The Stool of Unmanageability

A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, what you weigh, what you look like, if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your family is filled with CRAZY people. Your conversations pick up where they left off, even if they have been months apart. They love you for who you are and don't judge you.  They will know who they are!

I will comment on this later ....


I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing? Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is. Sad too that because of me it's the best thing for me yet it's his birthday. Well I'm sure it's of little consequence in the greater scheme of things for him. No doubt he has moved on a long time ago now.

An earthquake in Spain. It seems it's far away from anyone I know.

It’s horrid not having access to Blogger and the fact that they have deleted all posts made before 11May is concerning. Thankfully I save all my posts now. I wanted the record and the ownership to be all mine.

It is incredible the sadness I am still feeling due to the end of what I had believed in as a loving relationship with JH. I was looking at a friend’s photos of a visit to Amsterdam and immediately felt the loss again.

Oh so much better for a long and good sleep

Woke at 650 walking by 710 - lovely

I took photos but I can't download the images yet - no software :)

My friend is going to give me the software on Saturday evening. A bunch of us are meeting up for a bite to eat a gathering and a cuppa green tea for me and copious amounts of alcohol for them. All old school friends. Mind you yesterday I was really thinking that I would like a drink. Every so often that happens. I don;t actually think alcohol was my primary issue. But it did get worse and it caused me consequences I didn't like. So I soon talked myself away from that thought.

It's a funny thing. When I left school and my teenage home town to go to work in London, I didn't keep any friends. I left it all behind with a feeling of good riddance.

I have always done this and even thought it kind of sissy to have friends from childhood and yet been inspired when I have met people who are friends from childhood or for a long standing time.

These days I do have friends that I have now had for many years. But still think I will be thought of as sissy for it. I am trying to work out where this comes from.

I think it's my dad somehow - he is always moving on, never has any friends.

When my mum died and he remarried he cut contact with everyone - my mums family, all their friends.

I have learnt that he has kept in touch with one of his friends from the army (but then he is really proud of having been in the army and his ongoing military connections - so its counter really to what he advocates on the surface).

I think I have picked up on the false pride of not needing anyone and yet truly I feel needy of people. I am learning I don't need anyone but I like to be with people and connect. No one needs anyone but we do need fellowship and friendship and interaction as humans. I allow that for myself these days.

So anyway, this gathering of old school friends occurred after 1 old school friend got in contact with me and we met up in Farnham - she was visiting her mum and I am not too far away now. As a result she suggested we see if anyone else wanted to meet - the next time there were 6 of us and then the next 12 and then 20 odd. I didn't like the bigger gathering to be honest. But anyway there were a few people with whom I really enjoyed their company. I was surprised but I am not sure why? Something to do with this detachment perhaps.

So we have kept in contact and every so often meet up.

I am relieved to not be feeling again the drain that comes from deep within me and affects my mood. I just felt dreadful last night and went to bed to sleep so that I didn’t feel it. This morning is so much better. Energy, mood OK, no desire to eat the planet of all it’s food resources, lighter in myself physically and emotionally. Phew. OK on with some studying then!!

Bliss
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