Miracle or unpleasant surprise!

There are only miracles, Bliss, and to one degree or another they all soothe, pamper, and enrich. However, to avoid blowing too many minds at once, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung.
Yes... don't I think of everything?
Duck!
The Universe

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day,to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight,and never stop fighting.
~ E.E. Cummings

Not sure if I have anything to write today.

Yes I have. Today a client completed 26 days. This is a miracle. She has been in before and didn't complete the programme. And this time she came in for just 2 weeks and nearly left every other day. Somehow we worked with her and she has really brought about monumental changes. I was pissed off today though as one of my colleagues who seems to be losing the plot slightly was very judgemental towards her. And with this was in my opinion not so therapeutic with her. The challenge was fair but did not take into consideration her dual diagnosis. My colleague did not see the wonder of this person. She is simply one of the loveliest and funniest people without any arrogance or indignance. Wow! She is a survivor.
I did something I never ever do. I have her my telephone number and said that if she was in trouble or needed support she could call me. She seemed amazed which wasn't the purpose. I already received just the loveliest of texts from her.
She is a marvel. I have been very fortunate this year to encounter some real treasures of people through my work. People who will forever be cherished in my heart. Everyone is special to me but some are more special than others. I try not to show any favouritism. I truly hope to exemplify an equality for all clients. There are some I don't like so much. Some who are still within the cycle of hellfire addiction within their sobriety. There are evil streaks in people and that always indicates to me that addiction or some process lives on in them. Or sometimes it is an attitude of indifference towards others - self centredness. Addiction breeds selfishness and self centredness.

I witness miracles working through people on a daily basis. How very, very lucky I am.

I have a concern. JH.
My concern is that he will now be afraid of stating openly what he is doing with whom. For example this evening he went to a gig and said he was going with the father of his daughters friend. It turns out her mother was there. I suspected this. JH told me he went with the father and mother and it sounded all spontaneous.
Perhaps it was but I think JH will be hesitant to speak openbly and honestly. Now this is where boundaries can make a person feel confident and comfortable whatever they are doing with whom.

SH and I were putting together a workshop on boundaries. We have a lecture but both of us prefer to use the time in a workshop style than delieering lecture style information. So we took the bare bones of the already prepared lecture and started working on firstly definining boundaries and establishing where they come from and what informs them. We were describing the ripple effect and how different people are permitted to be closer or kept further away from our centre.
                               
         Lover                  Peers                                                                                      Abuser
ME  
             Family    Friends                             Boss                                                                          
                                              Work Colleagues


So we were looking at how values inform a person boundaries.
We looked at the ripple effect .

Chilly jilly

It's damned cold!!!!!

I am feeling upset. JH had invited me to the US with him. Then with all that's going on he has boked his trip but what seems like half heartedly asking me again. It really does seem half hearted as he seems to be telling me I am not going.
This sort of thing then leads me back to wondering what is actually going on?
I said in a text that I was thinking about it and his responses actually talk about him being disappointed that I am not going.
I wonder if JH knows what he wants around this? If he wants to be on his own then surely just tell me.
This then taps into him telling ES he wanted to go on his own. And alal thw while he knew he was planning on meeting up with IL at that particular time. Oh - just shut up Bliss!!!!
I keep remidning myself that I will have to put trust in this relationship again - it's just difficult after so much turmoil over the last months.

I am going to bed.
Tired
Bliss

xx

Nice evening in some ways. Good chat with ML and RB
And about all sorts of things - the power of language - I always surprise myself how much I can tap into information I seem to have learnt

Ego

Ego is basically a belief system about yourself that is a total lie!! It’s basic message is “I’m not enough”. Take all your problems to this.


So nothing or no one is ever enough. It’s biggest weapon is guilt and shame. That demands attack & punishment to you & others.

All it has is the past to call on. There is no hope of today, NOW when ego is in operation. It recalls every hurt, slight & pin prick. It keeps us in negativity & sickness. Past, past & more past!!!!

The ego is I, Me, Mine, My etc. Self.

Written by my friend P in Spain. I wille xpand upon this I think.

metaphor versus allegory

metaphor -
met·a·phor   /ˈmɛtəˌfɔr, -fər/
[met-uh-fawr, -fer]
–noun
1. a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our god.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.
 
al·le·go·ry   /ˈæləˌgɔri, -ˌgoʊri/
[al-uh-gawr-ee, -gohr-ee]
–noun, plural -ries.
1. a representation of an abstract or spiritual meaning through concrete or material forms; figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another.
2. a symbolical narrative: the allegory of Piers Plowman.
3. emblem.

Loss

http://harrytijm.exto.nl/gallery/page/id/361095.html

If JH and I are no longer in contact I would feel a deep sense of loss. Not just him the person but all the things that we share in conversation. His ideas and thoughts about ideas and thoughts I have. I would miss him introducing me to photographers and sculptors (as above). I would like more time to discus with him what he particularly likes about particular photographs or paintings or sculptures. Or indeed films and so on.
I would miss being along for his discovery of all things life-like. I would miss the exxcitement of self discovery.
I wonder but knowing he will read this don't cast this in stone, I wonder if we are friends if he no longer sees me as his lover. This is just positing ideas.

This sculpture above is absolutely relevant to me. Although the name of the piece evokes some distaste so I will rename it for my own benefit. But it evokes in me a feeling that I have felt with JH. Sensuality. This I would lose too. I wonder if this is already lost?
Lying in my bed all alone, I have felt his arms around me, his warmth permeating into me. I would lose this ever happening again.






SONNET 130 - Shakespeare
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

What next? Memento. Emotions.

Memento.
Well I finally saw the whole film last night. A very good film until the end. I wasn't actually sure if the ending was good or not. Was it? It seemed to me to start throwing in a new complication just to be able to evoke the feeling of anger yet there was enough already without the copper needing to goad him further to be angry and write the note on the photo" not to believe his lies". What do you think? I wish I was brave enough to open up my Blog to the general public and see if anyone ever comments on these questions I have.
I thought Guy Pearce was excellent. He really did seem to have a look of no memory in his eyes. I wonder how he grasped this look or am I just being led along by wanting to have believed him. I did find it totally believable especially after watching the documentary Unknown White Male. And the doubts too - people were doubtful in the documentary too. Just doesn't seem possible to lose memory like that.
And another thing I didn't seem to grasp. When Natalie knew that Leonard had arrived in her boyfriends car and suit, why didn't she react? If I remember correctly she had already met and established that Leonard really did have this condition where he did not have any short-term memory. But what did she want to use him for exactly. Was she aware as my friend AB suggested that her boyfriend was implicated in the murder of Leonard's wife but wanted her revenge on Teddy and Dodd?
Well I really find it clever how the tale was twisted and the fear of Teddy as the baddy and Natalie being the one to trust - I was really struck by Leonard's comment about emotions. How he knew he had an emotion but did not have the memory as to why he felt like he did. So when Teddy had evoked anger in him, his fatal comment on his memory tricks was triggered by an emotion but no clear memory of why and from there on Leonard fell into a trap of lies.



To belatedly make 11th November.  http://driftingcamera.blogspot.com/2010/11/they-that-are-left-2010.html


Emotions
So to emotions versus behaviour particularly anger. It was something it took me a while to grasp so I am never surprised that people seem to also find it difficult to differentiate emotions (feelings is another word) and behaviours.
I think when I was little my behaviour when angry was a reason to be told off for. But no one clarified that my anger was justified because no one sat down to ask what was going on for me. I simply got told off for the behaviour. How on earth can a child have the words to say what is going on. Everything is acting out. And if adults aren't emotionally intelligent they will of course react to behaviour they don;t like. And most people just want everything to be OK - after all a child's anger if acknowledged might mean having to do something - take responsibility, even be in the wrong!! Gosh how many people struggle with being in the wrong, making a mistake. And when someone is angry then this exposure of not getting it perfectly right.#
So we are not taught how to understand emotions for what they really are. And so when JH was affected by me being angry, he wants me it seems to not be angry. Which is even more frustrating as I have felt angry and I am justified to be angry. This does not mean that I don;t or can;t love him or dislike him. It just means I am angry. Now the behaviour if I don't acknowledge my anger can then come out as a reaction and a behaviour that actually is not acceptable
So it's very very important to separate the emotion from the behaviour. The behaviour could well be inappropriate but to stop and then be able to try and find out what emotion is behind the behaviour and whatever it is then try and find out what is the reason for the emotion - this is allowing people to be who and ow they are. This is intimacy. This is humanness - and so many people just want to keep the status quo. Not take on responsibility for their part in any interaction which will arouse emotions. Gosh! We humans have so unlearnt how to be human. Way back in cave-man time there is evidence to support that emotions were the instinct. This is the universe's way of communicating.
We humans simply complicate it with complicated thinking and complex behavioural reactions
Learning to acknowledge the emotions means that I can learn how to respond so that I am dignified, gracious and maintain other peoples choice for dignity and respect.
Emotion - e=energy - energy in motion =s emotion+behaviour.

Get it? Have I put it in good simple words - I think not because I am complicated!! :)

Bliss
XX

Metaphors. My brown eyes

Shakespeare immortalised metaphors ........
Life's but a walking shadow
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot,
Full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing

This was inspired on my way home and is the beginnings of another poem never to be finished

This is a poem about fuss-pottery
The sister of my mother, means my auntie.
With the death of my mum
Left space for her to come,
Fussing and brushing me,
Rushing and fussing me.
To shower me with increasing anxiety.

She really is the best of fuss-potterer
Just when I thought I had got the lot of her
She was in stereo
Auntie two came in tow
Fussy and fussier
Loving and lovelier
To remind me that calls would not bother her!


See I give up! Can't be bothered to keep going. Never think it's of any worth anyway yet I enjoy it when I start off.
I will post it on FB and hope that my cousin and aunt are not offended but can see the funny side. Actually perhaps I won't post it anywhere but here in the safety of my secure Blog.

Things I would like to write about - anger the emotion versus angry behaviour and attitude and tones.
A lovely walk. Friendship. Losing access to the things I like and enjoy. Not in love with me. Easy peasy lemon squeezy friendships. Memento (the film and a question about a bit I don't really get and a moan about the ending - that always flattens the score I end up giving the film despite the main content being good). My packing up and going to Spain - my brown eyes.
Probably other things too but these things come to mind and I jot them down here in case I forget them then they could always be revisited or questioned.

I read JH's writings. He said he is sad about not travelling with me. Does this mean he is coming to the end of the path with me? Are we coming to a crossroads and have to go different ways? Is he talking about the trip to the USA? I get a sense he sees me less and less with love as us together. But I also think this is difficult for him to say. I am not certain and all the time I am not certain I think it is important to keep walking through. I would not want to walk away from something that is not clear cut. I have such strong feelings about not being with him, this tells me something. I know it is not fear of being alone or something like this. I am very certain it is only connected with JH himself. I am not sure if this is the case for JH. He is opening Pandora's Box and maybe he is so excited about what he sees that he feels the need to go and explore this on his own. After all he has not been single at all for years and years. Perhaps there is no room to have a me along too, hence the constant moving on. This is all open questions, no answers.

Universe, please show me what it is I am uncertain of and cannot see.
I have this overwhelming sadness - as if there is loss already. And yet we have been talking about continuing as a couple. Has too much happened? Have we lost the magic and it is irretrievable? Perhaps it was all a fantasy. JH fantasises and I can fantasise. He says he thought I put him on a pedestal he seems not to believe he was worthy of. Was I creating a person he wasn't really? Was he doing the same? He had an ideal and really I am not fitting it. Is this the grief of realising?
I don't know if I believe what I have just written. But I do keep feeling this incredibly sadness. Maybe we have lost something and there is now the opportunity to re-meet each other. Grieving the loss of something and now the real JH and Bliss can step forward. I was always the real me.
The things I like about JH I would sorely miss if I could never have access to again - his groundedness, his practicality, his friendliness, his knowledge, his sense of adventure, his desire for simplicity, his love of the planet, his desire for self discovery and self improvement, his courage, his love, his creative desires, his design scope, his company, the way he gives me the freedom to be creative, his desire for things different, he is interesting. Well here are a few in this very moment. They shift and change shape depending on what's going on.
I am very very grateful to have been allowed to explore my sexuality. Something I have never permitted before ever with anyone else. There was something in JH that I saw as a possibility to help me OK with sex. He wrote about not being selfish - I think this was in direct relation to me mentioning selfishness. Interesting that he has related this to sex. I wonder if he has in the past been accused of being selfish sexually. JH has been far from selfish.
I think the Universe knew that a lesson for me was to discover that sex is not disgusting. SC (therapist) was not understanding this about me. I think SC  has many, many valid points. He has said on many occasion that relationships will kill me. They have come close. When I re-traumatise I certainly want to cut. But what he didn't seem to comprehend was that sex and I were poles apart. Sex for me was all bells and whistles so long as I didn't have to be intimate with a person. And by intimacy I mean the fullest meaning of the word as in closeness emotionally and mentally and then the sexual and physical intimacy had become relaxed. JH enabled me to see that I could very much enjoy sex.
Of course with the situation as it has become clear has shown me that there was a veil between us. I know JH says he didn't ever take away from his love for me but he wasn't actually fully available to love me and cherish me. And intimacy to me means complete openness and honesty and willingness to work through anything until through to the other side or discovering that one or the other cannot go any further. Hopefully if that is the case then there is the possibility for friendship in the truest meaning of that word.'
I am writing this in the hope that JH does read this and can fully understand what I am writing about. We sort of have this weird communication now of writing out Blogs and reading each others and becoming informed by it.
Of course my writings are in this moment and there is an element of trying to get some sense of everything so ideas and understanding is still shifting at this time.
HOW - honesty openness and willingness.
I have a strong feeling that JH is realising he doesn't actually love me as a lover. Similarly as he has done with ES and others before me.
And I am certainly uncertain at this time. I am scared to commit fully in case I am going to get hurt. So to try and work through this needs a firm commitment from JH. If he is in any doubt then I would really rather not.
And commitment means ..... ? I wonder what commitment would mean to JH. I wonder if he really wants to do that?

Well unanswered questions..... I laughed at myself last evening. I think it was last evening. How bloody prideful I am. How irritated I was with myself that JH was the first to say well shall we get on with our things? I chuckled to myself and shared it actually with JH but I don;t think he understood the humour in it. I think some of the humour in things is being lost with all the upset and fragility. There are many funny things.


Spain. JH has commented a few times about the picture of me in Spain and the emotion he sees in my eyes that appear to be brown. He thinks he sees JB in this picture. Gosh he is so wrong.  I don;t know why my eyes appear brown. My spirit was dead, my soul felt lost. Nothing at all to do with JB, far from it. I went to Spain to get away. From everything, from nothing.
JB happened to be there and I had the awareness to make distance from him.
Yes we nearly died together but it wasn't a togetherness. I was very much alone in Spain for 3 1/2 months I wasn't even with me. Despite all the people and places I was just with me and I felt despair. I kept myself alive somehow.
I saw an opportunity to go somewhere else. I value being able to move easily and for some time before that time I had been pinned down - SH had caged my soul. I had let him of course, so I don't blame him, it is what he wants. Never before had I been so clutter-trapped. Selling my possessions was the start of being me again. Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings. I had not thought about that poem until last evening. And it came up whilst talking with JHsessions. I knew why the caged bird was singing. I saw a way to flap my wings, try them out ...... JB simply presented the possibility to me.
When that picture was taken it was strange. The place was a very deserted bar and beach area, where one would expect crowds of people. It reflected how I felt inside. I went back there one early evening and was lying alone on the sunbeds, a little chilly watching the sun go down. Once again sensing a place that was meant to be buzzing, feeling as empty as me. It was a peculiar evening. The sun disappeared leaving a thick black line of an horizon on the sea. Lying there in the dark, these guys silently turned up on the beach beneath me. All black wetsuits they quietly and in organised stealth started out to sea in rubber dinghy's. I slowed and quietened my breathing, watching their manoeuvres. I mentioned it to no one until this moment.
They didn't know I was there. No one knew I was there. No one knew where I was that evening. Nothing mattered, nothing at all.
I wonder about that evening. I breathed in the black horizon and carried on singing in my cage. But in Spain I started to know what freedom might look like.
What JH sees is a person dead inside. Lost. Lonely. An empty soul.

Uhm - next topic - another Blog so this one is posted

Bliss
XXf

I have a headache :)

Well, what do I say? Where do I begin?
My mind is whizzing with thoughts and ideas and questions and realisations, which are then later challenged again. Nothing is certain, all seems confusing.

Last night I felt post trauma return to me. I haven't had that for a little while and certainly not as virulently.
I had been speaking with JH and all sorts of feelings were arising. I felt hope for honesty and owning that if I am deciding to enter into this relationship again I must put trust in him.

Oh just realised  my headache could be contribute to by a lack of any caffeine this morning. I am so frigging dependent on it again. 3 years without! I really did it. I longed for it a lot of that time so it wasn't a real recovery from caffeine and destined for relapse. I did not find any spirituality around this flipping chemical. HA! More less than perfection. So I am going to make a coffee. I am waiting for AB to call. She is later than we had planned so I think we will walk the Devils' Punchbowl this afternoon now. It gets dark so much earlier so hopefully we can go soon. It's so flipping cold here! I hope it doesn't snow. I think it's too cold to snow. I hope it's too cold to snow. To be honest I don't really know what is too cold or not to snow. I simply want to be snowed into my home rather than snowed out. Last year was so touch and go.
And the P take my leave from me if I can't get in. Actually they are not incredibly good employers at all. They would probably crucify me for making that public. But considering they are healthcare they do not care for their staff at all well.
I really do think it's diabolical that they do not pay for sickness. At first I was beginning to get drawn into their way of thinking. I do not tolerate people that take the piss out of a system. By that I mean people who skive off because they can. But there will always be people who take advantage of any system. However, to deprive people of the right to be sick by n ot paying them. I see people drag themselves in and it's unhealthy. It breeds a culture of distrust and resentment.
Quoted from Wikipedia - The National Insurance Act (Part I) passed in 1911 gave workers the right to sick pay of 10s a week and free medical treatment in return for a payment for 4d (the payments would last for 26 weeks of sickness). The medical treatment was provided by doctors who belonged to a "panel" in each district. Doctors received a fee from the insurance fund for each "panel" patient they treated. The National Insurance Act (Part II) gave workers the right to unemployment pay of 7s 6d a week for 15 weeks in return for a payment of 2½d a week.
It took someone else to point out to me that people really fought way bakc in the 1900's and indeed earlier for such rights. But me being me thinks I have no rights. When it comes to the perceived authority and to superiority I have this sense of being shit on their shoe and they know best.
But actually internally I feel truly aggrieved at the P for adopting sucha  policy. They also don't invest in individual development yet expect employees to be current and accredited and amongst the best in the business. I see them recruit cheaply and good people becom e quickly disappointed. They recruit too people who care about the less fortunate patients and staff who give their all for the good of others. But people do become quickly disillusioned and their commitement wanes.
I stayed committed to PD. He fights for us as best he can and not only that he

Vulnerable Adults

Abuse - individual or institutional

Mental confusions
Insomnia
Pitch of talkking - speed of talking
Low self-esteem
angry - physical or verbal outbursts
sudden gain/loss of weight
withdrawal from friendships
communication difficulties

Beliefs -
deserve abuse
fear of abandonment
change subject frequently
significant pauses or silences
avoid emotions by talking about what others may feel
avoid exporessing opinions by asking someone to express their opinions
A talkative person becomes silent

personal hygiene
realxed or tense?
arms folded?
leaning towards or away
eye contact strong or completely avoided

Breezy

Erwin Olaf


 At least JH and I were able to have some light and breezy when we met today. And I enjoy him introducing photographers to me.

I felt the anger at one point. I can see now that it is there simmering and JH rightly is aware of it. I am gald to be able tp acknowledge it with him so that I then don;t act out harshly with it and punish him or try to impose the anger I feel. I know myself that someone's anger has been difficult for me. I feel the deep sense of everything being my fault. It's a hard lesson to learn that we affect each other and anger isn;t smoehting I want to evoke in anyone. Why? Because when I evoked anger as a child my dad over reacted. He would shame me and at times hit me. He always verbally demeaned my sense of self. I was a bad person. So when anyone has been angry I go straight back to the shameful me. Yet I have been learning that anger when appropriately sized is evoked for good reason. For example when someone's boundary is crossed. Anger has a purpose. It serves to help protect us - flight or fight when taken back in evolutionary purposes. Anger helps to get the adrenalin flowing and energises the body first to run and then if unable to run then to battle.
So when I felt angry earlier on it was good to acknowledge it and then not to act impulsively on it. I did not need to behave in a way that would demeane JH, I simply stated that i feel angry. Boundaries and preferences that I stated very clearly have been crossed. And whilst JH says he was not aware, he knew at some level that he not deceiving me. He is far from a stupid man so I felt angry. It's bound to come up after all the hurt. Often men just touch a shade of hurt and divert to anger much sooner than women. I know it is a part of the process.
But what I also recognise has been triggered is the childhood trauma. Now I am not putting this on JH at all. But the poor fragile me has been through a lot this week. And at work ther has been a lot of first time disclosure of rapes and sexual abuse. Not to mention the announcements of paedophilia rings being brought to trial.Me thinkgin about those poor little girls and brings to mind CH. I am cross with IC, I expect CH is using heroin by now.
I felt the trauma rising in me. At first I had this overwhleming sadness that seemed not to be attached to anything. It was just nig and fore veryone on the planet struggling with life on life's terms. We all have to deal with difficulties of varying degrees. I felt the pain of the masses. And then I went into a sort of panic attack.
Shaking and feeling aboiut 5 years old. I suddenly couldn't discern good from evil. I suddnely wondered whether perhaps JH wants to hurt me. I don;t believe that of him at all ut I could not quell the panic and trauma. I felt disgust through my body and cringing at having genitals, I can;t even write the revolting feeling that went through me. I have known so many abusers and of course I attracted them. I did not know that I did not need to be abused.
So any old abuser could come along and abuse me. Bastards. Why do people wnt to do that? Why? Universe I still don't get it.
I used to go over and over with SC (therapist). The greatest unanswered questionthat seems to never be reconciled. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Despie seeking answers from Buddhist monks and Christian priests and supposed sages, I still cannot reconcile this.
The little girls of Soham still reverberate around my head. And now these little girls and CH. It's the only way to sort of raise the question as it's somehow not permissible for me to raise it for myself. I am not worhty of that attention as I still have difficulty believing what I know is true.
Just my rectio tonight is more evidence of the vile truth.

I think JH thinks I am a mental case. I think he is truggling to actually like me. I think he doesn;t knw. I love him. He isn;t sure if i Like him. I like him. Many things I like about him. He talks about being putr on a pedestal when we first me by me and he feels as if he is tumbling off. I did not put him on a pedestal. All the qualities I saw then, I see now. I did not know what I also knwo now. And it's going to take time to build trust. I am choosing to be in ther ealtionship so have to put trust into him yet again. And I am believing him that he is affecting change.
I am so scared of being hurt again and my decision to stay being the wrong one. Yet at the same time I like and love being with JH and talking aout all sorts of things.
I long to be cuddled up with him safe and just there. I do not want sex right at this time I feel too much disgust but I think this is linked with the little trauma panic.
Well I hand it over to you Universe.
Thanks for getting me through today, I don;t feel great but I am getting to bed now in one piece.

Bliss
XX

Annie Liebowtiz - http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/episodes/annie-leibovitz/photo-gallery/19/

Curious - just love the word

LL is chasing her tail here. Always makes me smile. It's damned cold. Low cloud, I wonder if the snow is making it's way here after all. I will take LL for a walk shortly but no more bravery, I really need to wrap up warm.
I hope it doesn't sow whilst I am out. I do not want to get stranded just as I did last year. And the snow is early this year. WOW!

Well JH and I spoke last evening. I could not wait any longer.
I read his Blog and the intrigue was cast ...... reading his thoughts and feeling my loss of our love I sent a message. Oh no actually I was talking with big HB. We were laughing and recounting tales from our days together in the past. It was lovely and funny too. We both learnt a lot about ourselves way back then but also she reminded me that I tried to kill myself. She was beside herself. We talked about the extent to which she went to try and find me after I disappeared out of hers and little HB's life.
I love little HB so much and of course big HB. Little HB has real difficulty over her father. Apparently she became distraught just recently when she thought she had lost my home phone number. It makes me feel special for a moment but I also become instantly aware that it is not me but a little girl who is already set on a path of fear of abandonment. With a mum who from time to time relapses and his chaotic - the inconsistency is the issue. I know big HB absolutely adores little HB and is such a fun mother - so creative. What a wonderful person big HB is ..... she is such a funny creator. She found a stray dog and called it Flea. So what with her other dog Duck, a rabbit called Stu, two cats and a snake - all in their little flat. big HB is a wonder that few others have encountered. I hope some day that she will be better known to the world.
She thinks the two of us could write our book and make a fortune. Just write about the occasions when we were out there together. Ha ha. It nearly killed me but bloody hell what a time.
I has spoken extensively with little HB just the evening before and we are arranging to meet in London to celebrate both big and little HB's birthdays. As a fairy Godmother I am useless. little HB's birthday is on the same day as my mum died so there is no bloody reason why I forget to do anything - I am very lazy about birthdays. Everyone's. Always have been. I used to really upset my mum when I forgot hers. She wouldn't even open the envelope if it arrived even one day later. That went for anyone's late arrivals actually. She could be a stubborn and cantankerous

Anyway, off the a story. I sent a Whatsapp earlier to see if there was a time to speak together that would suit both of us. When he responded I responded immediately. We entered into a little Whatsapp dialogue and then both thought we could talk now. Well once I had finished speaking with big HB, JH and I tried speaking on Skype but for some odd reason neither my mic or speakers worked. So we tried the landline but my handset battery was already worn down after a long, long talk with big HB. So then we managed to get Skype on iPhone. Marverllous piece of kit and iPhone. One expense I am pleased with.

I listened with interest as JH spoke about the things he has done. I can hear it's for himself. Massive potential for the freedom he has been looking for. He attended CoDA although I already knew this from reading his Blog. I wasn't clear on many things as he seemed to be speaing abstractly at times. Just vague remarks. I became confused really - Do have any right to want to know more. After all we finished the relationshio this week. If it were my friends yes I would ask them to clarify and be specific but I don;t knwo wat JH and I are.
He says he would like to remain as girlfriend and boyfriend - as a couple. I want that but am also scared to be. My heart has been really hurt. He says that he would like me to let bygones be bygones. But this recent past behaviour is there and has informed the way we have related with each other. It's not as if we are meeting for the first time and can talk about the past as being in the past. It is what I know of him.
I do believe I have been pretty consistent. I know that with my instinctive inquisitiveness about his behaviour I have not liked the way I was becoming. I knew even thoug I didn't know details. And it just seemed that the only way I could chekc that I wasn;t mad was to try and force it out of JH and then finally the most disgusting of all to be checking his emails. The snooping as Lace Foxglave was low but it got lower.
I do not want to be in a relationship where that is necessary. I do not like that in me. Having got that far it had to end. There was no trust whatsoever and it was completely founded.
Universe - please?

I have to go to get my hair cut and coloured.

Bliss
I

Posting every minutae at any opportunity

I hadn't realised  could access Blogger at work. I am sure I am not supposed to. But I am sitting here waiting for my client to arrive and every minute sitting still brings on feelings and thoughts.

It seems really silly now - I signed on and saw a new follower JH - and then discovered his Blog site. It just seems silly that really we are communicating through our Blogs. He is probably reading mine and now I am reading his. What is this now that's going on? What are we really achieving or aiming for between us?

As I drove in this morning I witnessed another, yes yet another beautiful sunrise. I took a picture - not a great encapture of the reality. It is surely impossible to capture the feeling I get with the sunrise each morning. Yesterday the colours were so so vibrant. Today all pastels and squiggles that caught the light in bizarre ways. These things I would like to share with someone. My friends, yes they are sort of interested. But someone who gets me and cherishes my quirks. I loved JH for him and his quirks.
I don't think he would have ever realised that I do not judge because I know when I got angry it sounded as if I did judge him. I constantly want to work on this so that even in the depth of troublesome emotions I can maintain my principles. I do not judge people for the ways they want to be. But if I don;t know the full facts of a way a person is, their behaviour, beliefs, attitude, motives, opinions etc. etc., then the dignity of choice is removed.
I have been wondering what happens next between us. JH tells me and writes about the changes he is making. I want to believe him. I kept believing him but really I knew my intuition told me otherwise.
I do not wish to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see.
I have sent a message now via Whatsapp to enuire when he is might be available over the weekend if he still wishes for us to speak together. I have no idea what to expect from myself if and when we speak.
I truly hope JH is feeling good. I read that he has booked his tickets to America. It seems so easy for him to carry on without me. That hurts too.
I am damned well striggling.

Another person today cmmented on how well I suddenly look - smiling and calm. Another reminder of how I have invested time trying to work out what was going on, not wanting to believe it and trying to stop it from being so. And all along it is really up to JH. The truth was revealed just as JH kept saying. He says his eyes are open now. I wonder what he sees?

I have arranged some pleasant things with friends and also organised my hair cut and coour tomorrow. Doing something nice for myself. Every penny I had extra I was keeping for the trip to the US. Well now I can spend it on getting my hari done and having my car serviced. JH just didn;t know how much I invested myself and everything I did into our relaitnship. Everything I was dong was for the us part of him and I. I feel disappointed. It wasn;t worth it it seems.

I am rambling from topic to topic.

Today I had an interesting 1:1 with my cline.t He is questioning everything and wanting solid answers . He obstructs himself by being so rigid and closed minded. He is such a lovely guy and certainly wants something different in his life. Each time he comes along her just wants to argue about why this doesn;t work and nor does that. He has such a lot of anger and he seems to need to dump it on things that don;t seem to be working for him. They are ot working because the things he is angry with are not resolvable by AA but AA provides the outlet to make changes to oneself.
I said to JH the other day how strange I find it (without judgement) that so many people try to focus on living in tuen with the land but forget to get in tuen with oneself first. We are nature too not just the trees and the seasons. We have cycles and emotional responses and a whole macro world to first get in tune with. Follow the Universe. We are where we are today. We don;t need to ignore the current developments and technologies to be in sink with spirituality. This is how man has developed. That is spiritual surely and natural. We are evolving and surely we shouldn't deny that? Of course there are problems caused by developement or contributed to by change. But it doesn;t mean we are setting out to destroy on purpose.
What does seem so destructive to me is the non-acceptance of people as they are. So there are differences. That is surely manageable. We can live side by side and tolarate differences, even celebrate differences. It's possible to learn by the differences. But to war against differences. That is surely not a spiritual principle. I don't like that at all. I feel sad at the hatred that exists between people. I feel more at one with the Universe when I am accepting of people - I feel peace. Doesn;t mean I have to adopt their ways as the right way. So long as I am practiving my principles and those include not intentiaonally harming anyone along the way. I surely make mistakes - just look at the way things are right now. Ouch!!!

Well I am tired. It's very cold here. I hope the snow doesn;t make it's way here. I am snuggled up tonight though. Watching a movie ... Memento. I have always thought very highly of Guy Pearson. He looks incredibly thin in the film though.
Fascinating start. I thought I had seen it but can't remember a thing about - hahahahahahaha - only funny if you know the film I suppose.

I am surprised by the way how I have absolutely no interest for SecondLife. A good thing in my opinion.
I am letting go of wondering if JH has set up another avatar or using an older one. I consider all the things he can do to hide better but letting go. It's his business. I truly hope that I could believe and trust him. But then what for - we have no relationship. My heart truly feels very broken.

Bliss
XX

More thinking

Coming home I feel so empty. Coming home for the last 7 - 8 months has been an excitement to meet with my love JH. Now we don't meet. No wake up calls in the morning.
And then I also feel an anger. I am angry that actually all the passion I put into JH and I was somehow worthless. It was real from me but now seems as if it was worthless from him. He was involved with so many others!!
Gosh that hurts so much. I know he talked about in his mind he was with me - but the reality is something very different.
God I want to believe that he will be making changes and that because I love him I can work with him. I am toing and froing because the other part of me knows how hard it is to stay straight and narrow. How hard it is when feelings arise and temptation gains it's strength at these times. The Devil knows how to utilise moments of weakness. And JH is only just looking at this.
Part of me wonders if all this he has told me is also falsity. And I get scared to trust as I have put trust in only to become aware each time that my intuition is right.
I am glad to know that I can listen to my intuition and instincts. I am not crazy at all. ES got some relief I hope knowing that her intuition was right and she wasn't crazy.
JH is such a lovely man. A man I fell in love with apart from this other side of him. I want to be able to love and cherish all that is good and the other side to be managed. That's what I want.
I have had a life time of men that seem to get some kind of pay off taking women for a ride. I really believed that JH was different - so he wasn't open and wasn't honest. But I still want to believe that fundamentally he never meant to hurt me, and that really he did care.
I am not sure he knows actually if he loves or loved me. He seems so confused about many things. One minute he thought he needed to go and try once more with a new outlook with his wife. Then he realised later that wasn't what it was. He said he was in the wrong place but new it was right to do. So much confusion. And how can anyone so confused really know whether they are in love or not.
There are so many things for JH to explore with himself. I truly, truly hope he does.
I would love it if some time we can be together. But I also know with time I will heal and move on.
I will always be available to be a friend. I will not allow myself knowingly to be another ES, Mona, Marguerite, IL or any others that have existed.
I suspect that JH will meet with Mona after all or maybe another new one when he goes to America. I look forward to the moment when I can let go and it will no longer matter who he is with or not. Fuck it hurts so much.

Yet today I have had a sense of calm. I have had absolute clarity in my work. There has been some good therapy taking place today. Clients feeling so safe within their group, disclosures of releasing enormity. Shifts that are most unexpected. And I have felt at ease being me.
I realised whilst driving home that I have been so on edge for a number of months now. Trying to control what I instinctively knew was going on. Not free to be me and do my own things, needing to always be available for JH as if I wasn't he would use the time to be contacting one of the others. SHIT! It hurts hurts hurts to write that. I gave everything of me and he gave partially to me. I want to believe that it was in his denial of what he was truly doing. And I get annoyed with myself for not pulling away sooner. I kept saying to myself "if I learn of something else that will be it!" And then I learnt of something else and decided to believe and work with it. Each time. I so love him. He will never really know that I don't think. Or maybe there is a possibility if he really does get on the path of change.

PD commented on how different and serene I looked this morning. And I am in contact with friends and arranging things to do. I had not been doing any of this I realise trying to stay close to JH. Losing myself slightly and yet not as fully as I would have done in the past. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with JH. Oh my gosh I really have enjoyed discussions and laughs and sex and closeness. It's juts fucking annoying that actually there was always something standing between us. I knew it but didn't know.

More to write .............

I love speaking with HB - she is such a vibrant person and doesn't even know it. And my little fairy Goddaughter. She is just a bundle of cuddle. And then ML. I have the most amazing people in my life. I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I still want JH in my life but not they way he has treated me. I do not blame him, I truly don't. And I even believe he really cares for me. I am not sure if I believe he loves me. I feel too hurt. That to me isn't loving. I think there is a complete denial of the reality which as a recovering addict I truly understand. I love him and could stand by him whilst he starts the work on himself. But I am not prepared to be in a relationship that is not monogamous.
Ew yuchy feeling. As I write that I have just returned to wondering who what he is doing???
Let go! We are not together. We are speaking at the weekend. I just got a sense that I am feeling as if we are still together and we are not. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to be without him and it hurts like hell that he has been so dishonest and deceitful - that's not loving behaviour
I will get over this. I do love him. I would support any changes but not with ongoing deceit. And that cannot take time to change it's now or never but then I am writing that again like we are in a relationship
Shit - too tired for all of this and need to sleep and stop the washing machine spinning.

I had a wonderful conversation with my cousins young daughter. 13years old. She is so interesting and interested and very loving. She seemed really excited that we were talking and it was such a grown up conversation. She is studying and presenting to her class on the subject of the Chinese one child policy. Gosh she was amazing in what she had learnt and so very grown up in her opinions. I mentioned to her Amnesty International and apparently she is now really keen to work towards a career somewhere in the line of humanity. How exciting!
And then speaking with HB - my fairy Goddaughter. And how loving she is. And then SW my other big fairy Goddaughter. I feel so blessed to have these young people in my love. All love and cuddles and innocent really. I am a very very blessed person in so many ways.
Thank you Universe for all the people and the experiences I have.
Please can you sort things out for JH and I. Whatever you think best really - Universe?????

I am going to sleep.
It's good to write.

Bliss
XX

It's the "things" you love most, Bliss, the "things" that are dearest to you, that you often allow to define who you are.
Which explains the sometimes insufferable pain caused by their loss.
A wholly avoidable pain.
Ahhh... so hey, now you know.
The Universe
 
Well even Jesus Christ had emotions didn't he? And the Dalai Llama has feelings - I think it's actually about acknowledging them and going through them rather than avoiding them. Avoiding sort of suggests to me not living. Avoiding life so as not to feel the pain of suffereing. But this also means not feeling the joys too. Disengaging.
To me all feelings are good - when acknowledged and observed. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance means processing and then being able to get to the other side of the feelings.
My problem is I want to bring an end to the feeling before it is ready. Suppress it. And usually the feelings I want to suppress are those that I find most difficult.
I am feeling the pain of missing JH. He didn;t define  me. But I like time wth him. I like sharing thoughts and ideas with him. Ah poo. Then I think well ha hasn;t really been available to do that with me - he has been only partially with me and paritally with many other women. Argh that hurts. And then I can feel the anger rise in me too.
 Went to sleep instead of writing on ................

All emotions - how to put words and make meaning

I have immersed myself in work and other peoples issues today. And with so much energy. It's not that I feel energised, it's away of not thinking and not feeling.
I am home now. And shit I miss JH. I am sitting here wanting to make contact. But I also know I need some peace time. Its not peaceful of course because I am wondering what he is doing, who he is seeing or if he is being pulled by temptation. He is sitting with raw feelings and alone. And then if he does actually go to CoDA knowing how he falls in love so easily and blah blah blah.
I have to let go .......... and trust the Universe even though I am still wondering what the hell the Universe has in mind exactly. Well reality is the Universe has nothing in mind. The Universe is just doing it's stuff. Planet earth rotates as always and the Universe shifts and adjusts just as it always has done. And we humans go about doing and being.
It is so hard - I love him you see. And I am sitting here thinking how impossible this situation seems. Here is the man I love who hasn't even been realising what he was doing. And then suddenly gets some clarity and both of us know we cannot go on.
Then he starts clearing out everything - apparently closing down SL, contacts with women, etc etc. And I have said I need a little time until the weekend without any contact. I think of him sitting there without all his escapes and how will he manage. He is not used to this. Will he really find a way to manage? And I know the power of the feelings will be screaming for him to find a way to escape. It's not easy. I am siting here screaming with emotion and have this outlet as one way to do something other than betray myself. I need some time I need some time I need some time.
I love him too. Universe this hurts so so so so much. Help me! Please help me. Help me find trust that all of this horrible feeling will pass. Help me to trust that I will be OK. Universe please help JH to be safe and get all that he desires and all that he needs.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I hurt - I want - I hurt

No matter how hard you work, prepare, or calculate, Bliss, the final ingredient necessary to leap hurdles and manifest dreams will always come down to a little spark of magic that no amount of physical maneuvering can ensure. While simply remembering that you're not alone, can.
Flick my bic,
The Universe
 
JH became angry when I asked him to distinguish his emotions from his thoughts. He seemed to think I was criticising him. I wanted to establish what he was feeling and interested to know what he was thinking too of course. The difficulty with this change is the importance of being emotionally intelligent.
I think people poo poo it mainly because they don't understand it. I certainly hadn't a clue what people were banging on about - feelings????????
Emotions are the powerful motivator for behaviour - along with beliefs and attitude, amongst just a few of the human things going on. But feelings are often so sub conscious. This does not ave to be - my exploration of self involves becoming more conscious of my feelings, my thoughts, my attitude, my knowledge, my learnt patterns that are often skewed in the teaching. Oh blah blah blah. I know all this stuff why am I writing it????

What do I do now? Truly want to hear .......

My pain was relieved during yesterday. I willed for JH to text me. I received 2 exts both of which I resonded to. I felt immediate relief at receiving his texts. Then last evening we were Whatsapping backwards and forwards and then JH called me.
We both knew in the morning we could not continue. My reasons seemed justified knowing that JH has a lot to go and work out. It felt less painful when I thought he needed to re-visit the situation with his estranged wife. It has always seemed to me that the business between then is untidy and unfinished.
And after all these months of sensing things were different between us - sensing his need for secrecy and the continuous discovery of yet more and more, learning each time how he was deceiving me - I even realise that there were times when he said he did not need to reach orgasm - I suppose now he had already been actively sexual with someone else earlier. Ugh it feels dirty thinking lke that so I do not want to continue thinking like that.
That's the major reason for me that we cannot continue p there has just been so much dishonesty. I don't think at any time I have been misleading. I said I want to be in a monogamous relationship and invited honesty all the way along. And with each discovery I amde I asked JH if there was anything else he needed to tell me and each time he said no trust me. So I put trust in him each time and each time he will have known that there was other stuff he was doing but preferred to be secretive with me. Fuck!
It hurts. I feel angry!
Universe I want to be with someone who loves me. And love to me means wanting to treat me with dignity and be honourable to my needs and wants. Someone who is themselves and that we agree on major principles. These things perhaps I didn't make clear???? What is there to be unclear about when sayng open and honest. And JH claimed each tme he was being which was just more lying. Fuck it hurts like hell.
Now after all that he says he made the biggest mistake by leaving and yet he has to go. What is that all about???????
He has to go and sort things out to be worthy of me. What the fuck is that about??????????????????
The pain of goodbye is immense. I hurt so much. The thought of not having contact with him after being with him every night for the last 7 months. Our plans to visit the USA - plans for the future  all smashed.
I lose more than jst him I lose happy plans.
But i can pass through the pain and will return to some peace of mind which hasn't been there with all the insecurity aroused. JH kept putting on and that it was my insecurity. Yes it was my insecurity but aroused by his behaviour,.
He said he was honest in his mind and that is what he thoughtwas decent. Fucking hell! It all starts in the mind he said and there he was starting relationship after relationship with women in his mind. He will surely saying they were,'t relationships but every encounter with someone is a relationship - and it's certaily not monogamous.
He said he wanted monogamy. Perhaps he thought he wanted it until the next SL message or Skype call etc.
Fuck fuck fuck - I have anger now. It has to come up - it's a part of the process.
DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE
O feel in a sort of shock - one minute I am crying and hurting in my entire body, the next I have a numbness, no feeligngs at all.
I already miss someone who shows some care all for me. Someone who seemed to show that I matter. And yet all along I was one of many. That;s not OK. JH can do what he likes of course thats not my issue. My issue is that I dont want to be with someone who is not monogamous - in mind and in action. God he said he had bourndaries with women. How the hell could he when he was making out with women in SL on Skype, etc etc.
I am not certain about anything. I wonder what is really JH's truth. I wonder if he really knows. I might even describe his deceit as pathological - he seemed convinced that he wasn't lying.
I want to speak wit him of course becuase I dont want to lose him. Yet we have said goodbye. I ave to get used to the loss.
If in a few months there is a considerable change for him and =oh God it seems to hurtful dealing with the thought of finality.
That;s all this is - the pain of loss. He thinks he really wants me and loves me and all it is really is the pain of loss. I love him so much. I am so hurt by what he has been doing.
Please Universe what is the right thing.
Of course I lose my Master too. I asked to be set free. I will not visit SL. I went there last evening for 10 minutes and said hello to Pippi for the first time in SL. I did not enjoy it at all.
I do not want either to try and avoid my feelings. So I left again and that felt so much better. I have friends, I can write, I can read. I can do many things to help soothe my feelings but not avoid them. I want to heal not suppress.
What would I tell someone else to do. I would say that they need to trust their instincts. Mine have been guiding me all along.
My instincts are telling me what?
Partly they are saying well listen to what JH says afyer a few days. partly they are shouting it's all pain of goodbye and after some time the pain will diminish if we leave long enough between us. And then in the light of less emotional attachment it will be possible to see each otehr as individuals. I know this to be true. After time I could see John clearly for example and I knew thatI did not want to be with him and never really had.
I love JH. I feel it. And the loss of that hurts and cvery thought and decision.
I dont what to do for the best for me. I do not want to be lied to again. I HATE the empty hole that is left through us splitting up. I HATE it.
I have felt so happy. And it hurts that really that was false happiness. It was based on lies
That stinks
Peopel can do as they please. I do not judge that. I truly dont - what I dont want is to be with people who follow such different principles when they are principles I hold as spiritual for me and fundamental. Lots of things I am negotiable on but there are some things that I am not. Universe I will not budge on openness and honesty. And i do not profess to be perfect in this area. Far from it but I know when I am not being honest and can take responsibility and change it and I do. I make mistakes but thats what they are. When I realise this I make changtes and amends. What has been happeneing is that JH says his conscience is on the right track but his behaviour isn;t - well that doesn;t work for me.
Affairs of the heart start in the mind - that is true. But his behavour doesn;t happen without some conscious thought too. If having sexual encunters and secret relationships is OK with his principles that's great but not with me.
I have said all of this to him.
This is all just repeating rant so that I get it iout of my head. Sorry Universe for writing this all down.
I am hurting through the loss of the man I love but the man I love was deceiving me and thinking it was OK until he claims just yesterday.
He says he started making changes!
It's odd - amidst all of this going on between us he was just going to go off and have a nicve time with his friend RW. I was perplexed. It was right for him to leave of that I have no doubt. I did not want to continue with the relationship either. He has things to do. But his decisions baffle me.
He still can't let go completely - ES says she wants more explanation. I can hear that he will not see through with no contact with her. Despite everything he cannot let go completely. Just hanging on selfishly ......
That tells me really doesn't it.
I don;t think I hear sincerity.
He said he knew he was doing the wrong thing by leaving and he is in the wrong place - so why then leave and not work at what he wants???? He said he knew after the discussion we had it was not for LtB but to work on being worthy. What the hell is this?
I need to be separated from him - get over this hurt. Not be another in the chain of people he keeps hanging on. He says I am not that. But that's what I will become. ES LtB me Mona Marguerite and however many others exist or have done so in the past until he feels ready to let go.
No that is not OK I am better than that. I deserve to be respected by a person who knows they love me.
Poor ES wants to know more.
I feel a mix of anger and hurt. Love and pain. It's all got to come out and best that I don't speak with JH.

I will get beyond this I know. I talk abot the processing of emotions every day at work and here I am thinkng of cutting things short.
I want to speak in 7 days because  hate this hole  that is left. I so want that JH's feelings for me were true love. Universe I want that. But I know I can't always have what I want.
If after time it is true love it will be shown.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but isn;t there also a saying relating too much time apart as well.
It was the anniversary of my mum's death on Monday. Wow so much loss in sych close proximity.
I HURT I HURT I HURT I HURT!!!!!!!
I want no contact for these next few days and then I will let JH know ...... I need some time to think. Clear space.
Universe tell him I love him. And at the same time tell him how angry I am with him. And that I had so much thought of happiness for us in the future. But this is clouded with his deceit and behaviour. Tell him I do not judge him badly for how he is and has been - I am upset that he told me he as one thing and actually was not at all.
He says he wants to be different -  I hope he finfds what that is. And Universe if you think we need to revisit our relationship then I am sure you will show that to us. I am doubtful though you really have got things straight - after all the list I sent you these 2 things were of critical importance and emotional awareness too.
I think there is free will and the mistakes have been mine not yours.
I ut trust in you. I know you are greater than me.
Fuck I didn;t want this kind of thing to be a part of my Blog - I wanted this to be about how our love was developing.

Bliss
XX

Universe please show me what I must do ...................

What the fuck was that Universe?????????

I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart is broken into a million pieces.
My love and I have parted ways. I hurt like I am going to explode. I miss him already.
He left this morning. I can't stop crying with such horrible horrible pain of loss.
Weeks of working through deceit and secrecy - on and on trudging through it - my anger. Reluctance to give up working through this. Real life cuddles and warmth. Further introductions into my life. Giving everything, Holding back and wary, Prying painfully trying to believe and trust.
Finally some openness and potential for change and the realisation that we could not continue.
FUCK Universe. What the hell is going on???

Months during which I have sensed the deceit and then when probing discovering various untruths. He didn't like me using the word lies. It seemed to me that JH was so full of shame that when hearing lies he heard liar as if doomed to be forever a liar. His mother once told him once a thief always a thief. I see the point that having thieved something there was not going back on having taken that action it could not be taken away. But this is so shaming and I don;t know if his mother also helped him to learn how to correct his misdemeanour. And it certainly seems familiar that he has taken that into his heart hearing he is a bad bad person. So when I talk about lies - well it looked like shame which became anger which all of course helps to keep up the complete and utter denial of anything that would expose him as bad. Oh how I know this painful trap of self deprecation. Owning bad behaviour sets me a little bit freer each time I face denial in the face. One more step away from the murky underworld. Thank goodness for recovery. Free. World widely available.

Ew yuch! I just felt the pain again. We have spoken this evening. And realising that I need to let go. Negotiating whether we speak in a little while soon or have a couple of months with no contact. And there is the risk for me that there will be no getting back together. He will be meeting plenty of women in CoDA!! Should not write that in case he reads this but at the same time, it's reality! Women are everywhere.

So months of sensing things were not always legitimate. Asking and hearing plausibility then believing and then being hurt again.
When I discovered ES was going to be visiting and how very very gradually the details of her stay were becoming clearer. JH said that the relationship was over before then. But I wonder what their time together actually consisted of. I write this to remind me not to punish. I am hurting so much it's good to know what we came through.
So there was one particular time I recall but generally the whole visit never did seem to me to be as JH as had lead me to believe. I have wondered what they really did and how they were together at that time. I remember JH saying he was going to one place with another friend. It transpired this was not at all true and it became evident that JH was spending a lot of his time with ES. Wow that was hurtful but I chose to believe him. Oh gosh without going into detail, Eva was a frequent source of concern. Photos, regularity of contact etc etc. But I came to terms and only this weekend learnt that she knew very little about JH's relationship with me. ES's response to his email to her, explaining a little more of his behaviour in reality indicated that she knew very lttle. But she had also been instinctually aware of his deception thgough interactiosn with other women. Men will never ever comprehend the instinct of a woman. But they cleverly redirect that as being insecurity. Well insecurity exists where there are things to be curious and insecure about.

I need sleep. I have not slept well for several days now.

God I miss JH. I let him further into my heart than anyone has been before. The hole left is deep. I am trying to ensure I don't let the murkiness in.

I have more to write
Bliss
XX

You are among friends, Bliss.
Everyone, always, everywhere.
Life is good,
The Universe

The Judder Man

It's the Judder Man, my dear!
Did you sense him pass by here?
You can't outwit his Daedalian mind
He knows your kind as you entered the room.
Did I see his chill rise inside
A mortal soul shiver, I assume
Peculating fingers, flesh touched,
Spirit set aside, empty,
For the Devil to find.


I have many first lines of potential poems. This one is about memories and fears but have got no further.
I need to get up and get going. I have things to do.



My love JH is on his way to the UK. For two weeks.
Exciting!! Interesting. The longest we will have spent time together in the flesh.

Well, actually, Bliss, you were different.
You didn't want a perfect life, a typical life, or even a normal life.
You wanted a one-of-a-kind.
How we doing?
The Universe
 
Master has reinstated his requirements of me that I have not been undertaking.
It's quite amazing how the slave is awakening again.
I cannot acclimatise to te differences to be adopted slave versus lover. There is an awkward fit at times.
And then there is also real life situations that drive the slave out. I read about the need to be aware of circumstances, emotiuns etc that do not fit well with the M/s situation. But if I were not a consenting slave then I would have not choice. And you know what, this is very arousing. But when there is a love relationship as well, empotions involved in that really need to be resolved within that relationship. hey cannot be over ridden it seems with the M/s relationship. Something would be lost along the way.
I can see why DD did not want anything more than a M/s relationship. There was little emotion in sense of feeling for me although he created an adoration for him.
With my the M/s relationship is wholly different. I love him first and foremost!
 
A lot to learn.
So these last 2 days I have been stroking my slit after peeing as Master requires.
Intense emotions as well as physical arousal. Humiliation, adoration, achievement when he is pleased with me, pleased to pleased, owned. It is really not easy to describe the reason why this is all so increcibly good for me.
 
Must go
Bliss

erotic evocation of the atmosphere and emotions

This may be very boring indeed but for me has been most fascinating - reading psychological research papers and articles about BDSM SMers and M/s. I started writing to my friend about it having gently disclosed my recent exploration. But I think as it has been a therapeutic exercise thus far, I will not send it and instead leave it here, safe (ish).

This started as a result of reading an article about BDSM SMer M/s and therapy. A very interesting article about prejudices and misunderstandings amongst many counsellors and indeed the DSM IV categorises sexual deviance's as pathological. There have been cases taken to court as well. These sexual activities in my view a very misunderstood. So I thought I would research further and here are some of my thoughts as I have been reading and reading.

Dear Friend (M) I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to just start tentatively to be honest about my thoughts on Dominant and submissive interests.


I have felt ashamed of this for my lifetime about a tendency which I know was there from a young age. I have felt that I was dirty and vile. I was told off at school with another girl (aged 7 yrs) for a game we were playing in the playground in which she and I were captured and tortured by these two boys and some other girls. I have often associated this with

the very difficult times I was going through in my home life. A lot I cannot remember but have a feeling of terror and shadowy memories.

But as I am reading more and more there is a dubious correlation between submissive orientation and sexual abuse - well so far in my research. As always there are a large number of people who have been abused sexually physically mentally emotionally a spiritually. A lot of people don't even realise this is what has happened to them and carry on the legacy with their own children. More and more I come to some belief that our society is full of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes but there is little awareness. Centuries of getting to this point in my lowly opinion. So it doesn't matter within which community mega or macro, there will be evidence of abuse depending on mind-sets.

Having said all of this I am fascinated by people - everything - interactions - verbal, written, visuals, etc.etc. I have found the social constuctionism theories very compelling and heard last night this is an area you are currently studying. Perhaps we can have more time to talk about this - we talk about the daily life things but rarely get stuck into a debate. I have a hunger for knowledge so would learn a lot from you I know. And i am sure we have ideas to churn and expand on - what do you think?


Reading the article in Therapy Today has really interested me on a more intellectual level which of course helps take me away from my own feelings.

I have been doing some research this morning and wondered if you wanted snippets of info as I go along that seem interesting suggestions - the research are formal scientific and psychological research papers around the world and not general hearsay. But of course as I have learnt through my studies so far no research provides a finite answer (even when they seem to claim that).

Also bear in mind that some of the snippets I might send are a small finding within a greater study and not necessarily the purpose of the study.

My scan of the document I read is not clear so will try again as I think you might find it interesting.


One thing that was a very interesting comment -

"Sexual sadism appears more frequently in forensic contexts in combination with sadistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders but rarely with masochism.

Masochism is otherwise reported to be more prevalent in patients of general psychiatry, however, combined with depression or dependent personality traits rather than with sadism."
Wolfgang Berner · Peer Briken, Sexueller Sadismus und Sexualkriminalität, Forens Psychiatr Psychol Kriminol (2010) 4:90–97

I found this very interesting. As I had been diagnosed with Borderline and also Personality Disorder as well as an addictive personality of course. (Amongst many others ahahahahaha). There are times when I feel almost entirely non-sexual and at these times do not want to engage with anything remotely sexual. So i thought I would try and note my mood levels and see if there is any correlation. I am unclear on the term general psychiatry and will see if one of the consultants could clarify their interpretation of this. Currently I believe this to mean falling between the lines of the norms. Back to the diagnostic labels have been given - well I read the criteria and to be honest could fit into any at some time. I am reading about Aspergers at the moment and think "ooo I do that, and that!". But there are some people who fit entirely inot the criteria and don't have anything else as well. Probably like the chronic alcoholics mentioned in the AA Big Book.


The above research paper was primarily investigating sadism but of course it doesn't exist without the masochistic element, someone or something has to be on the receiving end. And of course the findings are suggest there is a high level of sadism within forensic cases not meaning that all sadistically orientated people are murderers at the high end or criminally aggressive.


Do you know of much literature on the subject? Does it appear through the ages specifically? I know of but not in detail the Story of Anne Desclos and Gorean books by John Norman. I was just interested how this very underground sexuality features. And is there a link too with Goth Vampires etc?


Funny thing is, sidelining slightly, I am so controlling and the submission is about handing over control entirely. I think some of the relief of submission is being able to not be in control of my destiny. Within that there is a sense of freedom finally for me. Expression and exploration are more accessible.


Will add more thoughts and findings (just delete the whole thing if its too boring or too distracting or just something you are just abhorred by)
Ha ha - have even written off to a couple of the Profs. I am insane

I found this conclusion from a research quite reassuring actually. Having been recently actively speaking with people to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships, I thought how much more at ease some of these people seemed. Open. Some were judgemental bout vanilla relationships but less judgemental and more saying that vanilla wasn't for them. Whereas people with supposedly more normal sexual activities do seem to make judgements against people practising sexual diversity. And as I write that it's similar in most instances of alleged normality and the judgements against anything slightly different and challenging - control through fear perhaps. Funny that the research is into the deviations from everyday when quite possibly the everyday is the more unhealthy. Just a thought.

"Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with “normal” sex."
Richters J, de Visser RO, Rissel CE, Grulich AE, and Smith AMA. Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. J Sex Med 2008;5:1660–1668.

It seems that until recent research, anyone practicing what is being named as "kinky" sexual interests are psychologically abnormal, have been involved in sexual abuse or are sexually deficient. This continues to be the diagnosis in the Medical Manuals. But there is more and more research disproving these earlier findings. I like the fact that in the research mentioned above it highlight the fact that much of the evidence supporting these earlier claims is gathered from people who have been criminally charged. I think that sheds a light on other facts.

A sexual interest or subculture attractive to the minority was the conclusion from the above mentioned research paper. And not a result of anything psychological wrong. Interesting. The study also showed a greater number of women involved in BDSM. But then all sorts of factors might have influenced the stats.

I will continue to add this as I read and discover - of course all the thoughts and opinions I write are merely that ....

It has become clear in my research of the research that BDSM SM M/s sexual activities are being found to be not a clinical issue. The reference is to subculture and alternative sexual activities. It made me smile when reading an article about how therapists need to conduct themselves, that importance was made to remaining aware not try and elimnate or cure the sexual acitivity as being pathological. It wasn't such a long time ago that homosexuality was something that had to be cured!!!

This is an interesting website - https://ncsfreedom.org/

Owned

the sting of His whip~ the welts from His crop~ the warmth of His kiss~ the click of the lock~ assures me i am His most cherished possession..
written by a fellow slave.



After a week or more of what has seemd like turmoil to me between my love and I, Master asked if i wanted to be set free. I had mentioned something about this at some point amidst all the ups and downs between my love and I. The slave in me has been practically non-existant and there has instead been sadness and fears and confusion. Apparently when circumstances involve more difficult emotions, in some M/s relationships, the roles are discontinued. It seems that this has happened organically between Master and i.
i fell silent when Master asked this question. Being without Master, what a thought. And I wasn't sure how closely this was linked with the end of the relationship all together. Or maybe Master thought our lvoe relationship could be better without the added dimension.


Master owns me. i cannot make such a decision. i consent to being Masters slave. Isn't his decision then to decide if Master would prefer to set me free.

The spider in the vibrating larynx

How do they know? The statistic that is given of how many people swallow spiders in their sleep. Allegedly many a fateful spider drops from above into the open jaws of the snoring unsuspecting below. Imagine the horror for the spider, being tossed and turned and the deafening sounds and force gale winds.
But how do they calculate sucha stastic. The statistyic comes from hearsay anyway - I have never searched for the statistic itself. It has been mentioned to me by a number of others through the years. It's a myth I am sure that gets dropped into conversation as a caveat or a joke.

I an feel my grace returning. I am less reactive but not completely reaction-less. I am a little more thoughtful of what I need to say to be responsive to my emotions.
It is horrid hearing how my love thinks he is bad. He seems to interpret some things that are said or actions as him being bad.I feel sad to hear him say this. And I can relate too as I think I am bad and the problem.
I know he is not THE problem and is not bad. I know rationally that I am not THE problem or bad. We both have a part in the way we interact which contributes to the us.

My love spoke about a reluctance to be sexual with me. In my mind I am touching him all the time and snuggling into him when he is not looking. I keep putting my heart in his hand when he is occupied so that he won't notice it. ALWAYS, AlwAYS, I am either holding his hand, or touching his face, or have my foot on his foot, or touching him in some way. I never let go.

I keep asking the Universe to help me just be. Put trust into the process. JH my love tells me he is working on his openness and honesty. I know he has started and its difficult for him when I react once again to the details. He reacts to that by closing down no doubt. This is the circular motion of this part of our interaction. I try to step out of this. I find it difficult though because it overlaps another process that has taken place. They are not necessarily spirals but overlapping circles of interactive processes.
I get hooked into the detail because previous circumstances and discussions, even though worked through individually have an influence. On those few occassions changes have been discussed and dealt with but the principle hasn't altered throughout. So the detail has been dealt with but the overriding behaviour isn;t adjusted despite the area recently becoming visible being negotiated. And then my questioing and insecurity is triggered so I am alert to every little detail being said. I really don't like how this reactionary alertness is alive in me. I keep asking the Universe to help me keep away from this. But my insecurities are heightened and so I react.
The feeling of hurt is so not nice. I am so scared I will lose JH, my love. And yet to just let go and be and trust that whatever happens is OK - it is OK just loss of someone I love so much would be a lot of healing to have to manage. Reminds me of the lyrics - A real emotional girl - Randy Newman.
She's a real emotional girl


She wears her heart on her sleeve

Every little thing you tell her

She'll believe

She really will

She even cries in her sleep

I've heard her

Many times before

I never had a girl who loved me

Half as much as this girl loves me

She's real emotional



For 18 years she lived at home

She was Daddy's little girl

And Daddy helped her move out on her own

She met a boy

He broke her heart

And now she lives alone

And she's very, very careful

Yes, she is



She's a real emotional girl

Lives down deep inside herself

She turns on easy

It's like a hurricane

You would not believe it

You gotta hold on tight to her

She's a real emotional girl



I believe and then it becomes apparent it's not so true after all. JH my love tells me that he loves me, that he has never taken his love away and given it to someone else. I know this and that's beautiful. I have my very own love from him.
I don;t know if I am able to express that this is precious to me and I really feel the same. I have love for my friends and have loved in the past but it does not deflect at all and in any way from my love with JH. Nothing comes in the way of that.
What is the difficutly and I am hurt by is that even though he loves me he has been unable to be open and honest. Trust develops. I put trust in things and learn from there. Trustworthy behaviour develops trust. So when I am told one thing and believe in it, it is a real painful realisation when I disover that that is not the truth. Tis does not seem loving - love involves respect, dignity, putting trust in the process too, and the rest.
By keeping things hidden or not tellin g the truth it is a form of keeping control and not at all trusting the process.
It may be that I tell something to someone and they don;t like enough to break contact with me. Well to not tell them is taking away that right of choice. Oh boy have I done that in abundance. But I would rather at least be honest and them make that choice but still at least respect me for my honesty. What ever their thoughts on what I have told them.
THIS IS ME _ I HAVE NOTHING ELSE> I LIKE ME ENOUGH TO BE OPEN ABOUT ME> I GIVE MYSELF THE DIGNITY OF REVEALING ME TO EVERYONE
If you don;t like me - well that's your choice and it make rock my confidence for a while but I still like me.
And one thing is for sure I have to stay with me for a very long time so if I don;t like me I need to look at what I am doing that is unlikeable and I can change that. If someone else doesn;t like it I can take a look at it see if they have a point or not and adjust accordingly
It helps when others tell me thigns as I mioght not have noticed and been disliing myself without knowing why. Conscience is amazing - it tells me what is going on I just have to listen and work out what it is that conscience is telling me.
Of course I don;t take critique so well all the time.
So I can understand if JH my love feels discomfort at me pointing out something I don;t like.
God I felt awful at having been unboundaried on a persons blog. It was so helpful to be told how that looked and I could make adjustments not just for that occassion but to practice adjusting my choices all together.
I have learnt a lesson beyond the one instance
 
Oh I have to go.
 
Son;t open your mouth when sleeping. You never know what might drop in and be tortured in those vibrating larynx.
 
Bliss
XX