Wisdom arrives in silence, Bliss.
Shhhhhhh,
The Universe
Shhhhhhh,
The Universe
Friday 11 March 2011
Death and dying
I have no words anymore to describe how I feel.
I am a broken person. I know this shall pass. I am trying to hold onto that strongly.
Tonight I went to a beautiful meeting and sat listening to laughter and love amidst people.
I find it difficult to write even to myself that actually I have felt deathly. That I have even worked out how.
I have not felt so devastated for such a long time. I want to feel life again. I want to know the Universe again.
I hope I can get there. Goodbye
Hello JH
I am writing this email with a heavy heart.
I need some healing time.
I really am disliking the person I become when I speak with you. It is not the person I know myself to be.
The deep hurt and pain I feel turns into anger and I am miserable and say things I really don't mean and later regret, such as saying you have been fickle or that your love wasn't deep. I really don't mean this and am sorry for speaking in my anger, my sadness, my confusion. We all get less light going through difficult things.
I would prefer to be the happy, lively, light and the passionate person I know I am, when I speak with you.
And so partly to preserve my dignity and grace, but mainly to give myself space to heal, I would like some time without contact with you. I feel sure you will understand.
I can honestly say I have not loved like I have loved you. And I showed that by letting you right into my soul. I have always enjoyed the discussions we can have about art and life and all things Universal.
JH you are a remarkable man.
I hope that the changes in your life over the next weeks and months can be smooth and with the least pain as possible.
I hope too that you continue to embrace all your passions and achieve everything you want and need.
Bliss
Dear, dear Bliss-
I have been thinking about this all day, on my way and working in Delft- Yes, I've been heavy too, with things all around me and between us.
I can see the real you- You are most amazing and I'm still glad we met, and I know you-
I'm sure you felt how much I truely did love you, and yes I did feel you-
I don't know myself to be remarkable- I would like you to explain some time when we meet again, when the time is there-
I hope you will remember and get in touch if and when you feel it is right for you-
Take care, bless you-
Bliss
It's lovely. I'm very proud of you. You are such a beautiful, funny, creative and odd soul and very very special lady to me. He was never right for you. His heart is poorly.
This isn't easy but the trick for us is creating lives of our own that are meaningful and fun and fulfilling. Then we won't reach for our addictions to feel alive.
ET
AM has been really just hearing all that was and what is now. No judgement but celebrating me taking care of myself. The sadness of all that I had hoped for not being possible now.
ML commented on how from very early on I was hurt by the untruths and deception.
JB just listens and then tries to crack jokes and find things to make me laugh. :))
T relates with my hope for something beautiful being dashed and how I am left feeling crumpled and hopeless. So sad.
Thank goodness for friends listening whatever their thoughts and judgements
I am a broken person. I know this shall pass. I am trying to hold onto that strongly.
Tonight I went to a beautiful meeting and sat listening to laughter and love amidst people.
I find it difficult to write even to myself that actually I have felt deathly. That I have even worked out how.
I have not felt so devastated for such a long time. I want to feel life again. I want to know the Universe again.
I hope I can get there. Goodbye
Hello JH
I am writing this email with a heavy heart.
I need some healing time.
I really am disliking the person I become when I speak with you. It is not the person I know myself to be.
The deep hurt and pain I feel turns into anger and I am miserable and say things I really don't mean and later regret, such as saying you have been fickle or that your love wasn't deep. I really don't mean this and am sorry for speaking in my anger, my sadness, my confusion. We all get less light going through difficult things.
I would prefer to be the happy, lively, light and the passionate person I know I am, when I speak with you.
And so partly to preserve my dignity and grace, but mainly to give myself space to heal, I would like some time without contact with you. I feel sure you will understand.
I can honestly say I have not loved like I have loved you. And I showed that by letting you right into my soul. I have always enjoyed the discussions we can have about art and life and all things Universal.
JH you are a remarkable man.
I hope that the changes in your life over the next weeks and months can be smooth and with the least pain as possible.
I hope too that you continue to embrace all your passions and achieve everything you want and need.
Bliss
Dear, dear Bliss-
I have been thinking about this all day, on my way and working in Delft- Yes, I've been heavy too, with things all around me and between us.
I can see the real you- You are most amazing and I'm still glad we met, and I know you-
I'm sure you felt how much I truely did love you, and yes I did feel you-
I don't know myself to be remarkable- I would like you to explain some time when we meet again, when the time is there-
I hope you will remember and get in touch if and when you feel it is right for you-
Take care, bless you-
Bliss
It's lovely. I'm very proud of you. You are such a beautiful, funny, creative and odd soul and very very special lady to me. He was never right for you. His heart is poorly.
This isn't easy but the trick for us is creating lives of our own that are meaningful and fun and fulfilling. Then we won't reach for our addictions to feel alive.
ET
AM has been really just hearing all that was and what is now. No judgement but celebrating me taking care of myself. The sadness of all that I had hoped for not being possible now.
ML commented on how from very early on I was hurt by the untruths and deception.
JB just listens and then tries to crack jokes and find things to make me laugh. :))
T relates with my hope for something beautiful being dashed and how I am left feeling crumpled and hopeless. So sad.
Thank goodness for friends listening whatever their thoughts and judgements
Dog poo
"Hi - just thought we'd bring you up-to-date with the latest development on Lisa's treatment. To recap she was referred to a specialist at the Royal Marsden Hospital a couple of weeks ago by her consultant at Maidstone. The man at the Royal couldn't really help with surgery at the moment but has called in another man - Professor Stan Kaye - one of the top men in this field. He has seen her case history and has now taken her on board by recommending another spell of chemo and he has liaised with the team at Maidstone who will be administering this treatment but under his guidance. She has to go to Maidstone next week to see the consultant there who will inform her of when it will be started etc. Hopefully this will be successful but the professor did add that if it does not have the answer then she will go to the Royal Marsden and join his drug trials he is in charge of.
Will keep you informed of any future developments and only hope that it will all good news from now on!Thanks for your interest and kind messages . . . "
L&R
I received this from my aunt and uncle. I feel better on occasions that I have direct contact with my cousin. I felt so, so sad when she was explaining her situation. I think my uncle who sent the general statement email is just not able to connect witht he enormity of his emotions about this. He stays very cold. I can;t say I blame him. And my aunt is just beside herself. It seems sort of unbelievable to me.
It really is at the stage when the Consultant is now trialling unlicensed drugs. My cousin said she would eat dog poo if she thought it would work. I cried for her. And for her girls.
What I wondered is how come when I have wanted to die, she is dying and only aged 41 years. Of course this adds to my confusion about why bad things happen to good people. I know, I know. We are to wonder why? We do not know nor understand the purpose. I prayed for my mum to be present for my cousin. And it was after that I dreamt of her skin on my skin. I could really feel her. It was lovely. I love those dreams. I miss my mum.
Bliss
X
Will keep you informed of any future developments and only hope that it will all good news from now on!Thanks for your interest and kind messages . . . "
L&R
I received this from my aunt and uncle. I feel better on occasions that I have direct contact with my cousin. I felt so, so sad when she was explaining her situation. I think my uncle who sent the general statement email is just not able to connect witht he enormity of his emotions about this. He stays very cold. I can;t say I blame him. And my aunt is just beside herself. It seems sort of unbelievable to me.
It really is at the stage when the Consultant is now trialling unlicensed drugs. My cousin said she would eat dog poo if she thought it would work. I cried for her. And for her girls.
What I wondered is how come when I have wanted to die, she is dying and only aged 41 years. Of course this adds to my confusion about why bad things happen to good people. I know, I know. We are to wonder why? We do not know nor understand the purpose. I prayed for my mum to be present for my cousin. And it was after that I dreamt of her skin on my skin. I could really feel her. It was lovely. I love those dreams. I miss my mum.
Bliss
X
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