I'm exhausted. I'm learning though.
It's less draining when I let go and stand back. I have to practice it but one of the outcomes is that I am less consumed by the goings on. And without the preoccupation I am less frazzled. It's not perfected by any means. Today I feel tired. And it has been a very full week.
Yesterday I was at Oxford University. Me? At Oxford Uni. It wasn't one of the more famous colleges, such as Magadalen. I was at Oxford Brookes, Headington Hill College of Social Sciences and Law. A beautiful old building although our lectures were in a makeshift prefab. The grouns were beautiful. And the sun was shining. It was warm enough to sit outside in a sleeveless top. Yipppppeeee. And I felt slim enough to take my cardigan off and felt free. This is a joy of receovery. As silly as that may sound. I could do it and almost without a thought. I did sit there thinking it was OK for me to take of my cardigan and feel the suns heat on my skin. It's been a long time since that has felt OK to do in public. The last time I truly remember that being OK was when I was in the Maldives and then I was very anorexic in my eating and thinking. I even felt too thin yet loved it. It's so baffling the mental illness that comes with all of this. Yesterday I felt OK, free and easy. Thank you God.
Although, I hasten to add I was feeling fat. I was on Friday as well. Even more so yesteray as I had given a lift to a fellow student who is painfully anorexic. She explained she has been near death and still dying from her illness. She hates the way she looks and has a desire to live but no desire to change her eating hbits. Walking, walking, walking is a part of her illness. This reminds me of the woman in my vilalge here. Walking, walking, walking but telling everyone it's to do with circulation. I wonder if she has treatment at all. C from yesterdays adventure has been discharged by the NHS having been diagnosed as chronic. Their prognosis is not good and there is no more support they can offer. I talked about FA. She showed an interest and apparently has already looked at the website. That is inspiring. I will send her some links and numbers to start calling. But she has to want to do some things very differntly. I was able to ask an FA'er politely whether she was anorexic when she came to FA. She was open about her situation. I explained the encounter I had and immediately S said to give her number to C. Here's the programme C if you want to do things differently and start living. It works. It really does!
Feeling fat and also sexualising feelings I think. I was interested in men to be interested in me. None of them was I actually attracted to but needing, needing, needing to be attractive to them. Ugh! I hate this. It's so vain and arrogant. And then the flipside is I don't feel good enough to be attractive to anyone anyway. I think anyone who might be interested would simply be after one thing and not really interested in me, the person. It's so flipping confusing. I am trying to work out why I've been feeling fat and sexualising. Analysing is not good for me. So instead, as my sponsor suggested and another FA, it's a reminder that this illness doesn't go away. Whether I'm standing at the refrigerator door trying not to eat or looking for men to find me attractive (only ever sexually when it's like that). Just indicators that the obsession is alive and kicking. If there's something underneath than it's not clear to me at this point. If I'm meant to know it will reveal itself in God's time not mine. I just need to hand this over to God and ask for God's help.
God please help me.
I have taken a decision (after talking with my sponsor too) to buy cheaper brands of food. I don't think I can bring myself to eat the cheaper salmon cuts as they are so fatty and look repulsive. I think I would reach when putting it in my mouth. However, I will buy cheaper veggies where I can. I worry about the GM produces and the unknown side effects.
I would love to buy from local farms but this is expensive too. Actually there are so many websites with different information - some saying tthick skinned veggies are less likely to absorb chemicals But then another that says aples and tomatoes do absorb chemicals or maybe it's that "they've" been GMing them. I remember reading somewhere or being told that tomatoes were being genetically modified with fish cells - bloody hell! Clever but dangerous too. Another site made sense to me because I think it's what I wanted to read - it's better to invest in organic proteins and get cheaper veggie products. It's flipping scary. But then I have a gall bladder full of gall stones apparently. The direct result of not taking care of my diet for probably most of my life. Fat gets stored and converted there perhaps and the doc said it can be as a result of rapid weight loss and/or gain. That's me. HIgh fat foods and rapid size and weight changes. So I need to buy price wisely and get on with it. Eating fresh anyway is surely better than whatI was eating!!
As I dropped C and T at Oxford railway station, it was a memory trip of Oxford. Times of visiting the City when I had lived in Aylesbury. Drinking evening with J, T and M. Then a visit to the Randolph for dinner and drinks through a work arrangement. I didn't ever really appreciate the luxury life I was dabbling with and now cannot even think of a coffee there. Bloody hell! It's how things are.
I am practicing my gratitude. I have a job. And I love the work. I have difficulties thatI am facing on a daily basis and this is helping me to grow. And I have a monthly salary coming in right now. On top of that during these increasingly difficult times financially I've had offeres of additional work after hours. This means longer days during already long days. However it's extra money that might help me get out of the current overdraft hole I'm in. I've asked the bank to consider refunding the charges. It's been passed on to the relevant department. I am hoping for a yes as this will help arrest the increasingly difficult situation. I have been getting some extra hours in already and this month there are even more hours I'm getting. I need to take it while it lasts. It's all too easy for me to say I'm so tired, when do I fet rest time, etc, etc, and forget to be gratefult that I have this opportunity. This is the situation and I've asked for help. It's arriving in ways I didn't think of and could easily be ungrateful of. A change of attitude is very good for my soul. I feel uplifted and fulfilled.
Similarly, when sitting lsitenign to B and A, I had a change of attitude. I noticed myself thinking, this is boring. I altered this thinking. I became interested in them and their thoughts and plans on things. Rather than be self-righteous and arrogant, I listened. I asked questions and listened some more. I was getting an understanding of them. They seem content. They were totally at ease with me eating my meal and had gone to the trouble of booking a restaurant that would allow me to eat my own food. They didn;t seem at all perturbed. They chatted and seem content with their life. I was looking for the anger and discontent in B. I think I see some issues there. Her lack of confidence and how that's also manifesting in her daughter. But I also see someone who is OK with things, not analysing that and getting on with what she has got rather than dwelling on what she hasn't. I'm very glad that it's not my life but that doesn't mean it's not OK for them.
It is nice thatI can keep in touch and meet up once in a while. I was close by so it made sense. It wasn't grand, in fact humble and that's OK in my book. I have little in terms of material and sometimes can hanker after the good life by proxy. However, it suited my budget.
How much easier it is for me to take this attitude and appreciate people for how they are. I also know that as much as they are likeable I have friends that are on a more similar wave length and interests and can spend more time with them. This is how the world works. I do not need to occlude the pbits that don't suit me. I can join in with everything and everyone to some degree. Love and peace and acceptance.
This is a good feel and one I will hope to nurture.
On Thursday I heard myself at the end of the day saying "No, you can't do it that way because ....." and at this point I realised I had said no and been obstructive to every suggestion LK had made. I stopped in my tracks and realised I could take a different approach. I could say things like "that sounds interesting" or "that's a new idea" or "I'm interested to know more". I'm not sure she actually does want others opinions unless they are in accordance with her own. So it is now about finding a way to express my opinions and concerns. I did and it seems that my prayers are working because she became more flexible and agreeable finding alternative ways to accommodate both old and her new ideas. I have to laugh because a part of me doesn't want her to sart being the things I wanted to start being first - agreeable, flexible, adaptable, approachable, dependable - etc. It's as if she has stolen my thunder. How arrogant of me yet again. She has made some attitude changes and God thank you as it made things a lot easier for me on Friday. I found a way to ask for help with the morning group. I asked her to lead and I would follow as I needed some guidance and training. There was one occasion where I asked some questions and gave feedback and she stepped in. I think I am getting it more - reflect less often, ask questions of each person and keep them coming in. The group did do a lot of the work it's true. I was able to observe the reactions and feed those back to the client the group were taling to. Afterwards, she made a call to implement some changes. It was remarkable. Whether she stickes with it and somehow I doubt she will, is another matter. I am suspicious of the codependence in her and think she will have changed her mind once again by the time she gets home.
It's her journey and she received the very appropriate feedback. Also each client was allowed to have their opinion and express it. But also I was able to ask them their own feelings and experiences where appropriate. I did like the acknowledgement to one client who is back but has experience of recovery. That was affirming. I see good pointers thatI can learn from. And also some things I don't want to pick up. That's healthy.
Humility shines through at times in me.
I need to go shopping and then come back and read. I have so many ideas for making learning notes but just no time to do it and then the time I could spend doing it ..... well I also need me time and rest time and chores time. Gosh this can seem tricky at times. Life is a game of balancing and that's something I'm not good at. I've always wanted things just how I want them and kicked up a stink when I didn't get them. Oh more joys of receovery.
So get dressed and get to the supermarket, refuel on the way back, bank the cheque from my first and only 1:1 session ha ha. And then into my books for a little while. Then off to AB's for 3pm for a lovely walk at Waggonners Wells in this gloriously warm sunshine. And I can without worrying about my size and the heat and sweating because I'm too lardy. Now it's because it's warm. Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
It's less draining when I let go and stand back. I have to practice it but one of the outcomes is that I am less consumed by the goings on. And without the preoccupation I am less frazzled. It's not perfected by any means. Today I feel tired. And it has been a very full week.
Yesterday I was at Oxford University. Me? At Oxford Uni. It wasn't one of the more famous colleges, such as Magadalen. I was at Oxford Brookes, Headington Hill College of Social Sciences and Law. A beautiful old building although our lectures were in a makeshift prefab. The grouns were beautiful. And the sun was shining. It was warm enough to sit outside in a sleeveless top. Yipppppeeee. And I felt slim enough to take my cardigan off and felt free. This is a joy of receovery. As silly as that may sound. I could do it and almost without a thought. I did sit there thinking it was OK for me to take of my cardigan and feel the suns heat on my skin. It's been a long time since that has felt OK to do in public. The last time I truly remember that being OK was when I was in the Maldives and then I was very anorexic in my eating and thinking. I even felt too thin yet loved it. It's so baffling the mental illness that comes with all of this. Yesterday I felt OK, free and easy. Thank you God.
Although, I hasten to add I was feeling fat. I was on Friday as well. Even more so yesteray as I had given a lift to a fellow student who is painfully anorexic. She explained she has been near death and still dying from her illness. She hates the way she looks and has a desire to live but no desire to change her eating hbits. Walking, walking, walking is a part of her illness. This reminds me of the woman in my vilalge here. Walking, walking, walking but telling everyone it's to do with circulation. I wonder if she has treatment at all. C from yesterdays adventure has been discharged by the NHS having been diagnosed as chronic. Their prognosis is not good and there is no more support they can offer. I talked about FA. She showed an interest and apparently has already looked at the website. That is inspiring. I will send her some links and numbers to start calling. But she has to want to do some things very differntly. I was able to ask an FA'er politely whether she was anorexic when she came to FA. She was open about her situation. I explained the encounter I had and immediately S said to give her number to C. Here's the programme C if you want to do things differently and start living. It works. It really does!
Feeling fat and also sexualising feelings I think. I was interested in men to be interested in me. None of them was I actually attracted to but needing, needing, needing to be attractive to them. Ugh! I hate this. It's so vain and arrogant. And then the flipside is I don't feel good enough to be attractive to anyone anyway. I think anyone who might be interested would simply be after one thing and not really interested in me, the person. It's so flipping confusing. I am trying to work out why I've been feeling fat and sexualising. Analysing is not good for me. So instead, as my sponsor suggested and another FA, it's a reminder that this illness doesn't go away. Whether I'm standing at the refrigerator door trying not to eat or looking for men to find me attractive (only ever sexually when it's like that). Just indicators that the obsession is alive and kicking. If there's something underneath than it's not clear to me at this point. If I'm meant to know it will reveal itself in God's time not mine. I just need to hand this over to God and ask for God's help.
God please help me.
I have taken a decision (after talking with my sponsor too) to buy cheaper brands of food. I don't think I can bring myself to eat the cheaper salmon cuts as they are so fatty and look repulsive. I think I would reach when putting it in my mouth. However, I will buy cheaper veggies where I can. I worry about the GM produces and the unknown side effects.
I would love to buy from local farms but this is expensive too. Actually there are so many websites with different information - some saying tthick skinned veggies are less likely to absorb chemicals But then another that says aples and tomatoes do absorb chemicals or maybe it's that "they've" been GMing them. I remember reading somewhere or being told that tomatoes were being genetically modified with fish cells - bloody hell! Clever but dangerous too. Another site made sense to me because I think it's what I wanted to read - it's better to invest in organic proteins and get cheaper veggie products. It's flipping scary. But then I have a gall bladder full of gall stones apparently. The direct result of not taking care of my diet for probably most of my life. Fat gets stored and converted there perhaps and the doc said it can be as a result of rapid weight loss and/or gain. That's me. HIgh fat foods and rapid size and weight changes. So I need to buy price wisely and get on with it. Eating fresh anyway is surely better than whatI was eating!!
As I dropped C and T at Oxford railway station, it was a memory trip of Oxford. Times of visiting the City when I had lived in Aylesbury. Drinking evening with J, T and M. Then a visit to the Randolph for dinner and drinks through a work arrangement. I didn't ever really appreciate the luxury life I was dabbling with and now cannot even think of a coffee there. Bloody hell! It's how things are.
I am practicing my gratitude. I have a job. And I love the work. I have difficulties thatI am facing on a daily basis and this is helping me to grow. And I have a monthly salary coming in right now. On top of that during these increasingly difficult times financially I've had offeres of additional work after hours. This means longer days during already long days. However it's extra money that might help me get out of the current overdraft hole I'm in. I've asked the bank to consider refunding the charges. It's been passed on to the relevant department. I am hoping for a yes as this will help arrest the increasingly difficult situation. I have been getting some extra hours in already and this month there are even more hours I'm getting. I need to take it while it lasts. It's all too easy for me to say I'm so tired, when do I fet rest time, etc, etc, and forget to be gratefult that I have this opportunity. This is the situation and I've asked for help. It's arriving in ways I didn't think of and could easily be ungrateful of. A change of attitude is very good for my soul. I feel uplifted and fulfilled.
Similarly, when sitting lsitenign to B and A, I had a change of attitude. I noticed myself thinking, this is boring. I altered this thinking. I became interested in them and their thoughts and plans on things. Rather than be self-righteous and arrogant, I listened. I asked questions and listened some more. I was getting an understanding of them. They seem content. They were totally at ease with me eating my meal and had gone to the trouble of booking a restaurant that would allow me to eat my own food. They didn;t seem at all perturbed. They chatted and seem content with their life. I was looking for the anger and discontent in B. I think I see some issues there. Her lack of confidence and how that's also manifesting in her daughter. But I also see someone who is OK with things, not analysing that and getting on with what she has got rather than dwelling on what she hasn't. I'm very glad that it's not my life but that doesn't mean it's not OK for them.
It is nice thatI can keep in touch and meet up once in a while. I was close by so it made sense. It wasn't grand, in fact humble and that's OK in my book. I have little in terms of material and sometimes can hanker after the good life by proxy. However, it suited my budget.
How much easier it is for me to take this attitude and appreciate people for how they are. I also know that as much as they are likeable I have friends that are on a more similar wave length and interests and can spend more time with them. This is how the world works. I do not need to occlude the pbits that don't suit me. I can join in with everything and everyone to some degree. Love and peace and acceptance.
This is a good feel and one I will hope to nurture.
On Thursday I heard myself at the end of the day saying "No, you can't do it that way because ....." and at this point I realised I had said no and been obstructive to every suggestion LK had made. I stopped in my tracks and realised I could take a different approach. I could say things like "that sounds interesting" or "that's a new idea" or "I'm interested to know more". I'm not sure she actually does want others opinions unless they are in accordance with her own. So it is now about finding a way to express my opinions and concerns. I did and it seems that my prayers are working because she became more flexible and agreeable finding alternative ways to accommodate both old and her new ideas. I have to laugh because a part of me doesn't want her to sart being the things I wanted to start being first - agreeable, flexible, adaptable, approachable, dependable - etc. It's as if she has stolen my thunder. How arrogant of me yet again. She has made some attitude changes and God thank you as it made things a lot easier for me on Friday. I found a way to ask for help with the morning group. I asked her to lead and I would follow as I needed some guidance and training. There was one occasion where I asked some questions and gave feedback and she stepped in. I think I am getting it more - reflect less often, ask questions of each person and keep them coming in. The group did do a lot of the work it's true. I was able to observe the reactions and feed those back to the client the group were taling to. Afterwards, she made a call to implement some changes. It was remarkable. Whether she stickes with it and somehow I doubt she will, is another matter. I am suspicious of the codependence in her and think she will have changed her mind once again by the time she gets home.
It's her journey and she received the very appropriate feedback. Also each client was allowed to have their opinion and express it. But also I was able to ask them their own feelings and experiences where appropriate. I did like the acknowledgement to one client who is back but has experience of recovery. That was affirming. I see good pointers thatI can learn from. And also some things I don't want to pick up. That's healthy.
Humility shines through at times in me.
I need to go shopping and then come back and read. I have so many ideas for making learning notes but just no time to do it and then the time I could spend doing it ..... well I also need me time and rest time and chores time. Gosh this can seem tricky at times. Life is a game of balancing and that's something I'm not good at. I've always wanted things just how I want them and kicked up a stink when I didn't get them. Oh more joys of receovery.
So get dressed and get to the supermarket, refuel on the way back, bank the cheque from my first and only 1:1 session ha ha. And then into my books for a little while. Then off to AB's for 3pm for a lovely walk at Waggonners Wells in this gloriously warm sunshine. And I can without worrying about my size and the heat and sweating because I'm too lardy. Now it's because it's warm. Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
