, don;t try to be a psychiatrist. Don;t fucking diagnose me with people who are armchair psychologists. Recovery does not give the right to analyse anyone else.
Yes talk about how you peronsally feel. It is very different - feelings are different from thoughts. Analysis is paralysis!
Ask, feel. Ask, feel. Ask, feel.
OK?
The Universe
The difficulty is I have so many questions -
Universe why do bad things happen to the innocent? Why do good people get hurt by bad people?
So perhaps this girl was not given the lessons in her childhood that equipped her to say NO to being bullied by a man. Perhaps in her family it was never necessary. Now this girl is tainted for the rest of her life. And her miracle baby too will have experienced the trauma of her mum. Thank goodness Universe she promised someone she would seek someone out whilst at my workplace yesterday. I am carrying the feelings as a result but I can talk them out. I hope that as a result of talking she will continue.
But my question is why in the first place? People talk ab out choices and paths - so her choice was not to say no, to be completely sucked in by this man who has a previous record of similar attitude. Universe I don;t get it?
I no longer blame YOU directly whoever YOU are. People, it's people, their lives, their own influences from way, way back. People tend to give little credence to childhood influences, certainly Western world beliefs seems to focus on how we encourage Independence. That is valued so highly. It seems to me that as a result people do not want their childhood to have been such an influence, therefore deny it. And then cannot separate out what is learned or influenced choices.
And so there is no communal responsibility - thank goodness for an increasing sense of responsibility for children's welfare in this country. A growing influence on people that we are all responsible for a child's safety.
It is scary nonetheless. Even within the capacity of work, I have now several times been challenged with the dilemma of reporting situations that seem to be harmful for a baby but of course with the fear that the baby will be removed from the good elements like the mother or the love. Sometimes its just been complete inability and not a desire to neglect or harm. Or in some cases the one parent is so fearful but cannot find the way to get away from the partner who is harmful. My fear is that the baby will lose the love of its own mother - this can be just as abusive.
Its not an easy call to make.
I carry this fear but also fear for safety right now. I want to protect. I want assurance that everything is OK.
So Universe, please please can you look after these people I am referring to. And suddenly faces are flashing through my mind of people I have encountered that I know have difficulties. Universe please take care of them all and please can you bring safety and security to them in their lives just as soon as possible.
Little HB, big HB, SW, oh well you can surely all the faces I see and a million more - all those women in Africa,
Sometimes it overwhelms me all the suffering and I wonder what the point of it all truly is. Suffering according to Buddhism is necessary to understand and grow through - one of the 4 noble truths! Attachment. No more suffering. And the last one ??????
The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
1. Life means suffering.
To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. During our lifetime, we inevitably have to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a "self" which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call "self" is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The cessation of suffering can be attained through Nirodha. Nirodha means the unmaking of sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment. This means that suffering can be overcome through human activity, simply by removing the cause of suffering. Attaining and perfecting dispassion is a process of many levels that ultimately results in the state of Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. Nirvana is not comprehensible for those who have not attained it.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
There is a path to the end of suffering - a gradual path of self-improvement, which is described more detailed in the Eightfold Path. It is the middle way between the two extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification (asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The latter quality discerns it from other paths which are merely "wandering on the wheel of becoming", because these do not have a final object. The path to the end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path.
So in Buddhism Nirvana is a journey through suffering. Certainly the book Siddhartha was a recount of a journey that involved much of this. Even temptation and decadence, eventually finding Nirvana at the river. And then death.
Universe really??? Is this the point.
So The Tao - it's just the way things are - is that it?
If we understand, at the very deep level of our awareness, that the flow of time is a psychological event, and how we experience time is up to us, then just that insight, just that knowledge can cause a mutation in our awareness. And when that change occurs in our awareness, the body responds.
On the other hand according to the Tao of Winnie the Pooh: Tao (pronounced Dow) means The Way (to happiness). This sounds very nice, but what is the Way?
A clever mind is not a heart.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet. "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."
There is more to knowing than just being correct.
"Lot's of people talk to animals," said Pooh.
"Maybe, but..."
"Not very many listen, though," he said.
"That's the problem," he added.
Mmmmmm -
Lines Written by a Bear of "Very Little Brain":
On monday, when the sun is hot I wonder to myself allot:
"Now is it true, or is it not
That what is which and which is what?"
On tuesday, when it hails and snows,
The feeling on me grows and grows
That hardly anybody knows,
If those are these or these are those.
On wednesday, when the sky is blue,
And I have nothing else to do,
I sometimes wonder if it's true
That who is what and what is who.
On thursday, when it starts to freeze,
And hoar-frost twinkles on the trees,
How very readily one sees
That these are whose-but whose are these?
(A. A. Milne The World of Pooh)
When asked for a further explanation,
"How would you explain it Pooh?"
With a song, a little something I just made up."
How can you get very far if you don't know who you are?
How can you do what you ought if you don't know what you have got?
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you will have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who
That's it, he said leaning back and closing his eyes.
Universe I have another question - why do I sense something different very recently with JH - since I told him I truly love him. Since I opened my heart again to him something seems different. Also when I said he would have to come here. I know he is unwell but he was unwell before. When I was less open with my heart he was still very present. Since the last few days he has been withdrawing. I asked him and he withdrew more last evening.
I was angry the evening before. Perhaps JH isn't a person able to allow anothers feelings. It seems that he is only comfortable if things are all happy. Which in reality means ignoring when things aren't. Everything has to be smoothed out for the majority. That's what we are educated in as children. There, there, everything is OK. And then I see the fucked upness on a daily basis of people who are squashed by this. For some I guess it never really causes great dissatisfaction - they come to accept that and live their lives just trying to keep everything tickety boo. But my how an entire part of them is suppressed. Not allowed to be wholesome - the full range of human feelings. How on earth can be learn how to be angry appropriately if everything is done to squash it. Learn how to be angry or sad or happy and joyous and fearful. Learn how to face the full gambit of human feeling sand there will be less repression and less jealousy and less destruction in the world.
Churches, belief systems all spout the same in different ways. But then human ego gets in the way of the teachers and the students. Students put people on pedestals and teachers begin to believe their own press.
Oh Universe please keep me from ego .......
So Universe what is this between JH and I. Is he not wanting someone like me? Is this the question he is asking himself. He says he loves me but how does he love me. Loves me as an individual human being who is lovable like everyone else. But not loves me for him as in us.
There is a distinct difference. He keeps meeting people he loves but then discovers he doesn't love them for him because he finds out things that he doesn't like and are more significant than the things he does.
Its odd how I feel a withdrawal in the recent days - what is this is my question? Well just one of my questions.
I the get a feeling of run before I get hurt again. I committed not to run and be able to resolve rather than run. Resolve - how do I resolve Universe?
Another question Universe.......
What is the point? Trying to feel - ask again what is the point? Feeling....... ?????????
Another question Universe.......
Oh yes - do I go to the USA with JH or should I not and then be not owing? Funny thing is that if I feel a withdrawal by JH then why would he still want me to go.
Is he having the trouble he has of ending things - is this now a trouble with me he has?
I would love to go. I love travelling and visiting and experiencing new things. I like JH's company and his sense of adventure. I would love to go.
Can I get together enough money by then? JH has offered to support me with the money - should I accept?
Another question Universe ......
Oh never mind
Bliss
XX
From here on is private not meant to be read by JH ..................REALLY!!!
Oh - last evenign JH said that his insecurities are heightened. He hasn;t really clearlye xplained what that means. He talks about wanting us to be having nice times together. Perhaps he means what he has referred to before that he is just learning things now and I think he implied that he feels somehow incapable or unable or something - I would like to know and understand. I interpret this as not being able to say how I am thinking and feeling. That if I do he thinks I am criticising him.
I jjust want a relationship with someone who can be open and honest. ANd if there are thigns going on that neither of us are happy about then if we respect each other enought to be able to talk about things opnely then we will discover whether we can get appreciate each other for who we are.
Maybe that's simply it. JH doesn't want to be with someone who questions feelings and doesn;t always stick with all thats suposedly happy. Maybe JH is always seeing gthe happy and doesn't feel anger or ssadnesas at all. It isn;t my experience of him but maybe he just prefers not to look at these thigns and is happy with that.
That is OK but of course then there is an ill-fitting between us.
Sometimes I feel I have to write all this and hope he reads it thoroughly ebcause we are not allowed to talk about things so often or long or go over things.
JH doesn;t like it I don;t think that re-bulilding trust takes time. It means he has to keep looking at how he has behaved. I hate having to look at my shortcomings but unless I do I don;t change. And if there are thigns I don;t want to change then I will deny it and carry on. But mainly I do want to change.
So I have to grit my teeth and face things with friends over and over again. They will still be hurting about thgns so why should they not have the right if we are to go forward to air things. I don;t like it but I know it's a part of their healing.
Maybe too JH heals quicker - let's go quicker. Lucky him. I hope it;s not suppression ratehr than proper healing.
Then of course I feel guilty and wrong for being the way I am
THIS IS ME. I AM A REFLECTION OF YOU! ASWELL AS MYSELF OF COURSE.
If only we were all good at fully taking responsibility - not balming or running. Then we would all resolve thigns just when they are resolved and all be OK with each other,.
No wars.
I am rambling this all out because I need to.
I feel very sad and down these last few days.
I really do.#I have even wondered what is the point and considered getting off the planet.
Forst time I have openly said that.
Well if anythign will make JH realise he does';t want to be with me that will surely.
The truth is that I do get low in mood from time to time. JH this is a part of me. Don't analyse me, don;t try to be a psychiatrist. Don;t fucking diagnose me with people who are armchair psychologists. Recovery does not give the right to analyse anyone else.
Yes talk about how you peronsally feel. It is very different - feelings are different from thoughts. Analysis is paralysis!
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