Monday 7 March 2011

Love

LouLou has an operation tomorrow! Scared for her.
It's always a flipping risk. A whole day worrying now. I don't think I could take anymore loss right now.


Managed to organise myself so that I can be around for her. That's scary too asking for what I would like.
PD is great - all sorted in a flash. He is a good boss.

AB is such a good friend she has invited me around this afternoon - I will study there, have dinner with them and go with RB to Liss Forest this evening.
I feel overwhelmed with emotions - it's not easy being a eprson who doesn't deal with emotions easily.
I am a very senisitive person. I guess it's not easy being on the receiving end of it either.
Oh well this is who I am. Just have to find better ways of managing the emotions.
Crying does help. Wish I could stop though!

Later
Bliss
XX

ps It's such a beautifully sunny day - full of Spring and newness




Just another bod on the bus

I think I have a lesson to learn regarding people getting on and off my bus.
I am just one of the people on the bus refers to being equal - not better than or less than
Humility in being a person and one of many on this planet. Removing my ego which can manifest as a lack of self esteem i.e inferiority and worthlessness or superiority or grandiosity, full of self importance.
I am getting more of a sense of this although my self esteem can be on the floor. Shot on someone else's shoe is a term that I have used a lot, once I became consciously aware of my experiences connected with this.
Equally I have flipped to the other extreme and been full of self importance. This can manifest in knowing and being judgemental or opinionated and damning of others. Controlling comes to mind. Whereas a lack of self esteem shows itself in me as not expressing my own thoughts or feelings or not having an opinion in case I show myself up as wrong or stupid. This can also manifest as compliance. Becoming what I think others want of me. I describe myself as pathetic when like this which is so damning of myself. I would like to gently tell me that's it's not surprising considering the very sensitive me has not been nurtured for the individual way that I perceive the world. This is without intention and I can find forgiveness for that. But I also have anger about it still. I am angry at myself a lot of the time. I need forgiveness for me too.

Anyway I think I have a big issue with the loss of people - how people arrive and leave too.
I recall a friend I made, I think I was about 6 years old. I loved her. Debbie. I think, I am not sure, that I can bring to mind an image of her. Of course it is hazy and I may have her mixed up with someone else. I can smell her though and very distinct biscuity smell. I have an image of a flowery dress and the cottage that she was stying in. Hey I think it was her grandma's place. I was at Park School. She lived in a little row of cottages not so far from my own house. I can recall to this day the upset to devastation levels when she was moving to Germany. Her father was in the army. I think this was a contributor experience in my difficulty with losing people. I am not sure just how my parents supported me. I can recall some words of comfort from my mum but of course she was busy working and a lot of my childhood was alone time, so I had to work things through for myself. No judgement on this, it's how it was. I have felt angry about this at times though.
I also remember earlier than this occasion. My little best friend made new friends. I was away at school I expect and she made friends with other children in my absence. When I played with them I felt very outside and excluded. I also have a sense that she was the only person I played with for a very long time and yet she seemed to know lots of other children. I do not know how this happened.
But I had very separate friendships - she was there at home next door - KR. Then was a friendship which is linked with school but more linked with my mum being friends with one of her parents. I am not sure how. The friendship seemed made for me - I think I went there after school aged about 5 years old and then my mum collected me after her work. That's probably how it worked.
I do remember her and I being bullied by Bernard Green - ha ha ha who turned up so much later in my life miles from the original meetings - I was maybe 16 years old when he reappeared. He married a school associate J - now what was her surname. A friend of HG. JF I think. I wonder if they are still married.

What I realise at this point today is that I take full responsibility for people having got off my bus. I must be the bad one. I somehow force them off the bus. This is in my lack of acceptance of their shortcomings. I am not sure if I do kick them off or whether they get off by choice. At the same time I wonder if by having shortcomings pointed out they cannot deal with this and that is why they have to get off.
Whatever it is it's how it is and there are two things to accept. People's shortcomings and that people come and go.
I find it difficult. I have such a deep sense of loss. It affects me right at my very core. I seem to lose the past when they go. And yet I now that I will never truly lose the experience and the encounter. Once had it never goes. But I do not like the idea of never being able to access this again.
I suppose it's linked with a feeling of insecurity from my childhood. I was mainly alone. My mum always returned until of course she died.
I have had a lot of loss during my life. A lot of it is my own doing.

I cannot ponder longer on this. I spend too much time analysing.
It is what it is.
I wish to be able to accept things as they are. I trust that one leaving means there is room for newness and perhaps my life is always going to be about many many experiences and encounters - it has been so far. Little has ever stood still and I have had a remarkable life to date as a result.
Some others perhaps have more experience through a more stable journey. It's just different

And not surprisingly I think this links well with earlier discussions about certainty and uncertainty.

Bliss
XX

Studying psychology involves a lot of philosophy. And curently studying Biological psychology and how our biology becomes consciouness. Fascinating. At the same time of philosophy can make one mad. Contemplating being human - ha ha. As If I am not mad enough. Studying it rather than simply living it.
Phew - exhausting.

New

In doubt we trust - we lust for certainty






Doubt is the foundation of certainty .......
Suspicion of those that think they know what's right
Judged and measured on so many things that creates an anxiety of things out of our control to be able to control the outcomes
Healthy and unhealthy ways of doubting
Can be used as a basis for further exploration
Mistakes made in believing we have an enormous degree of control and certainty
There my be no definite decision that is true for all time
It is associated with fear and failure and something to be expelled
Addicted to certainty - says Mark Littlewood
Doubt is a fearful thing for people to express - don't know, not sure, I cannot be certain,
Doubt gets crowded out and is considered a sign of weakness rather than something to be explored
All anyone can offer is their best judgement
Persecution complexes - unhealthy doubt - other ways to look at doubts.
 the adoption of extreme certainty stands in major institutions such as Government, Churches.
A way to deliberately seek to understand that it is OK to doubt or to make mistakes
Humour eases anxiety and creates a space to risk thinking differently
Maverick's help to raise question with a diverse range of views - hooray for Maverick's
Champion free speaking - but this brings fear - creates choices
Too much choice can be debilitating
Certainty is an illusion - certain knowledge means that something works in a certain context but not finite
People seem to expect certainty and this is a cultural thing
Determinism - strict laws do exists and brings predictability - but not everything in the world does follow laws
Descartes - turns doubt on itself - doubt everything you can and see what's left standing
"I am here quite alone" - what can he be sure of? Senses can be unreliable and sometimes deceive us - we see and perceive - but does this mean it is actually how it is. Can we have faith?
One point of certainty is own existence - even if in doubt about everything else I exist
I think therefore I am - but a subjective view only and very dualist - mind and matter separate entities
Can't be sure of this :))
Mathematics seems to provide clarity and distinction -
Science proceeds by formulating evidence - specific, measurable, - start of certainty?
Science measures some things but ----
e.g. can friendship be measured - yes number of friends, what does it mean, how long? But the essence of friendship is difficult to get at and individuals ideas are neither right or wrong and therefore there is uncertainty - room to explore - or just cut and run

Science delivers results - society have become used to it and ignore caveats and uncertainty - contributes n pressure for scientists to get it right - a trap. But if not seeking certainty what is the point ......?
A thirst for certainty is what has brought the modern world.
There are limits to what we can know - open mindedness, doubts, self assessing and questioning
Maybe our brains are built on doubt - 2 sides of brain are mutually incompatible - both necessary
Left side of brain - focus and specifics - internally consistent but detached view. Control the way we talk with one and other. Only sees what it knows. Exclusive and only knows what it knows.
Right - broad open attention - good at handling unexpected. Knows because it is uncertain - inclusive and understands it's partner.
But this knowledge is not certain.
Left hemisphere produces a map of reality - limited knowledge can be better than too much - ie simplicity
It's competitive and  about gaining a result
Right empathy and seeing a bigger picture and more complex

Politics seek control. Markets recently show that there is rise and fall - but when all good forget that there are uncertainties - good and people become complacent. Collective mania and tell each other reassuring facts forgetting uncertainty - lack humility of not knowing the possibility for the future.
Uneasy relationship with uncertainty - financial markets good example.
Betting on future - people take comfort in collective behaviours -
false sense of security comes from collecting data - confidence comes from increased information even if information does not actually improve probability
authority is believable and says its OK even if false
This is a psychological phenomena -
Decisions - cannot be made on knowing but on the next step and let go of the outcome

Uncertainty and getting people to think for themselves
 use of philosophy -
well conducted philosophical views means keeping open minded and exploration to seek the truth but not expect it
requires measured way rather than an irrational lust for certainty
and intelligent conscious decision to explore
let go of control - people places things

Descartes and scientific requirement for certainty have perhaps contributed to the dislike of doubt
We humans seem to be adventurers and living is about exploring everything and anything - celebrating doubt and uncertainty
and having faith that everything will be OK whatever happens.

Notes from a debate and further contemplation of doubt and uncertainty
Very interesting
I will think more on doubt and uncertainty - I know I had this conversation in connection with relationships. Wanting some sort of commitment and yes wanting certainty but aware that certainty could not be had. Taking one day at a time but somehow with a view to development rather than a view to prove there is nothing. And doubt - behaviours create doubt but if there is a commitment then there is adesire to leanr and grow and gradually eradicate dount - as one philosopher suggests working towards certainty even if it can never be achieved. And this of course does not mean removing sponataneity and choices.
Spontaneity is something alongside and choices are something more directly linked with uncertainty.
Impulsion and compulsion - mmm other variations - a compulsion though seems less about choice and a feeling of need.


Bliss
XX





"We take things very personally at the moment. People get very disturbed and angry when their certainties about themselves and their world are questioned." So says the philosopher Angie Hobbs. But why?

A troubling search for certainty arises from research and science.

It can be enrichening to doubt.

Dark Matter - does it exist?
The process of scientific knowledge is about proving that something is incorrect. There is room for certainty ie that somehting is not right. But cannot be certain that science is right.
Epistemology

We approach human problems with a need for certainty

Western civilisation remember Socrates - he was conscious that he knew little at all. HE was wise because he was conscious of what he didn't know. He appreciated the limits of human knowledge and his attempts to flourish.
The only wisdom is to know that you don't know anything - submit most cherished beliefs to critique.
This takes us to the heart of what it is to being human -
Glamour figure of 5th Century - Alciabiades preferred the priase of the crowd because they didn't make him doubt himself. Dies in murky circumstances in Asia Minor - an example of a person who gets so very angry and disturbed when made to question themselves.

Rigorous doubt - valuable at a personal level. Artful deployment of questioning needed even whilst being teased apart.
In pursuit of truth - need to find a diplomatic manner in etiquette of doubt.
Careful in questioning too ahrd - gets too close to the bone. Darwin didn't want to pursue doubts in oublic because wife was very evangelical in her faith so he was delivate in his manner so as not to offend.
Intellectual questioning required.

It important to go on thinking and go on linking
Brings ups and downs too.

The last thing it seems is to be sure - perseverance is helpful

Doubt can be seen as negative - but unknowing is perhaps a preferable term
A source of wonder and transcendance is possible with unknowing, doubt, uncertainty

People seem to want a notion of certainty and summing up

God talk is a supremem example of summing up our knowledge with doubt
Big questions remain about meaning
Spiritual writers - Dark night of the soul - St John of the Cross
The journey towards God is a journey of deeper and deeper darkness until walking into dawn but never knowing when that moment is coming.

There is a striping away of the fantasy and projection bringing us closer to what is real - and this is so elusive to put into words.
A commitment to growing

Tensions between science and religion - both deal with doubt in different ways.
Traditions of science have knocked religions off balance.

Newton once proved God's existance - solar system - there is an intellignet wise being up there who is very well versed in mechanics and technology.
Reduced God to a scientific explanation.
Doctrine of creation out of nothing in Greek speaking world - creation told us nothing about God.

Newton's God in the West became the key doctrine of Christian belief.

Different understanding for different elements of life e.g.
Politics and human psychology
moral and religious questions
technological and science

Fundamentalism - scientific knowledge - hard certain evidence that world was created in 6 days
Source of concern within religions generally.

Underlying message of idealogies - reveals fear and anxiety about uncertainty

Dialogue - if only engage in comunication peace would break out - without bludgeoning people into believing a cerain point of view
The only way for peace is to enbrace diversity of opinions

Risk - no longer know how to do doubt
Society believes we need to control doubt

We want certainty and something we can rely on
Confidence through experiences

Humility - important because enables questions to be kept alive

People been led to expect cast iron certainty and thrown when unable to get certainty

Faithful should be encouraged to understand "I do not know" - we should be grateful.

Something may be very unpopular and still be right. Something may be vastly popular and still be wrong.

Church are still looked at to provide answers and a clear view.
But if they gave it, would people see it as right or obvious - no - would want to discuss it. Work it through.
If anything is to make any difference then it has to be worked through and needs time to emerge and see where a person sits.

Doubt in the modern world - doubting aspects of faith - patience and trust and exploration to become more certain.
People necessarily get things wrong so cannot have faith in one person but can have faith in people to keep trying and improve
Thought is a breaker of certainty
Thought I was sitting on a rock but realised sitting on shifting sand - helpful to realise
It is surely good to ask questions and wrestle as it stops rigidity and relevance

Doubt is part of what it is to be human
Honesty about uncertainty is all that is growth and hope for society and individuals.

 God cannot be proven like a science -
Everyone needs a community of people with whom to share these difficulties
We are much better placed to flourish if we embrace our uncertainty.

Bliss
x






Waiting for the Universe to scoop me up

Low days exist to remind you that you still have choices.
High days, Bliss, exist to remind you of how fast you rebound... among other things.
Boing,
The Universe
 
I feel so low and fed up with low days. I am impatient for them to pass which of course I know means that I am fighting and fight extends the difficulty. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. This is how things are. I feel low. Accept and take steps to manage that. I keep trying but I have this hope that the lowness will left and when it doesn't I feel dreadful.
I am on the merry-go-round.
This will pass. I trust that so if I trust it why don't I just carry on. Actually I am really. I am carrying on, one foot in front of the other.
Not hearing fro JH kills me. Not hearing from JH is also a route to some healing. It would be horrid to think that there is no future for any sort of friendship. I hope that some day we can be friends and there will be the possibility to laugh about our brief time together.
Right now my heart is broken and needs some healing time.
Then there is pride - messages loaded with not being enough, and now he has decided to withdraw because I am so horrid.
Well it is how it is.
 
AV sent me this - "I don't think that all changes are necessarily for the better individually but it does seem that the sum of changes always seems to be for the good. Bad stuff is just bad till it's over. Good stuff tends to last. It's just that when it's all mixed up together it can be hard to see."
 
This seems very wise. He sent it some weeks ago and I did read it but I am reading it again properly. It has reinforced my faith. Thank you AV.
 
Time to go to the docs - take my list - :))

Bliss
X