Carrying the fear

Something happened at work today that left me feeling helpless and scared and wanting to protect and save.
Furthermore, I feel unwell
And  feel angry with my employers because their attitude to sickness creates ion me a feeling of guilt for feeling ill. Something I can long tap into. My mothers thought son sickness were you were only off if developing rigormortis - funny but with a very serious message in too. And my dad just didn't tolerate sickness at all. Poor him trying to tolerate himself now with all his ailments through ageing.

Anyway it's difficult at times as I feel trying to deal with the feelings that arise as a result of things at work.
I can;t always identify what is mine and what is being carried. I want to talk to friends just to expel all my feelings. Which is what I do mainly without needing to talk about details that I am not allowed to anyway. It is hard sometimes though because there is the detail too - we have supervision every 2 weeks which of course helps but often the feelings get squashed down in the rush of work and not speaking about them.
Then feelings are resurrected from time to time.
I have been thinking often about situations from last year just recently.
I don;t know - then it surely affects my mood ....

I feel ill - going to sleep!

Bliss
xx

Him

My manic and I
Laura Marling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOYZwQ8-FEE

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy
At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it

And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me
I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.

And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

I can't control you, I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that I saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down
And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill

And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down