Mad Sad Bad and Glad

I am speaking with SC this evening. The emotions within me are moutainous and feel overwhelming. I am actually fearful. I feel insane.
I really, truly can see what he has meant when I eroticise the rage within me. Getting home this afternoon after a lovely time with AB, walking,talking, sharing poetry and relaxing, instantly the emotions were on me. I was so tired after little sleep, I went for an afternoon snooze. I knew that I needed this particularly as I didn;t want the meditation this. evening to turn into a sleep. Once in bed the rage was so present and my thoughts turned to being controlled. Whilst I was talking to AM this monring I identified that when I was very young, I had machinations similar to those that were acted out through SL with the M/s scenarios. I felt disgusted and ashamed. I find it very difficult to tell anyone. And yet there I was so involved with it and wanting it and gaining from it as well. I also felt sad for a little girl who is fantasising about those sort of things. Is that common I wonder or is it the result of a distorted relationship with my father?
Of course I would meet people who would encourage and support that and make it right. Why on earth would he/they have changed since. They will be pursuing that of course. It's me that wants healing fom my past so I need change.
This morning I was so enraged, I wanted to truly bring about downfall and hurt others. It's the little girl in me that was so hurt and violated. Kicking out. I need somewhere to place the enormity of this anger and I cannot palce it with my father. I want him to love me and he's an old man now. So of course seeking out men that in some unconcious way represent him and then their behaviour enrages me I can place it on them. It's not all conscious but I am seeing things a little clearer afterwards.
The problem is by trying to keep a track then I am just re-traumatising and re-tiggering the rage and feeling insane. Well I think it is like that.
I need to go food shopping now. Pah! That instead of a wonderful meditation. But I do need SC's help.
I am ashamed of the deep desire within me to enact M/s despite being absolutely aroused and engrossed in and desiring it more than anything else. I am flitting between wanting it now and being disgusted. I know thaty I need tos tay away but it seems easier than having to deal with my own feelings. Being controlled utterly seems right for me and I don't really understand why.
I wonder if it's in a way related to the contolling of the enormous emotions within me. The rage that feels currently like a volcano erupting with such a force. But if a man contols me then it sort of contains that. And the sexual acting out ? I am not quite sure about that at this time. I know that it is related. There is the ability to enjoy sex because someone else is giving me permission to. That certainly plays a big part. I think the desire to please the man is so so strong in me. If I pelase him he will be pleased with me and love me. But it's always going to be an unequal relationship because I feel unworthy.

I am writing this Friday morning now. Good Friday here in the UK.
As you can tell my thinking is all over the place. Yesterday was a particularly difficult time for a lot of the day. It was lovely once I calmed down and was with AB, reading poetry and then walking. We had lunch and then In returned home. It seemed a long haul in front of me. I ended up not going to Cittaviveka as the call with SC was scheduled for 2020. I would rather be at home in private than have to walk out early from the meditation and then sit and talk in the car.
SC reminded me that I need to contain the rage and it's not OK to act out on it. The not acting out has been the difficult part. However, I did manage not to during the vening. I told him how scared I felt. He suggested Secondary once again to really get  safe environment to once and for all work through the trauma that has once again be re-traumatised withing the relationship and the ending of with JH. I didn't think it was like that. But then I had never actually enacted the M/s relationship before. It had only ever been a fantasy. And it was all muddled up too. With him saying he wanted more but then as we already now behaving differently from that. It was really traumatising I can see that now. Of course he was unaware of the trauma within me and that is the danger of dabbling I suppose in such matters. I don;t know what's driving him either. I wonder if anyone involved in M/s is not full of issues. I would like to understand more the patterns of people and what is so appealing to the majority. That is a psychological interest i now have as a result of my experience. I can;t say I didn't enjoy it. I did. But I have a feeling it was tapping into something psychological in me.

What I need is to stay completely away. And I will. Something deep was triggered in me. Each time it's getting deeper inside or maybe more is available to be triggered.

SO SC reminded me that I needed to ave the rage boundaried, that I could not act out whilst the rage is rising. I realise it's juts not OK for the rage to be let loose. It needs to be witnesed and held. SO I managed to not overeat and managed not to engage with any looking or sexual acting out. Which doesn;t mean actually engaging in any sex or contact. But looking for it.

I got to bed calmer and actually pleased with making it through the day and night without any damage to myself in any way whatsoever.

I know that I have many good qualities and have qualities that are valuable. I love my friends and there is a spiritual tranqulity that I can embrace at times. Tis deep issue from childhood is something that I would like to heal and move beyond. I think it is magnified by the hormonal changes. But I do not think it is any less real and huge. I get scared that if I let go I will never again be in contact with all that feels very spiritual. All the things that I lvoe and enjoy - art, outdoors world, LouLou, people (loving kind gentle real people), spiritual engagements. I truly have all those very deep inside me but alongside this trauma and black stuff.
Please God, please please God help me.

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the
bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do
Thy will always!

I do feel very sad and lonely today. It is Good Friday, a day when I would have in the past been with my mum (and my dad). I miss her and the totoal safety that she provided and meant to me. I always had somewhere to go and someone to love me. Now there is just me and sometimes that feels scary and lonely. I feel such a little girl and having to do grown up things and look after myself. And then I go and meeet people that cannot look after me. I need to grow more. And stop playing dangerous games where I get even more hurt.

I will sketch something that has been in mind to do. And I enjoy doing that. This will be experimental which always is frightening because I want it to turn out exactly how it is in my mind and when it doesn't I turn to the thinking that I am incapable. So istead I will just go with it.
Then I will call C from the meeting - I have not returned her 2 missed calls. Then I will call AB and arrange our walk for today. Then this evening I will go to the Friday meeting.

No plans for Saturday yet. Walk, meeting is all I know so far. I think I would like to get to the shpos too to change or refund the clothes I have bought.
2 more weeks off and I will timetable the studying to have a mix of work and rest.

Bliss
XX

Red Rum

My dream this morning was so full of anger.
I think we were on a cruise of some sort. I am not sure who we is. I was with a man that I neither know nor recognise. He seemed to be my partner. But as a result of something between him and another guy on the boat, I had to do certain things and where clothes in a certain way.
One of the crew, which later evolved into being at a bar, I was given something that was completely wrong for the ways n which I was supposed to do things. The controlling man saw and just smiled knowingly. I got really cross with the barman. I started screaming at him. I said that if he did not do things correctly I would suffer. I called him a c.u.n.t., which is not a word I am accustomed to using. I pushed through the queuing crowd behind me and was sitting outside the bar, knowing I was not allowed to go far. It was too late anyway, whatever it was I was supposed to do I had already failed on and would have to do something else for this man. I could hear the barman saying that if it was him in charge he wouldn't have arranged things as they were he would have done it differently. I saw red. I charged back in swearing and cursing, that yes we all knew that but it wasn't how it was and he wasn't in charge. I started smashing the place up, pushing things off the bar and smashing things.
Then I woke up. I knew that in my dream I felt charged by this outrage. It felt very powerful. IN parallel I felt ashamed of the explosion and in front of so many people. They could see my destruction, yet inside it's such enormous rage, desperately wanting someone to witness and be able to contain this level of fury. It can be murderous and the person I want to murder is me.
I know it relates to age old anger and anguish from my childhood. And then a journey into adulthood of dysfunctional relationships, which were led by my desire just to be loved.
I was reading littlegirlyone this morning. I am assuming the writing is from real emotions. Anyhow I could relate to her writing. I have a desire to be little and therefore lovable and I know that comes out in my food practices, anorexic when younger, bulimic as the anorexia became more difficult to sustain and, of course, this is just a way of controlling overeating. My food right now is in order. I am eating 3 healthy meals per day and allowed myself an ice cream whilst out yesterday. I planned for it.
I also read about this woman's description of the comfort taken from orgasm and the need to masturbate. That is a problem, it is a need for comfort and not sexual. There should be other ways to take comfort. I want someone to comfort me through nurturing and cuddling, someone to go to who is safe and tell them I am scared. Instead at an early age and with quite disturbing images I learnt how to masturbate to comfort. That meant I didn't need to tell anyone about my fears of other emotions.
Someone once asked the question if being a slave was somehow related to childhood sexual abuse. Well I am not sure it is specifically related to penetrative sex or that solely. But I can certainly see connections for myself in the need for a man who is in control to care for me. Not necessarily that they have to love but that they want me and want to take care of me. Before JH said that he too would want a monogamous relationship, I was prepared to work through my difficulties of being a slave that had no rights about other interests and women and to be available when needed and work through my issues somehow when not. I can relate that to my relationship in childhood directly.
God it's so painful to see it. And so sad too that it's how I have tried to heal my little girl. I am still very turned on by the dynamic. I read this morning some pages having received a prompt of a blog via my email. I found myself conjuring ways to ask my Master to take me back and train me properly.
The healthy side of me screams at little sad, hurt, lost me. Little hurt lost me doesn't know how else to be loved. It seems the only way. The other me seems unlovable and completely in a mess.
Gosh though I have put in so much work - I am on the brink, keep sticking with the way that others say is healthier or go back to what is familiar. There will surely be a Master who would take me on. Then all I would have to be concerned with is pleasing him and keep reminding myself to put me aside. Get it right for him and he will allow me pleasure through orgasm.
As I write it, even though I can see it is a mediocre existence it is tempting so that I avoid all the incredibly painful emotions of the supposed healthy route. Abstinence, fellowship, step work, therapy.
I think the difficulty was mixing the two. JH mixed the two and it was not as if we had a relationship based on anything first. It was the other way around. I don't understand to this day why he didn't just use his Masters voice to say that this is the way he wanted things and it was nothing to do with me. If he was comfortable with who and how he was he had not need to pretend - he had a willing and giving slave, me. Strange really.


Right now I want to follow the "healthier" route. That means I need to stay away. How close I was again to write to JH and ask if he would take me back as his slave and this time I would be a really good slave if he would show me how to be. Close. Anything other than feel the feelings I have. Which are even emerging through my dreams.
My friends are aware of the closeness to this but they don't know the completeness of my thinking - the sexual involvement. I think I need to see SC. He reminds me how I eroticise the anger.This is coinciding with some of the hormonal symptoms subsiding once again. And getting my figure back quickly too so feeling sexier day by day. God! It's so mixed up and complex.
I don't want to go to SLAA - I couldn't share about all this openly anyway. I could take on a sponsor again in SLAA.
IS there such a thing as normalised M/s relationships. Perhaps if in a loving relationship, it can be a way of spicing the sexuality in the relationship? Not everyone of course is addictive or has messy issues that they are covering up through sexual acting out. At the same time when I look at it from the outside, well it raises questions.
I have no idea what is normal or not. No idea at all.

So up at 7 am - out walking and back to write. I am studying this week. My final chance to catch up and I think I might be ready to return to work next week. I need to see my GP. I will call and book an appointment. I will call SC too for an appointment.

I wonder if JH continues to be fascinated and involved with M/s? I wonder if he is honest with ES and others? I wonder if he is making changes too or if he really is actually quite happy with the way he is?
Anyway I shall never know as he was unable to be open with me. I would never know what is the actual truth I suppose.

It was funny last evening as ML reminded me not to make contact. And not with any other man either. I agree that it would be right an proper! I need to focus on my feelings and find the way to heal them.

OK - at least I am lifted in my mood so that I am not suicidal. I can see a path that I would like to follow that seems good and loving. I enjoy company with my good friends, who are stimulating and inquisitive too. I thought I would be lost without JH to bring my attention to things but I find I have that inquisitive mind myself and therefore I encounter things on my own. Then my friends are similar and some actually bring new interests. I was not dependant at all on that from him, I just thought I was. In just the way I always used to think no one could match up to my dad. Wow how I see the patterns.

OK OK - phone calls - lots to do.
And a walk to look forward to this afternoon, a meeting this evening and then home to bed for an early night.

Bliss
XX

ps. I see how other people shut their heads down with TV. Not having had one for so long now I still have to find ways to try and slow down the thinking - escapism came through SL - appeased the constant desire to be interacting with people I think.

Waiting

Waiting

Master on my mind,
A gentle touch of my puffy, fleshy nipples.
Evoking fluttering, tickling feelings
And something more than that.
As my firming nipples, stand erect,
The sensation moves,
Tingling through my body.
A delicate twinge in my pearl,
Fires my imagination!
Masters deep voice rings in my mind,
Decidedly instructing me
I place the palm of my hand over my opening,
My juices flowing.
Small circular movements,
My fingers accidentally
Flicking my clit.
Following his command,
I place a finger behind my luciously swollen mound,
Pushing and manipulating,
And slide
    another inside me.
Breathy moans.
 
 
Bliss
X

Possession

He smiled and looked down at me
Naked, sitting at his feet
Coveting his attention,
Averting my look
He enquired gently
"What happened today?"
I cast my mind over the events
Ashamedly aware of my exposure to him
He casually reached out to touch me
In a change of the moment,
He got me
Aware of the feel of his skin,
Brushing against my soft inner thigh.
Lowering my head, submissively
Realising my status
As he possessed me
I lifted my eyes , wide, to meet his,
Not daring to look away
When he slipped his finger into me.
He smiled assuredly,
Masterly.
Recognising my humility
As my juices flowed into his hand
He had his hold on my soul.
He squeezed my sex
The control in his eyes
Manipulating and caressing my pearl.
I was his.
"Shhhhh", he whispered
As my lips parted
Nearly gasping
With sensations mounting.
His touch erogenising every inch of my body
I gazed deep into his eyes, imploring
Tightening on his finger.
He slowly shook his head,
Warning me not to cum.
Tension
Tension
The effort to stay just at this point
Longing to be released
His eyes smiled
And made one single gesture
Allowing my sex to explode
His finger curled into my orgasm.
Had I been a good girl?


Bliss
XX
 

No longer a slave

Since my love JH has become more distanced, of course I have also been set aside as a slave.
I miss having a Master but somehow in trying to manage both love and my total slavery to him things have deteriorated. As teh loving relationship moved into complications so my Master was gone too.

As his slave I never expected anything at all. All I ever wanted was simply to please my Master, As much as I wanted to be the best I also was acutely aware that his business was not mine. If he wanted to talk to me about anything in his life, that was his prerogative. And I relished and cherished the opportunity for him to share with me, to feel special to him that he wanted to entrust me.

I miss my Master. I miss his control. I miss how his voice was filled with authority. I miss how he allowed me to cuddle up in him over the ether after he had utilised my body just how he desired.

Not only do I mourn the loss of my love, but I also grieve over the loss of my Master and all the incredible lessons I learnt through my submission to his power.
I feel a lot I have not learnt is at my fingertips but I just can't quite see what it is ......?

Bliss
X

Pippi

I spoke with Pippi. I am not gong to visit SL for the foreseeable future. So tonight I went for one last time to give her all the silly things I have and the LM's of the lovely places I have been. I met Pippi and her friend. I gave them some playful things and LM's, one last parachute off the Eifel Tower, had one last bounce on the trampoline and fired myself from the canon and said goodbye. It was funny because her friend said I was like a fairy Godmother giving them lots of gifts and taking them to magical places and then leaving never to be seen again. That made me smile and felt nice. I really enjoyed this little time with them, playing and giggling. I have never done that in SL before. What a great couple of people. I am glad to have met them. I will have contact as before with CD and I am glad of our curious friendship. How wodnerful to be bourhgt together through the mystery of the Internet.

It was a good farewell for me. A nice ending - no darkness just light and creativity. SL end for me.
I had hoped to locate the psychologist at the University there but it wasn't to be and so I could contact him via the OU anyway. But I haven't really got time anymore for personal interest research. Study study study my priority!!

I have JH on my mind all the time and want to be loyal to him as my friend. I have no desires for another Master or meeting another man. I love him. And the transition to friends is really important to me. I enjoy JH and it's good not to have all the insecurities we create in each other when we are just moseying along together - easy peasy.

I have started opening my books and looking at the DVDs for my course. Fascinating. I think I need some help putting a timetable together. Time to study, time to work, time for relaxation, time for friends. How on earth will I do this. Universe please show me how??????

The doc was really nice. I hadn't met her before. I gave her a long list of symptoms. She is also in menopause and said that a lot of the symptoms are familiar with menopause. She also can't take HRT so referred me to a reliable website to have a read of helpful tips. I ignored this so far today.

http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/

Anyhow she wants to repeat some blood tests as there were some last Aug that were on the low end of OK and its apparently important to check as in menopause changes can be fast and often symptoms are overlooked assuming everything is menopause.So a load of blood to be taken and after a 12 hour fast too. Poo.
I just feel generally unwell. Tired and absolutely no energy. I really find this very frustrating. Walking today was truly hard work. I would be miserable if walking was taken from me. I love walking, being out with the wind and the rain and the sunshine and the frost and the views and the dogs and the freedom of space. Wind in my hair, air on my skin. I could not bear life without walking. If this were a horror story then my worst nightmares would be easy to haunt me with ..... :)

It's late now = going to sleep.
Missing JH. It surely will get easier. Won't it?????

Goodnight
Bliss
XXX

It's been a while

JH arrived Thursday evening. We have had a lovely weekend. His flight home last evening was cancelled and despite brave efforts to navigate the airport and piles of people collecting there, he is with me again tonight. And will remain here now until Wednesday. Nearly a whole week.

JH panoramic iPhone pic

Walks an talks and novie watching, This picture was on Saturday, snowed into the village and haad to cancel our plans to visit London. Boo Hoo!! Lovely walks in the snow though.

We talked about slavery and ownership. JH released me when he left SL. We had not discussed it again since then.

Looking for truth

"Before It's Too Late"
Goo Goo Dolls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtSAIhP1-5s&feature=related

I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And
hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me

Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life


This morning JH and I had a very open and interesting talk. I said that over the past couple of days I have felt a distance. Of course with my active imagination I can fill in the gaps with all sorts of things. I can hear little things that perhaps JH subconsciously hesitates over saying or maybe it's just something in the air.
I am beginning to trust my instincts but not my thinking. If I just go with my instincts then I can stay calm and also hear what needs to be said.
Whilst Whatsapping we moved to Skype despite not planning to meet until later this evening. Au environ huit heures.
Anyhow JH told me about someone having contacted him from SL - it was an inconsequential really. But this is at least a step towards more openness. As I have said to JH and to others, the detail of the behaviour is not the issue. The secrecy and deceit are my issues. Without openness and honesty my choice is removed. And also I am not being respected as being reasonable or able to make my own choices whether I stay or not. It is not putting trust in me and it's removes my dignity through all of these things and probably more.

I was honest with JH saying that there are times I hear him and think I hear a cloudiness and lack of full clarity on something. I think I am arrogant to even say this after all what do I truly know? But It's like I so want him to get up to speed so that we can just be easy together.
How arrogant of me! I know so little. A mere beginner at this and yet I also feel that the principles are on the right track. I feel more at one. I bet all people think that when they think they have the answer.
But when I talk with JH and other people we do seem to have a greater look at the world.
As I have explained again and again it's not about making judgement of rights and wrongs. It's about openness so that we can actually see if our differences are compatible. If we have similarly principles and can journey alongside each other. I do not judge whether anyone else is right or wrong.
I can witness behaviours an attitudes and thought processes that seem to be harming the individual and their life. But it doesn't mean I judge them as wrong. I can though say that that is not OK for me in my life.
And that's what deceit removes.
Thing is that I value JH so much more otherwise I would have gone already. There would be little point in hanging around to see what he does to change.

I think JH an I ave similarities.

I later spoke with ET. That was really easy simply listening to her. Not having to have answers for her but sharing ideas and different ways to move a little further along the path.
Then I spoke with ML. I said that there are times when I feel very judged y her and have this need to get it right for her to approve of me. She said that she senses how I categorise her as judging me. She says she doesn't do that anymore. And I have felt a big shift in that from her. However, there are still times when I sense I am not approved of. ML says we all have to make judgements and I once again said I agree, we need to judge to help ensure people do not crash over our boundaries. But judging is over stated as being others right or wrong. Instead I think judging helps e to determine what is right or wrong for me and helps me assess difference but does not give me the right to pass judgement on others which is different.
And that I think is where justice steps in.
I know that justice is being taken at a higher level. But we humans get so angry when someone crosses over our boundaries especially uninvited - and its then that we get angry. Rightly so. Anger serves the purpose to protect ourselves. The difficulty comes when we want to place that anger on someone else and blame them.
How does all this sit with crime I ask myself?
For example we as humans have mainly decided the paedophilia is wrong. I agree by the way. I do make a judgment on this. I know that sexual abuse involving children severely affects their mental development and social skills and self esteem etc. Some children seem to get themselves back together and carry on with a little extra help. Some don't. I think all children are gravely affected by sexual abuse, by neglect, by mental abuse,. emotional abuse and spiritual abuse.
In some cases types of abuse are unintentional and parents are simply doing their best with their own limited skills. But sometimes the abuse is intentional.
Both are damaging but intentional damage - well how do we deal with that?
Now here judgement and justice seem to step off my previous writings - but does it really.
I judge this to be wrong behaviour - harming someone else with intent! And therefore the persecutor needs consequences. Now according to the Buddhist monks we are fortunate in this country that we do not let crime go unpunished and we seek out the persecutor unlike other countries e.g. India where people can literally get away with murder apparently. But then even if the person is not caught the monks said to me justice is taking place at a higher level. And I thought about my dad, that at some level he has lived a very tortured life. He seems to be in spiritual pain and not at ease being himself. But then he walks away free of his crimes. I have let go of a need to punish and harm. I pray instead that he might find freedom for his soul and be happy and content in the truest meaning of the word.
Yet a few years ago I was so so raging that I either took it our on myself or tried to punish him in various ways. It just took time and some help to focus on me and forgiving me - I thought I was the criminal. And actually I did go on into my life being a less than nice person at time. Well how judgemental is that. I did what I did but deep down I was not happy with the way I behaved. I was not wrong or bad despite doing some things that were not right and good according to my own principles - and there it is the higher justice. It takes place in my spirit - eroding away at my self esteem until eventually I felt worthless.
The justice is taking place at a much higher level than any human can ever bring upon this earth or any individual. But if someone re-offends and re-offends then we do need to help to curb the behaviour and the damage to others that that incurs.
So we make a judgement about right and wrong on behalf of victims. Children most definitely are victims - defenceless. Some adults though are not victims. And yet we step in there.
I am getting all knotted up here in thought ....

How far from slavery I feel right now

Bliss
xx

Metaphors. My brown eyes

Shakespeare immortalised metaphors ........
Life's but a walking shadow
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot,
Full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing

This was inspired on my way home and is the beginnings of another poem never to be finished

This is a poem about fuss-pottery
The sister of my mother, means my auntie.
With the death of my mum
Left space for her to come,
Fussing and brushing me,
Rushing and fussing me.
To shower me with increasing anxiety.

She really is the best of fuss-potterer
Just when I thought I had got the lot of her
She was in stereo
Auntie two came in tow
Fussy and fussier
Loving and lovelier
To remind me that calls would not bother her!


See I give up! Can't be bothered to keep going. Never think it's of any worth anyway yet I enjoy it when I start off.
I will post it on FB and hope that my cousin and aunt are not offended but can see the funny side. Actually perhaps I won't post it anywhere but here in the safety of my secure Blog.

Things I would like to write about - anger the emotion versus angry behaviour and attitude and tones.
A lovely walk. Friendship. Losing access to the things I like and enjoy. Not in love with me. Easy peasy lemon squeezy friendships. Memento (the film and a question about a bit I don't really get and a moan about the ending - that always flattens the score I end up giving the film despite the main content being good). My packing up and going to Spain - my brown eyes.
Probably other things too but these things come to mind and I jot them down here in case I forget them then they could always be revisited or questioned.

I read JH's writings. He said he is sad about not travelling with me. Does this mean he is coming to the end of the path with me? Are we coming to a crossroads and have to go different ways? Is he talking about the trip to the USA? I get a sense he sees me less and less with love as us together. But I also think this is difficult for him to say. I am not certain and all the time I am not certain I think it is important to keep walking through. I would not want to walk away from something that is not clear cut. I have such strong feelings about not being with him, this tells me something. I know it is not fear of being alone or something like this. I am very certain it is only connected with JH himself. I am not sure if this is the case for JH. He is opening Pandora's Box and maybe he is so excited about what he sees that he feels the need to go and explore this on his own. After all he has not been single at all for years and years. Perhaps there is no room to have a me along too, hence the constant moving on. This is all open questions, no answers.

Universe, please show me what it is I am uncertain of and cannot see.
I have this overwhelming sadness - as if there is loss already. And yet we have been talking about continuing as a couple. Has too much happened? Have we lost the magic and it is irretrievable? Perhaps it was all a fantasy. JH fantasises and I can fantasise. He says he thought I put him on a pedestal he seems not to believe he was worthy of. Was I creating a person he wasn't really? Was he doing the same? He had an ideal and really I am not fitting it. Is this the grief of realising?
I don't know if I believe what I have just written. But I do keep feeling this incredibly sadness. Maybe we have lost something and there is now the opportunity to re-meet each other. Grieving the loss of something and now the real JH and Bliss can step forward. I was always the real me.
The things I like about JH I would sorely miss if I could never have access to again - his groundedness, his practicality, his friendliness, his knowledge, his sense of adventure, his desire for simplicity, his love of the planet, his desire for self discovery and self improvement, his courage, his love, his creative desires, his design scope, his company, the way he gives me the freedom to be creative, his desire for things different, he is interesting. Well here are a few in this very moment. They shift and change shape depending on what's going on.
I am very very grateful to have been allowed to explore my sexuality. Something I have never permitted before ever with anyone else. There was something in JH that I saw as a possibility to help me OK with sex. He wrote about not being selfish - I think this was in direct relation to me mentioning selfishness. Interesting that he has related this to sex. I wonder if he has in the past been accused of being selfish sexually. JH has been far from selfish.
I think the Universe knew that a lesson for me was to discover that sex is not disgusting. SC (therapist) was not understanding this about me. I think SC  has many, many valid points. He has said on many occasion that relationships will kill me. They have come close. When I re-traumatise I certainly want to cut. But what he didn't seem to comprehend was that sex and I were poles apart. Sex for me was all bells and whistles so long as I didn't have to be intimate with a person. And by intimacy I mean the fullest meaning of the word as in closeness emotionally and mentally and then the sexual and physical intimacy had become relaxed. JH enabled me to see that I could very much enjoy sex.
Of course with the situation as it has become clear has shown me that there was a veil between us. I know JH says he didn't ever take away from his love for me but he wasn't actually fully available to love me and cherish me. And intimacy to me means complete openness and honesty and willingness to work through anything until through to the other side or discovering that one or the other cannot go any further. Hopefully if that is the case then there is the possibility for friendship in the truest meaning of that word.'
I am writing this in the hope that JH does read this and can fully understand what I am writing about. We sort of have this weird communication now of writing out Blogs and reading each others and becoming informed by it.
Of course my writings are in this moment and there is an element of trying to get some sense of everything so ideas and understanding is still shifting at this time.
HOW - honesty openness and willingness.
I have a strong feeling that JH is realising he doesn't actually love me as a lover. Similarly as he has done with ES and others before me.
And I am certainly uncertain at this time. I am scared to commit fully in case I am going to get hurt. So to try and work through this needs a firm commitment from JH. If he is in any doubt then I would really rather not.
And commitment means ..... ? I wonder what commitment would mean to JH. I wonder if he really wants to do that?

Well unanswered questions..... I laughed at myself last evening. I think it was last evening. How bloody prideful I am. How irritated I was with myself that JH was the first to say well shall we get on with our things? I chuckled to myself and shared it actually with JH but I don;t think he understood the humour in it. I think some of the humour in things is being lost with all the upset and fragility. There are many funny things.


Spain. JH has commented a few times about the picture of me in Spain and the emotion he sees in my eyes that appear to be brown. He thinks he sees JB in this picture. Gosh he is so wrong.  I don;t know why my eyes appear brown. My spirit was dead, my soul felt lost. Nothing at all to do with JB, far from it. I went to Spain to get away. From everything, from nothing.
JB happened to be there and I had the awareness to make distance from him.
Yes we nearly died together but it wasn't a togetherness. I was very much alone in Spain for 3 1/2 months I wasn't even with me. Despite all the people and places I was just with me and I felt despair. I kept myself alive somehow.
I saw an opportunity to go somewhere else. I value being able to move easily and for some time before that time I had been pinned down - SH had caged my soul. I had let him of course, so I don't blame him, it is what he wants. Never before had I been so clutter-trapped. Selling my possessions was the start of being me again. Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings. I had not thought about that poem until last evening. And it came up whilst talking with JHsessions. I knew why the caged bird was singing. I saw a way to flap my wings, try them out ...... JB simply presented the possibility to me.
When that picture was taken it was strange. The place was a very deserted bar and beach area, where one would expect crowds of people. It reflected how I felt inside. I went back there one early evening and was lying alone on the sunbeds, a little chilly watching the sun go down. Once again sensing a place that was meant to be buzzing, feeling as empty as me. It was a peculiar evening. The sun disappeared leaving a thick black line of an horizon on the sea. Lying there in the dark, these guys silently turned up on the beach beneath me. All black wetsuits they quietly and in organised stealth started out to sea in rubber dinghy's. I slowed and quietened my breathing, watching their manoeuvres. I mentioned it to no one until this moment.
They didn't know I was there. No one knew I was there. No one knew where I was that evening. Nothing mattered, nothing at all.
I wonder about that evening. I breathed in the black horizon and carried on singing in my cage. But in Spain I started to know what freedom might look like.
What JH sees is a person dead inside. Lost. Lonely. An empty soul.

Uhm - next topic - another Blog so this one is posted

Bliss
XXf

The Judder Man

It's the Judder Man, my dear!
Did you sense him pass by here?
You can't outwit his Daedalian mind
He knows your kind as you entered the room.
Did I see his chill rise inside
A mortal soul shiver, I assume
Peculating fingers, flesh touched,
Spirit set aside, empty,
For the Devil to find.


I have many first lines of potential poems. This one is about memories and fears but have got no further.
I need to get up and get going. I have things to do.



My love JH is on his way to the UK. For two weeks.
Exciting!! Interesting. The longest we will have spent time together in the flesh.

Well, actually, Bliss, you were different.
You didn't want a perfect life, a typical life, or even a normal life.
You wanted a one-of-a-kind.
How we doing?
The Universe
 
Master has reinstated his requirements of me that I have not been undertaking.
It's quite amazing how the slave is awakening again.
I cannot acclimatise to te differences to be adopted slave versus lover. There is an awkward fit at times.
And then there is also real life situations that drive the slave out. I read about the need to be aware of circumstances, emotiuns etc that do not fit well with the M/s situation. But if I were not a consenting slave then I would have not choice. And you know what, this is very arousing. But when there is a love relationship as well, empotions involved in that really need to be resolved within that relationship. hey cannot be over ridden it seems with the M/s relationship. Something would be lost along the way.
I can see why DD did not want anything more than a M/s relationship. There was little emotion in sense of feeling for me although he created an adoration for him.
With my the M/s relationship is wholly different. I love him first and foremost!
 
A lot to learn.
So these last 2 days I have been stroking my slit after peeing as Master requires.
Intense emotions as well as physical arousal. Humiliation, adoration, achievement when he is pleased with me, pleased to pleased, owned. It is really not easy to describe the reason why this is all so increcibly good for me.
 
Must go
Bliss

erotic evocation of the atmosphere and emotions

This may be very boring indeed but for me has been most fascinating - reading psychological research papers and articles about BDSM SMers and M/s. I started writing to my friend about it having gently disclosed my recent exploration. But I think as it has been a therapeutic exercise thus far, I will not send it and instead leave it here, safe (ish).

This started as a result of reading an article about BDSM SMer M/s and therapy. A very interesting article about prejudices and misunderstandings amongst many counsellors and indeed the DSM IV categorises sexual deviance's as pathological. There have been cases taken to court as well. These sexual activities in my view a very misunderstood. So I thought I would research further and here are some of my thoughts as I have been reading and reading.

Dear Friend (M) I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to just start tentatively to be honest about my thoughts on Dominant and submissive interests.


I have felt ashamed of this for my lifetime about a tendency which I know was there from a young age. I have felt that I was dirty and vile. I was told off at school with another girl (aged 7 yrs) for a game we were playing in the playground in which she and I were captured and tortured by these two boys and some other girls. I have often associated this with

the very difficult times I was going through in my home life. A lot I cannot remember but have a feeling of terror and shadowy memories.

But as I am reading more and more there is a dubious correlation between submissive orientation and sexual abuse - well so far in my research. As always there are a large number of people who have been abused sexually physically mentally emotionally a spiritually. A lot of people don't even realise this is what has happened to them and carry on the legacy with their own children. More and more I come to some belief that our society is full of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes but there is little awareness. Centuries of getting to this point in my lowly opinion. So it doesn't matter within which community mega or macro, there will be evidence of abuse depending on mind-sets.

Having said all of this I am fascinated by people - everything - interactions - verbal, written, visuals, etc.etc. I have found the social constuctionism theories very compelling and heard last night this is an area you are currently studying. Perhaps we can have more time to talk about this - we talk about the daily life things but rarely get stuck into a debate. I have a hunger for knowledge so would learn a lot from you I know. And i am sure we have ideas to churn and expand on - what do you think?


Reading the article in Therapy Today has really interested me on a more intellectual level which of course helps take me away from my own feelings.

I have been doing some research this morning and wondered if you wanted snippets of info as I go along that seem interesting suggestions - the research are formal scientific and psychological research papers around the world and not general hearsay. But of course as I have learnt through my studies so far no research provides a finite answer (even when they seem to claim that).

Also bear in mind that some of the snippets I might send are a small finding within a greater study and not necessarily the purpose of the study.

My scan of the document I read is not clear so will try again as I think you might find it interesting.


One thing that was a very interesting comment -

"Sexual sadism appears more frequently in forensic contexts in combination with sadistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders but rarely with masochism.

Masochism is otherwise reported to be more prevalent in patients of general psychiatry, however, combined with depression or dependent personality traits rather than with sadism."
Wolfgang Berner · Peer Briken, Sexueller Sadismus und Sexualkriminalität, Forens Psychiatr Psychol Kriminol (2010) 4:90–97

I found this very interesting. As I had been diagnosed with Borderline and also Personality Disorder as well as an addictive personality of course. (Amongst many others ahahahahaha). There are times when I feel almost entirely non-sexual and at these times do not want to engage with anything remotely sexual. So i thought I would try and note my mood levels and see if there is any correlation. I am unclear on the term general psychiatry and will see if one of the consultants could clarify their interpretation of this. Currently I believe this to mean falling between the lines of the norms. Back to the diagnostic labels have been given - well I read the criteria and to be honest could fit into any at some time. I am reading about Aspergers at the moment and think "ooo I do that, and that!". But there are some people who fit entirely inot the criteria and don't have anything else as well. Probably like the chronic alcoholics mentioned in the AA Big Book.


The above research paper was primarily investigating sadism but of course it doesn't exist without the masochistic element, someone or something has to be on the receiving end. And of course the findings are suggest there is a high level of sadism within forensic cases not meaning that all sadistically orientated people are murderers at the high end or criminally aggressive.


Do you know of much literature on the subject? Does it appear through the ages specifically? I know of but not in detail the Story of Anne Desclos and Gorean books by John Norman. I was just interested how this very underground sexuality features. And is there a link too with Goth Vampires etc?


Funny thing is, sidelining slightly, I am so controlling and the submission is about handing over control entirely. I think some of the relief of submission is being able to not be in control of my destiny. Within that there is a sense of freedom finally for me. Expression and exploration are more accessible.


Will add more thoughts and findings (just delete the whole thing if its too boring or too distracting or just something you are just abhorred by)
Ha ha - have even written off to a couple of the Profs. I am insane

I found this conclusion from a research quite reassuring actually. Having been recently actively speaking with people to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships, I thought how much more at ease some of these people seemed. Open. Some were judgemental bout vanilla relationships but less judgemental and more saying that vanilla wasn't for them. Whereas people with supposedly more normal sexual activities do seem to make judgements against people practising sexual diversity. And as I write that it's similar in most instances of alleged normality and the judgements against anything slightly different and challenging - control through fear perhaps. Funny that the research is into the deviations from everyday when quite possibly the everyday is the more unhealthy. Just a thought.

"Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with “normal” sex."
Richters J, de Visser RO, Rissel CE, Grulich AE, and Smith AMA. Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. J Sex Med 2008;5:1660–1668.

It seems that until recent research, anyone practicing what is being named as "kinky" sexual interests are psychologically abnormal, have been involved in sexual abuse or are sexually deficient. This continues to be the diagnosis in the Medical Manuals. But there is more and more research disproving these earlier findings. I like the fact that in the research mentioned above it highlight the fact that much of the evidence supporting these earlier claims is gathered from people who have been criminally charged. I think that sheds a light on other facts.

A sexual interest or subculture attractive to the minority was the conclusion from the above mentioned research paper. And not a result of anything psychological wrong. Interesting. The study also showed a greater number of women involved in BDSM. But then all sorts of factors might have influenced the stats.

I will continue to add this as I read and discover - of course all the thoughts and opinions I write are merely that ....

It has become clear in my research of the research that BDSM SM M/s sexual activities are being found to be not a clinical issue. The reference is to subculture and alternative sexual activities. It made me smile when reading an article about how therapists need to conduct themselves, that importance was made to remaining aware not try and elimnate or cure the sexual acitivity as being pathological. It wasn't such a long time ago that homosexuality was something that had to be cured!!!

This is an interesting website - https://ncsfreedom.org/

Owned

the sting of His whip~ the welts from His crop~ the warmth of His kiss~ the click of the lock~ assures me i am His most cherished possession..
written by a fellow slave.



After a week or more of what has seemd like turmoil to me between my love and I, Master asked if i wanted to be set free. I had mentioned something about this at some point amidst all the ups and downs between my love and I. The slave in me has been practically non-existant and there has instead been sadness and fears and confusion. Apparently when circumstances involve more difficult emotions, in some M/s relationships, the roles are discontinued. It seems that this has happened organically between Master and i.
i fell silent when Master asked this question. Being without Master, what a thought. And I wasn't sure how closely this was linked with the end of the relationship all together. Or maybe Master thought our lvoe relationship could be better without the added dimension.


Master owns me. i cannot make such a decision. i consent to being Masters slave. Isn't his decision then to decide if Master would prefer to set me free.

Blue Venus

Appealing. Look at the two pictures individually. Each of them has it's own appeal.
The blue body grabs me. The reflection in a partial state. Somehow her gaze is captured in the reflection. It's less about her body and more about her looking at me/us.
Whereas the blue accentuates her shape and breasts and bones and her thigh. The pose - grandiose. Purpose pose of course.
Anyway I am attracted to the photo. For looking at. And being looked at - something eerie in her looking.

Master woke me around 6 am

I am still moaning - still hurting, still breathless, and even more detached from the human race and emotions.
I don;t like being detached. For one it makes my job very difficult indeed. Keeping track of what is going on within the groups, listening to my emotional response to matters shared - nada!!
I ache - on the inside I ache. I am breathless. I am tired, extremely tired. Aaaaaaargh. And it's so boring - you have got to admit it's boring to read too.

My sleep is disturbed too. Oh yes I wake up several times and even when I am sleeping I am not certain it is restful sleep. Well I can;t undertand why I am so damned tired otherwise. I am getting more hours sleep but just tired all day and very very reluctant to wake up and get up in the monrings. Everything is double the effort.
Grr grr grr.

Uhm I realised this morning that my slip into SL was so far from OK. Walking the walk rather than just talking the talk. I have been giving myself a real hard time. I didn;t like being asked how it would be if Master had done the same thing. The truth is I would have felt disappointed too. I did when he said that he was maintaingin his land etc. I really do believe that if deciding to abstain for a while then that's what it means.
So yes I know I already had been disappointed. I did not 3ant the decision to remain out of SL to be for me and I am not sure that that wasn't the reason for Master as he seemed to wish to keep everything going and visit for the purposes of his land.
However, for me I wanted to have some time focusing on our relationship without the influences of SL. And this remains true for me. It was amazing how the pull started when I was reading about S's new adventures. I wanted to be a part of it with her for just a while and introduce her to PR. It;s such an escape too. When I was undoubtedly feeling emotions following meeting with my dad and the money gift etc. I had been terrified about meeting him following the phone call of the evening before - keeping boundaries and feeling angry and standing for my beliefs about his behaviour. And then the restlessness - well SL potentially could take me away from all of that. BUT it didn't. In fact seeing Y just made it sem dull. People day in and day out doing the same things in there. Not engaging in some ways with RL
I am surprised at how strongly that affected me. So again I wish to stay away for the time being.
What Master does is really really up to him now. I think I was attempting to impose my wishes. But he had said that he had been going to suggest the same thing. So I now wonder why he was going to suggest that and then himself changing the boundaries of that.
I do feel insecure about Master being in SL. Wondering what his motives actually are.
I do practice trust though more and more. This brings a greater view of freedom for me.
Please Universe can I hang on to this please.

M y thoughts are not so clear. I should stop trying to see things because I am so flipping well detached. I am not sound of mind I am sure.
I have a headache - again!

As for interesting stuff happening today - not much. At wor we are busy. Nothing new.
Oh god! I have the treasury money from one of the meetings. I have had it for about 9 10 months. It's a lot of miney.
I keopt meaning to drop it off as I haven'
t been able to get to the meeting. Ugh! I even borrowed some thing out of it. Well it's all up to date and finally I am going to drop it off tomorrow.
I have felt so ashamed and embarrassed.
I haven't even told anyone - until now. Of course I realise that it's these kind of things that I don't even realise I am holding onto - emotional stress that just adds a little at a time.
I am relieved I have finally made arrangements to meet up with one of the meeting regulars. She says noone attending there is aware so that relieves some of the shame. 2 of them know though. And I never have had the intention to run off with it!!!!!!!!
Ugh it feels ugly in me still

well I am tired

Bliss
X

Sauerkraut and a cigar

Grr I really don't like the way the hormonal shifts affect my libido.
I actually feel ashamed and worthless as a woman let alone as a lsave, when my sensuality is so low. The odd thing I don't feel particularly attached to emotions. I feel flat if anything. Little seems to be exciting or even interesting. I know this will pass but bloody hell! Noone ever told me that being human was quite so bloody complicated.

Yesterday and this morning, E was talking about quite emotive matters. I could hear her loud and clear and was not in the least bit emoting. I listened calmly and without much reaction at all. I did feel very irritated actually this afternoon with A. It was the false conversation and the lack of honesty. Not a conscious decision but just fear driven to not be truly open. I did react to that. Quite crossly actually. I tried hard to keep my mouth shut as I was quite sharp tongued I think.

I wonder if anyone else notices these shifts in their emotions, their sensuality and sexiness? I wonder if people find a way to get beyond such shifts? Or is it something I just need to be patient with and let is pass naturally?

I feel that I let MAster down though. That's the hardest thing.

I want to be everything he needs me to be whenever he wants it. And I just feel unable. I am tired, I am lethargic. I am unsexy, I am lacking in enthusiasm. Poor Master.

I am very interested in what Master is doing.

Oh Gosh I was emotionally disturbed yesterday when I heardmasters  disappointment in me. I had entered SL - I was restless, irritable and discontent yesterday. I was fidgiting through life yesterday. I wanted something but nothing was doing it. I went into SL I think triggered by S's recent entry and the wow of the newness of it all. I wanted to just get PR alive again as if by doing that I might feel attached to life too. It was awful being there. I felt very uncomfortable as I suddenly thought that perhaps I was purely an addict with no strength of person and healthy will power at all. Anyway, I like to think I am more wholesome than purely addict and decided to elave again. I did not have any desire to explore further. I said hello to Y but found her to be exactly the same - nothing changing although she had started a course in RL. I am so restless that it sort of irritated me that people in SL aren't necessarily moving on through it.

Mmmm I am so restless generally. It's surely just something I need to patiently sit through. Please Universe may it pass soon - thank you.
Anyway Master had asked why I was absent from SL in the first place and why I would want to return. I had no answer to either question. This is how flipping detached from self I am. It's really, really horrid being so ...... I am not even sure how to describe how I am. And then Master asked how I would feel if he went to SL?
Again I am not sure. I would be worried that it would just be the satrt of many trips in. But then I have lost the purpose for not going in. If Master intends to go to SL then he will. I will surely feel insecure - my reason for going there was not to meet men. I wanted a little connection with S and to be taken away from this sense of nothingness I feel.

Well today I have been enjoying reading - fiction. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Mark Haddon.
An interesting read. And this has taken me away from the discontent within me. It is so strange reading a book where the narrator is actually devoid of emotions or able to have a sense of others minds. a young boy with autism. It's a unique experience for me. The way in which he says what he sees - yet does have reactions to events in very extreme ways. The events the he reacts to arouse emotion in me - well an awareness of an emotional response and yet he has more of a descriptive and physical reponse - to extreme at times.

I wonder how Mark Haddon has been able to write from the autistic viewpoint. He surely cannot be autistic can he? To have such awareness of emotive situations and events and interrelationships.

I like some of the psychological issues that are brought to the fore and see how the course I have completed is useful in so many ways. Pedagogy - - - - - - -

For anyone hoping to be titilated through reading this Blog - current sorry!

It's just not there - would love to receive any thoughts on this shift. Being of the age I am I doubt whether many readers os such Blogs would yet have experienced the monumentla hormones shifts I am going through. I HATE IT!!!! I want it to stop yet if it stops will suggest I am even older.

I reckon by the way I have about 14 or 15 years left to live - that's not long! Oh yes can get quite bleak in my thinkiong too. A move away from the hyper I was experiencing prior to this downward trend.

Even I can't keep up with me.

A nice walk in the rain. But boy I find the change in the clocks links in with the sky getting closer and the air feeling denser. I love the rain. I love walking in the rain and my hair getting wet. I like the cooler weather, even the cold. But I don;t like the air closing in on me. It can feel quite claustrophobic during the winter months.

Love the wintry weather. It's different in the mountains - snow and high skies. Wonder what it is about this country????


And of course adjusting today to the natrual changes in the day and the association with human time - it's just out of order and feels strange to me. I am very sensitive to this change - perhaps everyone is but I wonder if we stop to notice it and just work through it. Maybe it's only me who is so flipping overly sensitive to it and I have to notice every peculiar detail.

Moooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnning Minnie - that's me.


Please please please Universe can you help this phase and the symptoms to pass quickly. Or somehow show me how to be more accetpant and therefore find a more peaceful way to be as I am.
Reading has helped - thank you.


I am looking forward to speaking with Master and listening to the events of his weekend. Hear how he has felt over the weekend. Try to learn and undertand Master and the way he connects or not and interacts with the ways of the days and interrelating with people new to him and those who he has known for a very long time. He is a lovely man. I love him.

Right back to the Curious Incident - and yes it is curious. Life and everything is very curious.
Like it most when I see it as curious and an adventure.
Curiosity killed the cat! So rather than curious - what would be healthy?

Oh I want to moan again - skin is too tight for my innards at the moment - it hurts!
Bloody Bliss

XXXXXXXXX
he he he - no flipping serenity at all

God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.


It's Halloween - I like witches

B


X

Gem In I

Ask not, Bliss, for what is already yours.
You know.
Whoot,
The Universe

http://www.kimweston.com/index.htm



How very very strange that just last night I was saying how I had wanted to ask the man estranged as my father if I could borrow some money. For weeks now I have been saying that I want to ask him. As if by saying to as many people as would listen that I want to ask him, then somehow I would find the courage. Then whilst speaking with E my mobile phone rings displaying a blocked number. I had a funny feeling I needed to answer it. My Father! Furious. Because I was on the other line and had been for longer than he was able to deal with. He commanded me to put the other line down. I did, BUT, for once I found a voice in my anger. I said how rude I thought he was, that I was talking to a friend. He objected and demanded for a little while longer but I did not budge. He said well he was too tired now anyway. I said I would call back tomorrow then and we agreed upon 10 am. I phoned E back, explaining and apologising for cutting our conversation short. She was so pleased with that I had said to my father. I had been boundaried and not submitted to his unreasonable behaviour.
Now this is interesting as for most of my existence I have complied with his wishes even when unreasonable. And I flitted by a comment recently that quite often people with an interest in slavery or submission often have childhood experiences of abuse.
Anyhow back to the story. My father called back. I knew he would. I know him so well. He apologised for being angry and said that he is giving me some money and wanted to arrange to meet for coffee. I said thank you and as agreed I would call him at 10 am the next morning. He moaned and groaned again especially when I said I was talking with my friend.
I called at 10 am - well 10 minutes before actually. I asked if it was too early. He said now and said we will meet in P at 11 am. I was there just before 11. Slightly shaken by m y assertiveness with him. Terrified as a result of being late with the call to him and the meet with him. He was later than his military precision would normally allow - 20 minutes later than coordinated timing. Ha! And so he was inappropriately apologetic - inappropriate because he blamed a traffic jam and the police etc with some cock and bull story about the policeman knowing him and words being exchanged - bullshit!
Anyway, generally the coffee meet was OK. I was myself in a sort of breezy manner - not all tense and barricaded up. He spoke mainly about trivia and other people. Oh he said that his medals were in the Will for me. I am still in the Will - phew! On condition I don;t sell them - the medals. I enquired how he and T are getting along, he choked out a bubbly "fine" into his one-shot Latte - when did he get so hip? And turned the focus onto his dislike of her daughters. So I take it then that he's not entirely happy. Usual story. Grinning and bearing his rather impulsive decision!!! Rot in hell. I should not be so mean and resentment ridden - BUT I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pray pray pray for the willingness to feel compassion and warmth. Through gritted teeth I pray that she and he are happy together and find peace in their latter years. Pray to ungrit my teeth and mean it.
Coffee drunk, hour nearly passed, time for him to turn into a pumpkin. Well he always seems to be on limited time on the rare occasions we meet. He slipped me an envelope like he was passing me an undercover job that would self-destruct when he blinks his eyes. Cash! Wow not even a cheque signed by him. Weird.
Weirder when you understand how he thought a visit from me when mum was still alive meant I was taking another brick from his house. And how he has constantly raised all the times I was a half wit with money and simply a waste of space.
Anyhow I am very grateful indeed for this gift. Not sure whether there are strings attached as he didn't want me to ask why and wouldn't tell if I did ask anyway - (ner ner ner ner ner, I could have sworn I heard this childish taunt). Then as we left he realise he had given me too much. Rather he had not taken out the money "she indoors" wanted. It's not her fucking money went through my angry mind. It's my mums! well not now my mum is dead. BUT it's till not HERS - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
We walked to the car park, still with a jovial spring to our step. I could feel the awkwardness goodbye always brings. That time when he turns to kiss me on the cheek - as repulsive for him I guess as it is for me. What then? Oh yes because I damn well complained about him kissing the ugly step daughters and shaking my hand goodbye once. Let it hurt - don't flipping well tell him. Victim of my own bloody truthfulness.
Oh well - now I need to find a way to stop the kiss. YUCH YUCH YUCH

Anyway - he did not define me. I defined me and let him decide whether he likes me or not - he doesn't have to meet me again ever if he really doesn't like me. But I am not ever going to match up to what he wants so I can stop trying to. FREEDOM.
For today at least
I feel OK right now - somewhere is sadness for the lack of a regular father/daughter relationship. ANGER - RAGE = yup feel that alright which screens sadness so well. Once the anger subsides the sadness and hurt is sure to sting.
I did it and I have some money too.
The little kid in me was so excited that the grown up in me did not let him bully us again last night. The kid in me today wanted something - a toy - colouring pencils, something brightly coloured, something but I don;t know what. I didn't buy anything because this is familiar. Buying something with wide-eyes that when in reality again it's not meeting the need and so something else is needed - addiction - who knows. But I have been home since and writing or reading or talking with friends. Not achieving much at all but just tootling along.
I DID IT!

Oh the LL went to the vets. Happy pills for her. Hope so anyway. Scared of her ageing.
Hating my hormonal changes. Really hating them these last days. Very uncomfortable. STOP IT!

And this contributes to me feeling so unsexy - I am not at all slavish. Luckily Master is away for the weekend. He demands not from me really.
It's odd with him away. It's lovely knowing he is out doing what he loves doing. Fresh air, wood all around him, his very best friend with him and people wanting to learn from him.
It feels OK for me to just be tootling around with these little throw-ins like my father and coffee.
I am so uncomfortable I don't want Master to have to encounter me at all. Ugh - let this phase and the symptoms pass sooner than now.
I don't know why I posted the photo - I don't feel like anything sexual at all. Yet the photo sort of oddly reflects that. A hint of her nipple but trying to keep herself hidden - or is she?
I have discovered Kim Weston's photos and been enjoying them. Hints at and portions of bodies. A lot is left to a creative peruser.
I don't want to be exposed to Master in an y state less than sexy and naughty. I don't want to be exposed when my father is anywhere close by. He's in this Blog. Yuch.
He cannot get me though.

Universe I ask to be shown what I already have - to keep opening my eyes and to learn and grow through the awareness. This happens every day. Thank you Universe.
I love Master.

I have plans to speak with another friend this evening. I need Master's help to know how much time I might be permitted to have with friends.

Bliss
X

Moody Velvet Mountain. Body Landscapes

They bring me to tears every single day, Bliss.
They're almost too much to bear.
Sometimes, I even wonder how it's possible...
Of course, I'm talking about your supernatural resilience, your steely courage, and your gritty determination.
YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, and they shall say THANK YOU, DUDE.
Thy kingdom come,
The Universe



God essence of woman and sensuality in this photo.........

 

Master arrived last Friday. I was surprised that instantly the slave in me was so much quieter and the lover the main voice. Master also was less Master it seemed and more lover. I don't remember speaking very much about this.
We made love ..... often, lovingly, gently, beautifully.
Master displayed his power, reminding me that I am his slave. I submitted willingly and excitedly. For some time Master had spoken about the need to restrain me. He had asked me how I would feel about this. I remember feeling the thrill rise from my clit, through my pussy and tingle throughout my body.
Master wrapped my collar around my neck, tightening it so that I could feel it firmly. He took hold of it and pulled me towards him, then kissing me firmly and taking my mouth for his own. His tongue darting in and out of my mouth forcefully. Then he took the D-clip and attached it to my collar. I did not know what to expect. Master took his cuffs and tauntingly played with them. I felt a fear as well as the excitement. He let me touch them and feel the coldness of the metal. Master clicked them showing me how they work. Telling me that it is not advisable to cuff people with their hands in front of them, and as he tightened them on my wrists, Master took my hands over my head and clipped the cuffs to the D-clip. I was totally exposed. He coolly asked if the cuffs were tight on my wrists. I said that the right hand felt very tight. Master didn't seem to pay attention to my words as he started to use my body.
I felt excitement once again at my vulnerability and also a degree of fear at my complete helplessness. Master took every bit of me. My nipples, my breasts, my tummy, my neck, moving around my body - his mouth, his fingers. Sitting in nadu, I could feel the tension in the muscles of my arms and the cuffs pushing hard into my wrists. Master layed me down relieving the mild aching. He continued to utilise my clit and my pussy. He brought me to the point of climax, touching and looking at every part. I was helpless to hide or move subtly the parts of me I am usually shy to let him see. I could not this time.
Master, wise to the woman's body, stopped stimulating me and after a few moments my clit started to relax, the tightening in my pussy muscles loosening. Master started touching me again, fast, slow, his fingers exploring me bringing me close to climax once again. Once again, Master stopped, my moans ignored completely. The next occasion Master chose to touch me, just when I expected him to stop, he continued, pushing me over the edge into orgasm. I shook, I sighed, my muscles contracting with such strength. I could not stop. Master watched and smiled and watched. He pressed on my clit
He left me lying there, cuffed and helpless, naked and exposed. We spoke with me still restrained this way, helpless.  Master asked me to get up. He moved my position to hold me close to him. I was so thankful for his loving of me as I felt so exposed and somehow bad.
When Master eventually unclasped the cuffs from the D-clip, he brought my hands still cuffed in front of me. He did not immediately release me but instead talked about the bruises on my wrists and how that might b e difficult for me to explain..........
I was very aware for the rest of his stay that Master's cuffs stayed by our bed until he packed them as he was leaving. I was excited and wary of when he might want to restrain me again. He talked of cuffing me to the bed  - wrists and ankles and might even leave me there.
He left when we were more lovers than Master/slave.


The slave in me, at the moment, is very very quiet. The lover was the prominent one over the weekend with my love, Master. The Master  seemed not to be so prominent in him. I wonder if we reflect each other, or if actually the slave in me brings out my Master. Does Master insist on me being a good slave?  He is such a loving Master and thoughtful of my situation - very respectful. My situation is hormonal - I truly believe that hormones are very powerful indeed - over my mood, my energy, my desire, my appetite, my shape, my whole being, I know that with the little biology I have studied in understanding psychology, hormones are incredibly important and influential in our very existence. Master does not seem to try to override these and told me that he also is feeling very unsexy at this time. Maybe Master's other responsibilities are playing a bigger role right now, maybe he is unsexy because I am. I wonder how I would manage if he were to exercise his rights as Master.

I miss Master since he returned home. I loved Master being with me and me being able to do things for him. I felt very special.

Master is away this weekend. This is the first evening in 7 months he has not summoned me to speak with him. It feels odd. I have him on my mind.
I will speak with my friend E, and there is endless tim e to speak with her, Normally I am eager to end conversations so that I can be available for Master. He wondered if I felt pressured. Oh no - I long to be summoned by him. I rush around to make sure I am available for him. Howver, I do of course recognise that my friends get little of my attention these days. So Master being away this weekend leaves me feeling like there is a lot of emptiness to fill.
I also have a guilt free weekend. I have no studying to do. Not that I was actually studying all through this year. But whilst I wasn't I was always feeling the guilt. Oh thank goodness the exam is over. I oscillate between thinking I have done enough for a Pass 4 to suddenly thinking what I didn't write and how awful it was.
Please Universe allow me the Pass 4. Ashamed as I am not to have put all y effort to attain the grades I now know I am capable of, I would be grateful to pass and not have to re-visit this grinding course. Elements have been fascinating but it's also very repetitive. Grrrrrrr.

My friend S is on SL. It's odd but it's created a desire for me to return and introduce her to PR - and to enjoy her newness - see it all again through her eyes. Wow reading about her first experiences how it reminded me of the childlike wonder of my arrival into SL. The magic, the splendour, the flying, the colours, the people, the incredible numbers of people, the funniest of new experiences, nudeness by accident, vampires, costumes, beauty, well I can go on and on recalling the scenes.
I told her to look after her heart and already I read that she has met a less than reliable person. I look forward to her meeting some of the lovely people. She has been to Chakryn Forest and oh my met someone who has started introducing her to Gorean slavery.
Wow when I think of all the things that she has yet to encounter. I have had such an adventure. I wish I had written my experiences as they happened. I get too impatient to write events after they have happened - after all too much is happening int he hear and now to go back. Yet I had so many wild and colourful experiences. Fun, sadness, shock, eye-opening shock, comfort, friendship, sharing, annoyance - well you name it I had it and a heap more too.

EXAM!!!

Bloody hell! It's today - it's in 45minutes actually. I am so unprepared. Last year waiting for the exam to begin, I was feeling so awful. I got some insight into extreme anticipation. I remember thinking about people on death row - dead man walking! I know there is no comparison in the seriousness of that moment but I got a glimpse I think of the anticipation.
This year waiting, waiting, waiting has been filled with trying to cram in a years worth of non-studying into 2 days!
I have been reading about developmental psychology and education - behaviourism, constructivism and socio cultural influences.
My question is the extent to which developmental psychology and it's application has supported children. I will write a little about history including Darwins theory of evolution and how that influenced a change in thinking about children , the changes brought about in the way education was introduced more broadly as being seen as a way to being about learning in readiness for adulthood. I will then say how the essay will look at the 3 above mentioned theories have been utilised within the education system and the benefits that this has brought to supporting children.
Then I am flummoxed. This should all have been pre -written as it is one question that is seen,
Then there will be two more questions for me to select out of a potential 6 others. I am not ready for any of them. At best I can write some on Attachment theory in terms of children and their relationships and the influence on their development. I have a little memory of Baumarind and her theories of parenting styles. And then the cultural differences not accounted for in her theory but some additional research instigated as a result of her. IN particular the transactional models of influences on relationships. IWM model of course is key - Bowlby, Ainsworth, Main - why Main what the hell did Main do - oh yes research into SST - (strange situation type - infant attachment type and the correlation in adults - adolescence - longitudinal studies. But then also studies of mother AA adult attachment) and the predictor SST.
God this is all I know  - oh no - also the influence of fathers and then the parent relationship and how this affects infant attachment type. then of course the fact that these attachment types influence the IWM and how this does or doesn't get carried through life affecting the childs development - ie the ways in which they attach to others and situations. Inconclusive - many other dimensions and relationships and environmental circumstances.
Oh well - somewhat of an essay if the question is spot on.

Then as for a question from book 1 - Goodness knows - i have crammed a lot of info and could tell the story generally but to answer a specific question - no way!
So it's all very scant knowledge - not full - I just hope for a question in each case that can trigger off something and then at least try for a Pass 4.
I wanted to get all 1st throughout but circumstances this year - well - I just won't.
I didn't even submit 6 assignments - 3 out of 6 . Proud to be able to say that I got 1st's for those which is enough to get a pass in the course work. Lucky me.

I am writing this whilst waiting for the invigilator to arrive. As I am dyslexic dyscalculic I have an exam at home. How privileged and can also use my laptop. How extra privileged. Sometimes I think that means I am not really tested on equal terms therefore my grades etc are not really representative as a true measure. Then again the way the education is put together there is little advantage otherwise for dyslexics etc. So I won;t refuse this opportunity. I am fortunate.

OK she should be here in 4 minutes.
No more reading no more chance to learn - just got to spill out anything I know as best I can. I have tried using the situation to do my best. I could do better in different situations. Hope for that for next year.

I am a mature student in case anyone is wondering. I wonder constantly. What the hell am I doing this for? I find it interesting and it contributes to me being better at my job and I love my work. Just desire to get better and be as good as I can at it.

Is this enough rambling to try and overcome my nerves? Probably not.
Where the hell is she??????
Oh I hope she never arrives too.
Yuch nerves - hate em. Thank goodness when this day is done!

Master called me. I love him so so much, he's is so thoughtful of me. I was relieved to hear his calm voice. His encouragement. And then he had to go, I needed to read some more. I will not speak to him now until after this is all over. I look forward to this evening without this hanging over me to simply relax and focus on him.
I love Master
X

Painting my own lilies

Master looked so tired and weighted with the world on his shoulders. He sank back onto his bed, shutting his eyes and sighing with relief.
I said softly that I should like to massage him. Master smiled and, without moving, encouraged me to proceed. Sitting at his feet, I used silk powder to massage each toe, slowly and firmly, beginning to take him away from his stresses. Masters body and face showed the first signs of letting go.
Resting each leg in turn, I gently manoeuvered the muscles in his calves. Oiling my hands, my fingers manipulated the muscles in his legs. Tickling Masters inner thighs, moving my fingers oh so close to his balls and his cock. Passing over his pelvis, purposely avoiding his cock, I gently stroked his tummy. Then randomly moving my finger tips over his nipples, his sides. I giggled at his goose bumps before they faded again. Stretching the muscles of his chest, pushing his shoulders back into the bed. Massaging his arms. tickling his arms, stretching his fingers. Then the pressure points on his face - his brow bone, his laughter lines around his mouth, his forehead, his temples.
I softly asked him if he wanted to turn over. He rolled over without a word. Inhaling steaming eucalyptus, I heard his deep intake of breath, clearing. I  continued massaging. Masters head, his neck, his shoulders, under his shoulder blades, his back. his buttocks, slipping my fingers over and around his arsehole and then between his thighs, reaching the shaft of his cock just briefly. Down the backs of his legs, finishing at his ankles. I sat in nadu, eyes down, hoping Master had been pleased with me.
When Master at last uttered his approval I visualised with him to let the weights he was carrying on his shoulders to roll down his back, onto his legs then his feet, then he could flick them away.
Drowsily he said mmmmm?.

The dream at night is just like the dream of here and now, Bliss. You hide from yourself that you create it so that it can seem real, while you pretend not to be who you already are, so that you can finally get what you already have, for fun.
I say think of this often.
Unicorns and dolphins,
The Universe


 
Master spoke about Monet's journey that was infact finding everything in his own garden.
The alchemist's journey home.
 We talked about the need to go on the quest  before having the clarity and wisdom to realise that everything is here all along. Sometimes the soul can only open after experiencing adversity.

In my back garden is an OK me. I can believe in and celebrate all that I am,. Everything I need  is within my touch. I have good purpose though my work my friends. And I turn around and there is Master too. x

I wonder what's in Masters garden?
 
".....of toys and wax and ice and voyeurs", Master steadily recited. His voice is low and evenly toned when he is especially Masterly.
Master asked me what I thought of these matters.

 I felt embarrassed that I have toys, especially as they were purchased at the requirement of Senor D. Master invited me to describe them. A large vibrator with a clitoris stimulator, an ice vibrator, nipple clamps. Sexually stirred despite my embarrasment, and Master commented on how he thinks embarrassment and arousal are closely linked. Master encourgaed e to share my thoughts ..... I listened to his breathng as I commented.
I wonder at the hot wax and the ice together. Master inviting voyeurs is so very exciting, his confidence of his total ownership of me. The power of faceless people in the shadows, occasional whispers. And me, exposed for entertainment, shaming and exciting. I wondered if  Master invite them closer? I didn't ask.
 
Master remarked on his interest with ice. Specifically Master commented on the importance of  timing, balancing pleasure and pain. Once again, Masters apparent expertise and awareness both surprised me and held me in awe of him. Master knows my body so well. He knows women. Every move calculated, with purpose.

"I wish to see your toys tomorrow".
 
Master asked me how Senor D used the toys. Oh my gosh! I feel so disloyal to Master answering this question but proceed to explain that Senor D would have me seated in nadu in front of him. He would have me place the vibrator on a chair beside me so tat I could see it clearly. We would be talking and Senor D would ask me to check my wet status by putting one finger in my pussy and tell him if I was very wet or a little wet. He insisted I checked my status after every 10th sentence, sometimes 3 sentences. And at times he would tell me to put the vibrator in my pussy. Sometimes I would be told to turn it on. Other times not. just leave it there or move it in and out of me slowly. Sometimes I was to put it in the opening of my arsehole. He would sometimes time ow long it was to be turned off. Always I had to replace it so that I could see it.
There were times when Senor D would tell me I had a minute to reach orgasm. Of course after a session of checking wet status and consistent use of the vibrator, I could quite easily cum. If I didn't I wasn't allowed t cum for the rest of the day or evening.
Senor D would sometimes tell me to suck his cock if I was talking too much. Or he would tell me to suck his cock if he wished to direct another slave. Senor D had no affection really for anyone of his slaves. I was often if not usually with him though.

Senor D only used the nipple clamps once when I first acquired them for him.
 
Master enquired whether I was touching myself. I hesitated as I had not asked permission and already I was so, so wet. I had already noticed Master was touching himself whilst listening to me respond to his desire to know more.
 
Then, Master enquired whether Mistress LR had ever taken me ... Gosh! Master asks such questions of me. Yes of course. I explained how she had instructed me to gloss every day on the hour for 5 minutes but not allow myself to climax. I did climax of course. Sometimes it was just too glorious a sensation not to. Then one day she summoned me to her. She instructed me to strip naked whilst watching her also strip. She then sat down on the sofa and invited me to lie down and she took my body in her arms. She held me, cuddling me affectionately and then told me to masturbate until I came. She just held me close and tight the whole time, rocking me slightly. I felt very little in her arms. And very much in her power at that very moment.

At this, Master took over asking me to describe what I was doing to myself. I had two fingers in my pussy and playing in different ways with my clit. He started instructing me how to play with my clit and got me so very close to orgasm. I asked him if I could cum? "No! Keep playing". I whined slightly but Master ignored my feeble protest. He asked me more questions maybe, I can;t remember. I got closer again to orgasm. I asked Master again if I could cum. "No! Stop touching yourself" I tried to curb my whine. Rocking on the bed, clenching my thighs, pushing on my clit, feeling the sensation rippling through me, wanting more!

Master told me that when out in public, he will whisper his instruction . I am to walk so that I can feel my clit rubbing in my knickers. He said that he knew I would be instantly aroused and would feel my clit rubbing.

Master will sit and watch me pee and supervise the way I stroke my slit afterwards. Someday Master said he might decide to stroke my slit for me. And all the while I was getting wilder and wetter, being at his whim.
My sexuality he told me is his.
Master very generously gives me my orgasms.

I was told to start playing with myself again and to get myself close to orgasm but keep playing. Master told me to press harder on my clit and my g-spot. I moaned. It is so difficult to stay on that edger. "Keep playing. This is what you have to learn", ignoring my increasingly urgent pleas to be released. I was desperate not to displease Master with my begging. To not sound demanding, I kept my voice low and hoped not to displease Master. I whined again.  I couldn't help it. "Keep playing".  I thought if I could keep my mouth quiet he might let me go over the edge sooner.
My fingers were dripping with my juices. "I can hear" Master softly revealed. I was both embarrassed and delighted.
Master suddenly said "cum now! Now. Now". I pushed harder and faster for just a moment. "Cum" My orgasm rose what seemed oh sooooo slowly and then suddenly "Cum" ..... the explosion was incredible. My back arched! My clit, rock solid. My pussy in spasms like I have never before experienced. Clamping on my fingers. I couldn't stop the wave after wave after wave. I tried keeping my eyes open looking at Master, knowing he would want to see my orgasm in my eyes, my face. And I saw him playing with himself, harder and faster. His breathing turning to gasps. He came too. I was still jerking with my own spasms. We gradually quietened together.
Master called me into his arms. Mmmmm, the calm.

This morning, I woke long before Master. When he finally stirred we talked in bed allowing him to drowsily come too. We planned the day ahead.
I have been studying, studying, studying ever since. Some information I think has been absorbed. I think I could make sense of the application of developmental psychological ideas in early life. I have been trying to make a start on the next stage - personal and social development and/or educational development and how this supports ... I am at standstill. It's getting late. Only a few hours remain.
Master has said that I shall continue studying seated beside him this evening whilst he also works. I feel so happy that he will permit this. I thought Master was not going to allow me to see him this evening so that I would study. I am happy I can sit alongside him, feel Master close. Both quiet, letting him get on with his work.
Tomorrow - the exam!
I will be glad when it's over. I am not at all ready and pretty annoyed with myself still for not having the energy to invest int he studying this year.
Please Universe can I at least get a pass. I would of course not be happy knowing that I am capable of more. But this year I would be absolutely delighted to get a Pass 4. Please Universe. I don't want this year to have gone by and be a wasted study year. Even though I haven't put the work in.
I refuse still to beat myself up. Master keeps reminding me that this is my situation and to make the most of it. And I remind myself how busy my job is and the journey to and from work is draining. I have little time to study and the time I have is recovering and relaxation time. Phew. What will I do next year.

OK I will start reading again whilst I await Master to arrive and hopefully summon me soon.
I love Master so deeply.

Bliss
XX