Always, Bliss, kindness prevails. No matter how things appear, nor how humbling a task, nor how unkind they've been.
Always,
The Universe
Always,
The Universe
Thursday 29 March 2012
Sunday 25 March 2012
The week that was
I'm exhausted. I'm learning though.
It's less draining when I let go and stand back. I have to practice it but one of the outcomes is that I am less consumed by the goings on. And without the preoccupation I am less frazzled. It's not perfected by any means. Today I feel tired. And it has been a very full week.
Yesterday I was at Oxford University. Me? At Oxford Uni. It wasn't one of the more famous colleges, such as Magadalen. I was at Oxford Brookes, Headington Hill College of Social Sciences and Law. A beautiful old building although our lectures were in a makeshift prefab. The grouns were beautiful. And the sun was shining. It was warm enough to sit outside in a sleeveless top. Yipppppeeee. And I felt slim enough to take my cardigan off and felt free. This is a joy of receovery. As silly as that may sound. I could do it and almost without a thought. I did sit there thinking it was OK for me to take of my cardigan and feel the suns heat on my skin. It's been a long time since that has felt OK to do in public. The last time I truly remember that being OK was when I was in the Maldives and then I was very anorexic in my eating and thinking. I even felt too thin yet loved it. It's so baffling the mental illness that comes with all of this. Yesterday I felt OK, free and easy. Thank you God.
Although, I hasten to add I was feeling fat. I was on Friday as well. Even more so yesteray as I had given a lift to a fellow student who is painfully anorexic. She explained she has been near death and still dying from her illness. She hates the way she looks and has a desire to live but no desire to change her eating hbits. Walking, walking, walking is a part of her illness. This reminds me of the woman in my vilalge here. Walking, walking, walking but telling everyone it's to do with circulation. I wonder if she has treatment at all. C from yesterdays adventure has been discharged by the NHS having been diagnosed as chronic. Their prognosis is not good and there is no more support they can offer. I talked about FA. She showed an interest and apparently has already looked at the website. That is inspiring. I will send her some links and numbers to start calling. But she has to want to do some things very differntly. I was able to ask an FA'er politely whether she was anorexic when she came to FA. She was open about her situation. I explained the encounter I had and immediately S said to give her number to C. Here's the programme C if you want to do things differently and start living. It works. It really does!
Feeling fat and also sexualising feelings I think. I was interested in men to be interested in me. None of them was I actually attracted to but needing, needing, needing to be attractive to them. Ugh! I hate this. It's so vain and arrogant. And then the flipside is I don't feel good enough to be attractive to anyone anyway. I think anyone who might be interested would simply be after one thing and not really interested in me, the person. It's so flipping confusing. I am trying to work out why I've been feeling fat and sexualising. Analysing is not good for me. So instead, as my sponsor suggested and another FA, it's a reminder that this illness doesn't go away. Whether I'm standing at the refrigerator door trying not to eat or looking for men to find me attractive (only ever sexually when it's like that). Just indicators that the obsession is alive and kicking. If there's something underneath than it's not clear to me at this point. If I'm meant to know it will reveal itself in God's time not mine. I just need to hand this over to God and ask for God's help.
God please help me.
I have taken a decision (after talking with my sponsor too) to buy cheaper brands of food. I don't think I can bring myself to eat the cheaper salmon cuts as they are so fatty and look repulsive. I think I would reach when putting it in my mouth. However, I will buy cheaper veggies where I can. I worry about the GM produces and the unknown side effects.
I would love to buy from local farms but this is expensive too. Actually there are so many websites with different information - some saying tthick skinned veggies are less likely to absorb chemicals But then another that says aples and tomatoes do absorb chemicals or maybe it's that "they've" been GMing them. I remember reading somewhere or being told that tomatoes were being genetically modified with fish cells - bloody hell! Clever but dangerous too. Another site made sense to me because I think it's what I wanted to read - it's better to invest in organic proteins and get cheaper veggie products. It's flipping scary. But then I have a gall bladder full of gall stones apparently. The direct result of not taking care of my diet for probably most of my life. Fat gets stored and converted there perhaps and the doc said it can be as a result of rapid weight loss and/or gain. That's me. HIgh fat foods and rapid size and weight changes. So I need to buy price wisely and get on with it. Eating fresh anyway is surely better than whatI was eating!!
As I dropped C and T at Oxford railway station, it was a memory trip of Oxford. Times of visiting the City when I had lived in Aylesbury. Drinking evening with J, T and M. Then a visit to the Randolph for dinner and drinks through a work arrangement. I didn't ever really appreciate the luxury life I was dabbling with and now cannot even think of a coffee there. Bloody hell! It's how things are.
I am practicing my gratitude. I have a job. And I love the work. I have difficulties thatI am facing on a daily basis and this is helping me to grow. And I have a monthly salary coming in right now. On top of that during these increasingly difficult times financially I've had offeres of additional work after hours. This means longer days during already long days. However it's extra money that might help me get out of the current overdraft hole I'm in. I've asked the bank to consider refunding the charges. It's been passed on to the relevant department. I am hoping for a yes as this will help arrest the increasingly difficult situation. I have been getting some extra hours in already and this month there are even more hours I'm getting. I need to take it while it lasts. It's all too easy for me to say I'm so tired, when do I fet rest time, etc, etc, and forget to be gratefult that I have this opportunity. This is the situation and I've asked for help. It's arriving in ways I didn't think of and could easily be ungrateful of. A change of attitude is very good for my soul. I feel uplifted and fulfilled.
Similarly, when sitting lsitenign to B and A, I had a change of attitude. I noticed myself thinking, this is boring. I altered this thinking. I became interested in them and their thoughts and plans on things. Rather than be self-righteous and arrogant, I listened. I asked questions and listened some more. I was getting an understanding of them. They seem content. They were totally at ease with me eating my meal and had gone to the trouble of booking a restaurant that would allow me to eat my own food. They didn;t seem at all perturbed. They chatted and seem content with their life. I was looking for the anger and discontent in B. I think I see some issues there. Her lack of confidence and how that's also manifesting in her daughter. But I also see someone who is OK with things, not analysing that and getting on with what she has got rather than dwelling on what she hasn't. I'm very glad that it's not my life but that doesn't mean it's not OK for them.
It is nice thatI can keep in touch and meet up once in a while. I was close by so it made sense. It wasn't grand, in fact humble and that's OK in my book. I have little in terms of material and sometimes can hanker after the good life by proxy. However, it suited my budget.
How much easier it is for me to take this attitude and appreciate people for how they are. I also know that as much as they are likeable I have friends that are on a more similar wave length and interests and can spend more time with them. This is how the world works. I do not need to occlude the pbits that don't suit me. I can join in with everything and everyone to some degree. Love and peace and acceptance.
This is a good feel and one I will hope to nurture.
On Thursday I heard myself at the end of the day saying "No, you can't do it that way because ....." and at this point I realised I had said no and been obstructive to every suggestion LK had made. I stopped in my tracks and realised I could take a different approach. I could say things like "that sounds interesting" or "that's a new idea" or "I'm interested to know more". I'm not sure she actually does want others opinions unless they are in accordance with her own. So it is now about finding a way to express my opinions and concerns. I did and it seems that my prayers are working because she became more flexible and agreeable finding alternative ways to accommodate both old and her new ideas. I have to laugh because a part of me doesn't want her to sart being the things I wanted to start being first - agreeable, flexible, adaptable, approachable, dependable - etc. It's as if she has stolen my thunder. How arrogant of me yet again. She has made some attitude changes and God thank you as it made things a lot easier for me on Friday. I found a way to ask for help with the morning group. I asked her to lead and I would follow as I needed some guidance and training. There was one occasion where I asked some questions and gave feedback and she stepped in. I think I am getting it more - reflect less often, ask questions of each person and keep them coming in. The group did do a lot of the work it's true. I was able to observe the reactions and feed those back to the client the group were taling to. Afterwards, she made a call to implement some changes. It was remarkable. Whether she stickes with it and somehow I doubt she will, is another matter. I am suspicious of the codependence in her and think she will have changed her mind once again by the time she gets home.
It's her journey and she received the very appropriate feedback. Also each client was allowed to have their opinion and express it. But also I was able to ask them their own feelings and experiences where appropriate. I did like the acknowledgement to one client who is back but has experience of recovery. That was affirming. I see good pointers thatI can learn from. And also some things I don't want to pick up. That's healthy.
Humility shines through at times in me.
I need to go shopping and then come back and read. I have so many ideas for making learning notes but just no time to do it and then the time I could spend doing it ..... well I also need me time and rest time and chores time. Gosh this can seem tricky at times. Life is a game of balancing and that's something I'm not good at. I've always wanted things just how I want them and kicked up a stink when I didn't get them. Oh more joys of receovery.
So get dressed and get to the supermarket, refuel on the way back, bank the cheque from my first and only 1:1 session ha ha. And then into my books for a little while. Then off to AB's for 3pm for a lovely walk at Waggonners Wells in this gloriously warm sunshine. And I can without worrying about my size and the heat and sweating because I'm too lardy. Now it's because it's warm. Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
It's less draining when I let go and stand back. I have to practice it but one of the outcomes is that I am less consumed by the goings on. And without the preoccupation I am less frazzled. It's not perfected by any means. Today I feel tired. And it has been a very full week.
Yesterday I was at Oxford University. Me? At Oxford Uni. It wasn't one of the more famous colleges, such as Magadalen. I was at Oxford Brookes, Headington Hill College of Social Sciences and Law. A beautiful old building although our lectures were in a makeshift prefab. The grouns were beautiful. And the sun was shining. It was warm enough to sit outside in a sleeveless top. Yipppppeeee. And I felt slim enough to take my cardigan off and felt free. This is a joy of receovery. As silly as that may sound. I could do it and almost without a thought. I did sit there thinking it was OK for me to take of my cardigan and feel the suns heat on my skin. It's been a long time since that has felt OK to do in public. The last time I truly remember that being OK was when I was in the Maldives and then I was very anorexic in my eating and thinking. I even felt too thin yet loved it. It's so baffling the mental illness that comes with all of this. Yesterday I felt OK, free and easy. Thank you God.
Although, I hasten to add I was feeling fat. I was on Friday as well. Even more so yesteray as I had given a lift to a fellow student who is painfully anorexic. She explained she has been near death and still dying from her illness. She hates the way she looks and has a desire to live but no desire to change her eating hbits. Walking, walking, walking is a part of her illness. This reminds me of the woman in my vilalge here. Walking, walking, walking but telling everyone it's to do with circulation. I wonder if she has treatment at all. C from yesterdays adventure has been discharged by the NHS having been diagnosed as chronic. Their prognosis is not good and there is no more support they can offer. I talked about FA. She showed an interest and apparently has already looked at the website. That is inspiring. I will send her some links and numbers to start calling. But she has to want to do some things very differntly. I was able to ask an FA'er politely whether she was anorexic when she came to FA. She was open about her situation. I explained the encounter I had and immediately S said to give her number to C. Here's the programme C if you want to do things differently and start living. It works. It really does!
Feeling fat and also sexualising feelings I think. I was interested in men to be interested in me. None of them was I actually attracted to but needing, needing, needing to be attractive to them. Ugh! I hate this. It's so vain and arrogant. And then the flipside is I don't feel good enough to be attractive to anyone anyway. I think anyone who might be interested would simply be after one thing and not really interested in me, the person. It's so flipping confusing. I am trying to work out why I've been feeling fat and sexualising. Analysing is not good for me. So instead, as my sponsor suggested and another FA, it's a reminder that this illness doesn't go away. Whether I'm standing at the refrigerator door trying not to eat or looking for men to find me attractive (only ever sexually when it's like that). Just indicators that the obsession is alive and kicking. If there's something underneath than it's not clear to me at this point. If I'm meant to know it will reveal itself in God's time not mine. I just need to hand this over to God and ask for God's help.
God please help me.
I have taken a decision (after talking with my sponsor too) to buy cheaper brands of food. I don't think I can bring myself to eat the cheaper salmon cuts as they are so fatty and look repulsive. I think I would reach when putting it in my mouth. However, I will buy cheaper veggies where I can. I worry about the GM produces and the unknown side effects.
I would love to buy from local farms but this is expensive too. Actually there are so many websites with different information - some saying tthick skinned veggies are less likely to absorb chemicals But then another that says aples and tomatoes do absorb chemicals or maybe it's that "they've" been GMing them. I remember reading somewhere or being told that tomatoes were being genetically modified with fish cells - bloody hell! Clever but dangerous too. Another site made sense to me because I think it's what I wanted to read - it's better to invest in organic proteins and get cheaper veggie products. It's flipping scary. But then I have a gall bladder full of gall stones apparently. The direct result of not taking care of my diet for probably most of my life. Fat gets stored and converted there perhaps and the doc said it can be as a result of rapid weight loss and/or gain. That's me. HIgh fat foods and rapid size and weight changes. So I need to buy price wisely and get on with it. Eating fresh anyway is surely better than whatI was eating!!
As I dropped C and T at Oxford railway station, it was a memory trip of Oxford. Times of visiting the City when I had lived in Aylesbury. Drinking evening with J, T and M. Then a visit to the Randolph for dinner and drinks through a work arrangement. I didn't ever really appreciate the luxury life I was dabbling with and now cannot even think of a coffee there. Bloody hell! It's how things are.
I am practicing my gratitude. I have a job. And I love the work. I have difficulties thatI am facing on a daily basis and this is helping me to grow. And I have a monthly salary coming in right now. On top of that during these increasingly difficult times financially I've had offeres of additional work after hours. This means longer days during already long days. However it's extra money that might help me get out of the current overdraft hole I'm in. I've asked the bank to consider refunding the charges. It's been passed on to the relevant department. I am hoping for a yes as this will help arrest the increasingly difficult situation. I have been getting some extra hours in already and this month there are even more hours I'm getting. I need to take it while it lasts. It's all too easy for me to say I'm so tired, when do I fet rest time, etc, etc, and forget to be gratefult that I have this opportunity. This is the situation and I've asked for help. It's arriving in ways I didn't think of and could easily be ungrateful of. A change of attitude is very good for my soul. I feel uplifted and fulfilled.
Similarly, when sitting lsitenign to B and A, I had a change of attitude. I noticed myself thinking, this is boring. I altered this thinking. I became interested in them and their thoughts and plans on things. Rather than be self-righteous and arrogant, I listened. I asked questions and listened some more. I was getting an understanding of them. They seem content. They were totally at ease with me eating my meal and had gone to the trouble of booking a restaurant that would allow me to eat my own food. They didn;t seem at all perturbed. They chatted and seem content with their life. I was looking for the anger and discontent in B. I think I see some issues there. Her lack of confidence and how that's also manifesting in her daughter. But I also see someone who is OK with things, not analysing that and getting on with what she has got rather than dwelling on what she hasn't. I'm very glad that it's not my life but that doesn't mean it's not OK for them.
It is nice thatI can keep in touch and meet up once in a while. I was close by so it made sense. It wasn't grand, in fact humble and that's OK in my book. I have little in terms of material and sometimes can hanker after the good life by proxy. However, it suited my budget.
How much easier it is for me to take this attitude and appreciate people for how they are. I also know that as much as they are likeable I have friends that are on a more similar wave length and interests and can spend more time with them. This is how the world works. I do not need to occlude the pbits that don't suit me. I can join in with everything and everyone to some degree. Love and peace and acceptance.
This is a good feel and one I will hope to nurture.
On Thursday I heard myself at the end of the day saying "No, you can't do it that way because ....." and at this point I realised I had said no and been obstructive to every suggestion LK had made. I stopped in my tracks and realised I could take a different approach. I could say things like "that sounds interesting" or "that's a new idea" or "I'm interested to know more". I'm not sure she actually does want others opinions unless they are in accordance with her own. So it is now about finding a way to express my opinions and concerns. I did and it seems that my prayers are working because she became more flexible and agreeable finding alternative ways to accommodate both old and her new ideas. I have to laugh because a part of me doesn't want her to sart being the things I wanted to start being first - agreeable, flexible, adaptable, approachable, dependable - etc. It's as if she has stolen my thunder. How arrogant of me yet again. She has made some attitude changes and God thank you as it made things a lot easier for me on Friday. I found a way to ask for help with the morning group. I asked her to lead and I would follow as I needed some guidance and training. There was one occasion where I asked some questions and gave feedback and she stepped in. I think I am getting it more - reflect less often, ask questions of each person and keep them coming in. The group did do a lot of the work it's true. I was able to observe the reactions and feed those back to the client the group were taling to. Afterwards, she made a call to implement some changes. It was remarkable. Whether she stickes with it and somehow I doubt she will, is another matter. I am suspicious of the codependence in her and think she will have changed her mind once again by the time she gets home.
It's her journey and she received the very appropriate feedback. Also each client was allowed to have their opinion and express it. But also I was able to ask them their own feelings and experiences where appropriate. I did like the acknowledgement to one client who is back but has experience of recovery. That was affirming. I see good pointers thatI can learn from. And also some things I don't want to pick up. That's healthy.
Humility shines through at times in me.
I need to go shopping and then come back and read. I have so many ideas for making learning notes but just no time to do it and then the time I could spend doing it ..... well I also need me time and rest time and chores time. Gosh this can seem tricky at times. Life is a game of balancing and that's something I'm not good at. I've always wanted things just how I want them and kicked up a stink when I didn't get them. Oh more joys of receovery.
So get dressed and get to the supermarket, refuel on the way back, bank the cheque from my first and only 1:1 session ha ha. And then into my books for a little while. Then off to AB's for 3pm for a lovely walk at Waggonners Wells in this gloriously warm sunshine. And I can without worrying about my size and the heat and sweating because I'm too lardy. Now it's because it's warm. Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
XX
10,000 hits!
Thanks anyone and everyone who has taken a peek at my blog for whatever reason.
It would be lovely if there are people who actually read it but that's not actually the purpose.
It's for ME! A place to write whatever is going on. Takes some courage I can tell you.
Revealing warts and all .....
Interestingly the majority of hits (according to what seems like a very fallible record and somewhat improvised) is to view Mapplethorpe's pictures that I have re-posted. An interesting photographer. I was introduced to him originally by JH. Since then another person I know had acquired one of his photography books. Wow! He's such an interesting photographer. Statements? Shock value? Creative? Erotic or pornographic? Intriguing? Interesting?
At some of the photos I have found glorious in a celebration of womanhood and at others I have winced at the cruelty in them. Compelling somehow. But my wince tells me that some of these photos I just can not believe he has taken. It would be fascinating to listen to him talking about his thoughts and impressions and creativity.
I would love to receive comments from any blog stoppers - rarely do I hear anything from anyone.
Bliss
XX
It would be lovely if there are people who actually read it but that's not actually the purpose.
It's for ME! A place to write whatever is going on. Takes some courage I can tell you.
Revealing warts and all .....
Interestingly the majority of hits (according to what seems like a very fallible record and somewhat improvised) is to view Mapplethorpe's pictures that I have re-posted. An interesting photographer. I was introduced to him originally by JH. Since then another person I know had acquired one of his photography books. Wow! He's such an interesting photographer. Statements? Shock value? Creative? Erotic or pornographic? Intriguing? Interesting?
At some of the photos I have found glorious in a celebration of womanhood and at others I have winced at the cruelty in them. Compelling somehow. But my wince tells me that some of these photos I just can not believe he has taken. It would be fascinating to listen to him talking about his thoughts and impressions and creativity.
I would love to receive comments from any blog stoppers - rarely do I hear anything from anyone.
Bliss
XX
Sunday 18 March 2012
Tempting tempests - the darkest storms before the brightest dawns
Just a little thought about fear. I was wondering where all this fear comes from. Now I've often heard people say that addicts are people who are super sensitive. I don't know if this is true or not. What might be possible in as my own theory is that there are indeed people who are more sensitive than others. And this is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. In fact both are needed in the greater scheme of communities and survival if I take an evolutionary perspective. Those that are pragmatic and less sensitive will have the focus to get things organised and done whilst those that are sensitive will be acutely aware and mindful of others needs or indeed of potential dangers. However, these sensitivities have seemingly been less useful as communities have changed and pragmatism appeared to be the only useful way forward. Getting things done and achieving. As an example, my dad could not abide emotional reactions to situations. This will have been a mix of extreme emotions from his own mother.Well this is what I gathered from things he has implied. Then he went off and joined the army and had to be completely stoic in matters of killing and death of associates. So emotions were completely redundant to him by this time. Now as a child if I was sensitive rather than receiving reassurance I was scolded. This will have created a hyper-sensitivity. Being sensitive was admonished and so the things that I was sensitive to were not stabilised. I was not given guidance how to manage these situations. In fact the situation was worsened with a fear element introduced. There were times though that he could be the hero and the saviour,e ven gentle. But it was so inconsistent and this in itself created uncertainty. I had to use my sensitivity to try and gauge which version of him was present. And of course never really being able to gauge fully, thereby beginning to question myself. When I was cautious he might be really lovly and vice versa. Especialy with other people around. He could be so very charming and others wouldn't see the frightening, dangerous version of him. So I could feel quite insane. He would deny everything of course compounding my feelings of madness.
The start of a world full of fears and uncertainty, little else.
I feel very grateful that I had a relationship with my mum that offered some certainty and reassurance, so I know what it can feel like. I could snuggle into her and feel safe. She even tried I think at times to confront my dad but he was a fearsome fierce force to take on. He was so so raging in his heart and this spilled out everywhere.
The next layer is that somehow my bran wiring leaves me with a predisposition to depression and addiction. I am absolutely certain these are not defects or disabilities as they are often labelled but also there will be an evolutionary perspective on these conditions. However, these days there is little use seen for them and could be the escalation of inconsistency mixed with sensitivity. So indeed maybe depression is a corrupted form developed from that unhealthy mix. And addiction? Well I think that has it's uses in less extreme forms for tenacity. Similarly OCD and other such extreme symptoms. Anyway, the lack of containing sensitivity even by acknowledging it and valuing me coupled with a propensity towards addiction then looks as if the two come together. Indeed I meet a majority of addicted people who are incredibly sensitive people. But it's so "knocked out" of people because it's considered not useful or weak to be sensitive.
I rally value my sensitivity. I can use it to help me to be mindful of myself and of others. When I stop and feel it byt the way as I know I need to with LK. I am mindful away from her of deep rooted fear that is explosive and disruptive. It creates chaos.
Please Universe help me to be mindful and loving in all situations. Please Universe I offer LK to you and please bless her heart. Please bless my dad's heart and his wife's too. Please bless the hearts of all of my wonderful friends, colleagues and fellows. Please Universe put love and bliss in the hearts of everyone around the world and save us from wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
Oddly all of these can be sexualised and appear tempting. For instance in movies with Dracula, his "brides" can be temptuous creating lust which will lead onto all the others, such as envy evoking wrath, linked with pride and gluttony, over indulgence and extravagance. Versus greed which is the desire for more. Eek it all sounds so horrid and yet can look so tempting. The devil is temptation in form. Gosh it can be hard to resist temptation.
Hmm anyway lots of thoughts .....
Bliss
XX
Hieronymus 'simages of the Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things
The start of a world full of fears and uncertainty, little else.
I feel very grateful that I had a relationship with my mum that offered some certainty and reassurance, so I know what it can feel like. I could snuggle into her and feel safe. She even tried I think at times to confront my dad but he was a fearsome fierce force to take on. He was so so raging in his heart and this spilled out everywhere.
The next layer is that somehow my bran wiring leaves me with a predisposition to depression and addiction. I am absolutely certain these are not defects or disabilities as they are often labelled but also there will be an evolutionary perspective on these conditions. However, these days there is little use seen for them and could be the escalation of inconsistency mixed with sensitivity. So indeed maybe depression is a corrupted form developed from that unhealthy mix. And addiction? Well I think that has it's uses in less extreme forms for tenacity. Similarly OCD and other such extreme symptoms. Anyway, the lack of containing sensitivity even by acknowledging it and valuing me coupled with a propensity towards addiction then looks as if the two come together. Indeed I meet a majority of addicted people who are incredibly sensitive people. But it's so "knocked out" of people because it's considered not useful or weak to be sensitive.
I rally value my sensitivity. I can use it to help me to be mindful of myself and of others. When I stop and feel it byt the way as I know I need to with LK. I am mindful away from her of deep rooted fear that is explosive and disruptive. It creates chaos.
Please Universe help me to be mindful and loving in all situations. Please Universe I offer LK to you and please bless her heart. Please bless my dad's heart and his wife's too. Please bless the hearts of all of my wonderful friends, colleagues and fellows. Please Universe put love and bliss in the hearts of everyone around the world and save us from wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
Oddly all of these can be sexualised and appear tempting. For instance in movies with Dracula, his "brides" can be temptuous creating lust which will lead onto all the others, such as envy evoking wrath, linked with pride and gluttony, over indulgence and extravagance. Versus greed which is the desire for more. Eek it all sounds so horrid and yet can look so tempting. The devil is temptation in form. Gosh it can be hard to resist temptation.
Hmm anyway lots of thoughts .....
Bliss
XX
Hieronymus 'simages of the Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things
A Vision For You and Joys of Recovery
There are fractions from AA that adopt the afore mentioned "titles" to their recovery. It scares me but I have to remember that it is just something that isn't right for me. I do see newcomers cobbled by them though.Well I haven't actually seen it but heard about it from newcomers. It worries me as they know no better and it undermines the experience of choice that I have today. The picture in my head reminds me of Agent Smith from The Matrix trilogy ...
I have taken this information from Wikipedia.
Smith began as an Agent, an AI program in the Matrix. Programmed to keep order within the system by terminating human simulacra which would bring instability to the simulated reality, as well as any rogue programs that no longer serve a purpose to the Machine collective. To this end, Smith possesses the ability to take control over the simulated body of any human wired into the Matrix. As an Agent, Smith is able to bend the rules of the Matrix (such as gravity and the limitations of the human body), giving him speed and strength beyond ordinary human capability. He and other Agents can dodge bullets flawlessly, punch through concrete with their bare hands, and jump impossible distances. Agents also have the ability to communicate with each other instantaneously and perceive what other humans wired into the Matrix do via a type of shared consciousness, represented visually via their earpieces (when Agent Smith removes his earpiece during the first film, he is left unaware of the attack on his building). Smith's weapon of choice in the first film, as is standard with all Agents within the Matrix, is the Desert Eagle, chambered for high-caliber .50 AE ammunition.
At the end of the first Matrix film, Smith appeared to have been deleted by Neo; however, in the sequels, Smith is revealed to have been "freed" from the Machines' control, preventing him from being forcibly sent to the system source where he and other programs would be deleted. This process makes him into a renegade program, effectively making him a self-replicating computer virus. Along with his freedom, Smith gains the ability to copy himself onto others within the Matrix, rather than simply having the ability to switch between bodies as normal agents are able to. By copying himself into a human in the process of disconnecting from the Matrix by making use of the in-Matrix landlines
Smith is able to insert himself into the outside world. This is seen when Smith takes over Bane's body in The Matrix Reloaded. Smith's real power comes from his ability to absorb memories and power from his victims, culminating in his form that fights Neo in the final battle of the Matrix series. Smith goes so far as to copy himself into the Oracle and he even tries to control Morpheus, and Neo himself.
I almost visualise these people as turning up in dark suits and sunglasses, very serious indeed and sticking together in clusters to keep their strength. Just like agents. The thing is there is a reasonable looking purpose as with Agent Smith to offer a service to keep the positivity. And to remind about people about remaining vigilant. The problem s that by being so utterly break-away there is a power that is going on. There seems to be a corruption taking place of the basic texts and the gentleness of the fellowship. I can see how this happens with humans time and time again. There seems to be a desire to destroy any individuality in case this is dangerous. I am not sure what Wikipedia is saying about destroying the simulacra because that seems to me that Agent Smith is out to destroy anything that is likeness to humanness if I am understanding simulacra correctly. Whereas I see it as a destruction of uniqueness. It is fear I think glowing through but manifesting as powerful and controlling. Please Universe what is this? The destruction infiltrating even the growth of the recovery world which is about bringing freedom and joy from the heart not from external controls. It will of course attract power hungry who are deep down scared. Scared of life. Not secure in their own selves. I see it I think. How can I allow this to be all a part of the freedom of choice and growth too? Who am I to judge? I know it's not right for me at this time.I imagine there are people who consider FA a fractious group and the rigidity of the programme perhaps too much. I used to think such thoughts and yet I am discovering that if those boundaries are kept I get freedom from within. Perhaps These Agent Smith's are doing the same. Except they seem to recruit rather than just living their programme and promoting it that way. It's a break from one of the vital Traditions - number 11.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
It's good if people can show the opposite as well and then newcomers can choose something different. I guess it shows commitment to recovery if they put not drinking and following the overall suggestions anyway. It's troublesome though.
I have taken this information from Wikipedia.
Smith began as an Agent, an AI program in the Matrix. Programmed to keep order within the system by terminating human simulacra which would bring instability to the simulated reality, as well as any rogue programs that no longer serve a purpose to the Machine collective. To this end, Smith possesses the ability to take control over the simulated body of any human wired into the Matrix. As an Agent, Smith is able to bend the rules of the Matrix (such as gravity and the limitations of the human body), giving him speed and strength beyond ordinary human capability. He and other Agents can dodge bullets flawlessly, punch through concrete with their bare hands, and jump impossible distances. Agents also have the ability to communicate with each other instantaneously and perceive what other humans wired into the Matrix do via a type of shared consciousness, represented visually via their earpieces (when Agent Smith removes his earpiece during the first film, he is left unaware of the attack on his building). Smith's weapon of choice in the first film, as is standard with all Agents within the Matrix, is the Desert Eagle, chambered for high-caliber .50 AE ammunition.
At the end of the first Matrix film, Smith appeared to have been deleted by Neo; however, in the sequels, Smith is revealed to have been "freed" from the Machines' control, preventing him from being forcibly sent to the system source where he and other programs would be deleted. This process makes him into a renegade program, effectively making him a self-replicating computer virus. Along with his freedom, Smith gains the ability to copy himself onto others within the Matrix, rather than simply having the ability to switch between bodies as normal agents are able to. By copying himself into a human in the process of disconnecting from the Matrix by making use of the in-Matrix landlines
Smith is able to insert himself into the outside world. This is seen when Smith takes over Bane's body in The Matrix Reloaded. Smith's real power comes from his ability to absorb memories and power from his victims, culminating in his form that fights Neo in the final battle of the Matrix series. Smith goes so far as to copy himself into the Oracle and he even tries to control Morpheus, and Neo himself.
I almost visualise these people as turning up in dark suits and sunglasses, very serious indeed and sticking together in clusters to keep their strength. Just like agents. The thing is there is a reasonable looking purpose as with Agent Smith to offer a service to keep the positivity. And to remind about people about remaining vigilant. The problem s that by being so utterly break-away there is a power that is going on. There seems to be a corruption taking place of the basic texts and the gentleness of the fellowship. I can see how this happens with humans time and time again. There seems to be a desire to destroy any individuality in case this is dangerous. I am not sure what Wikipedia is saying about destroying the simulacra because that seems to me that Agent Smith is out to destroy anything that is likeness to humanness if I am understanding simulacra correctly. Whereas I see it as a destruction of uniqueness. It is fear I think glowing through but manifesting as powerful and controlling. Please Universe what is this? The destruction infiltrating even the growth of the recovery world which is about bringing freedom and joy from the heart not from external controls. It will of course attract power hungry who are deep down scared. Scared of life. Not secure in their own selves. I see it I think. How can I allow this to be all a part of the freedom of choice and growth too? Who am I to judge? I know it's not right for me at this time.I imagine there are people who consider FA a fractious group and the rigidity of the programme perhaps too much. I used to think such thoughts and yet I am discovering that if those boundaries are kept I get freedom from within. Perhaps These Agent Smith's are doing the same. Except they seem to recruit rather than just living their programme and promoting it that way. It's a break from one of the vital Traditions - number 11.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
It's good if people can show the opposite as well and then newcomers can choose something different. I guess it shows commitment to recovery if they put not drinking and following the overall suggestions anyway. It's troublesome though.
sim·u·la·crum
1. a slight, unreal, or superficial likeness or semblance.
2. an effigy, image, or representation: a simulacrum of Aphrodite.
Ah ha - I see so Agent Smith is there to destroy anything that is trying to superficially resemble something human and therefore lead people off the Matrix - astray from the grid. Yes that's what these "agents" seem to be doing. But they are losing something and becoming a super power or believe they are and their task so to speak is actually becoming destructive. This is what happens time and time again. Universe please can you help humans to be aware of and so drop their fears. To love instead and be equal through love. There is room for all.
But these people seem impervious to hearing any other points of views, dodging all tings that come at them. The more they get shot at the stronger they become.
And whereas before they were ostracised s they created their own environment, now they are infiltrating the meetings that they first moved away from. They want to recruit others to "rescue" them and show them THE way. Phew. This is a potential for battle later on. There will be those that will take on the fight. And in the end what will happen?
Universe please take care of everyone in this escalating situation.
Bliss
XX
Big Clouds, little sky
Well you see by staying abstinent clarity comes. But not without help.
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...
One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.
Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use). The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.
Bliss
xx
Last evening on the way home from the meeting I started to want sugar products. I think I had wanted sugar products earlier and this may have been partly triggered by looking for chocolates for G for mothers day, which is today. God bless my mum. I miss her enormously. I might trek over to her grave this afternoon. Why not? And then I could pop over to S and C's just to say hello. Sounds like a plan.
I wonder if it would be appropriate then to pop in and say hello to Sister N too. If I left here at about 4 or 5 pm I could do all of that. Is there a Homebase of DIY place to get some seeds and potatoes for planting. Yep I'll have my own crop soon thanks to my friendly neighbour V. He's my gardener and I'm his chauffeur.
I learnt how the capital I came about - in older olde English apparently we used the word ich, more Germanic it seems. Gradually the ch got dropped, leaving of course i. But then i seemed so little, insignificant in a sentence and thus was capitalised I. Why not capitalise a then? Well apparently it was round enough to be able to be substantial in it's lower case form. Interesting huh, the evolution of language. I was interested by Chief Rabbi Lord Saks' Thought for the Day on Friday and the main literary revolutions ...
One small item of news this week was one of the great signs of our time. The world’s most famous encyclopedia will no longer be published in printed form. It will exist only through the internet. Is this the beginning of the end of the printed word? Will our grandchildren be amazed that people once used newspapers and books? And how are we going to read in the bath?
Truth is that the great changes in the human situation happen when there is a revolution in information technology. There have been three so far. We are living through the fourth. And each had spiritual significance.
The first was the invention of writing: cuneiform in Mesopotamia. This was the birth of civilisation, because writing allows us to accumulate knowledge beyond the limits of unaided human memory.
The second, 38 centuries ago, was the birth of the alphabet, in the form of proto-Semitic, the earliest form of Phoenician and Hebrew writing, discovered by British archaeologist Flinders Petrie in the Sinai desert in 1903. The very word alphabet comes from the first two Hebrew letters, aleph bet, which later became in Greek, alpha beta.
The alphabet encoded all knowledge into less than thirty symbols and created for the first time the prospect of universal literacy and with it universal human dignity. The alphabet made possible the Book of books, the Bible, and Genesis 1’s revolutionary statement that we are all, each of us, in the image of god.
Third was the invention of printing by Gutenberg in Germany in the fifteenth century, which may not have caused the Reformation of Luther and Calvin, but allowed it to spreader wider, faster than any new idea had ever done before, transforming the religious face of Europe.
And now the fourth revolution: instantaneous global communication and the electronic word instead of the printed one. In the long run, by equalising access to knowledge, it will enhance the dignity of the individual. But there’s a long way to go between here and there.
Jews like me love this technology. But we won’t let it stop us remaining the people of the Book. Our sacred text, the Torah, is still written today as it always was, by hand, by quill, on parchment, as an eternal reminder that we must never forget where we came from if we’re to get to where we want to be. If we want to travel safely into the future we must carry with us the wisdom of the past.
Anyway, this is way off track. I left the meeting wanting to eat sugar products. I put this down to ritualisation, as I often would leave the meeting and being conveniently out I would stop at the local late opening Tesco store and buy up lots of flour and sugar products. I would dither in my choices trying not to have too much, wanting to buy the less fattening but at the same time not being able to resist. The idea that I would be able to get home and curl up on the settee with a film and eat. That I did regularly. Then as I was speaking this morning about this I got more clarity. What caused the ritual in the first place aside from the fact I was already out and could buy these foods? Well I talked about the ways in which I realised I was sexualising feelings during the meeting. I feel a discomfort in the meeting.Usually there are more men than women. I also realise that I wonder about different men. By wonder, I question if they are someone I could have a relationship with. And some I think are a little too forward. I am scared of how I can be with men. It's a sort of power thing. And that I realise is a fear of them. Yet also I am so self loathing I don't think for a minute anyone would be interested in ugly me. I flit between feeling very attractive to completely ugly. I have no idea, absolutely no idea whether I am attractive or not. This I believe is dysmorphia. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am attractive and other times I just think ugh! It's very bizarre. Anyway, the realisation is that I am sexualising fear so automatically I don't even realise I'm doing it. I do it through these mini fantasies. The are momentary but fantasies nonetheless. I am very grateful that I have made the commitment to no engaging with men in any form of intrigue or flirtation for the next year. As my sponsor said this leaves room to develop my relationship with God. If I did start I would be using and that blocks out the opportunity to develop the relationship. The cloak comes over and blots out the view of God, the clarity of thought and mind and the awareness to be honest. It's not a malicious thought, it's addictive and automatic. So to step back leaves breathing space.
I was able to say to my sponsor that I almost feel as if I'm putting a pressure on her to understand the sex and love addiction,l to get it right and understand me. To be able to name the behaviours and attitudes correctly. I wanted to tell her so that I was honest and could step back from that too. I want to be able to say see I told you so, I'm different.
She could take that well though and my honesty enables me to step out of that attitude. I'm no more special and different than anyone else who also uses sex and love to varying degrees. I'm not the worst nor the best, I just do. I don't need to make those kind of comparisons about how bad an addict I am (using that word generically to represent any of the addictive behaviours I can so easily use). The thing is I know I am an addict and I can use anything. What ensues when I'm using is chaos and devastation. I prefer today to be learning just how to deal with situations that were once baffling to me and the only way I knew how to cope was to escape them. Not always entirely, sometimes it would just be using something to take the edge of so that I could stay. But usually I end up, well these days anyway, by hating myself for the way I behaved int he situation and analysing it over and over again what I should have done, what I could have done, what I would have done. As SH says "shoulda, coulda, woulda". Yes all of that is so much easier with abstinence and help by talking things through.
Thank you God that it is not my way today to enter into the situations with men to test out the water, or to eat sugar and flour products or large quantities and restricted quantities. Thank you God that I don't drink alcohol today or take drugs. And thank you God for the fellowship of FA to help me to remain abstinent with all the "tools" there for me to pick up.
If I am vigilant on a daily basis then I can have this one day at a time fr the rest of my life. I have faith that it's there for me and gaining strength that I can turn to it whatever situation I am faced with.
Yesterday I just could not find the energy to start studying. I permitted myself a day of much needed rest. I needed to recoup energy after the draining week of interaction with someone who I am finding difficult. It's remarkable that despite the pressure of my study load I permitted myself the day of rest. I prepared my lunch and went over to AB's to eat and then we went out for a walk. I did my food shopping on the way and bought petrol. I forgot to bank the cheque from my client. Poop. I will try and do that tomorrow on my way home. The cashpoint has a banking letterbox that is accessible.
That will at least contribute to the food and petrol I bought yesterday totalling £80 and even then I had forgotten spinach.
I will eat from the foods I've been storing in the freezer. I do that, I hoard food for just in case situations but it's a cost really. I then buy offers. I have enough food for this week and even slightly beyond apart from the spinach and other fresh salad foods.
So I am pleased for the clarity I am getting. Next I can learn how to be more relaxed interacting with men and remove that fear of me with them. I am very wary of them and it's not surprising as I've had some very harmful experiences. My dad, GW, amongst a number of horrible situations and experiences. Often the horror could occur because of my contribution to the situation, especially not knowing that I could say no, or would know to avoid certain types. Instead I would be grateful for a smile and give myself so completely. I do not want to do that anymore. If some day I do meet someone, which I would like very much, it would be hopefully with me knowing that that person is right for me and he would know that about me too. It would be equal and loving. Someone who is willing to work through issues and difficulties too. Someone who is a stayer to discover what is real or not.
The scenery from my window today is just wonderful. Blue skies and bright light from the sun. Fluffy white clouds that seem utterly still. And greenery starting to show through. The trees are still brown.
Thank you Universe for my abstinence today and for clarity. I have gratitude.
Bliss
xx
Saturday 17 March 2012
Sex and alcohol
15 March 2012 Last updated at 18:32
In an article in Science, researchers suggest that alcohol stimulates the flies' brains as a "reward" in a similar way to sexual conquest.
The work points to a brain chemical called neuropeptide F, which seems to be regulated by the flies' behaviour.
Human brains have a similar chemical, which may react in a similar way.
The connection between alcohol and this chemical, which in humans is known as neuropeptide Y, has already been noted in studies involving hard-drinking mice.
The new work explores the link between such reward-seeking and the study of social interactions, said the lead author of the report Galit Shohat-Ophir, now of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute in Virginia, US.
"It is thought that reward systems evolved to reinforce behaviours that are important for the survival of both individuals and species, like food consumption and mating," Dr Shohat-Ophir told BBC News.
"Drugs of abuse kind of hijack the same neural pathways used by natural rewards, so we wanted to use alcohol - which is an extreme example of a compound that can affect the reward system - to get into the mechanism of what makes social interaction rewarding for animals."
'Control system'
Working in the laboratory of Ulrike Heberlein at the University of California, San Francisco, Dr Shohat-Ophir and colleagues subjected a number of flies to a wide variety of fates.
In one set of experiments, male flies were put in a box with five virgin females, which were receptive to the males' advances. In another, males were locked up with females that had already mated and which thus roundly rejected the males' attempts at sex.
Offered either their normal food slurry or a version charged with 15% alcohol, the mated males avoided the alcohol, whereas the sexually deprived males went on a comparative bender.
The team then went on a hunt for a chemical that could tie the two parts of this story together, hitting on neuropeptide F (NPF).
In mammals, the "rewarding"
brain chemical is called neuropeptide Y
They found that the heavy-drinking rejected males had a lowered level of the chemical, and sated, mated males had an elevated level.
"What we think is that these NPF levels are some kind of 'molecular signature' to the experience," Dr Shohat-Ophir explained.
To show that the NPF is actually responsible for the change rather than just associated with it, the researchers actively manipulated just how much NPF was in the flies' brains.
Those with depressed levels acted like the rejected males, and those with elevated levels behaved like the mated males.
"What this leads us to think is that the fly brain - and presumably also other animals' and human brains - have some kind of a system to control their level of internal reward, that once the internal reward level is down-regulated it will be followed by behaviour that will restore it back," Dr Shohat-Ophir said.
It is tempting, given that humans share a similar brain chemical, to imagine that NPF drives human behaviour as well.
However, in an accompanying article in Science, Troy Zars of the University of Missouri wrote that "anthropomorphising the results from flies is difficult to suppress, but the relevance to human behaviour is obviously not yet established".
Nevertheless, he suggested that the work linked "a rewarding social interaction with a lasting change in behaviour".
"Identifying the NPF system as critical in this linkage offers exciting prospects for determining the molecular and genetic mechanisms of reward and could potentially influence our understanding of the mechanisms of drugs of abuse."
Sex-starved fruit flies turn to drink
Male fruit flies that have been
rejected by females drink significantly more alcohol than those that have mated
freely, scientists say.
In an article in Science, researchers suggest that alcohol stimulates the flies' brains as a "reward" in a similar way to sexual conquest.
The work points to a brain chemical called neuropeptide F, which seems to be regulated by the flies' behaviour.
Human brains have a similar chemical, which may react in a similar way.
The connection between alcohol and this chemical, which in humans is known as neuropeptide Y, has already been noted in studies involving hard-drinking mice.
The new work explores the link between such reward-seeking and the study of social interactions, said the lead author of the report Galit Shohat-Ophir, now of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute in Virginia, US.
"It is thought that reward systems evolved to reinforce behaviours that are important for the survival of both individuals and species, like food consumption and mating," Dr Shohat-Ophir told BBC News.
"Drugs of abuse kind of hijack the same neural pathways used by natural rewards, so we wanted to use alcohol - which is an extreme example of a compound that can affect the reward system - to get into the mechanism of what makes social interaction rewarding for animals."
'Control system'
Working in the laboratory of Ulrike Heberlein at the University of California, San Francisco, Dr Shohat-Ophir and colleagues subjected a number of flies to a wide variety of fates.
In one set of experiments, male flies were put in a box with five virgin females, which were receptive to the males' advances. In another, males were locked up with females that had already mated and which thus roundly rejected the males' attempts at sex.
Offered either their normal food slurry or a version charged with 15% alcohol, the mated males avoided the alcohol, whereas the sexually deprived males went on a comparative bender.
The team then went on a hunt for a chemical that could tie the two parts of this story together, hitting on neuropeptide F (NPF).
In mammals, the "rewarding"
brain chemical is called neuropeptide Y They found that the heavy-drinking rejected males had a lowered level of the chemical, and sated, mated males had an elevated level.
"What we think is that these NPF levels are some kind of 'molecular signature' to the experience," Dr Shohat-Ophir explained.
To show that the NPF is actually responsible for the change rather than just associated with it, the researchers actively manipulated just how much NPF was in the flies' brains.
Those with depressed levels acted like the rejected males, and those with elevated levels behaved like the mated males.
"What this leads us to think is that the fly brain - and presumably also other animals' and human brains - have some kind of a system to control their level of internal reward, that once the internal reward level is down-regulated it will be followed by behaviour that will restore it back," Dr Shohat-Ophir said.
It is tempting, given that humans share a similar brain chemical, to imagine that NPF drives human behaviour as well.
However, in an accompanying article in Science, Troy Zars of the University of Missouri wrote that "anthropomorphising the results from flies is difficult to suppress, but the relevance to human behaviour is obviously not yet established".
Nevertheless, he suggested that the work linked "a rewarding social interaction with a lasting change in behaviour".
"Identifying the NPF system as critical in this linkage offers exciting prospects for determining the molecular and genetic mechanisms of reward and could potentially influence our understanding of the mechanisms of drugs of abuse."
AFGO!
Thank goodness it's the weekend. As I sat in silence this morning I felt all my bones crunch back into place after a week of being tensed out of place. A metaphor of course. Visually I saw a sort of animation of a skeleton just cracking, readjusting back into position. Phew I can feel some relaxation throughout my body when I stop to allow it.
In between times I am going over in my head all that has happened.
I can't recall Monday at all. Not one single thing about the day. Was it my first day back? I think it was. Bloody hell it seems as if that was two weeks ago? Was it? I really can't work it out. That's the effect of the circumstances during this week.
Well Tuesday. LK and I facilitated the Process Group. Ew yuch I don't even want to start writing the detail it feels so, uhm, so, I can't find a word or words to articulate what it feels like to start going into detail. It feels exhausting and a beating up. I won't go into detail. I hope it make sense without the detail. LK criticised my way of work. I was aware of her annoyance even during the group and I'm certain at some point the clients would be able to pick up on something. She is wildly furious about a lot of things and a lot of the time. I, of course, don't like criticism but can be open to it to find ways to improve and learn. So I felt uncomfortable but as she went on it seemed that it was a criticism that was actually unjust. She said that too much therapy was taking place in the Process Group. I think as the time is going on I'm beginning to see a point. To a larger extent I agree with her in that the group needs to keep moving and the individuals need to be identifying and processing. Often we as therapists step in. Sometimes of course that's necessary to keep the group moving but right now I am feeling uncertain of anything I'm doing. So I need some guidance and suggestions how to not enter into therapy too much and instead keep the group moving by asking more joggers rather than deep questions. I can learn from this and I am willing to learn. However, it's less about the what she is saying but more about how. I felt attacked and picked on. When AW stepped in to make her point she was accused of rescuing me to which AW was quite astounded. There seems to be an attack on me. For the rest of the day (which involved a horrible hospital examination which I want to write about later as well) I went over and over the way I entered into the fray. I was aggressively defensive, which is a natural default for me. Everything I said she seemed to twist and turn back at me. I kept trying to explain more. I said that I didn't understand what was going on and felt unsafe. She asked me to explain that and when I did she threw more at me. I did step back at that point as AW started speaking. I tried to explain that what she is suggesting is not what we've done because really I didn't want it to change but I realised that she wants things done in a particular way then that's that. I tried to say that I felt unsafe as she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to change anything but does actually want to change lots of things and that's OK but I had hoped she would see what the programme is and what works and then gradually bring in her ideas. I can't remember all the responses but basically everything I aid seemed to be misconstrued as an attack on her. I needed to step back and shut up but I didn't. She asked why I felt unsafe and I said because of this conflicting situation and also that she seemed to listen to clients and was split by their comments. You see I had felt that there were layers of other agendas. The day before (oh yes I remember and it was my first day back) we had spent quite a lot of time with one client who was uncomfortable and I believe may have complained. Rather than bringing whatever was said to the team in an open manner, I think LK sat on that and this was the first opportunity to attack with it rather than discuss. Now a further layer is the pressure on LK to have clients in. As we know PD was the master salesman and there were very few times that we were low in numbers. LK did make a comment in the days before I went on leave about getting worried by the soon to be low numbers of clients. I wonder if she is comparing herself with PD and believe she may have insinuated this by something she said, I can't remember what it was exactly now.
So during this contretemps AW was saying something and suddenly LK interrupted and said that we needed to stop and she was setting a boundary that we needed a break. AW was quite boundaried saying that she was in the middle of saying something and would like to finish and did. We went into the office afterwards and I started to get on with the care notes, quietly and feeling battered. AW left to facilitate the next group and LK started again. I tried saying that I thought there was no solution right now and would like to take it to supervision. She said "I can't wait two weeks because you're not here this afternoon!". I seemed very aggressive in tone and accusational. I said that "no because I'm attending my hospital appointment" trying to remind her that it wasn't because I didn't want to. I feel certain that she has a massive grudge against me. So she wouldn't let go. I tried to just listen but she was attacking and aggressive so I defended. In the end I had to leave. I had only managed to get one note done, so gave her the list of the clients to be completed and left.
I felt dreadful. Absolutely deflated and worn down. Earlier in the morning NL had come into the office, prior to all of this and asked to meet with me.We had arranged an appointment for 12:15 Thurs. He said reassuringly me that there was nothing problematic. Perhaps, he protests too much.
Anyhow I drove off towards Portsmouth and called SH. Oh before I actually left LK had taken a call. I laughed as she had misheard the callers name thinking it was a Claire and started asking her when she had last had a drink. Then I heard her say oh SH. Poor LK wears hearing aids, she is very deaf but I sniggered as I walked out of the office at her complete unmanageability even though it's a disability for her.
I called SH from the car. I needed to speak to someone who knew her and could straighten me out because my natural default is to be the problem. I was already thinking I am useless at my job. Any tentative confidence drained from me instantly. I was questioning everything. Thinking too that actually I AM the problem. I am difficult as an employee and started finding all the evidence to prove that to myself over and over again. I was trying to believe what SH was saying to me down the phone as I explained the events with my twist on things too. Obviously all of my recounting is from my point of view and I can be manipulative by withholding my part of things when I dislike them. My defective behaviour. I tired not to but I know I did. I would like to just be able to take ownership of the whole of me, all the nasty stuff about too. Then it's a complete picture and people I call then for support have the full facts. I need to trust those people and it's clear that I can trust some people. B I can trust, T I can trust, A I can trust. They can hear it and somehow then still hear the issue I'm dealing with and support that with me and then I'm able to look at what I need to do and change. It's a skill to be able to do this. I need to learn it. I can learn by watching others doing it and emulate them. The difficulty needs acknowledging first of all. The horrible situation and how crazy it all sounds. And then to look at what is being handled or the only known way. And see how helpful that way is. Sometimes it's important to be encouraging first of all. Allow that simply to be and leave it at that. Solutions don;t need to be hunted out from the off, there is no urgency. And then maybe later once that trust is established that the situation is understood from the individuals perspective there are ways at looking at the individuals part and what changes can be made.
I used to think that when someone said pray, it was a cop out because they didn't know what else to say. This was because actually I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would think that I did without really knowing what I meant by it, even to myself, and would even promote the fact that I did but without being able to articulate what that meant or how I turned to God. Because I didn't. But with FA and my sponsor and other FA members, I have been developing that faith. I believe. I believe that everything will be OK and that if I ask for God's help it will be there. I do forget in the heat of the moment to turn to God. I know thought when I do things feel different even if I can't explain what and why and how. They just do. A serenity descends over me and then there is clarity. That is God entering me. So it's not this God image I still can have of a tyrant, raging in the sky watching over and criticising all the wrong-doings. It's not anything physical or humanly shaped. It's not omnipotence in the sense of domineering power. It's a glorious essence of something gentle and loving. It's something ethereal. It feels like it descends over me hence it feels as if it comes from above. Perhaps it starts in the head and that's why there's this white or crown chakra. Open and the spiritual can enter. Or perhaps it's something that sits in the brain somewhere that just needs to be accessed. Who knows. When it descends my heart fills with love and peace and that's from within. So this sense of tapping into God above and then feeling something deep within all makes sense in terms of what is written in the Bible or other religious scriptures. It's how it seems and is too big for words to be able to describe.
People can be fearsome and ferocious. That's how they are. I am beginning to realise that I don't like it because I am afraid of how I will react. I also become unpredictable. I sit and take it, take some more, and a bit more and then explode. So the bully thinks they can bully me and they keep doing it until I explode but then my reaction is so uncontrolled I can bullied some more, made to think I am crazy and a problem. Bullies do this. It's a dynamic that is set up and drives the victim further and further into a hole, believing the bullies taunts because actually that's how the victim reacts, lashing out ineffectively. I can see it very clearly now through observing me experiencing myself.
It's horrible. I don;t need to make accusations of bullying though. I just need to find ways of dealing with this fro a position of faith and gaining my strength through my faith.
An unpredictable rage-aholic! Uncontained, no boundaries. So that's what I am facing. I know this well. My dad was similar. And I found that so ugly that I am damning of myself when I retaliate in my defense in a similar manner. The rage bubbles up out of me and explodes in a fit of incoherent aspersions. That can then be used and thrown back at me. More frustration of not being understood because actually I'm not making sense. I am throwing out ineffective spears to ward off the attack. But they are so fragile they are picked up and thrown back at me but on the way back they seem to have gathered strength, loaded up with the bullies pernicious venom.
I have a very vivid picture in my mind now. So it is also as clear how I can be different. Non-reactionary is the clue. Be aware of that is happening. It will need me to keep putting aside my pride. And as has been suggested with LK I need to keep asking "how do you think I should deal with this?", "what do you think I should say?", "what is the best way forward do you think?". I have been applying this. She has all the power then but in a form of she is getting what she wants, control. Then it's all her decisions, all the way she wants it and it's also all of her responsibility. It is sad as we all took responsibility as a team before. It felt inclusive and equally responsible, trusting too. I am grieving that way and dislike this way. However, it is how it is. I am sure it comes from a place of fear and I pray to God for compassion for this but right now I am tender and need to take care of myself. It's always a tendency that when people say pray for the other person that I start to think that I am responsible for looking after them. I am so codependent and so misunderstanding of the meaning until right now about this praying for people. I have interpreted it to mean that I need to accept what I don't like as me being wrong. Not to that extreme perhaps. Humph! I am not quite sure how to articulate the way I've interpreted this. But it's certainly along the lines of pray for them because they are not wrong which by default would appear that I think I am wrong and they are right. Interesting. I'm not sure how I've taken the meaning of praying for the other person. Also I can think I am praying because I am right. Actually it's neither of those because we are just who we are. For example, the changes LK wants to introduce and is introducing I just don't happen to like. It doesn't mean they are wrong, it's just different. What I see is some chaos ensuing already. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong. It's a consequence of different ways. The way it has been was very rigid. The consequence being that some people could not get supported by us. They fall by the wayside. This way means that there is a loss of stability. I'm not sure which is more important.
Not doing too much therapy in the Process group means that issues won't be raised and processed therapeutically. Instead that will be done in 1:1's I guess. By doing therapy means that there is less opportunity for interaction between the clients, letting them raise their own issues between them without an agenda to delve deeper. So OK let's go with that. Let me learn but I need to learn some more probing ways to keep the groups moving in that way and assess better when to jump in and when to stand back. It's new for me and uncertain grounds. But I can learn. I have to find the humility to ask now. Yuch!
Something else I've realised is that it's such a relief to have witnesses. SH and AW are there and also encountering what seems like a lack of boundaries and uncontained rage. I think they are being attacked in different ways. SH is wise to the splitting and yesterday that was a lesson for me. Not to be splitable. I need to practise consistency. God please can you help to remain consistent. This would be different from my dad and LK too. I am seeing so many likenesses between LK and my dad but also how it is in me too. In my fear I will "hunt with the hounds and run with the hare" as my mum would say. I need to state my belief and then stick by it. I feel bad for having been vociferous about getting extra staff and then when asked directly afraid of others opinions so saying "I don't know" when asked why we needed so many people. Chicken. I was scared so God please can you help me not to do this. This makes it possible for people to get me on side or off side. I just need to be me and have the courage to stick with my convictions. Actually when SH was saying we needed more staff I wasn't entirely sure we did. If I stepped back from doing LK's work and answering phones etc then we could manage the actual therapeutic day busily but manageable. So I wasn't sure of my point I was being vociferous about but stepped in to be protective of SH and against LK. I need to step back, step back, step back.
Check my motives always. Be careful of getting into battles for other people. I need not to do that. I was pleased to step back from that when I noticed SH had been given yet another client. I am not sure LK really knows what she is doing. I think she is out of her depth at the moment, not really understanding how tings have been working. So she is making decisions based on that and it's all a bit of a muddle. Which is why I would have thought she would take time to just see how things are running and ask questions. I can understand that. For me I would want to look like I'm totally capable and would make decisions without getting to know the full story. Sometimes it would be because I can't see the full picture yet. I need time to watch. If ever I need to lead a team I hope I can apply some of these things tat I see now that value. It means putting aside fears and insecurities, not allowing pride and ego to step in as rescuers from fear and instead embracing everyone as valuable contributors. Listen to people.
Sh reminded me that these behaviours I'm seeing in LK are a sign of my own wellness. I'm finding that difficult to hold on to, confused by judging her behaviours as being wrong. But what I do know that is that I need to trust my feelings. It feels uncomfortable for me. It doesn't mean to say it's all wrong but I prefer someone who is more boundaried, less rigid perhaps, but relaxed because there is stability and serenity. I didn't for instance like the way PD could lash out when tings weren't exactly as he wanted them to be. The rigidity. But he was approachable and could listen to alternatives. Once he formed his opinion about someone's laziness or similar then he was difficult to shift from that especially if he had someone to buy into the gossip element with him. I didn't like that, it seemed unfair even though I have laughed along at times - see my splitability by not standing up for my beliefs. Driven by the fear of being excluded by the bullies and ending up being bullied myself. Gosh it's so ingrained, circular behaviour and beliefs. God I would like to change. Just to be O being me.
I am feeling so tired. I think I have to give myself this morning off. This is all whizzing and whirring and chunking around my head. I so need to study but I need some time out too. God please help me to know how to manage this work, life, study situation.
I feel left out by the study group and at a disadvantage. Perhaps I simply need to see if there are others free at weekends for a potential study group? That's a good idea. Be proactive. Instead of feeling left out open it up for alternatives. Mind you the only time really is Saturdays or Sundays and with 1 1/2 hours fro the AWOL starting on 1st April there won't be much time then for reading. I need more time somehow. How? Times are very difficult it seems.
So anyway, I feel better about behaving in a different way. She hasn't attacked me directly since but did have a quiet discussion with SH on her own trying to say that she knows we all hate her. SH didn't respond to that either way. But was able to say it's the way she's doing things rather than what she's doing.SH did say the same as me, that she doesn't necessarily like or agree with some of the changes but that's OK she can work with it. I love working with SH I will hate it if ever we're not working together. SH could see how battered I am. I feel tense and exhausted through the shear effort of having to be ultra mindful. I'm sure I will settle a little more into changing my ways and knowing that I can't trust LK or indeed NL then I need to be mindful. It will get easier I'm sure of that as change always does. I don't want it to leave me scarred and not trusting generally though. I don't trust and yet am over trusting to being with. Then I get hurt but at least I am open and learn rather than being closed and never learn. I just need to learn to step back and watch and learn through what I see. I don't have anything I need to prove and God please help me to remember that.
As for the hospital - well he scanned me inside and out. Yuch. He said good tings like my ovaries look all OK and this and that was the right shape and size. There were some silences and lots of typing but stupidly I didn't ask if he had found anything untoward. He did say that I had a gall bladder full of gall stones. He pressed in that region and I felt no pain but now I am concerned about that. My mum had her gall bladder removed and I think it was after that her Cancer developed. It's an instinctive sense but strong nonetheless. She was feeling nauseous after eating and had to call the doctor out regularly and I think after removing her gall bladder all of that stopped.So I am assuming the operation was connected. I am also concerned because I have these pains and they seem to find nothing at all. I wonder if something is hidden from view. It's the not knowing that's scary. If they said I had Cancer and it could be removed easily at an early stage then great. However, if it was advanced I would opt out of chemo-therapy. I do not see people enjoy living through that. I suppose I don't know how I'd feel until the time came to actually face that. But right at this moment that is how I do feel. I am wondering if the aches I get in my middle back right hand side are connected with the gall bladder full of gall stones. I asked how that could happen and as he gave various explanations or theories it was easily linked with rapid dieting, i.e anorexia and bulimia and massive overeating and excess fat. A consequence of my food addiction that was probably a vulnerable spot anyway since my mum had something wrong with hers I would think. And she was very overweight, definitely a food addict. Well in my opinion. It was more than simply over eating, she was addicted to many things and sugar, flour and quantity. Just like me! So I feel anxious.
I received a letter from the gynaecologist -
"I have reviewed the histology following your polypectomy and biopsy on 22/02/2012 and I am pleased to report that there was no evidence of any abnormalities. I hope you find this reassuring".
Now I would except the appointment I had had was on the 21st February not the 22nd and also that I still have these pains. I will call my GP on Wednesday and book another appointment. I will enquire about the results of the scans on Tues 13th March and maybe wait for an appointment after these results are in. I am self-caring.
I've decided not to try and study this morning. I just don't feel energised to be able to absorb information. It creates a stress but I need to allow myself some rest time. I have arranged to go shpping and then afterwards meet Abigail for a walk. I will take my lunch of mackerel and beetroot and salad. And I will return this afternoon and complete an hour of studying. This evening I will go to the AA meeting. I need a peaceful weekend and even though I think there's nothing particularly adventurous about this weekend, it's nice that it's an all slow down weekend. Gentle and undulating rather than ragged peaks and steep dales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, breathe in slooooooowwly aaaaaaand breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut gently.
Bliss
XX
In between times I am going over in my head all that has happened.
I can't recall Monday at all. Not one single thing about the day. Was it my first day back? I think it was. Bloody hell it seems as if that was two weeks ago? Was it? I really can't work it out. That's the effect of the circumstances during this week.
Well Tuesday. LK and I facilitated the Process Group. Ew yuch I don't even want to start writing the detail it feels so, uhm, so, I can't find a word or words to articulate what it feels like to start going into detail. It feels exhausting and a beating up. I won't go into detail. I hope it make sense without the detail. LK criticised my way of work. I was aware of her annoyance even during the group and I'm certain at some point the clients would be able to pick up on something. She is wildly furious about a lot of things and a lot of the time. I, of course, don't like criticism but can be open to it to find ways to improve and learn. So I felt uncomfortable but as she went on it seemed that it was a criticism that was actually unjust. She said that too much therapy was taking place in the Process Group. I think as the time is going on I'm beginning to see a point. To a larger extent I agree with her in that the group needs to keep moving and the individuals need to be identifying and processing. Often we as therapists step in. Sometimes of course that's necessary to keep the group moving but right now I am feeling uncertain of anything I'm doing. So I need some guidance and suggestions how to not enter into therapy too much and instead keep the group moving by asking more joggers rather than deep questions. I can learn from this and I am willing to learn. However, it's less about the what she is saying but more about how. I felt attacked and picked on. When AW stepped in to make her point she was accused of rescuing me to which AW was quite astounded. There seems to be an attack on me. For the rest of the day (which involved a horrible hospital examination which I want to write about later as well) I went over and over the way I entered into the fray. I was aggressively defensive, which is a natural default for me. Everything I said she seemed to twist and turn back at me. I kept trying to explain more. I said that I didn't understand what was going on and felt unsafe. She asked me to explain that and when I did she threw more at me. I did step back at that point as AW started speaking. I tried to explain that what she is suggesting is not what we've done because really I didn't want it to change but I realised that she wants things done in a particular way then that's that. I tried to say that I felt unsafe as she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to change anything but does actually want to change lots of things and that's OK but I had hoped she would see what the programme is and what works and then gradually bring in her ideas. I can't remember all the responses but basically everything I aid seemed to be misconstrued as an attack on her. I needed to step back and shut up but I didn't. She asked why I felt unsafe and I said because of this conflicting situation and also that she seemed to listen to clients and was split by their comments. You see I had felt that there were layers of other agendas. The day before (oh yes I remember and it was my first day back) we had spent quite a lot of time with one client who was uncomfortable and I believe may have complained. Rather than bringing whatever was said to the team in an open manner, I think LK sat on that and this was the first opportunity to attack with it rather than discuss. Now a further layer is the pressure on LK to have clients in. As we know PD was the master salesman and there were very few times that we were low in numbers. LK did make a comment in the days before I went on leave about getting worried by the soon to be low numbers of clients. I wonder if she is comparing herself with PD and believe she may have insinuated this by something she said, I can't remember what it was exactly now.
So during this contretemps AW was saying something and suddenly LK interrupted and said that we needed to stop and she was setting a boundary that we needed a break. AW was quite boundaried saying that she was in the middle of saying something and would like to finish and did. We went into the office afterwards and I started to get on with the care notes, quietly and feeling battered. AW left to facilitate the next group and LK started again. I tried saying that I thought there was no solution right now and would like to take it to supervision. She said "I can't wait two weeks because you're not here this afternoon!". I seemed very aggressive in tone and accusational. I said that "no because I'm attending my hospital appointment" trying to remind her that it wasn't because I didn't want to. I feel certain that she has a massive grudge against me. So she wouldn't let go. I tried to just listen but she was attacking and aggressive so I defended. In the end I had to leave. I had only managed to get one note done, so gave her the list of the clients to be completed and left.
I felt dreadful. Absolutely deflated and worn down. Earlier in the morning NL had come into the office, prior to all of this and asked to meet with me.We had arranged an appointment for 12:15 Thurs. He said reassuringly me that there was nothing problematic. Perhaps, he protests too much.
Anyhow I drove off towards Portsmouth and called SH. Oh before I actually left LK had taken a call. I laughed as she had misheard the callers name thinking it was a Claire and started asking her when she had last had a drink. Then I heard her say oh SH. Poor LK wears hearing aids, she is very deaf but I sniggered as I walked out of the office at her complete unmanageability even though it's a disability for her.
I called SH from the car. I needed to speak to someone who knew her and could straighten me out because my natural default is to be the problem. I was already thinking I am useless at my job. Any tentative confidence drained from me instantly. I was questioning everything. Thinking too that actually I AM the problem. I am difficult as an employee and started finding all the evidence to prove that to myself over and over again. I was trying to believe what SH was saying to me down the phone as I explained the events with my twist on things too. Obviously all of my recounting is from my point of view and I can be manipulative by withholding my part of things when I dislike them. My defective behaviour. I tired not to but I know I did. I would like to just be able to take ownership of the whole of me, all the nasty stuff about too. Then it's a complete picture and people I call then for support have the full facts. I need to trust those people and it's clear that I can trust some people. B I can trust, T I can trust, A I can trust. They can hear it and somehow then still hear the issue I'm dealing with and support that with me and then I'm able to look at what I need to do and change. It's a skill to be able to do this. I need to learn it. I can learn by watching others doing it and emulate them. The difficulty needs acknowledging first of all. The horrible situation and how crazy it all sounds. And then to look at what is being handled or the only known way. And see how helpful that way is. Sometimes it's important to be encouraging first of all. Allow that simply to be and leave it at that. Solutions don;t need to be hunted out from the off, there is no urgency. And then maybe later once that trust is established that the situation is understood from the individuals perspective there are ways at looking at the individuals part and what changes can be made.
I used to think that when someone said pray, it was a cop out because they didn't know what else to say. This was because actually I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would think that I did without really knowing what I meant by it, even to myself, and would even promote the fact that I did but without being able to articulate what that meant or how I turned to God. Because I didn't. But with FA and my sponsor and other FA members, I have been developing that faith. I believe. I believe that everything will be OK and that if I ask for God's help it will be there. I do forget in the heat of the moment to turn to God. I know thought when I do things feel different even if I can't explain what and why and how. They just do. A serenity descends over me and then there is clarity. That is God entering me. So it's not this God image I still can have of a tyrant, raging in the sky watching over and criticising all the wrong-doings. It's not anything physical or humanly shaped. It's not omnipotence in the sense of domineering power. It's a glorious essence of something gentle and loving. It's something ethereal. It feels like it descends over me hence it feels as if it comes from above. Perhaps it starts in the head and that's why there's this white or crown chakra. Open and the spiritual can enter. Or perhaps it's something that sits in the brain somewhere that just needs to be accessed. Who knows. When it descends my heart fills with love and peace and that's from within. So this sense of tapping into God above and then feeling something deep within all makes sense in terms of what is written in the Bible or other religious scriptures. It's how it seems and is too big for words to be able to describe.
People can be fearsome and ferocious. That's how they are. I am beginning to realise that I don't like it because I am afraid of how I will react. I also become unpredictable. I sit and take it, take some more, and a bit more and then explode. So the bully thinks they can bully me and they keep doing it until I explode but then my reaction is so uncontrolled I can bullied some more, made to think I am crazy and a problem. Bullies do this. It's a dynamic that is set up and drives the victim further and further into a hole, believing the bullies taunts because actually that's how the victim reacts, lashing out ineffectively. I can see it very clearly now through observing me experiencing myself.
It's horrible. I don;t need to make accusations of bullying though. I just need to find ways of dealing with this fro a position of faith and gaining my strength through my faith.
An unpredictable rage-aholic! Uncontained, no boundaries. So that's what I am facing. I know this well. My dad was similar. And I found that so ugly that I am damning of myself when I retaliate in my defense in a similar manner. The rage bubbles up out of me and explodes in a fit of incoherent aspersions. That can then be used and thrown back at me. More frustration of not being understood because actually I'm not making sense. I am throwing out ineffective spears to ward off the attack. But they are so fragile they are picked up and thrown back at me but on the way back they seem to have gathered strength, loaded up with the bullies pernicious venom.
I have a very vivid picture in my mind now. So it is also as clear how I can be different. Non-reactionary is the clue. Be aware of that is happening. It will need me to keep putting aside my pride. And as has been suggested with LK I need to keep asking "how do you think I should deal with this?", "what do you think I should say?", "what is the best way forward do you think?". I have been applying this. She has all the power then but in a form of she is getting what she wants, control. Then it's all her decisions, all the way she wants it and it's also all of her responsibility. It is sad as we all took responsibility as a team before. It felt inclusive and equally responsible, trusting too. I am grieving that way and dislike this way. However, it is how it is. I am sure it comes from a place of fear and I pray to God for compassion for this but right now I am tender and need to take care of myself. It's always a tendency that when people say pray for the other person that I start to think that I am responsible for looking after them. I am so codependent and so misunderstanding of the meaning until right now about this praying for people. I have interpreted it to mean that I need to accept what I don't like as me being wrong. Not to that extreme perhaps. Humph! I am not quite sure how to articulate the way I've interpreted this. But it's certainly along the lines of pray for them because they are not wrong which by default would appear that I think I am wrong and they are right. Interesting. I'm not sure how I've taken the meaning of praying for the other person. Also I can think I am praying because I am right. Actually it's neither of those because we are just who we are. For example, the changes LK wants to introduce and is introducing I just don't happen to like. It doesn't mean they are wrong, it's just different. What I see is some chaos ensuing already. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong. It's a consequence of different ways. The way it has been was very rigid. The consequence being that some people could not get supported by us. They fall by the wayside. This way means that there is a loss of stability. I'm not sure which is more important.
Not doing too much therapy in the Process group means that issues won't be raised and processed therapeutically. Instead that will be done in 1:1's I guess. By doing therapy means that there is less opportunity for interaction between the clients, letting them raise their own issues between them without an agenda to delve deeper. So OK let's go with that. Let me learn but I need to learn some more probing ways to keep the groups moving in that way and assess better when to jump in and when to stand back. It's new for me and uncertain grounds. But I can learn. I have to find the humility to ask now. Yuch!
Something else I've realised is that it's such a relief to have witnesses. SH and AW are there and also encountering what seems like a lack of boundaries and uncontained rage. I think they are being attacked in different ways. SH is wise to the splitting and yesterday that was a lesson for me. Not to be splitable. I need to practise consistency. God please can you help to remain consistent. This would be different from my dad and LK too. I am seeing so many likenesses between LK and my dad but also how it is in me too. In my fear I will "hunt with the hounds and run with the hare" as my mum would say. I need to state my belief and then stick by it. I feel bad for having been vociferous about getting extra staff and then when asked directly afraid of others opinions so saying "I don't know" when asked why we needed so many people. Chicken. I was scared so God please can you help me not to do this. This makes it possible for people to get me on side or off side. I just need to be me and have the courage to stick with my convictions. Actually when SH was saying we needed more staff I wasn't entirely sure we did. If I stepped back from doing LK's work and answering phones etc then we could manage the actual therapeutic day busily but manageable. So I wasn't sure of my point I was being vociferous about but stepped in to be protective of SH and against LK. I need to step back, step back, step back.
Check my motives always. Be careful of getting into battles for other people. I need not to do that. I was pleased to step back from that when I noticed SH had been given yet another client. I am not sure LK really knows what she is doing. I think she is out of her depth at the moment, not really understanding how tings have been working. So she is making decisions based on that and it's all a bit of a muddle. Which is why I would have thought she would take time to just see how things are running and ask questions. I can understand that. For me I would want to look like I'm totally capable and would make decisions without getting to know the full story. Sometimes it would be because I can't see the full picture yet. I need time to watch. If ever I need to lead a team I hope I can apply some of these things tat I see now that value. It means putting aside fears and insecurities, not allowing pride and ego to step in as rescuers from fear and instead embracing everyone as valuable contributors. Listen to people.
Sh reminded me that these behaviours I'm seeing in LK are a sign of my own wellness. I'm finding that difficult to hold on to, confused by judging her behaviours as being wrong. But what I do know that is that I need to trust my feelings. It feels uncomfortable for me. It doesn't mean to say it's all wrong but I prefer someone who is more boundaried, less rigid perhaps, but relaxed because there is stability and serenity. I didn't for instance like the way PD could lash out when tings weren't exactly as he wanted them to be. The rigidity. But he was approachable and could listen to alternatives. Once he formed his opinion about someone's laziness or similar then he was difficult to shift from that especially if he had someone to buy into the gossip element with him. I didn't like that, it seemed unfair even though I have laughed along at times - see my splitability by not standing up for my beliefs. Driven by the fear of being excluded by the bullies and ending up being bullied myself. Gosh it's so ingrained, circular behaviour and beliefs. God I would like to change. Just to be O being me.
I am feeling so tired. I think I have to give myself this morning off. This is all whizzing and whirring and chunking around my head. I so need to study but I need some time out too. God please help me to know how to manage this work, life, study situation.
I feel left out by the study group and at a disadvantage. Perhaps I simply need to see if there are others free at weekends for a potential study group? That's a good idea. Be proactive. Instead of feeling left out open it up for alternatives. Mind you the only time really is Saturdays or Sundays and with 1 1/2 hours fro the AWOL starting on 1st April there won't be much time then for reading. I need more time somehow. How? Times are very difficult it seems.
So anyway, I feel better about behaving in a different way. She hasn't attacked me directly since but did have a quiet discussion with SH on her own trying to say that she knows we all hate her. SH didn't respond to that either way. But was able to say it's the way she's doing things rather than what she's doing.SH did say the same as me, that she doesn't necessarily like or agree with some of the changes but that's OK she can work with it. I love working with SH I will hate it if ever we're not working together. SH could see how battered I am. I feel tense and exhausted through the shear effort of having to be ultra mindful. I'm sure I will settle a little more into changing my ways and knowing that I can't trust LK or indeed NL then I need to be mindful. It will get easier I'm sure of that as change always does. I don't want it to leave me scarred and not trusting generally though. I don't trust and yet am over trusting to being with. Then I get hurt but at least I am open and learn rather than being closed and never learn. I just need to learn to step back and watch and learn through what I see. I don't have anything I need to prove and God please help me to remember that.
As for the hospital - well he scanned me inside and out. Yuch. He said good tings like my ovaries look all OK and this and that was the right shape and size. There were some silences and lots of typing but stupidly I didn't ask if he had found anything untoward. He did say that I had a gall bladder full of gall stones. He pressed in that region and I felt no pain but now I am concerned about that. My mum had her gall bladder removed and I think it was after that her Cancer developed. It's an instinctive sense but strong nonetheless. She was feeling nauseous after eating and had to call the doctor out regularly and I think after removing her gall bladder all of that stopped.So I am assuming the operation was connected. I am also concerned because I have these pains and they seem to find nothing at all. I wonder if something is hidden from view. It's the not knowing that's scary. If they said I had Cancer and it could be removed easily at an early stage then great. However, if it was advanced I would opt out of chemo-therapy. I do not see people enjoy living through that. I suppose I don't know how I'd feel until the time came to actually face that. But right at this moment that is how I do feel. I am wondering if the aches I get in my middle back right hand side are connected with the gall bladder full of gall stones. I asked how that could happen and as he gave various explanations or theories it was easily linked with rapid dieting, i.e anorexia and bulimia and massive overeating and excess fat. A consequence of my food addiction that was probably a vulnerable spot anyway since my mum had something wrong with hers I would think. And she was very overweight, definitely a food addict. Well in my opinion. It was more than simply over eating, she was addicted to many things and sugar, flour and quantity. Just like me! So I feel anxious.
I received a letter from the gynaecologist -
"I have reviewed the histology following your polypectomy and biopsy on 22/02/2012 and I am pleased to report that there was no evidence of any abnormalities. I hope you find this reassuring".
Now I would except the appointment I had had was on the 21st February not the 22nd and also that I still have these pains. I will call my GP on Wednesday and book another appointment. I will enquire about the results of the scans on Tues 13th March and maybe wait for an appointment after these results are in. I am self-caring.
I've decided not to try and study this morning. I just don't feel energised to be able to absorb information. It creates a stress but I need to allow myself some rest time. I have arranged to go shpping and then afterwards meet Abigail for a walk. I will take my lunch of mackerel and beetroot and salad. And I will return this afternoon and complete an hour of studying. This evening I will go to the AA meeting. I need a peaceful weekend and even though I think there's nothing particularly adventurous about this weekend, it's nice that it's an all slow down weekend. Gentle and undulating rather than ragged peaks and steep dales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, breathe in slooooooowwly aaaaaaand breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut gently.
Bliss
XX
Sunday 11 March 2012
Sempre fidelis
Forever faithful.
I wonder when that crosses a line and becomes an antipode for something so loving and awesome. Foolishly overtrusting or credulous to the point that being forever faithful means getting hurt in some way, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Then again when should one stay, or even how to stay, regardless of the aforementioned inflictions? How to keep that absolute faith? Perhaps this is a generally difficult moral question. And what about when it is the question of believing in God. Stay regardless? God will show the way in the end? I get confused.
Perhaps this is an analogy for this confusion but I think a dead man is stuck in his Corner Cottage. I hadn't even realised he was dead until the other day. I saw people, I'm guessing they were family, moving in and out of the pretty little cottage. I got a sense he was watching them but in my heart, or intuition I knew that he was dead. There was a quietness about these people as they went about their business. I wondered if they had been close with what was probably their dad.
I had never spoken to him apart from the odd tip of the head or a "good morning" in passing. I sensed something about him but goodness I sense a lot about a lot of people. Maybe my senses are super alert or maybe I am just paranoid. Who knows?
These people were traipsing in and out of the little cottage doors. Some items were going in the skip. A little brown, plastic rimmed kitchen clock had a notice stuck on it's face saying "please take me". It was leaning against the foot of the skip. Oh I wasn't standing there following every move. I actually passed this activity, as I went to and fro on my walks with LouLou. Oh no I wouldn't be so rude. I felt sad. The mood was sombre in their faces as they went about their duty. And then, after just two days they were gone. Corner Cottage, shut down, empty, a space created by old bricks, stillness, settling dust.
Except was it? He was still there. I knew it. I could feel him looking out through the net curtains. Stuck.
When I saw old Vic for his three times per week early morning lift to work, I enquired what had happened to the man in Corner Cottage. He said in his Hampshire village accent and gruff voice, "Oh he died some time before Christmas". I was rather surprised, I must say, as to I thought I had seen him and tipped a good morning to him. His usual, I can see him in my mind's eye right now, coming out of the little front door, doing something in the little fenced off area, turning round, maybe it was his rubbish bin. There was always something a-pottering being done. I had noticed that his hair had become longer and he looked sort of unkempt as a result. I wondered if he was clean actually. Previous to that I had always thought of him as perhaps rather strict about his appearance. Especially as he paid such attention to his garden. I knew because when the gate to the walled garden was left slightly ajar, I would sneak a look. It was delightfully, perfect. A little secret walled garden, just like the story from my childhood. Perhaps it's the magical memory and association that has created this sense of him still being at home.
But then the next morning, after everything had been finally locked up and just the net curtains left, that was the morning that I suddenly asked him why he was staying. He seemed to be waiting for someone. A son? That's my sense, a son to come home from somewhere. But these seemed silly thoughts, like the bluffing people, or so I cynically thought, standing on stage of the Christian Spiritual Church in Chawton, drawing on the hopeful, vulnerables. "I have a lady called Rose to speak to someone in the audience in this general area. Can anyone take this?". I expect they'll have to start changing the names as the generational changes occur. My grandmother (fathers side was called Rose). And M had once said there's a lady here giving me a rose. I wonder why they say "can anyone take this?" Why don;t they simply ask if this is familiar or does anyone know who this might be. Jargon. We all get caught up in it. It's like a short-cut or a slang yet it creates in-groups and out-groups. Sometimes I don't even understand what's meant at all but stick around long enough and it's possible to get a general gist. But then have I really understood or just think I understand, too shy or lacking in self esteem to actually ask if my interpretation is actually what is meant.
Maybe there is something in it after all as I have had things go across my mind such as the waiting and a son and the name John too. I will ask old Vic what he knows of Corner Cottage man's story.
I know he was a regular attendee at the Church. I think he was heavily involved in responsibilities as when I was bell ringing I would see him tidying and shuffling. That's what it looked like to me anyway. And I think he greeted people into the church for the service too.
I know no more. I noticed this morning that one of the nets has dropped slightly. How could that happen in an empty house? Perhaps someone visited it for the last things. Or maybe estate agents are taking potential buyers in to view it.
He's still there though. There is one room with no curtains. This seems strange to me. Why leave all the others and strip those particular windows completely bare. As I walk by late at night, it's that room I can almost see him looking out from, his face close to the window. It is often filled with the moonlight. The window I mean, not his face because that's not really there, just in my mind's eye. This morning, I felt he was deeper inside, not looking out. I thought he'd perhaps found his way out and away. I stood looking at the front door for quite some time. A little scared really but also compelled to look. I was waiting for LouLou, sniffing and scenting her way slowly, slowly, in a meandering way. So I had an excuse to be standing there. Just looking. And it was also very early so there was not a stir in the village. The sun was still coming up, despite a lie in. I do feel quite pious for early mornings now. I enjoy getting up earlier and going to bed earlier too. I feel as if there's much more of a day. I do feel tired today though as I pushed bedtime further out last night. I was watching a very silly American mini series Homeland. The acting of the woman and her storyline to me seems implausible but then what d I know as I've never worked for the CIA or whichever agency it's meant to be. She a special investigator of sorts. In the opening scenes she was wondering around Iraq, albeit her head covered and walked through hostile streets, unscathed at all. It's just not doing it for me. I will watch I expect to find out what happens to the good actor Daniel Lewis. The intriguing part of the story so far. A British actor being the main part in an American mini series that's hit it pretty big I believe. Now that's an interesting story in itself. And the situation between him and his wife, his return from being held captive for 8 years, the mental scars etc. I think it's all grossly underplayed but Daniel is playing the part well in my opinion.
So maybe that's why I sensed less this morning. Or maybe it's the bi-polarish things in my head slightly stirring and fizzling. ML noticed that I have been feeling very sad for lots of people recently. I am concerned for my neighbour who cannot afford to have his heating on. I feel pretty peeved as having given him food, albeit that I can't eat anymore, and then paying him to clean my car, inside and out, I think he went and spent money on booze. I wonder if he found money in my car too but was decent enough or perhaps too desperate for. If I was truly generous I'd let go of this and be OK with him spending the money on anything he wanted to spend it on. But I was wanting him to buy food and look after his dogs needs. He went out for an entire day leaving his dog at home. I have o idea where he went but it was mean I thought. And if it was having my money in his pocket that took him to booze and away from his responsibility - pah! My good deed back fired on my thinking. Why am I so negative in my thinking. I am glad that I was able to help despite my own poor bank balance. And I need to leave it at that.
I was very sad to hear JH's news. And I wonder how well he will take care of himself.
I was feeling sad for the Big Issue seller yesterday. Irish, homeless, no back teeth. A nice fella really. Down on his luck. I bought a Big Issue from him and then he promptly started telling AM about how beautiful her eyes were. What about me? I have to laugh as that is how low my self esteem is. I want the fella to see the beauty in me too.
I can't remember now who else I've been feeling very sad about. There has been an intensity which I think may be the brain cells and chemicals doing something. Maybe that's why I feel a super sensitivity around Corner Cottage and actually he's not there at all. I prayed this morning for him to be freed. I said to him he was permitted to go and that he didn't need to wait. I know it will all be resolved if he can just let go. Enmeshed, unselfishly devoted but at a cost of being stuck between worlds. I will endeavour to learn more about him. People will think I'm strange perhaps. But in the research perhaps I something will become apparent. Who knows? If there's more to tell I will write in my blog.
Yesterdays FA meeting was great. I hadn't realised that one person hadn't reached 90 days. There was literally B and myself who could share. I chaired the meeting which was a real honour. And I felt able to be myself. Silly at times. I shamed myself at one point thinking I had shamed B who had arrived slightly late. I hadn't thought that at all until after opening my mouth. I will hope to be more mindful.
I am interested to notice how having been given my target weight and later enquiring how it's calculated, i.e. 100 pounds for every 5 foot and then 5 pounds for every inch thereafter = 125 pounds for me, that B seeing me yesterday seems to be questioning the target weight. I didn't ask anything or even say that I feel threatened by her questions. My fear is that having decided on 125 pounds now that she has said it, I don't want to deviate from that. I had been thinking before I knew that target that I was getting close and even felt disappointed that there was so much more to lose. But then it's become about achieving that and how much thinner I will be. I don;t want to stop prior to that weight. I think this is me taking control and a slight anorexic attitude. I had also noticed that during the week off I had been delaying my breakfast until after my walk with LouLou, then a slight further delay by feeding her first. Practical really but my thinking involves stretching out as I may lose more weight and get thinner. Interesting how quickly these thoughts infiltrate. I spoke about it with B this morning. And also the wanting of food last night. I could have taken myself to be but no I insisted that I would stay up late. Already tired and strained from the low self esteem realisation yesterday, plus a painful irritable bowel day but would I listen to my tiredness? No! Instead I wanted to eat the whole time. I didn't make any calls because I thought it was too late. I was reminded this morning that I can call people in the US. I will make some intro calls this afternoon. I called H in OZ already and that was nice to catch up with her. She's been unwell. It was an opportunity to mention that I bumped into ex-client A. In a very busy Waterloo station we came face to face. She seemed to go passed me but I stopped her. Now ethically I'm not certain that was appropriate but I couldn't help myself. She looked as pretty as ever but as large as ever. I wonder if she is still using? I broke my anonymity and said that I was on my way to the FA meeting and perhaps she'd like to try it sometime. I also suggested that she comes along to Aftercare. She was off to meet up with the girls which was a lovely thing to hear as she was a worry with her isolating tendency. I hope she comes to Aftercare. I hope it will be OK to break my anonymity further and suggest FA. I think V will be pissed off at me as she doesn't work on the food addiction bases. She treats it as a disorder. I think there are both as separate things and would love to find a way to research this.
Anyway the meeting was lovely. We had lunch together which as always was pleasant. And then I left on foot heading towards Victoria from Canon Street. I walked along to Fleet Street and then too the number 11 dismounting as he turned off towards Victoria. I then walked through the winding streets to Millbank to meet Am at the Tate Britain.
I enjoyed the exhibition. With a focus on Picasso in Britain and his influence on British art, there were some wonderful pieces of his work and scattered with work by Ben Nicholson, Duncan Grant, Wyndham Lewis, Henry Moore, Francis Bacon Graham Sutherland and David Hockney.
I particularly loved a charcoal sketch of a young man leading a horse. And the watercolour stage costume designs were exquisite. In my opinion he was a truly talented artists with a flair to try on for size many different styles and skills. He was prolific. He was also promiscuous. Why is it women, well women like me are attracted to these arty men who are lovers of women generally and loyal to none? It's not sempre fidelis in their mind. They have a flurry of women at their beckoning and take full advantage. Some people would day how can a man resist? But I say why can't a man resist and remain decent, and honour his commitment. Make no commitment then they don't have to honour it in case something better comes along. Pah!
I was bemused by myself with the street Big Issue seller. There was the Irish twinkle in his eye despite his situation. As I said to B in my deep despair from not being the one to be flirted with even by someone who I am not attracted to for many reasons, in the past I would go all out to get that man's attention. I could easily end up living on the streets or buying into whatever their lifestyle and beliefs were just to be made to feel wanted. Deep inside though I would know I had manipulated it and abandoned all sense of self and soul in the process. So losing the little esteem reserves I had. I have been in many a dark place in quest of that esteem from men. I ask You God to help me to stay safe from the behaviours - thank you God for removing me from the risk today. And please God can you help me to develop my esteem. I know it's changing. AM notices a big change in me already. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what but verbalised it as being more grounded. It was interesting too her telling me how I was disappearing during 2010. She knew I wasn't being entirely open with her and she didn't know if it was to do with JH or SL. But all did not seem well and she felt afraid for me yet powerless to do anything. All she could do was hope that wold come back to her. I am never sure how much she values me as a friend but actually how can anyone value in the way I want. That is, total commitment that everything will be as it is forever and that I am top importance. That's unhealthy. But I do hope for friendship that means no malicious intent or gossip and that the person in reliable, dependable and will not disappear at the drop of a hat. Is that the saying? Well it's a good one if not.
I notice that the friendship with ML has altered a lot. But with her I do not feel so certain that she's still there regardless of the changes in our lives right now. Some people it matters less. I wonder why it matters more. I think it's good that I care and it matters. I need to learn how t care not to care so much. But I think there is a balance in that, just like the sempre fidelis confusion I have. It's not easy come easy go, people are to be valued and not just tossed away as things get difficult or challenging or changes occur. This is a long way from the man with the gift of the Blarney. I've kissed the Blarney stone. Bet you couldn't tell, as I gut laugh at my quiet demeanour, always.
Picasso
So some pieces of work -
Guernica - only because it's so famous. I saw some sketches of his preparation for this and the poor dying horse with his angular tongue was torturous to look at. The entire thing is quite amazing yet really so pitiful and violent. AB was impressed that it was there, at first questioning that it was. I doubted myself but knew I had seen it. She said if couldn't have been the original version. But it was surely. They wouldn't be showing a copy in the Tate Britain now - come on!
Naked Woman in a Red Chair
This glowed actually. The colours in this image do not come anywhere near the glowing colours of the original. It was mesmerisingly sensual and the glow was her beauty I felt. Or the beauty he saw in her
The watercolours of the costume and scenery design for Diaghilev's ballet The Three Cornered Hat were exquisite ...
The curtain ...
The Chinese Conqueror
The Three Dancers
I loved this by Henry Moore. I wanted to touch it. I'm sure they were carved to be touched. This is how I'd like my bookends to be.
And I really liked this of David Hockney naked reaching gently across to Picasso - the curator had suggested this was a bearing of the soul and thanks from Hockney to Picasso for the influence Picasso had had on him
There was an oil by Ben Nicholson of his lover Barbara Hepworth in a style influenced by Picasso but I cannot find an image of it online. He had scratched the essence of Hepworth into the oil. It was then like a reverse negative of white scratched into black. I was quite delighted by it. I could feel love I think. Perhaps I am just a romantic. And yet the other way round I could feel love from Hepworth for Moore yet her work wasn't there, clearly not so influenced by Picasso.
Others like Bacon and so on, didn't enthral me. It was interesting to see their work there but I didn't linger over them int eh same way.
And of course I loved the Weeping Woman
Until the next time
Bliss
XX
I wonder when that crosses a line and becomes an antipode for something so loving and awesome. Foolishly overtrusting or credulous to the point that being forever faithful means getting hurt in some way, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Then again when should one stay, or even how to stay, regardless of the aforementioned inflictions? How to keep that absolute faith? Perhaps this is a generally difficult moral question. And what about when it is the question of believing in God. Stay regardless? God will show the way in the end? I get confused.
Perhaps this is an analogy for this confusion but I think a dead man is stuck in his Corner Cottage. I hadn't even realised he was dead until the other day. I saw people, I'm guessing they were family, moving in and out of the pretty little cottage. I got a sense he was watching them but in my heart, or intuition I knew that he was dead. There was a quietness about these people as they went about their business. I wondered if they had been close with what was probably their dad.
I had never spoken to him apart from the odd tip of the head or a "good morning" in passing. I sensed something about him but goodness I sense a lot about a lot of people. Maybe my senses are super alert or maybe I am just paranoid. Who knows?
These people were traipsing in and out of the little cottage doors. Some items were going in the skip. A little brown, plastic rimmed kitchen clock had a notice stuck on it's face saying "please take me". It was leaning against the foot of the skip. Oh I wasn't standing there following every move. I actually passed this activity, as I went to and fro on my walks with LouLou. Oh no I wouldn't be so rude. I felt sad. The mood was sombre in their faces as they went about their duty. And then, after just two days they were gone. Corner Cottage, shut down, empty, a space created by old bricks, stillness, settling dust.
Except was it? He was still there. I knew it. I could feel him looking out through the net curtains. Stuck.
When I saw old Vic for his three times per week early morning lift to work, I enquired what had happened to the man in Corner Cottage. He said in his Hampshire village accent and gruff voice, "Oh he died some time before Christmas". I was rather surprised, I must say, as to I thought I had seen him and tipped a good morning to him. His usual, I can see him in my mind's eye right now, coming out of the little front door, doing something in the little fenced off area, turning round, maybe it was his rubbish bin. There was always something a-pottering being done. I had noticed that his hair had become longer and he looked sort of unkempt as a result. I wondered if he was clean actually. Previous to that I had always thought of him as perhaps rather strict about his appearance. Especially as he paid such attention to his garden. I knew because when the gate to the walled garden was left slightly ajar, I would sneak a look. It was delightfully, perfect. A little secret walled garden, just like the story from my childhood. Perhaps it's the magical memory and association that has created this sense of him still being at home.
But then the next morning, after everything had been finally locked up and just the net curtains left, that was the morning that I suddenly asked him why he was staying. He seemed to be waiting for someone. A son? That's my sense, a son to come home from somewhere. But these seemed silly thoughts, like the bluffing people, or so I cynically thought, standing on stage of the Christian Spiritual Church in Chawton, drawing on the hopeful, vulnerables. "I have a lady called Rose to speak to someone in the audience in this general area. Can anyone take this?". I expect they'll have to start changing the names as the generational changes occur. My grandmother (fathers side was called Rose). And M had once said there's a lady here giving me a rose. I wonder why they say "can anyone take this?" Why don;t they simply ask if this is familiar or does anyone know who this might be. Jargon. We all get caught up in it. It's like a short-cut or a slang yet it creates in-groups and out-groups. Sometimes I don't even understand what's meant at all but stick around long enough and it's possible to get a general gist. But then have I really understood or just think I understand, too shy or lacking in self esteem to actually ask if my interpretation is actually what is meant.
Maybe there is something in it after all as I have had things go across my mind such as the waiting and a son and the name John too. I will ask old Vic what he knows of Corner Cottage man's story.
I know he was a regular attendee at the Church. I think he was heavily involved in responsibilities as when I was bell ringing I would see him tidying and shuffling. That's what it looked like to me anyway. And I think he greeted people into the church for the service too.
I know no more. I noticed this morning that one of the nets has dropped slightly. How could that happen in an empty house? Perhaps someone visited it for the last things. Or maybe estate agents are taking potential buyers in to view it.
He's still there though. There is one room with no curtains. This seems strange to me. Why leave all the others and strip those particular windows completely bare. As I walk by late at night, it's that room I can almost see him looking out from, his face close to the window. It is often filled with the moonlight. The window I mean, not his face because that's not really there, just in my mind's eye. This morning, I felt he was deeper inside, not looking out. I thought he'd perhaps found his way out and away. I stood looking at the front door for quite some time. A little scared really but also compelled to look. I was waiting for LouLou, sniffing and scenting her way slowly, slowly, in a meandering way. So I had an excuse to be standing there. Just looking. And it was also very early so there was not a stir in the village. The sun was still coming up, despite a lie in. I do feel quite pious for early mornings now. I enjoy getting up earlier and going to bed earlier too. I feel as if there's much more of a day. I do feel tired today though as I pushed bedtime further out last night. I was watching a very silly American mini series Homeland. The acting of the woman and her storyline to me seems implausible but then what d I know as I've never worked for the CIA or whichever agency it's meant to be. She a special investigator of sorts. In the opening scenes she was wondering around Iraq, albeit her head covered and walked through hostile streets, unscathed at all. It's just not doing it for me. I will watch I expect to find out what happens to the good actor Daniel Lewis. The intriguing part of the story so far. A British actor being the main part in an American mini series that's hit it pretty big I believe. Now that's an interesting story in itself. And the situation between him and his wife, his return from being held captive for 8 years, the mental scars etc. I think it's all grossly underplayed but Daniel is playing the part well in my opinion.
So maybe that's why I sensed less this morning. Or maybe it's the bi-polarish things in my head slightly stirring and fizzling. ML noticed that I have been feeling very sad for lots of people recently. I am concerned for my neighbour who cannot afford to have his heating on. I feel pretty peeved as having given him food, albeit that I can't eat anymore, and then paying him to clean my car, inside and out, I think he went and spent money on booze. I wonder if he found money in my car too but was decent enough or perhaps too desperate for. If I was truly generous I'd let go of this and be OK with him spending the money on anything he wanted to spend it on. But I was wanting him to buy food and look after his dogs needs. He went out for an entire day leaving his dog at home. I have o idea where he went but it was mean I thought. And if it was having my money in his pocket that took him to booze and away from his responsibility - pah! My good deed back fired on my thinking. Why am I so negative in my thinking. I am glad that I was able to help despite my own poor bank balance. And I need to leave it at that.
I was very sad to hear JH's news. And I wonder how well he will take care of himself.
I was feeling sad for the Big Issue seller yesterday. Irish, homeless, no back teeth. A nice fella really. Down on his luck. I bought a Big Issue from him and then he promptly started telling AM about how beautiful her eyes were. What about me? I have to laugh as that is how low my self esteem is. I want the fella to see the beauty in me too.
I can't remember now who else I've been feeling very sad about. There has been an intensity which I think may be the brain cells and chemicals doing something. Maybe that's why I feel a super sensitivity around Corner Cottage and actually he's not there at all. I prayed this morning for him to be freed. I said to him he was permitted to go and that he didn't need to wait. I know it will all be resolved if he can just let go. Enmeshed, unselfishly devoted but at a cost of being stuck between worlds. I will endeavour to learn more about him. People will think I'm strange perhaps. But in the research perhaps I something will become apparent. Who knows? If there's more to tell I will write in my blog.
Yesterdays FA meeting was great. I hadn't realised that one person hadn't reached 90 days. There was literally B and myself who could share. I chaired the meeting which was a real honour. And I felt able to be myself. Silly at times. I shamed myself at one point thinking I had shamed B who had arrived slightly late. I hadn't thought that at all until after opening my mouth. I will hope to be more mindful.
I am interested to notice how having been given my target weight and later enquiring how it's calculated, i.e. 100 pounds for every 5 foot and then 5 pounds for every inch thereafter = 125 pounds for me, that B seeing me yesterday seems to be questioning the target weight. I didn't ask anything or even say that I feel threatened by her questions. My fear is that having decided on 125 pounds now that she has said it, I don't want to deviate from that. I had been thinking before I knew that target that I was getting close and even felt disappointed that there was so much more to lose. But then it's become about achieving that and how much thinner I will be. I don;t want to stop prior to that weight. I think this is me taking control and a slight anorexic attitude. I had also noticed that during the week off I had been delaying my breakfast until after my walk with LouLou, then a slight further delay by feeding her first. Practical really but my thinking involves stretching out as I may lose more weight and get thinner. Interesting how quickly these thoughts infiltrate. I spoke about it with B this morning. And also the wanting of food last night. I could have taken myself to be but no I insisted that I would stay up late. Already tired and strained from the low self esteem realisation yesterday, plus a painful irritable bowel day but would I listen to my tiredness? No! Instead I wanted to eat the whole time. I didn't make any calls because I thought it was too late. I was reminded this morning that I can call people in the US. I will make some intro calls this afternoon. I called H in OZ already and that was nice to catch up with her. She's been unwell. It was an opportunity to mention that I bumped into ex-client A. In a very busy Waterloo station we came face to face. She seemed to go passed me but I stopped her. Now ethically I'm not certain that was appropriate but I couldn't help myself. She looked as pretty as ever but as large as ever. I wonder if she is still using? I broke my anonymity and said that I was on my way to the FA meeting and perhaps she'd like to try it sometime. I also suggested that she comes along to Aftercare. She was off to meet up with the girls which was a lovely thing to hear as she was a worry with her isolating tendency. I hope she comes to Aftercare. I hope it will be OK to break my anonymity further and suggest FA. I think V will be pissed off at me as she doesn't work on the food addiction bases. She treats it as a disorder. I think there are both as separate things and would love to find a way to research this.
Anyway the meeting was lovely. We had lunch together which as always was pleasant. And then I left on foot heading towards Victoria from Canon Street. I walked along to Fleet Street and then too the number 11 dismounting as he turned off towards Victoria. I then walked through the winding streets to Millbank to meet Am at the Tate Britain.
I enjoyed the exhibition. With a focus on Picasso in Britain and his influence on British art, there were some wonderful pieces of his work and scattered with work by Ben Nicholson, Duncan Grant, Wyndham Lewis, Henry Moore, Francis Bacon Graham Sutherland and David Hockney.
I particularly loved a charcoal sketch of a young man leading a horse. And the watercolour stage costume designs were exquisite. In my opinion he was a truly talented artists with a flair to try on for size many different styles and skills. He was prolific. He was also promiscuous. Why is it women, well women like me are attracted to these arty men who are lovers of women generally and loyal to none? It's not sempre fidelis in their mind. They have a flurry of women at their beckoning and take full advantage. Some people would day how can a man resist? But I say why can't a man resist and remain decent, and honour his commitment. Make no commitment then they don't have to honour it in case something better comes along. Pah!
I was bemused by myself with the street Big Issue seller. There was the Irish twinkle in his eye despite his situation. As I said to B in my deep despair from not being the one to be flirted with even by someone who I am not attracted to for many reasons, in the past I would go all out to get that man's attention. I could easily end up living on the streets or buying into whatever their lifestyle and beliefs were just to be made to feel wanted. Deep inside though I would know I had manipulated it and abandoned all sense of self and soul in the process. So losing the little esteem reserves I had. I have been in many a dark place in quest of that esteem from men. I ask You God to help me to stay safe from the behaviours - thank you God for removing me from the risk today. And please God can you help me to develop my esteem. I know it's changing. AM notices a big change in me already. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what but verbalised it as being more grounded. It was interesting too her telling me how I was disappearing during 2010. She knew I wasn't being entirely open with her and she didn't know if it was to do with JH or SL. But all did not seem well and she felt afraid for me yet powerless to do anything. All she could do was hope that wold come back to her. I am never sure how much she values me as a friend but actually how can anyone value in the way I want. That is, total commitment that everything will be as it is forever and that I am top importance. That's unhealthy. But I do hope for friendship that means no malicious intent or gossip and that the person in reliable, dependable and will not disappear at the drop of a hat. Is that the saying? Well it's a good one if not.
I notice that the friendship with ML has altered a lot. But with her I do not feel so certain that she's still there regardless of the changes in our lives right now. Some people it matters less. I wonder why it matters more. I think it's good that I care and it matters. I need to learn how t care not to care so much. But I think there is a balance in that, just like the sempre fidelis confusion I have. It's not easy come easy go, people are to be valued and not just tossed away as things get difficult or challenging or changes occur. This is a long way from the man with the gift of the Blarney. I've kissed the Blarney stone. Bet you couldn't tell, as I gut laugh at my quiet demeanour, always.
Picasso So some pieces of work -
Guernica - only because it's so famous. I saw some sketches of his preparation for this and the poor dying horse with his angular tongue was torturous to look at. The entire thing is quite amazing yet really so pitiful and violent. AB was impressed that it was there, at first questioning that it was. I doubted myself but knew I had seen it. She said if couldn't have been the original version. But it was surely. They wouldn't be showing a copy in the Tate Britain now - come on!
Naked Woman in a Red Chair
This glowed actually. The colours in this image do not come anywhere near the glowing colours of the original. It was mesmerisingly sensual and the glow was her beauty I felt. Or the beauty he saw in her
The watercolours of the costume and scenery design for Diaghilev's ballet The Three Cornered Hat were exquisite ...
The curtain ...
The Three DancersI loved this by Henry Moore. I wanted to touch it. I'm sure they were carved to be touched. This is how I'd like my bookends to be.
And I really liked this of David Hockney naked reaching gently across to Picasso - the curator had suggested this was a bearing of the soul and thanks from Hockney to Picasso for the influence Picasso had had on him
There was an oil by Ben Nicholson of his lover Barbara Hepworth in a style influenced by Picasso but I cannot find an image of it online. He had scratched the essence of Hepworth into the oil. It was then like a reverse negative of white scratched into black. I was quite delighted by it. I could feel love I think. Perhaps I am just a romantic. And yet the other way round I could feel love from Hepworth for Moore yet her work wasn't there, clearly not so influenced by Picasso.
Others like Bacon and so on, didn't enthral me. It was interesting to see their work there but I didn't linger over them int eh same way.
And of course I loved the Weeping Woman
Until the next time
Bliss
XX
Friday 9 March 2012
Keeping the faith
I've nearly completed my essay. It's a relief and I am glad that I have stuck with it. I haven't thought withdraw, I truly haven't. Less so than the previous 2 years actually. And I am beginning to accept that I really do need more time to make a point a day in way that is quality-ish essay content. When I try to do it all in a couple of days - well it's pretty much rubbish. This is not so helpful of course with my circumstances when working full time with 25 days annual leave. I am praying to God to show what it is I actually need to do and then praying for patience as I want an answer now. Ideally in the shape of £10,000, so that I can work 4 days per week without dropping any salary too. This might get me through the next 2 years. Oh but also a local job so that petrol costs are reduced and also more time is available from a shorter journey. If is Thy will God. But then I get scared thinking what will the costs be? Not a nice company, no great clinical supervision or worse still none at all, not liking the team of staff, an unpleasant environment, less freedom to be the therapist I am, dreadful company politics (yep they could be worse than they are now), uhmmm and all the costs I haven't considered. God I am full of fears and I pray for faith. That's all I need and then everything is once again OK.
I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?
I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?
OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back
Bliss
XX
I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?
I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?
OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back
Bliss
XX
When China wakes, it will shake the world
I don't normally forward things on anymore as I know I get tired of emptying my "bin" of the endless amount of STUFF that gets sent through and usually with spams attached I don't doubt. However, this made me think how little I think about the cost of things generally and focus on what seems to be a big expense. Interesting.
And it's funny really because in the last year I have really been getting cncerned about our lack of rain. I was even more concerned to learn that China have been allowed to invest in our water companies. I always forget Napoleon's proper quote about leaving China asleep - found it - Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.
Like the writers have fictionalised in the past water will be the new oil. Whether we are flooded or in drought. I keep praying for rain and rejoice when it comes. I seem to be against the general wishes of others.
Daily musings over .... happy day to you......
The last bit of this "flyer" (having a brain drain moment and can't think of the right word) made me chuckle .....
Bliss
xx
COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!
Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.
Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!
And it's funny really because in the last year I have really been getting cncerned about our lack of rain. I was even more concerned to learn that China have been allowed to invest in our water companies. I always forget Napoleon's proper quote about leaving China asleep - found it - Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.
Like the writers have fictionalised in the past water will be the new oil. Whether we are flooded or in drought. I keep praying for rain and rejoice when it comes. I seem to be against the general wishes of others.
Daily musings over .... happy day to you......
The last bit of this "flyer" (having a brain drain moment and can't think of the right word) made me chuckle .....
Bliss
xx
COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!
Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.
Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.
Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)
So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!
Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!
Thursday 8 March 2012
Oppress the masses, sexualise the feelings
Could it be that some people are dyspeptic and like to stay there? Or too afraid to move out from there?
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.
This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time
Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?
Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?
Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.
Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think
Bliss
XX
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.
This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time
Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?
Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?
Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.
Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think
Bliss
XX
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