Thursday 7 April 2011

A lifetime sentence of perfidious men, in short successive bursts



Prospero's Books
Peter Greenaway
An adaptation of The Tempest by Shakespeare


Peter Greenaway is an artist. He turns films into more than a film.

Prospero's perfidious brother, Antonio, casts Prospero and his daughter Miranda to their death. But they survive and live on an island. Here Prospero learns his magic and uses it to protect his daughter by controlling the monster man, Caliban and Ariel, a magical spirit.




Epilogue
Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free .
Peter Greenaway is so visual to be far away from any ordinary film. But the story rings loud and clear. There is the flavour of The Cook, The Thief, His wife and her Lover.
Superb! And not mainstream.



Canasta

Walk and card game club - another of AB's suggestions. I wonder if it will come to fruition. She certainly seems more alive at the moment.

The Cards

Canasta is normally played with two standard 52 card packs plus four jokers (two from each pack), making 108 cards in all. They have standard point values as follows:
Jokers . . . 50 points each
A, 2 . . . 20 points each
K, Q, J, 10, 9, 8 . . . 10 points each
7, 6, 5, 4 . . . 5 points each

The cards A, K, Q, J, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4 are called natural cards. All of the deuces (twos) and jokers are wild cards. With some restrictions, wild cards can be used during the game as substitutes for a natural card of any rank.
The threes have special functions and values, depending on which variation of Canasta is being played.

The Deal and Play

Each player is dealt a hand of cards, and in the centre of the table is a face-down pile of cards called the stock and a face-up pile of cards called the discard pile. The player to the left of the dealer plays first, and then the turn to play passes clockwise. A basic turn consists of drawing the top card of the stock, adding it to your hand without showing it to the other players, and discarding one card from your hand face up on top of the discard pile.
After drawing, but before discarding, you may sometimes be able to play some cards from your hand face up on the table. To play cards to the table in this way is known as melding, and the sets of cards so played are melds. These melded cards remain face up on the table until the end of the play.
The play ends when a player goes out, i.e. disposes of all the cards in his or her hand. You are only allowed to go out after your team has fulfilled certain conditions, which vary according to the type of canasta played but always include completing at least one seven-card meld or 'canasta' (see below). Having achieved this, you can go out by melding all but one of the cards in your hand and discarding this last card. In many versions of Canasta you can also go out by melding your whole hand, leaving no discard. The game can also end if the stock pile runs out of cards: if a player who wishes to draw from the stock is unable to do so, because there are no cards left there, the play ends immediately and the hand is scored.
Under certain conditions, instead of drawing from the stock, you are permitted to take the whole of the discard pile. In order to do this, you must be able to meld the top discard, without needing any of the other cards in the discard pile to make your meld valid. The procedure in this case is:
  1. Place the necessary cards from your hand face up on the table, and add the top card of the discard pile to them to form a valid meld or melds.
  2. Take all the remaining cards of the discard pile and add them to your hand.
  3. If you wish, make further melds from the cards you now have in your hand.
  4. Discard one card face up on the discard pile to end your turn.

Melds and Canastas

The object of the game is to score points by melding cards. A valid meld consists of three or more cards of the same natural rank (any rank from four up to ace), such as three kings, six fives, etc. When playing with partners, melds belong to a partnership, not to an individual player. They are kept face up in front of one of the partners. Typically, a partnership will have several melds, each of a different rank. You can add further cards of the appropriate rank to any of your side's melds, whether begun by yourself or by your partner, but you can never add cards to an opponent's meld.
Wild cards (jokers and twos) can normally be used in melds as substitutes for cards of the appropriate rank. For example Q-Q-Q-2 or 8-8-8-8-8-2-joker would be valid melds. There are, however, restrictions on using wild cards, which vary according to the type of Canasta being played.
Threes cannot be melded in the normal way. They have special functions, which are different depending on whether you play classic canasta.
A meld of seven cards is called a canasta. If all of the cards in it are natural, it is called a natural or pure or clean or red canasta; the cards are squared up and a red card is placed on top. If it includes one or more wild cards it is called a mixed or dirty or black canasta; it is squared up with a natural black card on top, or one of the wild cards in it is placed at right-angles, to show that it is mixed.
In some versions of Canasta you may create a meld of more than seven cards, simply by continuing to add more cards of the same rank to an already complete canasta. If it is allowed, a meld of eight or more cards is still regarded as a canasta. If any wild cards are added to a previously pure (red) canasta, it thereby becomes mixed (black).
For each partnership, the first turn during a hand when they put down one or more melds is called their initial meld. When making the initial meld for your partnership, you must meet a certain minimum count requirement, in terms of the total value of cards that you put down. You are allowed to count several separate melds laid down at the same time in order to meet this requirement. In some versions, the initial meld must be made entirely from your hand; in others (including Classic) you are allowed to use the top card of the discard pile along with cards from your hand to satisfy the minimum count, before picking up the remainder of the pile.
The initial meld requirement applies to a partnership, not to an individual player. Therefore, after either you or your partner have made a meld that meets the requirement, both of you can meld freely for the rest of that hand. However, if the opponents have not yet melded, they must still meet the requirement in order to begin melding.

Classic Canasta

Canasta was standardised in the late 1940's and is still played in more or less this classic form in many parts of the world, including some parts of America.
As usual, there are four players in fixed partnerships, partners sitting opposite each other. Two 52 card standard packs plus 4 jokers are shuffled together to make a 108 card pack.

The Deal

The first dealer is chosen at random, and thereafter the turn to deal rotates clockwise after each hand. The dealer shuffles and the player to dealer's right cuts. Each player is dealt 11 cards, and the rest of the cards are placed in a face-down stock pile in the centre of the table. The top card of the stock is taken off and placed face up next to the stock pile, to start the discard pile. If this first face-up card is wild or a red three, another card is turned and places on top of it, continuing until a card which is not a wild card or red three is turned up; the wild card or red three should be stacked at right angles to the rest of the pile, to indicate that it is frozen (see below).
Each player must immediately place face-up in front of them any red threes they were dealt, and draw an equal number of cards from the top of the face-down pile to replace them.

Melds in Classic Canasta

Every meld must contain at least two natural cards. The smallest meld, as usual, consists of three cards, which could be three natural cards (such as 8-8-8) or two natural cards and a wild card (such as Q-Q-2).
Melds can grow as large as you wish. A meld of seven or more cards counts as a canasta. No meld can contain more than three wild cards - so a six card meld must include at least three natural cards, and a canasta must contain at least four natural cards. There is no limit on the number of natural cards that can be added to a complete canasta. A wild card added to a pure canasta of course makes it mixed. Once a canasta contains three wild cards, no further wild cards can be added.
Note that in this version of Canasta, melds consisting entirely of wild cards are not allowed.
It is not allowed for one partnership to have two separate melds of the same rank. Any cards melded by a partnership which are the same rank as one of their existing melds are automatically merged into that meld, provided that the limit of three wild cards is not exceeded. It is however quite possible and not unusual have a meld of the same rank as one of your opponents' melds.

The Play in Classic Canasta

As usual, each turn is begun by either drawing the top card from the face-down stock or taking the whole of the discard pile. The player may meld some cards (and must do so if taking the discard pile). Each turn must be ended by discarding one card face-up on top of the discard pile.
A player may always opt to draw the top card of the face down pile. You can only take the discard pile if you can meld its top card, combined with cards from your hand if necessary. There are additional restrictions on taking the discard pile if it is frozen against your partnership (see below).
But first let us consider the case where the discard pile is not frozen against you. In that case, if the top card of the pile is a natural card (from four up to ace), you can take the pile if either:
  1. you play two cards from your hand that make a valid meld with the top discard: these could be either two natural cards of the same rank as the top discard, or one such natural card and one wild card, or
  2. the top discard matches the rank of one of your partnerships existing melds, and you add it to that meld.
The procedure for taking the pile was described in the general rules. You must show that you can use the top card in a valid meld before you are allowed to pick up the rest of the pile. After picking up the pile, you can then make further melds. For example, if there is a five on top of the pile and another five buried, you cannot use a single five in your hand to take the pile and meld the three fives. But if you have two fives in your hand you can meld these with the five on top of the pile, take the pile, and then add the other five to this meld.
Note that you can never take the discard pile if its top card is a wild card or a black three.
Note also that it is not necessary to take the discard pile in order to meld. If you wish, you can meld after drawing from the stock.

Frozen Discard Pile

There are three ways that the discard pile can be frozen against your partnership.
  1. The discard pile is frozen against all players if it contains a wild card. To show that it is frozen, the wild card is placed at right angles in the pile, so that it is still visible after other cards are discarded on top of it.
  2. In the unusual case where a red three is turned up to start the discard pile after the deal, the discard pile is frozen against all players, and the red three is placed at a right angle to show this.
  3. If your partnership has not yet melded, the discard pile is frozen against you.
When the discard pile is frozen against you, you can only take it if you hold in your hand two natural cards of the same rank as the top card of the discard pile, and you use these with the top discard to make a meld. This meld can either be a new one, or could be the same rank as an existing meld belonging to your partnership, in which case the melds are then merged.
For example, suppose the pile is frozen us and our team already has a meld of 4 sevens on the table. If the player before me discards a seven, I cannot pick up the discard pile unless I have two further sevens concealed in my hand. If do have 2 sevens in my hand, I can add them and the discarded seven to our meld (making a canasta), and take the pile.

Initial Meld Requirement in Classic Canasta

If your partnership has not yet melded, then in order to meld, the total value of the cards you lay down must meet a minimum count requirement. This requirement depends on your partnership's cumulative score from previous hands as follows:
    Cumulative score
    Minimum count of initial meld
    negative . . . . . 15 points (i.e. no minimum)
    0 - 1495 . . . . . 50 points
    1500 - 2995 . . . . . 90 points
    3000 or more . . . . . 120 points
To achieve this count, you can of course put several melds at once, and the melds can be of more than the minimum size of three cards. The standard values of the cards you play are added to check whether the requirement has been met.

We have seen that if you have not yet melded, the discard pile is frozen against you. Therefore, in order to achieve the minimum count, you must either meld entirely from your hand after drawing from the stock, or you must use two natural cards from your hand which match the top card of the discard pile. In this second case, you can count the value of the top discard, along with the cards you play from your hand in this and any other melds, towards the minimum count. You cannot count any other cards in the pile which you may intend to add in the same turn.
Example: there is a king on top of the discard pile and a king and a queen buried in the pile. You have two kings, two queens and a two in your hand. If your initial meld requirement is 50, you can meld K-K-K, Q-Q-2 using the king from the top of the pile, for 70 points. You can then add the king and queen from the pile to these melds in the same turn if you wish. But you could not make this play if you needed a minimum count of 90: even though the king and queen from the pile are ultimately worth a further 20, you cannot include these towards your initial requirement.
Bonuses for red threes, canastas and so on cannot be counted towards meeting the minimum. Even if you have a complete canasta in your hand, you are not allowed to put it down as your initial meld if the total value of its individual cards does not meet your minimum count requirement.
There is just one exception to the minimum count requirement. If, having drawn from the stock, you are able to meld your entire hand, including a canasta, without having previously melded any cards, you may do so (with or without a final discard) and go out without having to meet any minimum count requirement. In doing this you will score the extra bonus for going out concealed. This option remains available to a player who has exposed red threes, provided that they have not melded anything else.

Threes in Classic Canasta

Red threes are bonus cards.
If you draw a red three, you must immediately be place it face-up on the table with your partnership's melds (or where your melds will be, if you have not melded yet). You then draw a replacement card from the face-down stock. Although red threes score bonus points they do not count as meld, and do not help you to satisfy the minimum count requirement for your initial meld. Also they do not prevent you from subsequently scoring the bonus for going out with a concealed hand.
Occasionally it happens that a red three is turned up at the end of the deal as a start card for the discard pile. This freezes the discard pile (see below). When the discard pile is eventually taken, the player puts the red three face-up with the partnership's melds, but does not draw a replacement card.
Black threes are stop cards.
By discarding a black three you prevent the next player from taking the discard pile. However, black threes do not freeze the pile. After the black three is covered by another card, it has no further effect, and the pile can be taken in the usual way.
Black threes cannot be melded, except in one exceptional case. A player who is going out may meld a group of three or four black threes as part of that last turn. Such a meld of black threes cannot contain wild cards.

End of the hand: Going Out

The play ends as soon as a player goes out. You can only go out if your partnership has melded at least one canasta. Once your side has a canasta, you may go out if you can and wish to, by melding all of your cards, or by melding all but one and discarding your last card. It is legal to complete the required canasta and go out on the same turn.
If your side does not yet have a canasta, you are not allowed to leave yourself without any cards at the end of your turn: you must play in such a way as to keep at least one card after discarding. It is against the rules in this case to meld all your cards except one. You would then be forced to discard this last card, which would constitute going out illegally.
Note that it is not always an advantage to go out as soon as you are able to; the cards left in your partner's hand will count against your side, and you may in any case be able to score more points by continuing. If you are able to go out but unsure whether to do so, you may if you wish ask your partner "may I go out?". This question can only be asked immediately after drawing from the stock or taking the discard pile, before making any further melds other than the one involving the top card of the pile if it was taken. Your partner must answer "yes" or "no" and the answer is binding. If the answer is "yes", you must go out; if the answer is "no" you are not allowed to go out. and the answer is binding. You are under no obligation to ask your partner's permission before going out; if you wish, you can simply go out without consulting your partner.
Another way that play can end is when there are no more cards left in the face-down stock. Play can continue with no stock as long as each player takes the previous player's discard and melds it. In this situation a player must take the discard if the pile is not frozen and if the discard matches any previous meld of that player's side. As soon as a player is entitled to draw from the stock and chooses to do so, but there is no card in the stock, the play ends.
If a player draws a red three as the last card of the stock, the red three is placed face up as usual and then, since there is no replacement card that can be drawn from the stock, the play immediately ends. The player who drew the red three is not allowed to meld nor discard.

Classic Canasta Scoring

When the play has ended the hand is scored. Each partnership's score for the hand consists of:
  • the total value of any bonuses they are entitled to - see the table below,
  • plus the total value of all the cards they have melded,
  • minus the total value of any cards remaining in their hands,
The bonus scores are as follows:
For going out100 points
*For going out concealed - that is, the player's whole hand is melded in one turn, and includes at least one canasta. an extra 100 points, making 200 for going out.
For each natural (red) canasta500 points
For each mixed (black) canasta300 points
**For each red three laid out, if the team has at least one meld100 points
**For all four red threesan extra 400 points, making 800 for red threes
*Note. To score the bonus for going out concealed, the player must not have previously melded, must not add any cards to partner's melds, and must put down a complete canasta. The player going out concealed may take the discard pile in their final turn and still score the concealed bonus; if they take the discard pile and partner has not yet melded, they must satisfy the relevant initial meld requirement.
**Note. If a partnership did not manage to meld at all, then each of their red threes counts minus 100 points instead of plus 100. If they are unlucky enough to have all four red threes and have not melded, they score minus 800 points for these threes.
After the bonuses have been calculated, the cards melded by each team are counted using the standard values - see general rules. Black threes are worth 5 points each. For ease of counting and checking, the usual method is to group the cards into piles worth 100 points each. (Note that in a canasta, the values of the cards themselves are counted in addition to the bonus for the canasta, so for example a natural canasta of seven kings is really worth 570 points altogether - 500 for the canasta and 70 for the kings.)
The cards remaining in the hands of the players are also counted using the same standard values, but these points count against the team and are subtracted from their score.
A cumulative total score is kept for each partnership. It is possible to have a negative score. When one or both partnerships have a total of 5,000 or more points at the end of a hand, the game ends and the side with the higher total score wins. The margin of victory is the difference between the scores of the two sides.

Classic Canasta Strategy

Here is an archive copy of Tuomas Korppi's Canasta Strategy Guide for the classic game.

Classic Canasta Variations

Restrictions on taking the discard pile
Two variations are commonly played:
  1. A player is not allowed to take the (unfrozen) discard pile in order to add its top card to a completed canasta.
  2. A player is not allowed to take the (unfrozen) discard pile with one matching natural card and one wild card. Two natural cards are needed.
When these variations are played together, the only only difference between a frozen and an unfrozen pile is that a player can take the unfrozen pile if its top card matches an existing meld of less than seven cards belonging to that player's team.
Note that when playing these variations it is normally still possible to take a pile whose top card matches the rank of one of your team's completed canastas provided that you have two matching natural cards; the three additional cards are then added to that canasta.
A problem arises if you try to play variation 1 above but not variation 2. What happens if a player takes an unfrozen discard pile using one natural card and one wild card when the rank of the new meld matches that of an existing canasta that already contains three wild cards? There are at least four possible solutions:
  1. Modify the rule against having two melds of the same rank. A meld of less than seven cards is called an open meld, and you cannot have two open melds of the same rank, but once you have completed a canasta you can start a new meld of that same rank.
  2. Remove the limit on wild cards for melds of more than seven cards. You still need at least four natural cards in a canasta, but you can then add wild cards to it without limit.
  3. Keep both the rule against two melds of the same rank and the wild card limit, but do not allow a player to take the pile using one natural and one wild card to add to a canasta that already contains three wild cards.
  4. Introduce a rule that you can never take the pile when its top card matches one of your team's canastas, even if you have two natural cards of the same rank in your hand.
Players should agree in advance which of these solutions they wish to adopt.
Discard pile always frozen
Some play that the discard pile can only ever be taken by a player who can meld its top card with a pair of matching natural cards from hand. In classic canasta terminology, this is equivalent to saying that the discard pile is always frozen.
Wild Card Melds
Some play that it is possible to put down a meld consisting entirely of wild cards. This can consist of twos and jokers in any combination. A meld of seven wild cards is a wild canasta, and a typical bonus for it is 2000. Some increase this bonus if the canasta consists entirely of twos or contains all four jokers.
When playing with wild card melds it is usually illegal for a team that has begun a wild card meld to use wild cards in any other meld until a wild card canasta is completed. In some circles there is a penalty - typically 1000 points - for a team that starts a wild card meld but does not complete a wild card canasta.
Viennese Canasta
In Austria classic canasta is played with the following modifications
  • Red threes count positive if and only if the team has melded at least one canasta. A mere initial meld does not suffice.
  • A meld must not contain more wild cards than natural cards, thus a meld like Q-Q-2-2-2 is not allowed.
  • If a player discards a card that could be added to an opponents' completed canasta the left hand opponent must not take the discard pile. (The discard of such a card is equivalent to the discard of a black three.)
  • A player may not claim the bonus for going out concealed if he takes the discard pile. Going out concealed with a complete Canasta included in the hand that goes out is called "Hand-Canasta", and is rewarded by a 1,000 point bonus. If a player melds out and meets all the previous requirements except that he does not meld a complete canasta of his own, then this is called "Verdeckt Ausmachen", for which his side is awarded a 200 point bonus (instead of only 100 points).
  • A player with only one card in his hand may take a one card discard pile under the same conditions which would entitle him to take a discard pile of two or more cards.
A comprehensive description in German of Viennese Canasta including penalties, rules for 2, 3, 5, or 6 players, progressions, and tournament procedures may be found on Roland Scheicher's Wiener Canasta page.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” (Anon)

Believe this too with a real sincerity. I can even feel it most of the time.
But right now something is stopping me from sensing it in my soul. How does this happen????~
I truly invest in accepting the imperfections not as being OK but as simply being there and the contentment comes through dealing with them appropriately- sometimes ignoring them but often it means doing something differently to work around them. Making changes.

It's so hard when I still have JH in mind. I have to realise that he is gone. I am grieving. There is no JH and I. It's still painful as there has remained a spark of hope and I am beginning to realise that is not possible so the grieving starts in earnest. Yuch! Pain! I also think he would not be comfortable with anything other than positive. He didn't seem to be too at ease with emotions that are not on the positive side. I could be completely wrong in my judgement there and would happily take it back if I were. It's just a sense I got.

Acting as if I believe I can do it even if I don't actually believe it, I have had a nice light lunch. A whole wheat pitta with smoked salmon, quark and salad. Followed by an apple. Actually already had a pear earlier. Tonight I think will be jacket pot with tuna and quark and a pear.
I am going for another rapid walk with AB at 4pm.

Had a long chat with JB - poor him just listening, being very encouraging and hearing how I am feeling without trying to fix me.

I have counted one slide - try to do the two others before I get ready for the walk. I am concerned about LouLou, she sleeps a lot more these days and sleeps separately from me. Maybe she cannot bear to see me struggling either.

Wow! I have counted the cFos at last and submitted my counts!! That feels better - as if I have achieved something today. Well 2 things actually.
I had a lovely conversation with T too. Two days running we have spoken and I have felt lifted somewhat. Despite the fact that she is considering moving away> I should not like that at all. So I am careful to be honest that for selfish reasons I wish her to stay so any opinion I give in answer to her questions could be biased.
What I did say though is to keep speaking about things - she has two weeks before she has to make a decision and accept or reject the job offer. So in that time she can keep talking about it and I am certain the right decision will become obvious. Most importantly she needs to be talking with her children - a big and difficult move for them. And T needs to consider carefully the potential impact on them at a very crucial age and time for them.
Poo to her leaving!! Hoorah for energy and adventurous spirit. Wish I had more courage. The thing is she would be moving to improve her income and she has some investment - I have nothing and feel very ashamed of this!
Choices - darn it! I cannot regret though as that will take me back down again. Gosh my thinking is so negative. I am telling msyelf that this makes me such a loser in the eyes of others. And I feel like running away so not even working tpwards keeping thigns going - grrrr - how negatively I view myself in this frame of mind.

Off to get ready for a beautifully sunny walk with my friend

Bliss
XX


The future's bleak, the future's dark



Bliss, remember when, as a child, just the sight of a swing set, or a pony, or a hula-hoop, would get your heart racing and your imagination somersaulting?
And without even thinking in words you felt that surely the world revolved around you, that you were the most blessed creature ever to live, and that having fun was all that really mattered?
Well, I still wonder how you knew so much, at such a tender age.
Tallyho,
The Universe

I love reading this but I am so far away from this sentiment and for some reason have not been writing it in my Blog. As if keeping a secret from the anonymous reader.
I had a positive day on Tuesday. I felt uplifted and carefree. The past 2 days have returned to bleakness that's been present in ever decreasing circles. I have dark and sinister thoughts of death and even planned how yet I have taklen action and told my doctor, taking some medication, attending appointments etc. It is depression. WIth it I feel that I am a freak and a bad person that no one with any sense would want to have anything to do with me. I cannot understand why I have got this "illness". Is it the result of a lifetime of circumstances that I have been set on a path to encounter. You know the early experiences being the lessons that fix the mindset, beliefs about self and the world and the way of interactions, or is it a predisposition that gets triggered, i.e. everyone has the propensity but for some people circumstances set it off? Or is it selected genes in just a few people.
Or is this simply a hormonal thing. Some women, quite a lot apparently get depressed and slightly crazy during the premenopause. Apparently one is not in menopause until there has been a year snce the last menstrual cycle. That annoys me because everyone has a different answer no one really knows. Furthermore everyone puts everythign down to it. Any ache or pain, "oh it's menopause". Say it's not?
Well whatever is going on I have seriously considered suicide. I have planned it and cried and cried that I am thinking this way. I feel insane. I do not feel in a deep bog. I just cannot see the point.
Things that run through my mind as difficult to deal with and I think contribute to this depression are - the length of my days and the journey to work, I cannot face that at the moment yet I love my work. I do not feel competent or confident as a professional without getting the accreditation adn yet the accreditation is purely a piece of paper that's meaningless. It just seems to mean a lot to people who are not in the know. How muddled up is that? I feel that I would like slower days but cannot afford it and then I feel dreadful that at this age in my life I have very little to show for my life. I have a wealth of experiences but I have frittered money away - millions I would hazzard. Non-sensical dcisions in terms of finances. That's a battle in my head because I do not value the money but it's the only way this world flipping well works. So my decisions were lead by my disregard for most things material, yet without it I cannot continue to live the way I want to. So I do have material wants and a value for money. Complex. I feel very lonely, despite all my wonderful friends I feel very alone in this world. I miss my mum because I could talk to her about these tings and not feel a burden. I can talk to my friends but I always have the solution before I talk to them and right now I haven't so I need them to hear me and support me and I rather than feeling they can support me I feel a drain on them.
If it's not possible to end myself, which I know it isn't and I must hang on until the thinking and bleakness passes, then I want to run and run and run until I find somewhere to not be me. The problem is I take me with me.
Back to finances, if I could reduce my lifestyle then I would be able to cut down hours and even work for a lesser aoutn maybe more locally. But I want to be able to do things. If this were my life limit then I would definately not want to continue and that's partly what I am scared of - getting older, being able to get out and about less at some stage and this being it. If this is it there is not point. How non- accpetant is that. Instead of being able to be grateful for what is my current mindset is so damning and destructive. I find it ugly. Yet I cannot seem to stop it.
Writing it and seeing it makes it clearer to me. It's very different from how it used to be as well. I so wish I had my journals that Cengiz ran off with. I am not sure he actually did run off with them but he certaily took them and never returned them and then he was involved in a scandal whilst my psychologist and then disppeared off the Australia. It would be interesting to read what I wrote then. I wanted to be dead.
I wrote about every thought and everything I did for years. Back then I thought I was actually evil through and through. Because anyone nice did not do or end up doing the things that I did, so it must have been me that was the evil one. I felt a complete failure and waste of space.
I can recall really longing and praying that I could be taken off the planet into space, stripped down and made into someone else to be able to carry on. I truly wanted this as if it could actually happen. This progressed into wanting to be dead as the only other option. If not I had to face who I had become and the let down I felt. I did not want to return to work at the time I was with HR. And so eventually I tried. I got very pissed on one extremely good and expensive bottle of wine and then washed down the pills, getting ever more drunk. I had collected the pills over several weeks and visiting a variety of chemists all over the place. I did this because I had realised it was not possible to buy more than a very few at a time. I called a couple of people that I was very pleased never to hear from again - said goodbye and they called ambulances. Then JJ turned up. He knew I was drunk but hadn't realised that I had taken pills. He realised that I was acting very strangely and was there when the ambulance turned up. I can remember thinking I was able to fly and was on the ceiling. I was actually looing down at the men in their green uniforms - the paramedics - thinking they could not reach me. Of course they could and did. Next I was being led to the ambulance b ut I refused to get in. Then the police turned up. They said if I didn't get in they would have to arrest me. I got in incase they made contact with my dad. I was still terrified of my dad.
From then on the chaos grew. At the hospital, HB turned up. I was so horribly drunk. I was talking to all the other patients. I thought it was the early hours of the morning but it probably wasn't. I was made to drink this vil concoction which of course induced me to vomit for England. Then at some point S turned up???? Then my mum and dad. HB had called them and to this day cannot stop syaing sorry. She did not realise how my dad would be. I ran on the sight of him but was so drunk and also scared for his health as he chased me. He put me in an arm lock and ,arched me back into the hospital. I had kept discharging myself but they wanted to get me to the psychiatric ward. HB and JJ left me with my mum and dad. It was horrid!
Eventually my mum managed to get them to release me to the P. I am not sure how that all happened but the next thing I was there.
In the obs room behind the nurses station. I was glad my mum and dad left. I was terrified of them finding out about me and my life.
It was ironically funny. I wanted a cigarette but they had removed all matches. I was raging for a light. I was raging to be alive actually! They told me I was on obs (observation). I thought they were watching me through a two way mirror and was so angry at them that I was looking in the mirror sticking my fingers up at them. Iw as completely off my mind. Of course actually they were watching through the door and I imagine they thought I was hating myself. So then they would only light my cigarette for me. It was all madness.
I didn't sleep. I was feeling incredibly ill and to boot I was a live and have to face everything and everyone.
Then I was there for nearly 9 months in total. I had a ball.

To be continued as I really want to get on with some blob counting for Uni. I have done none!!



Bliss
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