Dont' analyse things. The simplicity is just stop asking why, it's just about allowing myself to be in the day. Go with it, don't do anything impulsively.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.
I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.
There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.
Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me. I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.
Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.
Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.
Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.
Life of Pi
While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.
I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.
There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.
Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me. I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.
Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.
Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.
Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.
Life of Pi
While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.
| Cast Irrfan Khan Tabu Suraj Sharma Adil Hussain. | |||||
 | |||||
| Directors Ang Lee. | |||||
| |||||
| Screenwriters David Magee. Cutter's Way A film from 1981   Interestingly the film nearly got discarded. However some good reviews saved it's day. I gave it 3.75 - it's slightly dated.
|
