Precise and immutable law – there
has to be a Power at work here!
Having just read a few paragraphs
of the Big Book, this paragraph stood out for me.
“...I was not an atheist. Few
people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that
this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My
intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists,
suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had
little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be
so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to
believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation...”
Part of Bill’s Story, the first
story in the Big Book, after the Dr’s Opinion which cleverly points out the
physical illness of addiction, his story tells of a hopeless sot really.
Functioning, successful, but quickly becoming a hopeless sot. I’m reading a few
paragraphs per day and attempting to really take in something of the very
useful and meaningful things he wrote.
It could be that everything in
the Universe happens by accident, but even if it has there are forces at play.
It’s not happening by magic. And it’s these Universal forces that I believe in.
And somehow as Bill says it’s difficult to think it really is just a force that
is happening without some awareness. Not a conscious being as we humans tend to
think. I do not think we are in the form of God as the Bible suggests. But in
terms of life itself we are in the form of this Spiritual force. The very
essence of life cells and connected with the plant. We cannot survive as beings
without the planet, we are dependant. However, the planet is not dependant on
us. Some animals have been made dependant on us, however they would survive as
species without us.
So I believe. And then I need to
turn to that belief with faith. Believing is one thing. Really having faith is
another. So I believe there is a spiritual intelligence. A Universe “who knew
neither time nor limitation”. That is the next step. I haven’t read what Bill
does but for me right now I am stopping starting with the practice of bringing
God or my belief of the Greater Universe into my life. However, I am starting.
I need to pray this morning and this is my reminder. Please wait whilst I break
for morning prayers. Thank you.
That feels better already. It’s
strange how it works but suddenly I feel more connected by actually stopping
and talking to God.
Within my prayers this morning
was as request to help me to be more as suggested in the daily reading today.
“I pray that I may walk humbly with God. I pray that I may rely on His grace to
carry me through.” However, this is on a re-read as in my prayers it was
particularly focused on being united as a group and part of this involves
neither gossiping nor criticising. I
have noticed how in my head I do this and thankfully these days I am learning
how to keep my mouth shut. Instead I am refocusing and questioning of myself
why a particularly attitude or behaviour may affect me. It’s interesting how
T’s seeming selfishness affects me. She wants what she wants and when she wants
it she goes straight to it without thinking of others. Now we have had some
discussions about culture and she has explained that there is much more
politeness in the British culture. However she was alarmed on her first arrival
in the UK when people didn’t thank her after a meal but tended to thank at the
end of an evening. For example children visiting her kids would have tea and then
not say thank you. However, they would always say “thank you for having me” at
the end of their visit and T came to learn that this included thanks for the
meal. Hmm, well I think there is some lack of politeness involved in that too.
It’s interesting too that T has a
way that encourages these discussions. It’s not critical, it’s pointing out
differences. I must listen more closely to the ways in which she does that. She
does not criticise the differences either. I tend to be critical in my thought;
therefore if I don’t stop that prior to opening my mouth it comes out in a
critical way. It happens in my work as well. I am therefore hoping that God
will help me to find ways to raise my questions without sounding critical.
Hence in my prayers I asked God to help me to remove my criticisms. There are
differences between the three of us. And oh how I loathe when I jump in and say
oh yes I’ve done that too or yes that’s me. I am listening more and attempting
to find ways to question rather than have to relate. Thanks to M she attempted
to tell me about the over-relating I do rather than simply listening. I am
trying to be more conscious of this. Sometimes it is difficult to listen when
someone is in a dilemma or pain or something along those lines. Why is it difficult?
Because I don’t like to hear people to be in pain or difficulty and something
in me thinks they want or need me to solve the problem. But I can’t. I do have
similar experiences of course and I do have experiences of solutions too. But
that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what people want to hear. People want to
be heard first. I know that myself.
I am quite enjoying sitting in
the back seat of the car and listening to the other two in the front. There are
times when I think they get on better than me. It oscillates from T liking M
more than me which means I will be left out of the loop. Then there are other
times when I think M will like T more than me and I won’t be such a good friend
anymore. It’s crazy thinking and I can change my thinking to be happy that two
of my friends can get on so well.
We set off after lunch. We did a
fair bit of travelling about and I was conscious that M was driving a lot. We
left here for one of the largest natural lakes in Wales. It was near Bwlch. How
can the Welsh use so few vowels and get away with it? I wonder if they have
deep influences in their language from some of the Eastern European places. If
I had time this morning I’d do some quick research on the origins of the
language. It’s not a new discovery of course, me asking these questions. But it
once again reminds me of the fact that the language we have is merely a way of
making clicks and ah’s using the shape of our mouth and how as humans we have
developed this together. I have been alert to listen for Welsh speaking. In
Merthyr Tydfil, I noticed a language not familiar so assume it was Welsh. At
times it sounded like European. And when T started reading signs she sounded
very familiar with the language although of course is not at all.
The lake was actually at
Llangors. We drove through Crickhowell, where the Green Man Festival is held.
Was that about 2008 when M, J and I went? I think it was as after that J cut
contact with us. And that still hurts. Mainly because I just don’t know why?
It’s unfinished business and smarts with me. I just need t let go as there is
absolutely nothing I can do about it. We got out of the car and M discovered
boats for hire. I was nervous about the idea although I didn’t state my
anxiety. In the end we left as the boat hire place was closed. Thank you God,
ha ha ha. We couldn’t find a walk and at that I really wasn’t feeling very
active. I think I’d been dozing in the car and didn’t quite get everything
working properly in my body. I am noticing how I am feeling older and slower but
I am very grateful to still be very active. Poor T is pain. I noticed she was
finding the lighter difficult to push down, it was stiff she said. M and I
looked at each other. It’s not my place to suggest maybe she might get her
bones checked out? Anyway, we took a look for a path to a church we could see
but decided to drive there instead. Again it was funny listening to T and M
debating which routes and roads, T very insistent that she could map read and
has been doing so for her entire life. M was suspicious. I think I’m the only
one who can really do it so it was good to simply hand that over and go along
for the journey. Dozily. I am dozing a lot. I am such a controlling person. I
need to step back more but not so much that I’m not involved at all. Where is
he balance – yet again? As we were stopped and those two were debating the road
and whether we should turn around a very friendly local asked if we were lost.
We said we were heading towards Brecon. Of course we were a long way from
Brecon in “local yokel’s” books, I thought. He raised an eyebrow I think. He
started giving us all variations of routes, very friendly. I swore I heard him
say that we could even go down the road we were facing down and go past his
house. I asked him if we should pop in for a cuppa. He said his brother was
there, laughingly. The other two didn’t hear him say that at all. Did I imagine
it? They were laughing at me. I thought it funny that he said it.
We got to Brecon and drove
through it and then went on to a National park. It was a long Welsh name and
without access to the Internet right at this moment I cannot find the name. We
took a short walk up the hill. A hill opposite was covered in very low cloud
and so respectfully we decided to “stick to the path not the moor” as people
get lost. T was explaining that people tend to go around in circles when
disorientated. How interesting. I wonder why? Something else to research some
time. I was interested that the earth seemed red. Full of iron of course. Iron
and tin were mined in Wales. However they are called the Black Mountains wither
side of the Brecon Beacons, and I associated this with coal. The towns don’t
appear as I would imagine coal mining towns. My images are created from scenes
in films from northern coal mining towns I guess. For some reason I am
fascinated by the soils. And even more interested to see some surface mining. T
was interested as to why we have stopped mining. Expense of labour I believe.
And then we debated the dangers of coal mining. What if the hill started to
burn? Would t just keep burning as it’s fuel? What makes the fuel? After all
wood burns easily so what makes the coal so burnable?
We then decided to go to Merthyr
Tydfil and as we drove there I was researching fellowship meetings. The plan
being that we go on a steam train journey followed by a meeting.
Well it’s all gone awry but
worked out in the end. Setting off for our walk to Ysgyryd Fawr (Skirrid
Mountain). T decided to come too but with the proviso she’d turn back home if
her leg got too bad. M and I made it. We got to the tope and walk along the
very top, amidst the clouds and such strong winds. We turned for home and got a
bit lost. It felt such a pressure on me as the “self-designated” map reader. It
was funny earlier on in the walk when M was saying sorry for having doubted T’s
map reading skills the day before and then T went and chose the wrong routes. M
made comment and at that point T said “don’t you make mistakes”. I felt good
about myself though as I had stayed quiet when T took over and decided on the
paths. But I had a strong feeling it was wrong and when I could I turned us all
around and selected the right path. It’s a really good feeling. But then it
goes beyond just the feeling of actually “I can do this”. It becomes” see how
clever I am and that makes me a really worthy person. I need to be right. M and
I got to the top but then as we had crossed fields with horses and M had been
scared I suggested we returned via the road. Man! Did I lose us! We ended up
walking up a stream, M’s feet sopping. Then we had to cross a field with horses
anyway. Actually two mares with their foals. They were friendly and delightful
and again I felt so good to be able to be steady and consider M’s fear. We go
home eventually but I did get stressed with the sense of responsibility. We had
set off probably about 9:30. I had rushed writing and not completed my thoughts
before leaving. Hence this reads as if it’s continuous. We didn’t get back
until approximately 13:30 maybe even closer to 14:00. Tired and very hungry I
got out of my wet clothes and rapidly prepared my lunch. It was disappointing
food considering I was so hungry.
Furthermore, and ever so worrying, my knee started to hurt. At points I
didn’t think I could get my leg over the stiles as my knee just hurt too much
to bend. And walking in long grass that had blown over was excruciating.
Perhaps it’s arthritis. That’s horrid!! More things I have to adjust to about
getting older. Poop.
There are times when I think I’m
twice the size of T and then other times I think I’m too skinny and not shapely
at all. I know how awful I feel when I am overweight and people are talking
about sized when they are thinner. It leaves me feeling dreadful so M had asked
that we didn’t talk about it.
Mrs Smith, friendly, cheerful Mrs
Smith is here along with her five children. Hey seem to range from about 7 or 8
upto about 15 or 16. We haven’t seen them all, merely glimpses of them. Boy is
she hard working. Backwards and forwards to the washing room. She rents out two
little cottages. The one we are in and one next door. There is another larger
looking lodge a little further down the farm. Then there is the guy with the
Smiley earring who lives in a couple of caravans. Probably over rehearsed he
told the travellers “I came here 21 years ago on holiday and I’ve never left”.
The fact that he came from just around the corner made it seem a really odd
thing to have done. The holiday on the farm not the part where he had decided
to stay. Many a time people decide to stay permanently where they have been
holidaying. “Live with my wife, and do odd things here on the farm, plus a
removal tomorrow and some building somewhere else.” Where’s his wife though? Oh
and children too. What a place though. What he did say, almost embarrassed and
looking cautiously for a brief moment towards the house and lowering his voice,
“she’s on her own with the five kids”. So that was how the news broke that she
had five children and also eradicated all the questions about who Mr Smith is. “He
lives in Abergavenny”.
Last evening Mrs Smith was all
dolled up and very bright-eyed. She was distracted when stopping momentarily to
chat, as if not really taking anything in and abrupt like she had certainly not
been until this moment. Preoccupied but it seemed in a dreamy eyed way. She was
surely meeting a man. Or maybe a woman. Maybe that’s why Mr Smith left. Mrs
Smith had been having an affair with a woman. However, I think if she is having
an affair it’s occurred after Mr Smith left. She is just one of those practical
and very homely looking women. I see pain in her eyes despite her incredible
friendliness. She was even worrying when the women were seemingly late from an
early morning walk.
Mrs Smith had married Mr Smith
pretty young. They were in their early twenties. She is only early forties now.
And with all those kids. Mr Smith inherited the family farm and they settled
into running this business. Farming was enduring an took it’s toll on the
relationship. Where had the romance gone? Where did all that joy of the early
days of meeting and courting fade too. Instead being replaced with home making,
children and hard work. Then when Mr Smith met his floozy, in town, it
revitalised him but devastated Mrs Smith. The children too, feeling sombre,
they watch their hard-working mum, prepare beds, clean the cottages, direct the
farm workers and try to make ends meet. She looks tired. They are good
children, helping around the house and keeping out of harms way. They rarely
see their dad now. It’s seems to be an impermanent arrangement. Mr Smith will
be coming back but no one knows exactly when.
Mrs Smith has no time for hobbies
and interests. But now with the cottages and the fishing lake, she is starting
to have a good income. It’s hard work but it’s more than paying it’s way
despite the drenched out summer. Does she really want Mr Smith back? Certainly not
right now with this new romantic interest. It’s nothing very committed but it’s
a lot of fun. You can see that in her eyes if you stop to look on “those”
nights out.
And the next day she’s really buoyant.
A spring in her step. Work is easier somehow. Things are funnier and there are
no worries. In fact even the anger towards Mr Smith diminishes in the aftermath
of a wonderful evening out.
Well this is all in my
imagination of course. Just a little idea from a brief word and encounter.
Bliss
XX
