Reading Paradise Lost by Milton, the title of this Blog page taken from Dorothy Parker seems most appropriate in line with my dishonesty. But also how that seed can rally the troops of deceit, shame, self-hatred, distrust, and so on. All of this creates a downward spin of destruction and guess what can step in an seem to save the day? The devil incarnate, in the form of addiction. I do not want to return to that anymore. Hence it is vital I am talking about this. OK so the horse may have bolted but I don't think it has. I think the horse has just stepped out calmly an assessing the options now that the door is open again.
It is both interesting as well as painful to view. I am grateful for these things been shown to me. I am praying to work my programme a suggested by a fellow this morning.
It started with but is not limited to an event yesterday evening. I met with JH but without talking this through with anyone. Knowing how much pain and upset the ending with JH caused me and indeed my shame at the way I met and behaved within this relationship, it might surprise some people that I even considered meeting him and this is not implicating him as the culprit, the problem the cause. Oh no I have the problem firmly focused on myself. JH was doing just what he wanted and could and is comfortable with. It was ll not good for me that's all, and not something I want to be involved in again. I would like only to meet someone who can love me as me, no games, no deceit, equality and support. This was not JH's fault, it just wasn't what the relationship was. How could it have been under the circumstances in which we met. The actual evening was very pleasant, talking with his children whom I met for the first time. DJ was intriguing with his pull on a lot of information but as yet delivered with the idealism of a 16 year old with a lot of energy and passion. And J was very graceful in her posture and demeanour. She has a great deal of tolerance it would seem. Whilst she said her English was not good, I thought her pretty good in locution and comprehension. And JH was, well himself I guess. His phone ringing raised the same old questions of wondering who exactly he has on the go these days and a gladness that it matters little to me so long as he is happy with his way of living and he seems so. I am sure there is so much pain for all three as changes continue to take place oh so slowly in their home living. I somehow think this slow change is more drawn out pain than is perhaps bearable. A clean break seems to bring sharp pain in the moment but creates space for healing sooner. That's just my opinion. It appears very "controlled" as in a way of putting off the pain, fear of pain rather than facing it. As I say it's just an opinion and not one that has been invited to impart directly with those concerned. Alors, je vais lasser tombe l'affaire la.
So what were my motives for meeting up. I think there were many. To be friendly because I can and before I go on and reveal other motives I want to restate that first motive as it is above all the most genuine one and most important. The questions as to why I want to remain friendly and open to that is another matter. This was raised this morning and I think it is good not to have so much ill-feeling left in the ether. There is enough anguish and separation and incomplete interrelations. It is good to be able to bring good feeling into things that have long since past. I am in contact with many people from the past. They are good people. Those that are not so good, well they do disappear. But I would be willing to be friendly and pleasant should any single one of them reappear in my life in some way. This is kind and gentle and loving thinking and attitude I believe.
So with JH in the country I do not see anything wrong at all with having met last evening.
I have to get ready to leave soon however I want to talk about the other less pleasant motives.
One was for JH to see me with my new right-sized body. And to witness the more pleasant, loving me rather than the memories of the frantic, aggressively, defensive me. I wanted to show that I am a nice person and much more self-assured without all the chaos. Some of that I think was wanting to take my power back and show that there was some effect of him that affected my attitude and behaviour. So I wanted him still to take some responsibility that at the end seemed as if he was putting all onto me. The thing is I can never get any to take responsibility and I don;t even really want to have to be doing that anymore. All I can do is keep the focus on me.
Another motive? Well to be able to maintain something of a friendship. As with JB I have done that but to be honest JB is very upfront. There is little that is secretive. I don't always agree with his principles on some matters but I very much admire his principles and ethical practice in other ways. He is human after all and I can accept that. And he offers a friendship to me, it's not all self gain. So having experienced that with JB why not JH too?
Also there is some catharsis in meeting and not wanting anymore. That helps with the letting go and the healing of the pain. When wanting still a meeting would be nothing but destructive for me.
So a bundle of drives towards my decision. And overall it was pleasant. The meal was tasty, in fact the seabass was amongst the best I have had for a long time. And it was lovely of JH to treat me to such lovely food. And it was interesting meeting his children after having heard much about them. I think JH really wants for his children to be a part of his life. I wonder how much he listens to their needs. But I have always wondered about that of him with people.
The other element of this is the dishonesty by omission. I feel pretty awful about myself for not having been honest with my sponsor, with friends and with fellows. The meeting up I mean. This is self-will. I had made the decision I was going to do it and I didn't want anyone to tell me not to.
How annoying that I can't stand up and be counted and whether the decision is the right one or the wrong one, people can give me their opinion but not tell me what to do. I have to be ready to do whatever is required. If people cannot be supportive that is their choice. If they want to make judgements and talk about me that is their business. If they want to break away from me that is their prerogative.
I really need to be on my way to A's to drop off LouLou and then wind my way on to work.
There is so much more to write. And I am likening this all along with Paradise Lost. It almost was during my life but somehow I am being show the reprieve. Perhaps I haven't followed the devil entirely I have not given in absolutely to the temptation. The devil has smiled and beguiled and almost won me over on many occasions. I think I may have always felt the heat of the burning inferno but been fearful enough to scrapple backwards somehow and just stay teetering on the edge. Thank goodness God is stronger in my life. God please I pray for the willingness to follow my programme, even though the path narrows. I pray to surrender to you. I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom by so doing. I trust that it will.
There is a lot more to write on this. Whether it will ever get written who knows. I have a lot to ponder
God thank you for this awakening and an opportunity to review and grow
I am committed to not retrurnign to food addiction in action. That means I have to follow a different path to maintain that. Nothing stands alone.
Bliss
XX
It is both interesting as well as painful to view. I am grateful for these things been shown to me. I am praying to work my programme a suggested by a fellow this morning.
It started with but is not limited to an event yesterday evening. I met with JH but without talking this through with anyone. Knowing how much pain and upset the ending with JH caused me and indeed my shame at the way I met and behaved within this relationship, it might surprise some people that I even considered meeting him and this is not implicating him as the culprit, the problem the cause. Oh no I have the problem firmly focused on myself. JH was doing just what he wanted and could and is comfortable with. It was ll not good for me that's all, and not something I want to be involved in again. I would like only to meet someone who can love me as me, no games, no deceit, equality and support. This was not JH's fault, it just wasn't what the relationship was. How could it have been under the circumstances in which we met. The actual evening was very pleasant, talking with his children whom I met for the first time. DJ was intriguing with his pull on a lot of information but as yet delivered with the idealism of a 16 year old with a lot of energy and passion. And J was very graceful in her posture and demeanour. She has a great deal of tolerance it would seem. Whilst she said her English was not good, I thought her pretty good in locution and comprehension. And JH was, well himself I guess. His phone ringing raised the same old questions of wondering who exactly he has on the go these days and a gladness that it matters little to me so long as he is happy with his way of living and he seems so. I am sure there is so much pain for all three as changes continue to take place oh so slowly in their home living. I somehow think this slow change is more drawn out pain than is perhaps bearable. A clean break seems to bring sharp pain in the moment but creates space for healing sooner. That's just my opinion. It appears very "controlled" as in a way of putting off the pain, fear of pain rather than facing it. As I say it's just an opinion and not one that has been invited to impart directly with those concerned. Alors, je vais lasser tombe l'affaire la.
So what were my motives for meeting up. I think there were many. To be friendly because I can and before I go on and reveal other motives I want to restate that first motive as it is above all the most genuine one and most important. The questions as to why I want to remain friendly and open to that is another matter. This was raised this morning and I think it is good not to have so much ill-feeling left in the ether. There is enough anguish and separation and incomplete interrelations. It is good to be able to bring good feeling into things that have long since past. I am in contact with many people from the past. They are good people. Those that are not so good, well they do disappear. But I would be willing to be friendly and pleasant should any single one of them reappear in my life in some way. This is kind and gentle and loving thinking and attitude I believe.
So with JH in the country I do not see anything wrong at all with having met last evening.
I have to get ready to leave soon however I want to talk about the other less pleasant motives.
One was for JH to see me with my new right-sized body. And to witness the more pleasant, loving me rather than the memories of the frantic, aggressively, defensive me. I wanted to show that I am a nice person and much more self-assured without all the chaos. Some of that I think was wanting to take my power back and show that there was some effect of him that affected my attitude and behaviour. So I wanted him still to take some responsibility that at the end seemed as if he was putting all onto me. The thing is I can never get any to take responsibility and I don;t even really want to have to be doing that anymore. All I can do is keep the focus on me.
Another motive? Well to be able to maintain something of a friendship. As with JB I have done that but to be honest JB is very upfront. There is little that is secretive. I don't always agree with his principles on some matters but I very much admire his principles and ethical practice in other ways. He is human after all and I can accept that. And he offers a friendship to me, it's not all self gain. So having experienced that with JB why not JH too?
Also there is some catharsis in meeting and not wanting anymore. That helps with the letting go and the healing of the pain. When wanting still a meeting would be nothing but destructive for me.
So a bundle of drives towards my decision. And overall it was pleasant. The meal was tasty, in fact the seabass was amongst the best I have had for a long time. And it was lovely of JH to treat me to such lovely food. And it was interesting meeting his children after having heard much about them. I think JH really wants for his children to be a part of his life. I wonder how much he listens to their needs. But I have always wondered about that of him with people.
The other element of this is the dishonesty by omission. I feel pretty awful about myself for not having been honest with my sponsor, with friends and with fellows. The meeting up I mean. This is self-will. I had made the decision I was going to do it and I didn't want anyone to tell me not to.
How annoying that I can't stand up and be counted and whether the decision is the right one or the wrong one, people can give me their opinion but not tell me what to do. I have to be ready to do whatever is required. If people cannot be supportive that is their choice. If they want to make judgements and talk about me that is their business. If they want to break away from me that is their prerogative.
I really need to be on my way to A's to drop off LouLou and then wind my way on to work.
There is so much more to write. And I am likening this all along with Paradise Lost. It almost was during my life but somehow I am being show the reprieve. Perhaps I haven't followed the devil entirely I have not given in absolutely to the temptation. The devil has smiled and beguiled and almost won me over on many occasions. I think I may have always felt the heat of the burning inferno but been fearful enough to scrapple backwards somehow and just stay teetering on the edge. Thank goodness God is stronger in my life. God please I pray for the willingness to follow my programme, even though the path narrows. I pray to surrender to you. I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom by so doing. I trust that it will.
There is a lot more to write on this. Whether it will ever get written who knows. I have a lot to ponder
God thank you for this awakening and an opportunity to review and grow
I am committed to not retrurnign to food addiction in action. That means I have to follow a different path to maintain that. Nothing stands alone.
Bliss
XX
