Thank goodness for lieu time. Yesterday was a whole day off and unwinding was taking place. The wearing down that goes on in the place of work at this time is literally draining of energy. It's horrible. A shouting match between LK and AW, chaos and mismanagement. It's exhausting. And inconsistency is wearing too. I never really know what the procedures are and I just think OH OK that's the track she's taking with this particular issue. So I start to follow that track and suddenly it's as if she's tricked me into thinking that's the route to follow and she now literally does a complete turnaround. As a consequence I look incompetent and she comes out all smelling of roses. It's crazy making.
So to get out of the office is just heaven. Thank you God for that extra day.
BUT my heart wasn't in to finding a job, as in any old job. I've got this feeling of working for someone that provides a sense of free flowing. Someone who respects me although expects a good job to be done. Someone who is tolerant of my way including my imperfections, but that sort of thing can all be out in the open. Being out in the open seems appealing too but not all the time, the freedom to have both. And the freedom to take a bit of personal time in the knowledge that all the work will be done and free time not taken advantage of. I liked the idea of my clients work. A farm, someone to be the face of the business, so developing and maintaining contacts, without me having to be the main name. Some office work, some outside, some travelling about, some quiet, some people involved. And there;s a house along with the job. No travelling to work, it's right there on the spot. And reasonable reimbursement for costs, respectful salary and perks like free time. Yes it all sounds on the surface of it just what I'd like. It's this sense of freedom, trust to be free roaming. Time to work and time for me.
Anyway as I looked at websites I realised that nothing there seemed to offer this. Furthermore, saying to a recruitment agent that I want something that feels light and free, well I'm sure they are completely baffled by that.
So I did get to the housing support people. She was very gentle and listened to me. She gave me a form to fill in that may mean my points are raised with a view to getting accommodation closer to the B's. Is that what I want? I think it's what I want. I like this little village but I don't like being so far away from everyone. Everyone who or far away from what I don't really know. It just has never actually felt right here.
Something I had a glimpse of actually feeling rather than intellectualising is the knowledge that I am not trapped at work or home. I'm simply waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I didn't know I was waiting regarding work over the last 3 years. I was enjoying what I had even though I had moans and groans. Things can always be improved even when they're good. But now the situation is awful for me, I'm waiting for something else to manifest. I did do some things productively, like starting the resume for the Natural Health Centre, Kingston. And the meeting with the housing lady. I booked a hair cut for today, I spoke with my tutor, I relaxed, I bought some supplements that might help the pains in my side - i.e. colon cleansing, magnesium and lecithin which allegedly can help breakdown the gall stones. I forgot to take the colon cleansing tablets at bedtime. But just the first dose of magnesium and lecithin and I did feel things moving about as I sat listening during the AA meeting last evening. And what a lovely, interesting share. C is one of those people that I sense an avoidance of people. An anger I detect. And yet she is someone I'd like to get to like me. There's that addict/avoidant dynamic I think. It became clearer only when she said that she finds being with people difficult. And I could sense a detached approach. It's not dissimilar to that of a friend of mine. Oddly enough AM who says she's avoidant seems so much more an addict who is controlling that through detachment. There seems to be a difference slightly. There are similarities but different. There are similarities between addict and avoidant too - the end result is a lack of intimacy.
Anyway I did listen with interest and wanted to know more. She told things in such a way that there was enough detail to be really personal. I am far too general to keep people out!
To something quite amazing this morning. I received a call from an FA lady who ha recently become aware of her own abuse from the past. I feel very sad that this has happened to her. It is simply awful that this has happened. And I can relate to that awfulness. The amazing thing is tough that she spoke with me. Me who has been insensitive to people and on a trail of self and hedonism. She spoke to me and was quite open to the extent of her own awareness at this point. But even more amazing is the fact that just recently I have heard myself self slipping into self doubt. And yet I spoke about things, very matter of factly in away for self protection, and also said things I've never actually said before, repeating words that were said at the time. Yuch! But also not re-traumatising, simply the way it was. I was steady in what I was saying and it all made it solid again. I spoke about the time in my therapy session when I first verbalised the need to stay absolutely still and not even breathe as even that movement felt unsafe. I can't remember what had been spoken about, that's almost immaterial. Because I expressed to SC that I wanted to stay absolutely still and quiet. I only felt safe if I did that, as if the slightest movement of sound was risky for me. He asked me when I've felt that before. I didn't think I had. Until at home I was pondering his question. I recall absolutely sitting at my desk looking out over the hill and suddenly I went into breathing spasms as I remember needed to lie absolutely still in bed with my dad. He would be cuddling me from behind and I would lie really, really still because he was rubbing himself against me. I knew something was wrong but at that time about 7 or 8 I didn't know what. Mum was downstairs making tea. I don't know if it happened once or more times but lying absolutely still was essential. And I used to do that in y own bed too. The crack in the open door was a problem for me but I couldn't get out of bed because if I moved or put my foot on the floor to close the door something terrible would happen. And also the door being closed meant that I couldn't hear my mum and she couldn't hear me. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing this. There are times when I think "well all kids have scary feelings in their bedroom". I hear kids talk about being scared of what's under the bed and it's probably something to do with the kids stories that are told and re-told. Bogeymen and the such like, which actually are frighteners that can be long lasting and devastating. Such weird ways we adults have of trying to keep order about the place.
I talked about the time my mum was in Australia and my dad touched my body. I was about 13 years old and just starting to develop breasts. He took advantage when I said that his tickles made a reaction in my bottom. I used to think I was disgusting because of this. That I was the filth. IN fact he was and should never ever have been doing what he was doing. I was told not to tell mum. He knew it was wrong.
Yes I spoke about and have now written too about these things for the first time, in the way that they happened. The memory as if watching from above. I was out of body watching my dad fiddling with me. I hate that word fiddling because my dad would use it. And then there's the tongue thing. I cannot really describe this thing he did with his tongue and his snorting. It was disgusting and then Graham Whelan did that too. I write his name in full so that if ever there is anyone trying to search for him because of him doing awful things to them there might be a tie up. I hope he cannot trace me through this though. That would be very terrifying.
And as I was speaking with this lady I knew that I feel fragile, that I will need to be gentle with myself. I explained the need to wrap up in my bigly hugly snuggle jumper and blanket. And writing has helped. So now I can go forth for a walk with LL knowing that I am OK but to be gentle.
What a gift this phone call. How amazing FA is. I thank B for supporting me in things that wouldn't normally be doing, such as developing the relationship between myself and my dad. He's becoming simply my dad. That's the way he is. I don't like a lot about him. But he's still my dad and that's that forever.
I knew there was something I wanted to also write about in connection with FA. It was always my intention to find the courage to detach from my dad all together. But various tings kept me from doing this. These are not in any particular order of importance or salience. He is my dad and there is a lot of me that loves some of him. I want that family connection with him. I have been afraid that I've lied about the abuse even though I know that I haven't been lying. He's not all bad. I want to have access to an inheritance. I am afraid of making a mistake.
So all along it's been the wrong thing to do and thankfully my fear has stopped me from disconnecting entirely. However, my fury has actually increased the divide and for that I feel remorse. I didn;t know any other way though and thankfully with therapy to help me with that rage and resentment I've been able to then go along a diffrent path with the suggestions from B. Her suggestion to increase contact and make regular calls infuriated me. At first I wanted to scream and spit at her, saying are you not acknowledging what he did to me. I didn't say that exactly. The belief of the truth has been so tentative, there are times when I can only believe it if I seem to have convinced others of the horrors. It's not possible for me to realise that it was bad enough without others have to be the truth. That applies to many things. The situation at work, I didn't realise that it was a form of bullying and crazy-making behaviour. I thought I was in te wrong and it's only become OK to think it's wrong for me knowing that others feel the same way. It's similar with Graham Whelan. it was only when I told of the events and saw others reactions that I realised that it was bad behaviour on his part not and I wasn't the bad person. And the same with my dad. Sometimes I thought I had to embellish the events so that they were bad enough for people to react. But then I didn't believe them or me and it simply added to the disbelief within me about what I had experienced. So convoluted and complex.
Anyhow, this morning, being honest, not exaggerating and being more explicit, helped me. And the person saying that it's always surprising that FA seems to go in completely the opposite direction of what Iw ould have thought needed to happen, this made me realise that I've done the opposite of what I was intending to do and it's so much better for me. Incroyable!
And on another FA note - I am now having grains or potatoes with my lunch - 4 ounces. The first couple of days I felt like I had too much food. It was difficult to trudge through it. I didn't have the same problem yesterday I noticed. So my body is adjusting really quickly. I am scared that by having this extra food, I'll start increasing weight and size. However as has been developing, I am trusting the process. I felt that my tummy rounded out the first couple of days. Coupled with an difficulty to properly open my bowels, which apparently is the polite and professional way in which to talk about going for a poo. :), I felt bloated, full up and rounded. It was a worry. I mentioned it to B with the knowledge that I am sticking with it regardless. She said I can have potatoes instead of rice but I am scared of that too. Today I will have my first baked potato. Just 4 ounces so it won't be a whole potato. I'm looking forward to it and imagining the taste. I am concerned that this might be a "relationship" with a food type, so I'm going to linit the potatoes to once a week, just at the weekends when home. Then I can have them warm instead of cold - cold new Jersey pots are delicious but today I feel loike warm food. It is probably something to do with the everlasting dampness. Although yesterday afternoon brightened, no rain and some blue skies with fluffy white clouds. So my meals look like this now: Oh I reached my target weight - I discovered this on Tuesday when I had weighed myself early by accident. I'm now under 9 stone, around 8st 9lbs.
Breakfast
1 oz oats
8 oz natural fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit
Lunch
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
6 oz salad
4 oz rice/potato (want to know if I can eat quinoa)
1 tbsp dressing
Dinner
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
8 oz salad
2 tbsp dressing
I have established that it's a suggestion not to eat avocado or sweet potatoe. I can eat tinned tuna in brine but bloody hell it's so so expensive now. That used to be a cheap meal. Not now!
As for wating an Indian style meal B suggests not to. I think it might be different if I have a meal at home. But there is the difficulty of ensuring it's not cooked with any flour or sugar. I can understand that I'm looking to introduce more tastes and variety and it's a part of the simplicity has been the dumbing down of the tastes and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Simplifying the tastes t be natural tastes, not even salt although pepper is allowed. I might try adding some pepper as I haven't actually bothered. But then I rarely bothered with salt and pepper before this. I would cook with herbs and spices but not add for taste at the actually eating point.
It's interesting that I've been thinking of adding things into my menu's when actually it's about coninuing with the simplicity, well that's not all of it but contributes to keeping things stabilised.
Off to walk. Then back to studying. Haircut at 12 midday. Hopefully I've got a higher pay through the extra work I've been doing. I so need it. I spent about £100 just yesterday on some sprays and things to kill the clothes moths which continue to infest, some health supplements, birthday cards and and a blouse plus 2 charity shop articles - a skirt and a shirt. Yes it would be maybe even over £100. Flipping heck, my money does not go anywhere these days. Everything is so expensive. It won't come down in price and my salary won't be catching up ever if I'm with the P Group. It's unreasonable salary now. That's what they pay but I think I'm grossly underpaid. Not to mention their lack of staff welfare and deelopment. It's not a good company to work for in terms of self. It's a nice environment i.e. the grounds. But adding to the lack of company-level care is the horrid Team Leader situation, plus a lack of constructive management and ability. I wonder if PS will be any better equipped at hearing me without judging and damning and be able to manage the situation effectively. NL and LK are in cahoots and noone will be seeing that. He needed an ally so desperately, so has she and they were a prefectly matched jagged edge. It's amazing how jagged edges come together and seem to fit so perfectly until things shift and then the points start to clash and destroy each other. It's just staying out of the cross-fire of that although it seems that all the carnage is occurring right now as they are so tightly enmeshed. It would be different if the jagged edges are clashing.
Knifes' Edge by Kasia Polkowska (Stained glass mosaic on wood)
http://kiplandscapes.blogspot.co.uk/
As always I'd like to possess this piece of work because it's meaningful for me right at this moment. I often have that- a piece of work seems to get right inside me and I want it. I've seen so many art works that I want to steal and possess. So many that I've forgotten adn that's a part of it. When something has struck me so deeply and then to forget it is like losing a bit of me that I just found. It's so awful for that to come with such passion and then fade into forgetfulness. If I could just keep the art then I'll never forget you see.
In the meantime God if you've got any thoughts on this free flowing job that could be out there, I'd be interested to know what it is. Work that helps my heart to sing and my spirit to be free please. I trust it's possible and will become apparent. In the meantime I'll keep showing up knowing that actually my spirit is free and no person can take that from me however difficult they make things.
LL wants a walk - she keeps tipping over my laptop.
Gotta go.
Bliss
XX
ps I will edit this later with some of what I can remember from the AA story. Just so that there's more personality than fact.
C's story - when really I should be studying but I'm leaving in about 20 minutes to get my haircut. Yipppppeeeee!
I can't remember the order of her story. I know told about her past and drinking as a secondary it really. I felt angry with her husband as she talked about him. A womaniser but then he left her because of her drinking. It struck me how this man was so lacking in being enough for her. Yes her drinking was probably terrible and by the sounds of it she wasn't available to either him nor their son, as her son left the family home not long after her husband. But he worked with the airlines and womanised. His own behaviour was also not above board and he took the cowards way out. Not standing by her but following his own needs. I am in now way letting her off the hook. I'm sure her fury at her husband was a vitiolic when she had been drinking as she said it was. And then her craziness when his womanising was with a woman in their village. A place she had lived for 3 decades. She upped sticks and moved the family to a remote cottage. But when she described the lifestyle, animals and land. She gave up work and concentrated on looking after the animals b ut it was at this time she met a lady, who she befriended, and it sounded as if this lady showed C how to drink as an alcoholic. Then she became difficult to be with. She completely owned this. So her lack of self esteem and trust would have beceome quite another thing with alcohol fuelling it. No control. Yes I can imagine her expelling her anger and hurt. I think I sense that anger though as something deeper, as there is the tendency to be detached from feelings and people. Of course people bring emotional responses. I lvoed that she talked about feelings and not really knowing what they are all the time. She found a list of over 200 words to describe feelings. Actually this was the first part of her share, when she was saying that she feels a bit out of sorts. I got the impression she's been in recovery a similar time to myself. I wanted to share and forgot to share that there are times when I'm so in the depths of things that I cannot determine the different levels of emotions that are going on. And I'm the sort of person who wants to know exactly otherewise I feel out of control. And that's where I need to hand everything over to the care of God. This wasn't what my share ended up being about.
She talked also about being grouchy with a neighbour just that day or day the before, I'm not sure. And how in her reflection of herself she realised that this was a sign of her restelessness, irritability, discontent. When those feelings are identifiable there's a need to really turn to God and recovery tools - i.e. meetings, calling out, sharing, reading and so on. I cannot afford those feelings. But first of all I have become aware of them. Generally I then spend time agonising about all the things that it could possibly be, trying to get it all worked out. This can mean that it gets worse of course because I decide to do things that are motivated by the feelings. It's so crucial to share and be vulnerable. My thinking then is that people will start telling me what to do and fix me instead of simply hearing me. They may also tell me to do things I don't want to be told to do. There's such a fine line with this sort of support and yet there is this pride and ambivalence in me. I often find myself wondering what is this that has been triggered in me. So far I don't recall anyone sharing back on the topic that has his a chord with me. It's something quite big insie of me - someone says black I immediately want white. It's some kind of defense gainst being taken over. I wonder if this is codependency with my mum. My own desires being overruled all the time. I do feel as if something inside of me wasn't nurtured - creativity and a feeling of freedom. Overruled! I think this is a part of it. It doesn't seem to quite answer the enormity of my reaction. Something to give to consideration in quiet time - which I'm not really sitting in. I keep doing other stuff.
Hmm not much about C and her story. But some main things I can recall. I liked her despite my feeling of wanting to be acknoiwledged and accepted and suddenly befriended by her. She is aloof and that makes me want her more. So remins me of my friend - not in looks etc but in attitude and behaviour. I wonder if she knows of this dynamic from me?
Right off to have a haircut. I never realised that something I used to ahte could be something I am so looking forward to. Not the sitting etc and environment but the act of having my haircut. Lovely
Bx
