If someone behaves negatively towards you, it helps to remember that he or she is a human being like you and to distinguish between an action and the person who does it. If counter measures are needed to prevent someone doing harm, it's always better to do it with a calm rather than an agitated mind. If you act out of anger, the best part of your brain fails to function. Remember, compassion is not a sign of weakness.
This is something I need to remember and practice. Often I simply need to keep my mouth closed and observe.
I often become the spokesman when I see someone attacking someone else. And in turn I become the target. I think there is a different way.
I have a great example of doing this.
Last year, around January or February 2012 LK was going off for some days and SH was insisting that we need cover in her absence. I didn't agree actually. But I saw a battle going on with a woman who simply wasn't listening to her staff member. I had already had enough dealings with her to know that she was bloody minded and a bully. Although I find it difficult to determine bullying. But something in me became the protector so inside I felt that SH was being bullied. I started speaking out about needed cover despite me thinking that SH was worrying too much. So LK did listen to me and went and insisted we had cover. That cover was PD. He questioned immediately why we had cover. I didn't own the fact that I ha insisted and incidentally neither did SH. PD went straight off and complained to the manager. On LK's return she got into trouble and in turn came to the office asking why this had happened. She had indeed acted in good faith on my say-so. I didn't own it even then. The superhero turns coward.
As a result and rightly so LK could not trust me. I understand that. And that was embedded into her from that moment on. Then everything became a battle and she wasn't ever going to listen to me.
As time went on I kept practising keeping y mouth shut. I do not need t be the hero and defender. But there is a fine line. Knowing when to observe and when it's appropriate to step in. IN that case I can see the drives; my dislike for LK being one of the biggest motivators. But also I do always get this sense that I need to stand against the apparent super power even when I don't believe in the cause. I think this is the part of me that cannot stand up for myself, not wanting to see someone being persecuted. It's the injustice and in my powerlessness I "big-up" but really it's falsely harnessing rage.
It's not courage.
The courage would be in observing and mindfully deciding on what needs to be done. IN that particular circumstance I know that SH is perfectly capable of standing up for herself and in fact I would have been better off either keeping quiet or speaking my own truth, i.e. that we would be fine with a proviso that if it was becoming unmanageable we could call upon PD for cover. We would have been just fine.
But there are times when people do need defending. Ad it's on those occasions I am afraid and don;t have courage. It's not rage I harness but quiver int he fear. It's in those times that I need to embrace my HP and ask for the strength and guidance to do whatever is necessary.
Lots to learn
However, this is slightly off topic although involves the concept of listening to the message not identifying it with the messenger. Sort of anyway.
Do I have an example of this recently. I do it all the time, making judgements on people and theroefore make assumptions about what is being said. If I like someone they could say the same as someone I don;t like but I'd have a different attitude between them. That's why I like the 12th Tradition with the idea of principles not personalities. Listen to what's being said, hav compassion for every human being. Understand that my intolerance or impatiene is mine mot anythign to do with them#I have been having difficulties for esample with A who makes serious judgements about a meeting I attend regularly. She doesn't agree with the way it runs. I don't like the way she operates and find her bullying in her manner. Hmm there's a connection. Anyway as a result I do not value anything she contributes. I listen to her with a cynicism. And I have listend to gossip about her because it adds fuel to my already cynical thoughts about her.
And so I need to simply observe and not be stand offish or rude. I can engage removing preconceptions and negative judgements. Love her for who she is. Hearing a aprt of her story I can understand there are influences that have left her vulnerable. And I feel for her on that level.
I need to keep remembering to put aside gossip I've heard although I find that difficult. The fact that there are diffrences in our approach to things adds to the colour of life. There is not ONE way and certainly not my way is THE way. Things do work for me but there's lots of things that are not working and need more input on my part. Studying comes to mind again!
I am imperfect and that's all that metters not enayone else's imperfections. I even imagine that she is out to destroy the meeting, reading further into her comment that there are too many meetings anyway and that's why some are failing. It may be true. But all the time there one or two of us wanting to attend then it can keep going. If that doesn't happen, well so be it. Just ebcause she doesn't like it doesn't meant o say that others of us don't.
I will try and find someone to do a chair there and I will attend the Intergroup as GSR until we get some people with recovery who would like to take on commitments. If L wats to do teas and coffess that'll be a great start as she's friendly and warm. If J needs to keep attending well so be it for the time being. Maybe some time he'll move on from the women's meeting. In the meantime it's great that he's attending a meeting. For the new newcomer she doesn't know any different and isn't complaining. It;s only those of us that want it to be all women that klnow any difference coz it's been singel sex for the majority of the time.
So thre we are . It's not just about a she it about groups and things and anything. Things are just the way they are. Perhaps there are situations when I have to assert myself to ensure there is no harm but it's discerning when that is. If I am boudnried then nothing can harm me because I'll be looking after me and show people that they too can look after themselves. I can be oer protective. I want to rescue because I am actually rescuing myself, the child within me who still feels dreadfully scared and alone. I am not alone I have adult me and my HP. HP please guide me and give me strength. Thank you.
Bliss
XX
This is something I need to remember and practice. Often I simply need to keep my mouth closed and observe.
I often become the spokesman when I see someone attacking someone else. And in turn I become the target. I think there is a different way.
I have a great example of doing this.
Last year, around January or February 2012 LK was going off for some days and SH was insisting that we need cover in her absence. I didn't agree actually. But I saw a battle going on with a woman who simply wasn't listening to her staff member. I had already had enough dealings with her to know that she was bloody minded and a bully. Although I find it difficult to determine bullying. But something in me became the protector so inside I felt that SH was being bullied. I started speaking out about needed cover despite me thinking that SH was worrying too much. So LK did listen to me and went and insisted we had cover. That cover was PD. He questioned immediately why we had cover. I didn't own the fact that I ha insisted and incidentally neither did SH. PD went straight off and complained to the manager. On LK's return she got into trouble and in turn came to the office asking why this had happened. She had indeed acted in good faith on my say-so. I didn't own it even then. The superhero turns coward.
As a result and rightly so LK could not trust me. I understand that. And that was embedded into her from that moment on. Then everything became a battle and she wasn't ever going to listen to me.
As time went on I kept practising keeping y mouth shut. I do not need t be the hero and defender. But there is a fine line. Knowing when to observe and when it's appropriate to step in. IN that case I can see the drives; my dislike for LK being one of the biggest motivators. But also I do always get this sense that I need to stand against the apparent super power even when I don't believe in the cause. I think this is the part of me that cannot stand up for myself, not wanting to see someone being persecuted. It's the injustice and in my powerlessness I "big-up" but really it's falsely harnessing rage.
It's not courage.
The courage would be in observing and mindfully deciding on what needs to be done. IN that particular circumstance I know that SH is perfectly capable of standing up for herself and in fact I would have been better off either keeping quiet or speaking my own truth, i.e. that we would be fine with a proviso that if it was becoming unmanageable we could call upon PD for cover. We would have been just fine.
But there are times when people do need defending. Ad it's on those occasions I am afraid and don;t have courage. It's not rage I harness but quiver int he fear. It's in those times that I need to embrace my HP and ask for the strength and guidance to do whatever is necessary.
Lots to learn
However, this is slightly off topic although involves the concept of listening to the message not identifying it with the messenger. Sort of anyway.
Do I have an example of this recently. I do it all the time, making judgements on people and theroefore make assumptions about what is being said. If I like someone they could say the same as someone I don;t like but I'd have a different attitude between them. That's why I like the 12th Tradition with the idea of principles not personalities. Listen to what's being said, hav compassion for every human being. Understand that my intolerance or impatiene is mine mot anythign to do with them#I have been having difficulties for esample with A who makes serious judgements about a meeting I attend regularly. She doesn't agree with the way it runs. I don't like the way she operates and find her bullying in her manner. Hmm there's a connection. Anyway as a result I do not value anything she contributes. I listen to her with a cynicism. And I have listend to gossip about her because it adds fuel to my already cynical thoughts about her.
And so I need to simply observe and not be stand offish or rude. I can engage removing preconceptions and negative judgements. Love her for who she is. Hearing a aprt of her story I can understand there are influences that have left her vulnerable. And I feel for her on that level.
I need to keep remembering to put aside gossip I've heard although I find that difficult. The fact that there are diffrences in our approach to things adds to the colour of life. There is not ONE way and certainly not my way is THE way. Things do work for me but there's lots of things that are not working and need more input on my part. Studying comes to mind again!
I am imperfect and that's all that metters not enayone else's imperfections. I even imagine that she is out to destroy the meeting, reading further into her comment that there are too many meetings anyway and that's why some are failing. It may be true. But all the time there one or two of us wanting to attend then it can keep going. If that doesn't happen, well so be it. Just ebcause she doesn't like it doesn't meant o say that others of us don't.
I will try and find someone to do a chair there and I will attend the Intergroup as GSR until we get some people with recovery who would like to take on commitments. If L wats to do teas and coffess that'll be a great start as she's friendly and warm. If J needs to keep attending well so be it for the time being. Maybe some time he'll move on from the women's meeting. In the meantime it's great that he's attending a meeting. For the new newcomer she doesn't know any different and isn't complaining. It;s only those of us that want it to be all women that klnow any difference coz it's been singel sex for the majority of the time.
So thre we are . It's not just about a she it about groups and things and anything. Things are just the way they are. Perhaps there are situations when I have to assert myself to ensure there is no harm but it's discerning when that is. If I am boudnried then nothing can harm me because I'll be looking after me and show people that they too can look after themselves. I can be oer protective. I want to rescue because I am actually rescuing myself, the child within me who still feels dreadfully scared and alone. I am not alone I have adult me and my HP. HP please guide me and give me strength. Thank you.
Bliss
XX
