Frazzling nerves and endings

4 am. Bloody hell! A tummy ache, dizziness and nerve frazzles. That's the only way I know ow to describe them. I have been wondering if it's another hormonal "phase". I've had backache for 2 weeks now. All the de-stressing hasn't made it go away. Pilates seems to help a little but it's still there niggling away. And I was really, really sweaty with damp patches showing on my dress yesterday. Now albeit the day was extremely humid and probably even the newer, thinner, fitter, full of healthy foods me wouldn't avoid a glow. But somehow I have a real sense that there is another hormonal manoeuvre going on.
I didn't even want to go for a wee as is the usual these days. Gosh! How I used to vaguely listen to the elders talking about these sort of things. I know it was real for them but I never imagined it was real for women in general. But here it is a part of my reality now. Fuzzy eyesight and fuzzying even more, especially in these hormonal manoeuvres, not able to sleep through until I'm supposed to wake up, aches and pains that don't go away, headaches, and a sort of irritability.
And I had a dream about G. I think about him a lot. Friends might worry that this is me thinking of getting together with him again. That I am most certainly not thinking. I have no desire nor intention. But I can't seem to get him right away from me. After the last contact I created; I sent an email from Peda. It was a link to Mumford & Sons Sigh No More, together with the lyrics.
"Sigh No More"

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

 

 

Having sent it I then did check a few times to see if he'd responded and when he didn't I left it. part of me really didn't want to send it. I knew as I did that it was not a good thing to have done. However, a week later maybe I received a text from hims asking it had been me that sent it. I left responding for a few days and then owned it. I said yes it was me and had been silly of me to send it from a friends email. I said I thought if he hadn't heard Mumford & Sons he might like them. Then I finished it saying I hope you're well.

Last Sunday I received a text in the morning asking what I was up to that day. I left it all day and responded saying I had been studying all day and was going to sleep now. I didn't and don't want to meet up with him.

I realised that the friendship I want to maintain is actually a desire for there to be no hard feelings. And that is out of my control and any attempts to try and make that the case are potential to cause more bad feeling. So it's better that time passes and then maybe someday we can be friendly. I think G is a remarkable man. Incredibly intelligent and bright. A memory for information that is so interesting. He has a passion in him that shows through in certain ways. He is caring and considerate in his way. I will always honour that in my heart but together it just didn't work.

I wonder why I can't clear G from my thoughts and dreams though. It's not a longing or anything simply he's there.

I wrote this morning that this is probably a part of the grieving process. Despite not wanting the relationship and being relieved that it's over there is still a part of him that will forever be in my heart and I miss the nice things and good times. I think too there is a similarity with my father. I am relieved that the relationship has ended. I couldn't make that ending whilst he was alive. I was hanging on and hanging on just in case something worked out. It never did. Right up to the end he was cutting and critical of me. That hurts less as I write it now but has been a point of real pain before now. I do miss the opportunity to have contact with him and put right some of the things of the past I know I did badly; the irresponsibility, the debts, the self-centred desire for hedonism. There were times when it was okay between my dad and I and it was those times that I clung onto in the hope that we could have the father/daughter relationship I wanted to have with him. I don;t think either of were capable. I feel sad about that. I grieve the relationship we didn't have as some say. For whatever reason it was not compatible between my father and I. I feel a concern that I am the common denominator in the many many failed relationship with men. My concern that it is not possible for the future either. But I also think that the people I've been attracted to have been incompatible and that draw has been looking for the wrong things plus not being able to like myself and look for things that I deserve

Meeting with SH and her husband today, I felt so sad for her. She sat there being criticised by her husband. He spent the entire time running her down to me as if he was the hard done by one. I thoguht SH looked so hurt and her voice was so quiet. And I know that she is used to that really. Her father was never complimentary, instead putting her down even comparing her unfavourably with the others showing his favouritism for TH and the youngest who died from a heroin overdose. How tragically sad. These put downs from childhood that influence how we feel about ourselves and in turn meaning that we continue to accept that as the norm and right yet knowing it's not true too. So confusing. Well I may be projecting myself onto SH but she did go quiet and he was relentless in a sort of jokey way, but horribly sneering and self-righteous manner.

His little boy listening is being given such a bad example and he was even implicated in it. How manipulative of L. He referred to the presents the little boy had bought SH that she had disregarded in some way or lost. How fucking mean of L.

Anyhow. I relate. And the influences from my childhood I feel sure have influenced what I have thought I wanted and needed. I do not want nor need that anymore and in beginning to like myself more I am less willing to accept what for me are crumbs. I'm not saying they are crumbs merely that for me they are.

I want to be cherished and respected. I want someone who is self respecting too and feels comfortable. Someone who is thoughtful and kind. Someone who is generous of heart, loyal and decent. Someone with humour not sarcasm nor mocking. Someone who has opinions and thought but not opinionated or closed-minded. I'd like to meet someone who is gentle and who is available emotionally, mentally and physically. Someone who puts importance of dignity both giving and being. A person who has interests that can be shared and is willing to share interests. Who is friendly and sociable, open and interested in people. Who has dealt with issues of anger and who is willing to continue working on themselves and togetherness. Someone who respects my space and has respect for their own space. Someone who is measured and balanced - at least working on it. Spirituality would be a big part to share between us - thinks such as meditation and exploration and adventure. Honest and open. Someone who turns away from temptation of women. I'd like him to be good looking and charming too but not flirtatious or beguiling except with me. Fun and creative, spirited and homely too but with a sense of the bigger world and a curiosity about cultures and everything else that is out there to discover. Musical, arty, a little fey. Willing to develop intimacy and enjoy sexual intimacy. About 6 foot something with a smile that warms my heart and smiles in his eyes. A twinkle in them just for me and one that I can reflect back just for him. Someone non-judgemental and accepting. Slim and health conscious but not obsessed. A sense of the other and willing to be playful with these things and generally playful but not childish. Responsible, accountable, flexible, dependable. Money would be nice to have.

HP please can you bring us together? If you think this is the right path for me I believe you will have already got us on the path to meet.

 

Bliss

xx

 

 

 

 

An object of serious scrutiny.

Inspired by Betty Friedan without ever having read anything or knowing of existence before Friday, I write .....

With a tone of indignancy I recounted how this older man had the audacity to rest his knee in my back. I had haughtily explained that he had been flirting prior to this. This older man, who's wife was disabled and huff and puff and more scornful examples of his bad, assumptie behaviour. As Stuart sat there listening I provided all the evidence that this man was a despicable example of men. I acknowledged that S was a man "present company excepted", I smiled. I went on, angry at men.
When I'd finished, stopping to breathe in a sort of "well?" tone of breathing. Stuart sat for a while. I anticipated his disgust towards the men I have met along my life. Then the blow I least expected. "This is something about you they respond to."
I sat there stunned. Speechless. For a very long moment I can't be sure I took in a breath.
Me? I almost said how dare you! But I was thinking rapidly. Flitting between he's right, he's wrong, he's right. Oh shit! He's right.
It's me who gives off something that men think it's okay to over step a mark.

Bliss
xx



 

Freebird tethered

Then L called. Gosh I could relate to her too. She too was worrying about her sisters state of mind, her mum's health and feeling self-centred and selfish wanting or needing emotional support from them. She is working on Step 4 on her AWOL. And to be honest I really could relate to being right in the Step 4 and everything feeling so flipping difficult. When I was working on Step 4 my dad was dying and there I was trying to look at my part in my resentment. I felt so bloody resentful and angry. Yet was giving myself such a hard time. Tying to keep the focus on me meant I was taking on EVERYTHING as my fault. I was to blame and yet I didn't feel to blame all at the same time. It was so so challenging a time for me. I think to some degree I am still stuck in step 6/7 which is when I left the AWOL because I relapsed. I hadn't really fully grasped the responsibility for the bad feeling I had caused my dad and my mum come to that. And since then it's been sinking in and feeling heavy at times. I feel awful for the irresponsibility of my decisions in the name of wanting hedonism. Hedonism came in the shape of wanting parties and men and drink and just a good time all the time. I didn't want what felt like the shackles of responsibility such as financial commitments. I thought my parents were simply boring and trying to tie down this freebird in me. Which always reminds me of the Lynnard Skynnard record and wanting to be that free spirit, drugging and slightly fey, unknown to people. Yet in my behaviours I was without any depth at all really. Of course the depth was in my desperate quest for something but didn't know what. So with that not even knowing I was looking demeanour, I became very one dimensional. How despairing my parents must have been with their strong values to build their finances and status and knowing the importance of financial security in this very demanding society and watching me time after time fritter away properties and actual cash. I was just so irresponsible. Also getting them onto bad debtors lists as I was resident in their home. My dad had a right to not want me around as I caused them trouble. And all of this was happening without them really knowing I was drinking excessively or eventually drugging and always promiscuous in my desperate bid to have someone to love me. I didn't like or love myself and felt unlovable so it was never going to fulfil me. That behaviour just got worse. In fact I see how the drink was just a reason to make my behaviour acceptable to me. I thought it was giving me courage to do that. Actually it was overriding my values so that i could behave in a way I didn't approve of. All the time blaming my dad for being so Victorian. He was strict and very judgemental but it wasn't his fault and I had values but disregarded them. They were muddled up with his dangerous messages through abuse and imposition over me.
I need to go and get ready. There is more to write but not now.
Bliss
X
 

THINK

So then my next call. This persons boyfriend returned after a week away at the The Hoffman Process. I know nothing about this although the name was familiar to me. I have had a little read.
Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction.
Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time.
Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee.
What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on.
G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed.
Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week.
T - is it TRUE?
H - is is HELPFUL?
I - is it INSPIRING?
N - is it NECESSARY?
K is it KIND?

Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged  by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think.
It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time.
So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too.

Another helpful call for me.

Bliss
x
 

Make art Not war

Someone called me this morning. She's been in fellowship since April. She sounded a little down about her food I sensed as she read it out to me. I can't even remember what it was she read to me, so I need to pay more attention before I say mmm that sounds good. Anyway I enquired how she is finding it, bearing in mind I barely know her. Although how often do we get to speak to someone twice ad quickly establish some of the difficulties from childhood. She has a very challenging relationship with her 4 year old over active mother. I could pick up the resentment. Sure enough there had been issues back in her childhood. That was the second time we'd ever spoken. Remarkable what happens in recovery. I get the sense she is the sort of person who is still needing to express her hurt and holds a lot of blame but also I detect a degree or martyrdom. I'm not her sponsor.
Anyhow when talking about her food she has a sense of deprivation and still shops regularly, particularly liking the fruit markets. She emphasised how the one thing she really misses is the fruit. Although she has previously exclaimed how the one thing she misses is her lentils and that she had been vegetarian and now struggling because her sponsor knows nothing about vegetarian foods so she is eating meat. I find that difficult actually. B had questioned my decision not to eat meat but I wasn't going to budge on that. I don't have a big issue as I eat fish.
This is a little tedious. The main point I was going to make is that then she started talking about the fruit at the market; the colours and the shapes, I suggested she might take a photo. She had. But somehow it still seemed foody to me as she had bought the fruit and taken a photo of her fruit bowl and made it her telephone saver picture. So I suggested she might take a photo of the market, capturing what she had described to me as the atmosphere that draws her to keep visiting it. Her response to that wasn't quite as enthusiastic. So I really have a strong sense she hasn't yet been freed from the food obsession. Please HP help P to be removed from the obsession. And T too.
I was reminded about the early days and wanting soup one evening. The realisation that I would NEVER be able to have soup again appalled me I was suddenly bereft. And then with a vengeance I wanted foo. As I write that, there is a visualisation of me saying "I want". Teeth gritted in determination and anger. Wanting as if I've never wanted anything so much before in my life. Wow! The power of that want. Despite myself, despite my reluctance, I called someone in FA. Probably I ranted and whined and justified why I could and would have soup, I don;t remember my end of the call in a sort of desperation blackout, I did hear her say calmly "what is it you would get from that soup?". Slowing down to think about that, I described the feeling I would have from it. There was the taste of the blended vegetables and the thickness of the consistency and from that I felt a sudden warmth, a cosiness and a comfort on this cold wet night, after a day of feeling grated against at work and it being dark and memories of feeling cosetted and looked after when I was younger with a cup of soup, my mum cooing me and the darkness and sound of rain outside in the safety and warmth of us together indoors. That's what I was needing. And she suggested that I could create that some other way than through the food. I did. I went home and put candles on creating a glow in the room. I put a film on and wrapped myself in a blanket in my jarmies. I had everything I was needing in a healthy way. Food for me is so dangerous.
I mentioned this to P and she seemed suddenly uplifted. I asked her what she wanted from the fruit. She said the sweetness and she had already mentioned the colour and the atmosphere of the market. I sensed she was wanting a vibrancy. And writing this, that figures when she was sounding so heavy, dowdy and tired on the phone. She wants to be uplifted. She needs to create something uplifting for herself somehow.

www.foodaddicts.org


Bliss
xx