The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rule book. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don;t have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly, If it fee;s like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don;t act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits - healthy boundaries - isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, we'll see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
As I read this I can really see how I have been trying to make JH be in love with me. Trying to stop him from acting out with others so he would be able to really assess his feelings from a standing still point. I cannot do this. JH has to do and be who he is. I need to let go of that. I still sit here in hope that he will make one final call to say he in love with me all along and we can have all that I hoped for. This is not how it is. I need to let go.
I can see too how I have been trying different ways. But how freeing it is to realise that I have been doing my best and that I have made mistakes. I didn't take care of myself too well. I am uncertain of the appropriate action. I have been trying to just be friends, but then how it's felt for me is that I take the hook that is thrown out for me. Perhaps it never was a hook from JH but that's what it's seemed like. The level of communication between us and the getting along has seemed more than just friendly. I think at times I did say my feelings even though just this last call on Sunday JH said that he didn't know how I was feeling. So I was biting on what seemed like a hook and then just as seemed to be reeled in I have been thrown out again.
And I know I go on and on about it but all along JH has been lying, to me, to others. This I don't understand what it is about me that I don't take care of me. I have known and challenged and then trusted again and then more lies and betrayal and then talked into trusting again.
Whilst I can relate to the lying for the sake of all sorts of underlying issues, I do not think it is OK. And I also know hat things take time in growth but it is also easy to start being truthful or decent. I guess I am just angry about this because it hurts so so much. What I have learnt in a very hard lesson is the importance of honesty with my friends. It is respect. If I am to truly be a friend or someday a lover then I would want to be as honest and open as I know how to be. I am very willing to keep practicing this on a daily basis. It is essential in my work and even more essential with the people I value. Thank you for this lesson.
I just have been wanting to be loved and to be able to love someone I really was inspired by and liked. JH tells me he has loved me and was in love with me. I feel very sad that his love for me has been mixed up with acting out - which he denies again now despite me reading the emails that were dated all through the time we were seeing each other. It's all be so very very messy.
I have vomited thinking about how I was giving the very all of me and yet JH was being sexual or intimate even with others during the same period. It's no wonder I felt untrusting because truths weren't being told. And all so unnecessary. I would have been his slave anyway. There was o need for lies. It was none of my business at the stage he took it further and then starting telling me too wanted monogamy and was boundaried etc etc. I just don't understand why he needed to do that to me. Or how I have allowed it to happen. Well I do as well. I am very vulnerable in many ways. And have once again become overly trusting. I need to learn to be more discerning and realise that discernment requires and deserves some time. At least we have both found out before there was more at stake.
Right now I have a broken heart. I feel a massive sense of loss. I feel sad that I have no access right now to just the things that are likeable. I feel angry at having been taken advantage of regardless of whether it was intentional or not - I like to think not. I feel oh so hurt that I let JH right right right into my soul. It was my choice but I also thought I was allowing someone in who would be as careful with my soul as they would their own.
I feel baffled how this has all come to this. I am certain that JH is a very lovely person - the things that I see that are wonderful are really there. I also see behaviour that is not lovely. This maybe taking inventory. I have been on the receiving end and I have a big part to play in this. I also have not behaved in the way I would like to. I do not like how controlling I have become, in my effort for JH to see the way things are so that he can change and love me after all. I have said things that I would rather not have said. I don't like that I have become quite traumatised by all of this. The consequences of not being discerning and taking time.
I have a lot to learn. I would like to be able to simply treasure all that is good in JH and not have all this other stuff fall upon us, me, him.
But this is how it is. Sadly it really is.
The reading? Well I am uncertain what is appropriate right now. Thankfully I have good friends who can help me see balance. I like the careful wording of being responsible to others but nor for others and also self-responsibility. I know that I am responsible for loving me first and foremost. I am a very lovable person with a lot of good traits. I have incredibly great friends which I think is a reflection on me. And I am surrounded by these people. I also reflect them.
I have a poem for all of these feelings I have.
Perhaps I will share it although right now it seems so incredibly private and precious to just me.
I also have very very weird feelings in connection with my cousins diagnosis and the whole sense of tragedy and waste. A mix of memories of all the years.
I felt very strongly this evening talking to AB and realising how she cannot possibly allow feelings around such an issue as it would mean she might touch her own emotions. And this I believe is so painful but fills her with the anger that she lives in. I love AB so much and pray that some day she will be able to make a change that will bring her freedom before she dies. I pray for freedom for each and every one of us. Be rid of the shackles and the destructive behaviours - however little or small the wreckage. No more!
Instead - love, respect, wise choices, dignity, discernment, lightness, peace, bliss, fun, fresh air, closeness.
Just a few to start with.
No one is to blame but we are all capable of taking responsibility once we admit and accept. Loo at the ensuing chaos and choose to do everything very, very differently
The Universe is in us - let us sense you and live you.
Bliss
XX
My text to AM -
I spoke with JH. Just didn't feel ready or right not sure which to send cut contact email. Realised as I was talking that I was actually mainly angry with him for not being in love with me. Also very angry about the lies. If it was all above board wouldn't be hurting now or differently. Anyway realised if I accept situation it is possible to move forward. Well for today. He does tell lies so not wanting friendship but can be friendly today. Not hurting quite as much. Wish things were different but this is how it is. Would like to have a true loving relationship with someone. Invite that into my life. Glad I have courage to not take less than my wishes. Even though I have kicked and screamed and faltered to get to today. Hope it lasts tomorrow and here on.
