A rotting rotten place filling with fresh air and light

After listening to AM for quite a long time - she is full of her new relationship and questioning things that are not very comfortable for her too - she asked about me but there wasn't much time for me as we both had to get on.
I was able to share again about the uncomfortable feeling when at the meeting with JP and B. But how I need the meeting and I need to share openly there despite my discomfort.
I also spoke about the difficulty I have in letting go of JH or what it was that seemed to be on offer. And in the end wasn't. I was very disappointed. So I also shared how I think I am a nincompoop for having this deep sense of sadness and loss. And yet I want to be moving on.
Then I managed to share briefly about the thoughts of a drink if ML drinks whilst on holiday. I am missing her and looking forward to her return. I was able to say that I am afraid that if she did drink how that would affect our relationship and I am afraid of losing her as she matters so much to me.
And then we agreed to continue the open chatter tomorrow.....
Now nearly ready. I have braved it and called The Barn to make sure they will be able to serve us food. It will be a mezze.
I have realised that this is my choice and it is different from the norm because I like it. It's me exposing a bit of me that people probably don't know and some may not like it. That's OK. I like it because it is away from the norm and not so square. It's a bit more of a wiggly shape that doesn't fit in to the every day. Good.
I have cleaned very thoroughly and like the fresh air. And JM will be staying. The first time another person has stayed here in a very long time. Well since JH actually. I have not allowed anyone here. It has been a rotten place rotting.
That is strange to acknowledge ..... It really has been a hell hole ever since then. And I am cleaning it out little by little. It feels fresh and a sense of moving on is coming. Well just for today at least.
I wonder if JH moved on without all the feelings I have had?

OK last posting before off to meet all the people
DA DC JM CS JC and me. All of whom I like. I will take my camera but it seems there will be a problem for me downloading the images unless I purchase an external CF card reader. DC will give me a disk this evening. So before I purchase one I will try that. If that doesn't work well then an external card reader it will have to be. I wonder if JB has one I could borrow. I doubt it.
I will ask. Oh I got a great shot last night of the very dark clouds with the sun obviously so low in the sky, lighting the dark cloud in a most peculiar way. I want to see it on the big screen.

Right hair dry and drop LouLou off with the lovely AB and then collect JM from the station, then let the evening begin.

Bliss
XX

Sangha

Sangha means 'in the company of truth'. That is, our true nature, our true essence, the reality before conditioning takes place. The awareness that we are all one in unity consciousness and to know that it is the ego which fights for supremacy feeding the lie of 'separation'. Feeding the lie of 'lack' when in reality there is only abundance.

JS sent this to me after I enquired of a friend of hers following reading this ...
 "The next Buddha that comes wont come as an individual person. The next Buddha will be the Sangha." Understanding the significance of the 4-fold Sangha in our day and time, shivers of resonance went up my spine." - Amma Thanasanti Bhikkhun

JS recommended listening to Mooji on You Tube
Wow!
I do like some of the things I heard ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pS_wPeDxDQ

Now there he is speaking with a generalisation yet bringing it into a personal experience too.

http://www.mooji.org/

I always get a little wary of "gurus" though. When I started reading his website and saw that there were costs and large organised events etc. I really do prefer little and personal. Yet it is good to hear the teachings.
I will listen as I clean ....

You are as a Lotus flower coming into bloom. 
Once you start enquiring into the true nature of phenomena you will be on the path out of self loathing/doubt/guilt (whatever negative belief system/perception is at work) and into self-love and acceptance.

I think I stand on the edge but at times the negative belief system is at play.
I would like to become more engaged at Chithurst. I will call and see if I can meet with a monk there.
I see value in so many of the great teachers and followers. And I can also see how that can be confusing and result in a distance from really engaging.
I like the sentiment that I can stop searching and just be. I am aware of many things and I can embrace and as JS says enquire into the true nature of phenomena. I actually do think my enquiring into self and having understanding for others (when I do) is a part of that enquiring into true phenomena. I can already feel forgiveness when I do. My dad. JH, myself and many others as they enter my mind.

Now I truly need to get on with cleaning.
Oh and perhaps EBay is away to empty the things I longer need rather than a car boot sale. Just a passing thought as I would lie to create flowing air in my home.

Bliss
xx

Heading off the logger!

In 45 mins I must get going. I have a friend coming to stay and I need to clear and clean the flat. I loathe this task quite frankly but it needs to be done.
Then this evening we are meeting up with other people that were at the same school. I mentioned to AB as we were walking the thoughts I had had about keeping in contact with people from my past. She said she felt envious as she has no friends from her past. She really only keeps in contact with me because I keep in contact with her. She is so isolated really. She says she likes it. I think it's avoidance but if she is content then who am I to question that?
I noticed that when we are discussing a subject, AB makes sweeping statements as if it applies to everyone. I then come up with a counter argument as an authority. I tried to say yesterday that it is not possible to speak for people as a general rule but can speak from one's own perspective. I find I am quite irritated by those sweeping statements, speaking for the population. But I am more irritated by my desire to argue against it with a very authoritative manner. What I am trying to do is squash the control int he other person but I am doing it by trying to control.
I wonder how I could alter my response. I can try to be aware that I am feeling controlled. AB does that a lot. I react in a way that has always been - I will argue the complete opposite just to try and break free. It's not productive. I would take that to extremes with my dad for example and it resulted in us being constantly at logger-heads. So what is the answer? Perhaps I could say "do you think that applies to everyone?" Or I could say "my personal experience has sometimes been different though".
Any suggestions would be appreciated ....

You do not need to convince people you are right, for that only draws you into power struggles with them. Nor do you need to be convinced that they are right. Having positive thoughts about others does not mean being blind to who they are. It means being willing to see the good in others and to turn the focus away from what is wrong (to you) or different. Orin

I like this. When I write that, I seem to need to write that it's not the first time I have encountered that concept in it's various forms. I am not so good at practising it though. I should like to be better at hearing others more effectively. I am practising not needing to have to boast or be heard. It is a little confusing really because I see that people who get on are those that do what I have always thought is very American - promote themselves all the time. They keep others aware of how good they are and it is the who gets promoted. I think humility for me is knowing I am good at something but not needing to promote or boast. The promotion actually comes about by being good. This can apply in the work place, in my behaviour with friends, etc etc, Being who I want to be. The difference between walking the walk or talking the talk.
So with AB there is room for me to stay aware of my internal feelings and then be more reflective to her somehow and share my own experience if it's relevant. Ask questions not fight back with another broad statement.

I was very honest last evening about my experience at the Wednesday evening meeting. There is a person that attends the meeting that cut contact with me. I think it was about 3 years ago now but maybe even slightly longer. Certainly ML was back from S.A so it was possibly towards the end of Summer 2007 - so coming up for 4 years perhaps. I was very hurt. Despite being assured that it was nothing to do with me. When she walks in and with B too I think like everyone in the room knows. I think that I am hated and horrible. I think that they are all ganging up against me. I know they don't all know. Of course B knows and she is friendly enough towards me but I feel anxious and guarded. I am resistant to being very open. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I shared more openly this week though. I spoke about the depression I have experienced recently and also about my discomfort with contact with JC
I think just for the time being I will reduce the contact. Even though I find it funny at times, but I need to question my motives? The conversations are not enthralling. It is simply having contact with someone. I am completely boundaried. I have noticed a couple of times I have thrown out an intriguing thread. Thankfully he is not quick to pick up on them and so I can get myself into check. It is friendliness only that is emanating from me. And I think from him too. I will not initiate anymore contact whilst I discuss and consider what to do. I will mention it to SC on Monday. I know what he will say.
I was also aware that I find it difficult to share with people how difficult I am finding it to let go of the attachment to JH. I need to share it to get it out of me. I don;t know what it is that has got so ensnared within me. I think it is more the idea of the love that was spoken about because the reality was not loving behaviour. Uh uh  that is not someone who really loves me. It is someone who also loves love I think. This is a sweeping statement again and talking for someone else. So the only way I can change that is to say that someone who is lieing and deceiving whilst telling me they are in love with me but getting defensive when being found out is not the way I want to be loved. The things that were great were the way JH was sexually with me. But it was not possible to trust anything he really said, everything was under question because he was so able to lie easily. I did not feel secure which heightened my own insecurity and low self esteem. So because of me he had the power to build me up and then let me down. That is familiar.
But why it is so hard to let go I just don't know. I need to keep talking about this because it is ongoing pain. I still have that little ray of hope that he will turn around and say that he really does love me truly. I need to shake that hope because it's not possible. I feel such loss and it hurts. And it won't go away.
When I first met him via Skype I did not find him physically attractive but was attracted the whole personal. The essence of what seemed to be him. I was so fooled. He was beguiling and so tender with his talk of mother planet, and art and design. I was also beguiled by his knowledge. Gosh that happens so much. I was always in awe of my dad too for knowing more than me. I always always find that sexy and appealing. Until that more than runs dry. There is so much for me to learn and let go of. There is so much for me to learn to just be OK with about myself.
I love learning and learn most from peoples life experiences. That doesn't mean I have to get involved with them. It is OK to develop friendships with people. Which means it could be OK to be friends with JC. But what concerns me is his deceit. I can understand and forgive that kind of behaviour amongst friends as they are learning and growing. But somehow this does feel uncomfortable. I am not certain what to do about it.
I am also concerned with AV. I have met his girlfriend and I think it is possible to see that there is nothing between AV and I at all. I am just a little concerned when he cannot freely speak with me. We do not speak often. I have asked him several times if it is a problem and he says not at all. Yet he calls when she is not there or says he cannot speak after a certain time. This could be my paranoia because actually AV is one of those people that really is open and upfront.So going on my gut instinct I will trust that in him. And leave the decisions up to him. I will mention that it went through my mind and then it is out in the open.

I am worried about ML. She is due home tomorrow or Monday perhaps her plane lands. That's if they get on. I am sure I should have no reason to worry or doubt. I have shared openly about my initial jealousy at the thought of her drinking and wanting one myself if she does. But I have also talked that through. Whilst it is probable that I am correct and alcohol isn't my primary issue, if I were to have a drink it is also possible that it would not be one. And with an occasion like this evening when I am anxious, I could over do it, and end up making a complete fool of myself somehow. And then my primary addictions could easily slip in and very quickly drink would take over and I would be in a mess. Besides I like the awareness and spiritual path I can follow without alcohol. It is an unnecessary commodity that seems to be overly accepted within society.
Perhaps more people are addicted than they would like to consider.

Julia just passed a lovey comment on FB
Bliss....this is a fantastic drawing. You have managed to capture the gentle nature of Donut, especially the eyes. You are an artist my dear xx

And Donut's human said ...
That is Brill!!!!!! It really captures her wonkiness!! I LOVE IT!!! (she really does have a lop sided kinda look) This is SO going up on my wall! xxxxx

I am thrilled that people will compliment my sketches but I also feel stupid even attempting the rubbish that I produce. Another friend the other day just laughed at my photos and said anyone can do them because cameras are so point and shoot. There is no skill.

I realise that negativity int he comment and the lack of encouragement and it's this I have heard loudest all my life. I do not proclaim to be skillful but I am slightly capable and what's more I enjoy it. I am certain that I could benefit from some simple guidance and thereby improve.
I have always thought I do not have a creative mind.That I am very square and stiff.
Even now I am anxious about this evening having chosen a very Bohemian place for us all to meet. I am scared that they will hate it, that it will be too different for them and as a result they will judge me. Well I challenge that. The place is fun. It is different and that's why I like it. Those that don't well at least they will have tried it and seen something other than the usual. More importantly it's conducive to sitting and relaxing and chatting which is the main purpose of getting together. So I am sure we can have fun unless there are cynics like me about. I didn't enjoy the bigger event because I am less comfortable in bigger groups and also was feeling very uncomfortable being me. Most other people were at ease and enjoyed it. So I have to look at me not at the location and organisation.

I will get on now, having emptied my mind. It works!

Bliss
XX