It doesn't seem appropriate for me to write the mood with which I awake on this morning. It seems to be happening every so many days. I have no rhyme or reason for it. People seem to keep wanting to associate it with something, event, situation but I really don't think it is actually to do with daily living.
I seem to have to work hard to rationalise just not to slip further. It's as if I have tipped over the edge of a steep slope, on the edge of a deep pit. I am scrambling hard to just stay in situ, not even at this stage getting grip enough to consider pulling myself back up over the edge to safety.
My thinking this morning started as soon as I opened my eyes. The argument about what lies ahead this morning meeting with the so-called specialists. And then about not feeling ready for work but feeling so concerned about finances too. I was relieved though to receive PD's text yesterday saying to put myself first and get properly well. That does help getting something like that from people who I am worried about how they are thinking. So then I needed to get up to walk LouLou. It's not such a sunny nor warm morning. It's one of those blanket days. The sky is plan white and it changes the light because the sun's light is not bright, it's slightly deadened by the blanket it has to pass through. And it's just a little cooler. No breeze at all.
I was thinking of JS who I will be meeting up with later. I was thinking of laughter and how everything seems on the surface anyway to be easy and chilled. Time spent concentrating on spiritual pursuits. And having achieved as well. Albeit through marriage and inheritance. But there's nothing to need to do to make ends meet. And then I started thinking how little I have achieved in material wealth. How much I have frittered away over the years. Fortunes really that I have allowed to run through my fingers. The fear of being pinned down, so running, running, running. And now this morning I suddenly felt utter shame of how I am living. Which is so much the opposite of when I have had financial overheads and responsibility bigger than this. I have wanted to downsize and be free. Here I am downsized and free.
Where ever I am, I am not content.
It's good to remind myself of this because I can focus on it being everything else around me. Right now something is going on that has brought on depression. I thought I was long past this and that any serious low periods have been circumstantial. This time I think it is realising that I cannot do anything more than I am doing. In the past there have been times when it's deep emotions that have triggered lows. But this ugh how I hate to say it again I think is associated with hormones.
I think that because it's so erratic. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt really OK. Content, happy, laughing. I felt enthusiastic and able to plan etc. This morning I feel very low, pointless, life is pointless and everything is grey. It feels as if everyone else in the world is OK and happy but I am not. I feel scared about the future. I am not really sure what I am afraid of ... responsibility, loneliness, disability. Yet I am not there at all. And rationally I know that today is OK. I am fit and healthy in physical ways. I am getting fitter too with every day. I am looking after my nutrition well now. I am enjoying photography and creating. I am enjoying learning as I always do. I have a more than adequate roof over my head, my bills are paid, my dad is prepared to help me next month, I have wonderful friends who are there and friends that pop in and out of my life. You see I can see all of that and be incredibly grateful for it.
BUT on such mornings there is a desire to be dead. It's irrational. Yesterday afternoon I was lying in the bath and suddenly my thinking was once again on the loss of experiences of the past. My whole past can never be relieved. And it felt like overwhelming grief. I could never have any of that back. And I was going back in my memories. DM and walking in London, CO, AV, so many people, my mum and she is dead, times with my dad that were good and look at us now, places I've lived, jobs I've had and people I encountered in those places - more and more and more just loading into the dreadful loss. It's actually a physical feeling too.
The only way I could scrapple to stop from falling was to remind myself that I at least I have had these experiences. The places I have travelled to and the adventures along the way. They are all just experiences that I have had and today is another experience, just different. This helped me to stay on the edge and gradually as I carried on with my arrangements to get to AB and go for a walk I was back on the solid ground and safe. Feeling happy, laughing, chatting about all sorts of other things, knowing I had had these thought and the feeling was still close enough to know how it had felt but gone.
I said to AB how scared I am that when I am feeling suicidal, it's very different from when in the past being in the depths of depression. Then it's such a grunge feeling that there is no energy often to follow the thoughts. And when I did before, it was when I was more energised but had no counter-balance of thinking, no knowledge. Now it's different I do have the rationale, and I know it will pass if I can get passed the period of darkness. But it's so vivid and energised. I know how I will do it. I know where to go to get what I need. I feel scared of the force of the thoughts, like a solid mass pushing me ease, little resistance. I feel scared of myself.
I am not coping with hormonal changes well. I feel ashamed of anyone reading this. At the same time it is a part of me. ANd I have nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who reads or knows me and judges me harshly has no understanding. I would not pass harsh judgement on anyone who tells me this sort of thing. I would be concerned. Not enough is truly known about such matters. It is mental health and of course that then provokes assertions. People assume negatively.
I have to go and get ready. I am anxious about this morning. Looking forward to meeting with JS this afternoon and then going to the Buddhist retreat for meditation. Yes that is at least something peaceful to look forward to. Even though I am concerned of being judged by JS funnily enough. I do not need to reveal anything and I remember too how everything seemed on the surface so great but I saw JS change over the days I stayed there when visiting Spain. I could see her own difficulties with herself. I am sure like me things have moved on. I am looking forward to seeing my friend though. We have shared a lot together in the past and I am glad we have been able to stay friends.
Right - get ready and zoom off
Bliss
XX
I seem to have to work hard to rationalise just not to slip further. It's as if I have tipped over the edge of a steep slope, on the edge of a deep pit. I am scrambling hard to just stay in situ, not even at this stage getting grip enough to consider pulling myself back up over the edge to safety.
My thinking this morning started as soon as I opened my eyes. The argument about what lies ahead this morning meeting with the so-called specialists. And then about not feeling ready for work but feeling so concerned about finances too. I was relieved though to receive PD's text yesterday saying to put myself first and get properly well. That does help getting something like that from people who I am worried about how they are thinking. So then I needed to get up to walk LouLou. It's not such a sunny nor warm morning. It's one of those blanket days. The sky is plan white and it changes the light because the sun's light is not bright, it's slightly deadened by the blanket it has to pass through. And it's just a little cooler. No breeze at all.
I was thinking of JS who I will be meeting up with later. I was thinking of laughter and how everything seems on the surface anyway to be easy and chilled. Time spent concentrating on spiritual pursuits. And having achieved as well. Albeit through marriage and inheritance. But there's nothing to need to do to make ends meet. And then I started thinking how little I have achieved in material wealth. How much I have frittered away over the years. Fortunes really that I have allowed to run through my fingers. The fear of being pinned down, so running, running, running. And now this morning I suddenly felt utter shame of how I am living. Which is so much the opposite of when I have had financial overheads and responsibility bigger than this. I have wanted to downsize and be free. Here I am downsized and free.
Where ever I am, I am not content.
It's good to remind myself of this because I can focus on it being everything else around me. Right now something is going on that has brought on depression. I thought I was long past this and that any serious low periods have been circumstantial. This time I think it is realising that I cannot do anything more than I am doing. In the past there have been times when it's deep emotions that have triggered lows. But this ugh how I hate to say it again I think is associated with hormones.
I think that because it's so erratic. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt really OK. Content, happy, laughing. I felt enthusiastic and able to plan etc. This morning I feel very low, pointless, life is pointless and everything is grey. It feels as if everyone else in the world is OK and happy but I am not. I feel scared about the future. I am not really sure what I am afraid of ... responsibility, loneliness, disability. Yet I am not there at all. And rationally I know that today is OK. I am fit and healthy in physical ways. I am getting fitter too with every day. I am looking after my nutrition well now. I am enjoying photography and creating. I am enjoying learning as I always do. I have a more than adequate roof over my head, my bills are paid, my dad is prepared to help me next month, I have wonderful friends who are there and friends that pop in and out of my life. You see I can see all of that and be incredibly grateful for it.
BUT on such mornings there is a desire to be dead. It's irrational. Yesterday afternoon I was lying in the bath and suddenly my thinking was once again on the loss of experiences of the past. My whole past can never be relieved. And it felt like overwhelming grief. I could never have any of that back. And I was going back in my memories. DM and walking in London, CO, AV, so many people, my mum and she is dead, times with my dad that were good and look at us now, places I've lived, jobs I've had and people I encountered in those places - more and more and more just loading into the dreadful loss. It's actually a physical feeling too.
The only way I could scrapple to stop from falling was to remind myself that I at least I have had these experiences. The places I have travelled to and the adventures along the way. They are all just experiences that I have had and today is another experience, just different. This helped me to stay on the edge and gradually as I carried on with my arrangements to get to AB and go for a walk I was back on the solid ground and safe. Feeling happy, laughing, chatting about all sorts of other things, knowing I had had these thought and the feeling was still close enough to know how it had felt but gone.
I said to AB how scared I am that when I am feeling suicidal, it's very different from when in the past being in the depths of depression. Then it's such a grunge feeling that there is no energy often to follow the thoughts. And when I did before, it was when I was more energised but had no counter-balance of thinking, no knowledge. Now it's different I do have the rationale, and I know it will pass if I can get passed the period of darkness. But it's so vivid and energised. I know how I will do it. I know where to go to get what I need. I feel scared of the force of the thoughts, like a solid mass pushing me ease, little resistance. I feel scared of myself.
I am not coping with hormonal changes well. I feel ashamed of anyone reading this. At the same time it is a part of me. ANd I have nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who reads or knows me and judges me harshly has no understanding. I would not pass harsh judgement on anyone who tells me this sort of thing. I would be concerned. Not enough is truly known about such matters. It is mental health and of course that then provokes assertions. People assume negatively.
I have to go and get ready. I am anxious about this morning. Looking forward to meeting with JS this afternoon and then going to the Buddhist retreat for meditation. Yes that is at least something peaceful to look forward to. Even though I am concerned of being judged by JS funnily enough. I do not need to reveal anything and I remember too how everything seemed on the surface so great but I saw JS change over the days I stayed there when visiting Spain. I could see her own difficulties with herself. I am sure like me things have moved on. I am looking forward to seeing my friend though. We have shared a lot together in the past and I am glad we have been able to stay friends.
Right - get ready and zoom off
Bliss
XX
