Short term gains, Bliss, that don't feel good and make sense, can lead to long term pains.
Get smart,
The Universe
Harry Houdini's 137th birthday - so Google says anyway
Oh! I wonder if those people who find anger difficult not only mistakenly mix up the emotion (anger and it's various levels i.e. frustration, irritation, fury, murderous etc) with the behaviour (rebellion, sarcasm, shouting, ranting, violence, cruelty etc) BUT also mix up how some people hold on to anger. Because actually the expression of anger appropriately is the way to start letting go. It passes if it's let out. If suppressed or not permitted it is there still, lingering and taking shape in other ways.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Buddha quote.
I was horrified that my manager came and asked me to postpone my leave - AGAIN! Is he truly that mad? I said NO. Several times even with his bribes of extra money and giving me some extra days as a way of making up for it. What's more he made the offer saying so long as I didn't tell anyone! This company is crazy. And I am disappointed that he even thought it was OK to do that. Especially when I said last week that I was not prepared to cancel my leave so they had plenty of time to sort things out. Yet who is actually the one left trying to sort it out? Yes you guessed it. ME! Man! What is it that people don;t actually care enough and feel able to take responsibility. But then I am frustrated about myself because I don't like to see things done that will leave good staff in the shit. So I fill in the gaps. They are management and they are paid to do the job. I still haven't heard anything. I will reiterate that I am not prepared to keep standing up beyond the call of my job description without some remuneration. The system is such that they do not have a structure that actually works. It's not my job. Grrrr grrrr grrrr - offloading. Anyway! Man, it's so frustrating and disappointing.
I am frazzled.
I can see too that I have some fear that if I don;t stand up for the job, then someone else will and I will be actually overlooked and have no grounds for negotiating an increase. I am dispensable so I should not think I am the only one. However, there is also being valued. And they praise me enough, in writing as well. But they are so flipping mean. I am still horrified that they deducted 2 1/2 hours from me when I was off sick but still worked from home. Holding onto anger as Buddha says ends up only burning me. I need to tell them again and again though that I am dissatisfied.
But if someone keeps on doing something, seemingly willingly, then how would anyone not take advantage of that. I am sure I do in many ways. I am so flipping the other way at work - I try to avoid giving work to others before have done as much as I can. Delegating is a valuable skill. Delegating effectively is something even more valuable. Helping another to achieve more and rewarding their ability.
I have been working with a client very closed down and in such denial. He has not shifted at all even with a group that have really given him insightful feedback, challenged him and supported him. He just is defended with double layers of Fort Knox. It has been frustrating people left right and centre. Including me at times. I also know his story and now that inside his defence system s a little boy so so hurt, Today I saw him cry. He privately showed me his vulnerability, momentarily. I know he's in there somewhere. I am trying to offer him suggestions to continue with some therapy. I am sure with time trust could be developed. But he leaves soon ........
I phoned my dad tonight. I told him that I had messed up with my diary and actually am at Uni on Saturday. It's taken me over a week to make the call but I did it and before he had called me to arrange the meeting. Anyway now he will let me know about the dates I suggested for the following week. Sunday seems to be a day when he is NOT available. When his wife answered the phone she said "here's your dad" when I said it was me. Ew she can be not such a nice lady.
I miss my mum. I truly do. I want to talk to her and get a cuddle from her and reassurance that actually I am OK. I don't feel too OK right now. I feel all wrong and cannot see the point of life!
Two weeks of no contact with JH and it's certainly easier as I am not getting hurt. But I hurt anyway. I think about him so often, well all the time unless I am working - it's so busy it takes my mind off him and all the hurt. It will pass, it will pass, it will pass.
I know I want someone who is honest and gradually I will retrieve myself. Doesn't mean that the lovely things weren't lovely. They really were.
I guess JH just wants different things from me. Like he wants to explore different things with different women. No commitment. If only he could have been honest about that from the start. Maybe of course I am wrong but nonetheless he seems to need or want a woman or more about him. I hope that whatever is happening for him he has all he wants and needs and is finding happiness and all those connected with him are happy too.
What I am glad about is that I am working through the feelings and not fixing them - I will get to the other side and therefore be better placed not to carry them with me as unresolved, or temporarily fixed.
I do not miss SL at all. I am not sure if I will ever return. I had a lot of experiences and met a lot of people but for now anyway I am firmly in RL and want to make the most of each day if I can as all I have is this day.
