Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx