Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX
ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX
ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.
