Do you really need someone else's permission, acceptance, wink, or nod, Bliss, or are you ready to give these to yourself, now?
I say, "Ready. Now."
The Universe
It seems difficult to give myself permission for anything. Especially to love myself and do nice things for myself. I rarely do that. And just this last day, encouraged by a good friend, I have done some things that are being kind to me.
I feel sad that everything has seemed so negative for quite some time. I hope for this to change. I know that I can get into this spin but generally I can be a very uplifted and hopeful person. I really have been destroyed by the events that surrounded JH and I. By that I am not blaming, but once again it shows me how that I need to be very careful with getting involved in a relationship. With things becoming so involved and then difficult, I spiralled quickly. It's such a pull loving so many things about a person and encountering what to me was unhealthy behaviour on JH's part with regard to women. He would see that differently I am sure.
I am sure even Blog is bored with this. But I need to keep writing out my thoughts. I even thnk I am wrong writing my thoughts because I will be judged. But this is how deeply I allowed him into my soul and so the working out of my soul is long and slow. Some day it would be possible to hear different points of view I suppose. The thing is right now I don;t think JH knows himself well enough around this stuff to be able to have a real frank and open conversation about it because he defends and blames. That is finger pointing on my behalf but even in his reply to my last email there was finger pointing. What I need to do is keep the focus on me.
I felt insecure when I thought I sensed JH's attentions elsewhere. And insecurity is on the continuum of fear and my fear turned into depseration and my despeeration turned into anger.
I thought I could sense lies and distance at different times with JH - and then discovered things like him telling me he was doing one thing and actually he was doing another - like SL. I am uncertain whether he ever really did have time without contact with ES. Then there were the confusing and conflicting things he told me when we were first talking and how those things changed later on when we were together. There was all the confliction when ES was visiting and yet he was telling me he wanted only a monogamous relationship - this was in response to me saying that that was the only type of girlfriend boyfriend relationship I wanted. At that time I was still OK with simply being his slave. I am repeating myself I know. All these thigns though are not critcism of him. It's how he is or was at least. What it did though was raise an insecurity in me and a real dislike of the lies or untruths or whatever one would like to call them to soften the realilty.
And the reality for me is that I do not want to be with someone who isn't straight forward in this. Then and only then is it truly possible for me to enjoy all the other things that I cannot seem to let go of with JH. The moments enjoying art together, the discsussions, the walks, the togetherness in those times. They were so very wonderful that I was overlooking the other things that were not OK and instead of just saying bye I kept trying to point it out so that they could be changed by JH. But perhaps he simply likes being that way and is safer or happier like that. Whatever it was not OK for me.
A man having female friends is not a problem. But really the way JH was was not what I would call friendship. I would not want to be behaving like that with men friends of mine and saying that I was in a monogamous relationship. I then tell myself that if there is a woman who is comfortable with that then maybe I am wrong. But what I have to do to give myself permission to love me, is accept that it's not OK for me.
Some day JH would be a good friend to have for the things that are wonderful about him. I would not want to be in a relationship where I am always uncertain and that leaves me feeling unloved.
If I told all this to JH he would thnk I am pointing the finger at him being bad! I am not at all. I am writing about what is OK or not for me as a person to be in a loving relationship with someone. I am sorry that I didn;t take care of myself sooner. If I had then maybe it would have been possible to move into friendship earlier and put aside the desire for the companionship and not least of all the sex between us too. It was very very good for me and I do miss that degree of intimacy. I feel jealous that he will have that with someone else. But once again it was sex - there was a real deepness to the sex but intimacy comes with trust and closeness and honesty and without those things some of the loving is missing. Then I can interpret it as just a way of having some sexual fun and that leaves me feeling disgusted because for me I was giving all of me but think that he was just having some fun. He would say no I know. But once again it is not about what he thinks. To be having such sexual intimacy for me it starts with all the other things. And I kept telling myself to believe him, giving more of me, telling myself it was I that was in the wrong about all the other things. But, by denying myself the truth that I saw and felt in me, I leave myself feeling disgusted. Not paying attention to my real deep needs and wants.
It is not he who took anything, it is me who gave everything without taking care of myself.
At the time of each sexual moment it felt so good, so truly loving and I felt sexually like I have never felt before. If only that could have been with true loving as well in all the other areas. Well it surely can be possible.
I have been starting to do some healthy things for myself. And you know what? I do feel just a little bit better - yay hay! But I have to commit to this for a lifetime on a day to day basis in the same way I have to abstinence from substances. And I rarely do that. I use food as a comforter or as a control. Too much for comfort and too little to take back control. Weight loss 1.5kg - Day 1.
Well this is day 2 of the first 4 radical days. All proteins apart from a dessert spoon of wheat bran and oat bran muffins with lunch.The all protein meal last night was too rich for me I think. I felt a little icky all night.
Also I am drinking less coffee and more teas and water.
After these first 4 days I have 137 days of eating protein and vegetables plus the wheat bran and oat bran.
So by August I should be seeing the vast difference.
And then the consolidation period - 195 days - but I have forgotten what that actually consists of.
I also need to commit to every Thursday being an all protein day. Just one day a week.
Now this seems radical to me - no carbohydrates forever!! No sweet things forever!!
I need to read more about this.
I do think sugar can be a trigger food for me and also white flour.
BUT all this is well and good - when the menopausal shift takes place there is an insatiable desire for more!!
I hate it.
Well the good thing is that in just 1 day there is already a difference. So for the time being I can commit to this for today. I will exercise this afternoon with a lovely sea walk and the LouLou will of course love that.
Now I need to get on with writing 701 words about the human and reptile brainstem. Yup! Still there.
Bound to back.
Bliss
XX
