God please guide me.
I have thought over my meeting with the HD (Hospital Director) F yeserday. It was good to be listened to without fighting silly corporate management event hoguh she can only advise from a silly management point of view. I knew that of her but also know that she hears an has strong boundaries that she tuns the hospital to having worked with her before.
I also know I cannot change L. It's pretty hard to pin down exact things she does as well.
For instance yesterday she was asking about a client and something I said disagreed slightly with her. Then she turned. She seemed to goad me into a discussion and it's as if she pulls the rug from under my feet suddenly and unexpectedly.
The discussion started about this clients food. He had identified a problem and asked for help rather being told. Now it seems that if anyone is making good progress with a client she wants to usurp what ever is being done I think.
Anyway so there we were talking about his food but I said that's great however what he is not addressing is his avoidance. She asked questions about this and I was explaining his patterns and suggestions which are completely out of her own experiences of change I believe. So then she started talking about this book she read recently which is actually questioning codependency as a phenomena and that people get labelled. The problem is L thinks that if we identify something we are labelling them but I think she bases this on her own way of labelling. I constantly forget this and so when we discuss something I need to not do this. She labels people with judgements. I and a few others use labels as a moving hypothesis and not a completeness of the person.
But when I use them she seems to want to argue me as being wrong. And this is what happened yesterday. I then get argumentative in the past. But remembered yesterday to simply say that sounds interesting and would love to read the book too. I suggested a couple of books that she might find interesting to enhance what she has read and get other view points.
So you see there are all these subtleties going on that I think I would find impossible to back up in a mediated meeting. I did state yesterday that in my opinion she is uncertain and at times out of her depth and I regret saying that.
But I truly believe it. It's a little like N really. Someone way out of their depth, fighting their corner by lashing out at everyone else to cover their fear. There is no way to compete against that. So I'm now not sure if mediation is correct .
What I'd like is to find a way to manage my emotional reactions, to find a way to be me regardless and be able to face the consequences (I am doing that more and more), find a way to let this go over my head and far away, find a way to be friendly, adaptable, flexible and cooperative with a smile and with ease. LET GO!
When there are ethical things for me to question like sponsoring a client, like judgements and behaviours that seem detrimental etc I can raise these issues with N and let them decide what they want to do. If I am only raising that kind of thing rather than my personal difficulties then I leave it in their hands.
As I said yesterday it could be about simply leaving my personal things at home. Get on with the job as best I can. Stand up for myself when she starts throwing things around the office or being exceptionally loud or disagreeable.
Wow if I could do all of those things I would be much happier. That's really what I want.
I already know it's about separating personal from professional. And thankfully I've got you and FA and so on for good support with my personal feelings.
It's just now finding the ways to do what I want to achieve.
For today I have left it with F that I am thinking about the options presented to me.
I will continue seeing Occ Health. Just to keep an eye on my own health and fitness. I of course have regular supervision and now some extra supervision agreed to continue my clinical health and fitness checks.
Hmmmm - I think I can sort of see a way forward from time to time. I think my meeting yesterday with was a tad moany but also stating my difficulties.
I mentioned some of the ethical things I question. Now that is over to them to observe if they want to or not.
In the meantime I would like to work towards being a helpful and supportive member of the team. How do I do that?
I need to just listen to her more as that is what she seems to need. She needs to be right so I can let her - drop my pride.
I can keep checking with her what she wants done, state what seems to be the days clinical agenda and ask her what she wants me to cover. She seems to want to be fully in control of everything so let her again drop my pride and my need to have any input.
I nee to say when I think something seems unethical but I need a way to say that that is surely me questioning and not sounding accusational - any ideas.
Such as a situation arising when she decides to sponsor a client. Or perhaps I should simply leave it as if I question anything at all she flips her lid and then the rest of the week it's punishing again and argumentative over every little thing.
I do need to speak up when there is so much noise in the office and when she speaks to me in nasty tones. Sometimes I don't notice until afterwards though. My fear keeps me in a sort of closed down state. It's very weird to observe in myself. I don't something is really bad until afterwards, like I go into a shock state of stillness and fear.
But I can say afterwards that I found something out of order for me. I think I will say that about the board rubber in supervision today. And the noise in the office.
Raising my head above the parapet scares the living daylights out of me because there is usually some kind of retaliation. But then I need to hear whatever comes back as useful feedback. There is bound to be degrees of truth in it. After all I am aware things that I do or say can be equally has annoying or unpleasant and it's finding a way for all of these personalities to be together in a small room for so many hours per day that's the greatest challenge in life.
I really really don't like working in an office where there is a high level of noise and I also don;t want nor need to hear loads of stories about her. I am not interested to be honest because I don't really like her but I can't say that.
Hmmm so lots of thoughts. Changing thoughts and ideas. They don't represent me as a person but are ideas that have entered my mind in the moments. Any thoughts or ideas of your own would be appreciated.
I valued your input yesterday and got me thinking about asking S what support she might be able to give me was useful. I will ask my supervisor the same question. I think they can be of valuable support whether I choose to stay and be or whether I choose to go for the mediation. I feel more inclined at the moment to go the first of those two. But it could simply be fear based. No doubt L is feeling firey knowing I had a meeting with F anyway and will be on the attack.
I need ways of speaking with her that keep the focus on me. I try that many different ways and so far haven't fund a way that is effective with L. She takes everything so personally and is utterly sensitive that it is fired back as an attack with a viciousness that catches each of us unawares. Thankfully everyone has been caught up in the same surprising line of fire. Maybe there isn't a way of saying anything to her. S gets very jokey with her and that can at times seem to work. It feels so false to me that I have refused so far to got hat route. Maybe it is the only way be pally and jokey.
But then I see S gets drawn into other things that she then has to get nasty about to bring to a halt.
Phew so flipping complicated.
I hope never to be this difficult to be with.
God please help me to retain my abstinence today in every shape and form. I realised I left a lie message on my sponsors answer machine and need to own that with her. I pick up lies like I picked up food - automatically. I felt scared that I'd got it wrong. Bless my scared little soul. And instead of saying that I had not had an alarm to tell me to call and got carried away with deep thinking and other things. Also I am tired after a couple of strange calls through the night. Then I burnt a pan this morning being all too easily distracted. IN fact I burnt the pan twice. I am just not focused and need to regain myself and remain conscious. I am already late leaving so gotta go!
I will add that I was distracted last night with M/s and the whole drawing in of being a slave and totally possessed. I masturbated and feel sickened by this part of me. It's too difficult to understand and I am sure that it was an escape from feeling vulnerable and uncertain. I then was texting JH the M of the M/s this morning as he is visiting the UK and it all tied in. Too easily distracted with this rather than focusing on what I am finding tricky times. I don't like myself much either for not knowing how to deal with the situation at work. I tell myself I should know better. And I feel so insecure in my work immediately upon her return. And I think I am so closed minded in my defence of that. Grrr.
Gently does it. God please be with me. Let me bring you into my day today.
Bliss
XX
I have thought over my meeting with the HD (Hospital Director) F yeserday. It was good to be listened to without fighting silly corporate management event hoguh she can only advise from a silly management point of view. I knew that of her but also know that she hears an has strong boundaries that she tuns the hospital to having worked with her before.
I also know I cannot change L. It's pretty hard to pin down exact things she does as well.
For instance yesterday she was asking about a client and something I said disagreed slightly with her. Then she turned. She seemed to goad me into a discussion and it's as if she pulls the rug from under my feet suddenly and unexpectedly.
The discussion started about this clients food. He had identified a problem and asked for help rather being told. Now it seems that if anyone is making good progress with a client she wants to usurp what ever is being done I think.
Anyway so there we were talking about his food but I said that's great however what he is not addressing is his avoidance. She asked questions about this and I was explaining his patterns and suggestions which are completely out of her own experiences of change I believe. So then she started talking about this book she read recently which is actually questioning codependency as a phenomena and that people get labelled. The problem is L thinks that if we identify something we are labelling them but I think she bases this on her own way of labelling. I constantly forget this and so when we discuss something I need to not do this. She labels people with judgements. I and a few others use labels as a moving hypothesis and not a completeness of the person.
But when I use them she seems to want to argue me as being wrong. And this is what happened yesterday. I then get argumentative in the past. But remembered yesterday to simply say that sounds interesting and would love to read the book too. I suggested a couple of books that she might find interesting to enhance what she has read and get other view points.
So you see there are all these subtleties going on that I think I would find impossible to back up in a mediated meeting. I did state yesterday that in my opinion she is uncertain and at times out of her depth and I regret saying that.
But I truly believe it. It's a little like N really. Someone way out of their depth, fighting their corner by lashing out at everyone else to cover their fear. There is no way to compete against that. So I'm now not sure if mediation is correct .
What I'd like is to find a way to manage my emotional reactions, to find a way to be me regardless and be able to face the consequences (I am doing that more and more), find a way to let this go over my head and far away, find a way to be friendly, adaptable, flexible and cooperative with a smile and with ease. LET GO!
When there are ethical things for me to question like sponsoring a client, like judgements and behaviours that seem detrimental etc I can raise these issues with N and let them decide what they want to do. If I am only raising that kind of thing rather than my personal difficulties then I leave it in their hands.
As I said yesterday it could be about simply leaving my personal things at home. Get on with the job as best I can. Stand up for myself when she starts throwing things around the office or being exceptionally loud or disagreeable.
Wow if I could do all of those things I would be much happier. That's really what I want.
I already know it's about separating personal from professional. And thankfully I've got you and FA and so on for good support with my personal feelings.
It's just now finding the ways to do what I want to achieve.
For today I have left it with F that I am thinking about the options presented to me.
I will continue seeing Occ Health. Just to keep an eye on my own health and fitness. I of course have regular supervision and now some extra supervision agreed to continue my clinical health and fitness checks.
Hmmmm - I think I can sort of see a way forward from time to time. I think my meeting yesterday with was a tad moany but also stating my difficulties.
I mentioned some of the ethical things I question. Now that is over to them to observe if they want to or not.
In the meantime I would like to work towards being a helpful and supportive member of the team. How do I do that?
I need to just listen to her more as that is what she seems to need. She needs to be right so I can let her - drop my pride.
I can keep checking with her what she wants done, state what seems to be the days clinical agenda and ask her what she wants me to cover. She seems to want to be fully in control of everything so let her again drop my pride and my need to have any input.
I nee to say when I think something seems unethical but I need a way to say that that is surely me questioning and not sounding accusational - any ideas.
Such as a situation arising when she decides to sponsor a client. Or perhaps I should simply leave it as if I question anything at all she flips her lid and then the rest of the week it's punishing again and argumentative over every little thing.
I do need to speak up when there is so much noise in the office and when she speaks to me in nasty tones. Sometimes I don't notice until afterwards though. My fear keeps me in a sort of closed down state. It's very weird to observe in myself. I don't something is really bad until afterwards, like I go into a shock state of stillness and fear.
But I can say afterwards that I found something out of order for me. I think I will say that about the board rubber in supervision today. And the noise in the office.
Raising my head above the parapet scares the living daylights out of me because there is usually some kind of retaliation. But then I need to hear whatever comes back as useful feedback. There is bound to be degrees of truth in it. After all I am aware things that I do or say can be equally has annoying or unpleasant and it's finding a way for all of these personalities to be together in a small room for so many hours per day that's the greatest challenge in life.
I really really don't like working in an office where there is a high level of noise and I also don;t want nor need to hear loads of stories about her. I am not interested to be honest because I don't really like her but I can't say that.
Hmmm so lots of thoughts. Changing thoughts and ideas. They don't represent me as a person but are ideas that have entered my mind in the moments. Any thoughts or ideas of your own would be appreciated.
I valued your input yesterday and got me thinking about asking S what support she might be able to give me was useful. I will ask my supervisor the same question. I think they can be of valuable support whether I choose to stay and be or whether I choose to go for the mediation. I feel more inclined at the moment to go the first of those two. But it could simply be fear based. No doubt L is feeling firey knowing I had a meeting with F anyway and will be on the attack.
I need ways of speaking with her that keep the focus on me. I try that many different ways and so far haven't fund a way that is effective with L. She takes everything so personally and is utterly sensitive that it is fired back as an attack with a viciousness that catches each of us unawares. Thankfully everyone has been caught up in the same surprising line of fire. Maybe there isn't a way of saying anything to her. S gets very jokey with her and that can at times seem to work. It feels so false to me that I have refused so far to got hat route. Maybe it is the only way be pally and jokey.
But then I see S gets drawn into other things that she then has to get nasty about to bring to a halt.
Phew so flipping complicated.
I hope never to be this difficult to be with.
God please help me to retain my abstinence today in every shape and form. I realised I left a lie message on my sponsors answer machine and need to own that with her. I pick up lies like I picked up food - automatically. I felt scared that I'd got it wrong. Bless my scared little soul. And instead of saying that I had not had an alarm to tell me to call and got carried away with deep thinking and other things. Also I am tired after a couple of strange calls through the night. Then I burnt a pan this morning being all too easily distracted. IN fact I burnt the pan twice. I am just not focused and need to regain myself and remain conscious. I am already late leaving so gotta go!
I will add that I was distracted last night with M/s and the whole drawing in of being a slave and totally possessed. I masturbated and feel sickened by this part of me. It's too difficult to understand and I am sure that it was an escape from feeling vulnerable and uncertain. I then was texting JH the M of the M/s this morning as he is visiting the UK and it all tied in. Too easily distracted with this rather than focusing on what I am finding tricky times. I don't like myself much either for not knowing how to deal with the situation at work. I tell myself I should know better. And I feel so insecure in my work immediately upon her return. And I think I am so closed minded in my defence of that. Grrr.
Gently does it. God please be with me. Let me bring you into my day today.
Bliss
XX
