Please remove my busybodiness

    Actually, Bliss, nobody "needs" to be corrected. They know when they're acting up, or will soon find out.
Poor behaviour within your proximity, however, is always a tip-off that someone else might correct what they're thinking, saying, and doing.

I can be so naughty at this. Rather than sharing my own experience I can use that as a way of telling someone subtly what to do. Or is just outright tell someone. For example M was talking about emailing and emailing and I kept saying well you are going to have to phone. She kept saying emailing, I kept saying phone. I heard myself and stopped and instead asked what are you going to do? Email! Her prerogative and none of my business.
Similarly with T I so want her t be back in recovery and stop her pain, my sharing of my experience is motivated by that need for her and also because I'm feeling uncomfortable saying I am in recovery - I don't want it t sound self-righteous in any way whatsoever.
People with people huh! At least I would like for defective behaviours to be lifted. As I become aware of them and then only in God's time.

So much to write about but I know it'll be purely study evasion.

Byeee
Bliss
XX

p.s where is .RU - a regular reader but not since I've been slacking. Poop! Come back :)

A complex little bundle of humaness

It's like you're a fabulously complicated jigsaw puzzle piece, Bliss, with stunning colours, wildly serrated edges, oceans of emotion, mountains of possibilities, worlds of talent, and complex energies, but for as long as you see yourself as just human, you'll never quite know where you fit in.
The Universe

I really liked this. It's me. I'm many many things. Multi-dimensional. Multi-faceted. And that is to be celebrated. My mum I think it was used to say oooooh Gemini as if I am to be avoided and take heed. And other people do too. Often it is said with a tone of warning "ahhh the many faces of Gemini" or "two-face Gemini, never know where you stand with them".
Well these days I say it's up to "them" to be able to keep up. I have many interests, many likes, much energy and pursue variety and diversity. I celebrate the multiplicity, the array, the medley, the unlikeness etc of me. I am me and there is nothing wrong with that.
Join in the bits you do engage with and stand down when you don't. I wonder if there is anyone out there who wants a mixed bag of assortments in their life too. The thing is I like people to introduce me to the new ideas. I'm not the ideas person. I am not a follower either. I'm an absorber of all that there is in the world. I love it all! (When I'm practising my positivity). I love being fabulously connected.

Bliss
XX

Freud vs Jung

Mapped out the human psyche for the 20th century
Both friends and rival

Their partnership lasted a short time 1907 - 1913 - bitterly divided.

Jung - paid a visit to Freud in Vienna - talking for 13 hours without interruption "tremendously interesting"
They had been corresponding since 1906. Jung sent a diagnostic assopciation studies - psychoanalysis and association experiments - argue the strength of Freuds views of discipline.
Nearing 50 Freud was established and head of psychoanalytic movement - studies on histeria, interpretation of dreams and psychopathology.
Jung - 30 - Pioneering hospital just outside Zurich - Burgholzli clinic.




Deidre Bear - Jung's biographer.
Father a country parson in Swiss reformed church - limited environment. Coupled with religiong emphasis on spiritism - communicating with the dead. His family known for this - seances.
After educated at Uni of Basle - went to work at Burgholzli - very poor.
Pretended he was utterly engrossed so couldn't go out for the simple reason he had no money nor clothing to go out socialising with the other young men.
Jung worked under the hospital director Eugen Bleuler - lived and worked with the students.
Jung lived with Emma his wife within the clinic.
Jung was interested in the scientifics of humans. He wanted to know what was going on with schizophrencs. These people were not available with private patients. People with this diagnosis were out of the general society.
These hospitals were whole citied or towns - ha everything needed for a whole life. The doctors were like masters of their Universe.
1904 - troubled young Russian woman. Relationship that went far beyond what would be ethically tolerated today.
Puberty started at 13 - fantasises developed of a perverse nature that pursued her obsessively.
She could not sit at a table without thinking about these fantasies. There was some link with her father according to Jung.
Her family brought her to Zurich. She had a history of being analysed. Blueler passed her onto Jung.
Her father beat her when she was a young child. She spoke of feelings of orgasm and induced masturbation. Highly charged sexualised child.
Her mother made certain that any school she went to there was never any teachings about sex. Sabrina was ill-educated sexually which may have led to confusions. Tabelra rasa - she knew nothing
She could not feel her fathers hands without feeling sexual excitement.
She would convulsively laugh or gestures of horror if she was reproached for any reason which would become blatant mastrubation.
She would eat with the doctor and spend time with him. She would act out but was told she needed to behave if she wanted to spend time with Jung.
He spent time sailing on the lake and spending time talking. Her euphermism for sex was poetry . There was no evidence that there were lovers but poems suggest that there might have been something between them.

(Oh I see there is a film to be released in January called a Dangerous Method based on this relationship between Jung and Sabrina Spielrein)

This article was in the Telegraph - Aug2011. It's so interesting finding out all these little sub plots behind the greater stories we hear about generally.

Jung Love: Sabina Spielrein, a forgotten pioneer of psychoanalysis

A new film starring Keira Knightley documents the torrid and ultimately tragic life of Sabina Spielrein, patient, pupil, rumoured lover of Carl Jung, and one of the forgotten pioneers of psychoanalysis.

Sabina Spielrein, a pioneer of psychoanalysis Photo: MIA OVERGAARD

By Nisha Lilia Diu

7:00AM BST 28 Aug 2011

Think of the last time you described someone as having a 'complex’. Or as an 'introvert’. Or as having 'subconsciously’ let something slip. This time last century these words – these concepts – were entirely new.

They’ve become common parlance only thanks to Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, champions of what was then the mysterious and fashionable new science of psychoanalysis.

Their game-changing theories and turbulent friendship is the stuff of great drama. But David Cronenberg’s film A Dangerous Method, which premieres at the Venice Film Festival next week, encompasses a third figure: a young woman whom Jung first analysed then became passionately involved with, whom the two men wrote to and about for years, and who inspired some of their most important ideas.

Sabina Spielrein (played by Keira Knightley) was dropped off at the Burghölzli Psychiatric Clinic in Zurich by her uncle and a medical police officer at 10.30pm on 17 August 1904.

The wealthy Jewish-Russian 18-year-old was in Switzerland for a restorative sojourn that had failed to ease her troubled state of mind. She made a terrible scene – presumably not the first – at the luxury hotel where she was staying and her relatives gave up.

Her hospital records note that the 'patient laughs and cries in a strangely mixed, compulsive manner. Masses of tics; she rotates her head jerkily, sticks out her tongue, twitches her legs… Cannot stand people or noise.’ The notes are written by a newly qualified Dr Jung. He diagnosed her 'hysteric’.

Ambitious and eager to join the race to uncover the mysteries of the mind, Jung decided to try out a new technique on her, one he’d read about in a book by a Viennese neurologist called Sigmund Freud. This was psychoanalysis, later dubbed the 'talking cure’ – the dangerous method of the film’s title.
Jung was particularly keen on the 'word-association experiment’: a series of random words were fired at the patient, who had to respond with the first thing that came to mind. Jung noticed that mentions of the girl’s father provoked 'grimaces and gestures of abhorrence’.
Gradually, an extraordinary family portrait emerged. Spielrein’s mother, Jung discovered, 'has the odd habit of buying everything she sees’. She then 'has to borrow from relatives’ and 'there is constant anxiety that the father might find out about this’.
According to John Kerr, the author of A Most Dangerous Method, on which Cronenberg’s film is based, she also 'competed with her adolescent daughter for the attentions of various men’. Spielrein’s father, meanwhile 'insults and tyrannises’ the family, frequently going 'wild and threatening suicide’. Spielrein is 'always afraid that he will kill himself’.
Moreover, he frequently beat Sabina 'on her bare buttocks’ in a 'special room’ away from the family. Sabina, the eldest of five terrorised children (the youngest died of typhoid aged six), eventually confessed to Jung that she felt sexual excitement when her father beat her.
Kerr reveals that Spielrein’s mother had raised Sabina 'in complete sexual ignorance’, which may explain her confused reaction to these oddly intimate episodes with her father. Either way, she came to conflate suffering – both physical and emotional – with love.
Jung achieved amazing success with Spielrein. Within the year this exceptionally bright girl was living independently in Zurich and studying medicine at the university. Jung later claimed (in a letter to Freud, with whom he’d started corresponding during Spielrein’s treatment) that he maintained contact with her only because he 'feared a relapse’. Whatever the truth, five years of increasingly intense relations followed.
'I love you too much,’ she wrote to him in 1906. A year later Jung rather lewdly told Freud, 'she admits that her greatest wish is to have a child by me. For that purpose I would naturally have to “let the bird out” first.’
It’s clear from Jung’s letters that they were meeting every few days, in her flat 'so you are less inhibited’ or taking boat rides 'so we can be alone’. In 1908, when she went to Russia for the summer, Jung wrote, 'I realise how much more attached I am to you than I ever thought.’
By spring people were whispering about an affair. Spielrein’s mother received an anonymous letter (probably from Jung’s wife), which prompted her to write to Jung asking him not to 'ruin’ the girl he had saved.
His reply is startlingly callous: 'You do understand that a man and a girl cannot possibly continue indefinitely to have friendly dealings with one another without the likelihood that something more may enter the relationship.’
Until then, Jung and Spielrein’s meetings had been social. If she wanted him to remain strictly professional, he suggested, she should resume paying him : 'My fee is 10 francs per consultation.’
The rumour was widespread enough to reach Freud in Vienna. Jung, terrified for his reputation, wrote to him that 'a woman patient’ had 'kicked up a vile scandal’. He went on to say that he offered her friendship only to realise 'she was of course systematically planning my seduction’.
He admitted, however that, 'during the whole business Gross’s notions [he was referring to Otto Gross, an analyst, morphine addict and enthusiastic advocate of free love] flitted about a bit too much in my head.’
Spielrein was furious to be cast in the role of temptress and wrote to Freud to defend herself. He apologised for jumping to conclusions, commenting to Jung that she was 'very bright. There is meaning in everything she says.’ Freud continued to correspond with her for years, even after he and Jung had ceased all contact.
Despite this upset, Spielrein and Jung were back in touch within months – 'We both loved each other fervently again,’ she says in her diary – and remained so for most of the next decade.
It’s amazing to think that until 1977, when the first cache of Spielrein’s papers was discovered in the former Psychological Institute in Geneva (these letters formed the basis of an acclaimed 2003 documentary, My Name Was Sabina Spielrein), Spielrein existed only as four footnotes in the works of Sigmund Freud.
Jung was married with two children, and it is clear that his relationship with Spielrein was inappropriately intimate (whether it was sexual or not is the subject of debate). He was also Freud’s declared 'son and heir’; as the father of psychoanalysis, Freud certainly didn’t want to bring his baby into disrepute. But there was more to it than that.
Jung and Spielrein’s letters discussed theory at length. Just as Jung and Freud became increasingly distrustful of each other and possessive of their ideas, so too did Jung and Spielrein.
When he read her university dissertation on schizophrenia Jung told her, 'I am surprised by the abundance of excellent thoughts, which anticipate various ideas of my own. But it is good that others see things the same way as I do.’
He hung on to her next paper, 'Destruction as a Cause of Coming into Being’ (written immediately after she graduated with top honours), for six months before commenting, 'As I read your paper I find uncanny parallels with my own new work.’ Somewhat improbably he explained, 'I had read your title incorrectly: “distinction” instead of “destruction”.’
Spielrein clearly exploded, for his next letter exclaims, 'You are upsetting yourself unnecessarily again!’ His reassurance that, 'your study is extraordinarily intelligent and contains splendid ideas whose priority I am happy to acknowledge as yours,’ is undercut by his assertion that, 'I express myself so differently from you in my work that no one could imagine you had borrowed from me.’
Jung – and Freud, too – were dismissive of her work even as they appropriated it. Eight years after reading Spielrein’s 'Destruction’ paper, Freud published Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Spielrein’s 'destructive drive’ – which Freud had told Jung 'was not much to my liking’ – forms the basis for his 'death instinct’. (He duly credited her in a footnote.)
Ten years later he remembered his 'defensive attitude when the idea of an instinct of destruction first emerged’, and wondered at 'how long it took before I became receptive to it’.
According to Coline Covington, who found more of Spielrein’s papers in 1995 and eventually published them in her book Sabina Spielrein: Forgotten Pioneer of Psychoanalysis in 2003, they couldn’t get past the fact that she was a former patient and a woman; they call her 'the little girl’ and 'the little authoress’ in their letters to each other.
But it was also because, as the two men’s relationship soured, each came to resent the other’s influence on Spielrein; they belittled her work as a means of disparaging each other.
When she presented her paper at the Vienna Psychoanalytic Society in 1912 – a bold move in view of the city’s rivalry with Jungian Zurich – Freud’s disciples were cool towards her, opining that 'the presentation provides the opportunity for a critique of Jung’.
Freud became sarcastic about her attachment to 'her Germanic hero’, while Jung smarted at her 'Freudian’ notions. She was at once the colleague of both men and neither.
That same year Spielrein suddenly married a Russian doctor, Paul Sheftel, and in 1913 they had a daughter. It seems it was a desperate attempt to forget Jung.
As Covington notes, Jung’s bouts of coldness and passionate despair contained more than an echo of her father’s temperament. Whether the parallels went as far as the film claims – Knightley and Fassbender (as Jung) plunge into a sado-masochistic affair – we simply can’t know.
For years Spielrein moved endlessly, seemingly incapable of settling anywhere or with anyone. She was lauded everywhere she went ( training analysts at the Jean-Jacques Rousseau Institute in Geneva, becoming the director of child psychology at the First Moscow University), but she always moved on before she became established.
Meanwhile, says Kerr, 'Jung was busy making her immortal.’ In the years following the First World War, Jung developed a means of categorising the mind. The 'persona’ was the outward personality. The 'anima’ was the soul.
He invested the anima with all sorts of qualities, some exhilarating and some dangerous which, Jung wrote, he’d recognised in 'a woman… a patient, a talented psychopath who had become a living figure in my mind’. Jung’s anima is Sabina Spielrein.
In 1924 she returned to her home town, Rostov-on-Don, where she reunited with her husband and gave birth to a second daughter. Biographical detail from then on is sketchy. What we do know is that on 27 July 1942 Hitler’s troops occupied Rostov-on-Don, herded Spielrein and her daughters through the streets and shot them.

A Dangerous Method goes on general release in February

So she became fixated on Jung as we have already read - she wanted his child. He let her become a student.
(Back to the programme) - Jung used word association to lead to the complexes underneath -
She went to medical school - he would meet with her and have conversations. No direct evidence that they were lovers. Her euphemism for sex was poetry and in her writings she mentions poetry in association with Jung. So it's possible they were lovers.
Sabrina brought Jung and Freud together.
First patient using Freudian methods of free talk - tics and offensive gestures were dissolved, Dreams were analysed and linked with masochist experiences as a child at the hands of her father.
Gradually she was cured.
Jung writes about Sabina to Freud.
Freud - was pleased Sabina was a student and therefore educated aiding research. He wrote
Stories suggest numerous analogies - even infants derive pleasure from their attention of feaces.
Anal auto eroticism - often typical characteristics or traits - often neat, stingy - sublimations of anal eroticism.
Freud guesses Jungs predicament and refers to the pscyhoanalytic cure through love - he urges Jung to dominate his counter-transference.
Ah ha mention of the film A Dangerous Method. The film is from the stage play by Christopher Hamption The Talking Cure. I hope some day I might be able to see that somewhere.
He ventriloquises Freud and his crown prince Jung.
Christopher Hampton says - the relationship as a very emotional relationship. Fredu the father figure.
The talking cure effected a miraculous cure for Sabina so Freud was very impressed with Jung.
He was embattled in Vienna at the time - his ideas being contested. But also Jews were subject to anti-semitism movements.
Freud was prone to enthusiasm by others as a result of this and when his works and ideas were being supporting.
He was conscious not to get involved in the arguement between the two of them. He wanted to stay true to the historical circumstances and not take a position. His lean was towards Freudian interpretation though as was Sabina's.

Freud and Jung travel to America in August 1909 - Freud delivers his lectures at Clark Uni
Things between them not OK
Jung recounts a dream and Freud interprets that Jung wants him dead. Wants to kill off the father.
Freud isn't ready to die. He pretends to faint a second time.
Over the years disagreements escalated between them
- the incest taboo, over sex and over religion.
 Freud knew Jung was religious - where there is a religious transference apostasy will follow (a total desertion of or departure from one's religion, principles, party, cause, etc. )
Jung was jealous of his rivals' to Freuds attention
Freud jealous of conceptual unity and his own authority in the field.
Jungs heated outburst of Dec1912
He critiscised his finite analysis of father son relationships - treating his followers like patients.
Freud called for the ending of their relationship as a result of the outburst and malinguering disappointments. He accused him of having difficulties of having a relaitonship with a man.

6Jan1913 - Jung agreed to the split.

1938 Freud cam to London - seriously ill.

Holly's story

I am now 60 days abstinent and into my 61st day. With good grace I will get to bed this evening without having had to take a mouthful of food outside of my meal plan. This is a miracle because it's not anorexic starvation, not purging with bulimia and not overeating. I am free for this moment from any obsession or compulsion which truly has been with me for my lifetime.

Thank you God.

Even my thinking is changing I notice. In the past I would have some semblance of abstinence but holding on for the day when I would next eat flour and sugar. I am committed one day at a time not to eat flour and sugar or out of me food plan. I do not need flour or sugar to exist on this planet. I need spiritual connection and wholesomeness. I get sustenance through my very fresh,simple foods and enjoy the cleanliness I feel within my body. People have made comments about my skin and hair, changes that I hadn't noticed.

A young lady last evening said that she sees me as calm and attentive. Wow! I smiled and said that I do feel calm and yet there is also the humanness of me paddling away inside. But actually on reflection I am so much calmer this last few days even with life things going on around me.

I was listening to her telling me through her sobs and tears about her situation. I felt ever so sad as I listened to her loneliness and emptiness. As if her soul has been snatched from her right now. Something has been taken from her and there will be a scar as this heals, but it will heal I feel sure, especially if she continues to apply herself to her recovery the way she appears to be right now. I wanted to wrap her in a hug and reassure her that so much is changing already and that she is safe. I sat for a while and shared a little about me then walked her to her door as she feels so terrified.

I prayed on the way home to help me with the sadness I felt. And God did help me to talk about this when speaking with B this morning. I hesitated when sitting in my quiet time. Thinking I don't want to appear as if I am more down than up and thinking this would be reflecting badly on my own recovery. Same old thinking, hide my vulnerability, appear like the good girl doing everything right even though I was feeling so, so sad.

Oh my gosh, B opened up my thoughts. She talked about despondency as a defect of character. I get a little edgy using that term as it sounds so harsh. However, I also have my understanding of what she was saying. I can teeter on a thin edge between sadness and despondency, to use her word. The dictionary definition I have is .....

de·spond·ent

   /dɪˈspɒndənt/ Show Spelled[dih-spon-duhnt]

adjective

feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom: despondent about failing health.

 

This describes the feeling much better than the general term of depression - which is a noun to describe a psychiatric condition.

de·pres·sion

   /dɪˈprɛʃən/ Show Spelled[dih-presh-uhn]

noun

1. the act of depressing

2. the state of being depressed.

3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

4. sadness; gloom; dejection.

5. Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.

Using the word depression is so generalised but by breaking it down and noticing the despondency makes it so much easier to manage. I have asked God to help remove this defect of character. And actually what it helps me to do is notice the sadness more clearly and by so doing I can get some healing from this by talking to others who can listen. I often work with clients breaking down the despair of overwhelming emotions. And with the help of B this morning I started to hear and see how I easily started to teeter on the edge of sadness and the remora of despondency. And then my thinking quickly changes to welcome in death. I also distort the benefits of gratitude and talking with others. I told myself this very morning that to focus on things I am grateful for or to enjoy speaking with people is just mind altering rather than real. Gosh if despondency can be real as a result of circumstances then why can't gratitude and happiness through connecting? So as the despondency was setting in, my focus was on missing my mum, the horrible relationship with my dad, the abortions, the loneliness. Bleaker and bleaker the outlook became.

But recognising despondency as a defect of character and asking God's help to remove this I am already feeling different. I decided to write my findings in a text to a friend I knew could hear it and witness it. I chose not to include another extremely good friend as experience has shown me that somehow the witnessing doesn't happen. That's OK, I don;t say that with any blame. I love that friend dearly but just need to be heard. I would also like to learn to hear her as I know I go into some kind of competition with her. Please God if it's Your will.

So with despondency I started to truly be able to appreciate the generous AA person who can help me replace the glass I broke earlier this week. I reminded myself of the wonderful gifts of a bike from E and the microwave oven from my dad. And I will call him today, now actually - please hold on a moment ......... well it was an answer machine, so I left an uplifted sounding message.

I have a house full of lovely things given by people. I found a fiver under my car seat yesterday too. I was very happy about that. So stopping to consider what abundance there is and how it shows up in the most unexpected shapes and forms if really uplifting and I can feel happy as well as grateful. Not mind altering just acknowledging that other feelings co-exist and I don't have to teeter over the edge.

And this I have known well intellectually, even advocating the concept regularly to others. I wanted to record this experiential moment as a reminder rather than an intellectual exercise.

I hope I can continue to practise and therefore share the idea of breaking down the overwhelming when there is array of emotions and create some calm through the chaos.

With 60 days abstinence I think some tings are changing. Layers of the onion skins are peeling back perhaps. What a journey. It's nothing rocket science or new, just greater clarity. There is a serenity in that rather than the torrid excitement I can feel with discovery. Just something to behold and treasure quietly. Thank you God.

But also with a refreshing feel to it, as if a light fresh wind has brushed by my face, lightly waking me up.

Readers whoever you might be, thank you for witnessing this with me. A little progress and gentle wisdom perhaps shared from one to me and then experienced.

My sadness? Well I hear sad stories everyday in my work and witness sadness often despair. Usually anger. I think this all helps me to see the sadness within me and is a real healing process.

I am sad about the choices I have made based on insecurities. And these insecurities are an amalgam of my biological make-up for instance being a sensitive little soul but being in a family where that wasn't easily interpreted and parents with their own issues and probable insecurities causing me to be misread and mis-used me. As a result my choices have been somewhat misguided from the offset. And then in adulthood I can see the escalation of the addiction within me - another biological make-up. Anyhow the journey is becoming self-explained the outcome is that I miss my mum and for the ways I would love to have been different when she was alive. This is not regret. My journey has been my journey. Regret can contribute to despondency. No. no, this is sadness for the entire situation as already described. Nothing happens on it's own, it is an integration of me, them, others and everything around me. Sadness about abortions. Gosh how sad I am about this. Sadness about the chasm between my dad and myself. Sadness about abusive situations. sadness about getting into relationships on the back of insecurity and not knowing how to handle getting out without hurting others and myself. Sadness about letting myself be hurt. Sadness about being afraid.

Yes all these things and I ask you God for the help to heal, Your will be done.

I KNOW my parents loved me!

Once again thank you readers for reading.

Bliss

X



State of flux

Another wonderful day - just a way of living. She says with a beaming smile. A little trepidation flutters in then as I remember who low and bleak things can become. But rather than allow the good time to pass based on a projection, I choose today to enjoy the good feeling. Thank you Higher Power.
Funny it is - how I do not want to use the word God for fear of being thought of as religious. I use the word God as a three letter word that can very simply encompass the complexity of what my Higer Power is. I use capital letters because ....? I don't know. Is it to signify the utter importance of God in my life today or because it's a fear based conform. I'm not sure. Superstition I think rather than importance. I will stop bothering as a capital letter is of absolute no consequence comapred to the epth of meaning and trust I have for today.
Thank you god for the trust I have in you today.

I set off with the sun rising ...... I stopped en route because of the colours in the sky.

I was disappointed the other day to have missed the meteorite shower - supposed to have been happening at 7 am. I pulled over and nothing other than the twinkling flasshes of planes flying straight to an airport somewhere. However I am so grateful to have the light shows on a regular basis morning and evening. And because I'm in the countryside I can really see them if you know what I mean.

I was also grateful to Vodafone this morning. Second time in a month so this is very encouraging about service standards ..... the signal is intermittent. More off than on. I wondered if the recent high winds have damaged the most local mast or something. Anyway whilst walking LouLou around the village the signal was more consistent so I called Vodafone explaining the situation. I was informed that the strength of songal in this area is not good, 2G as opposed to 3G. So the gentleman dealing with my enquiry said he would send me out a some sort of device, he named it but I didn;t take much notice. He said it's usually at a cost of £30 but he was providing this free of charge. I am very thankful for this great solution idea. I hope it resolves the issue as suggested, when it arrives. A couple of weeks a go a very helpful Vodafone gentleman offered me 1000 free landline minutes just for this month. A very nice Christmas present. And then I go an blow it all by calling T back and back and back charging up goodness know what costs as her phone is a Norway number. I was a little resentful actually that I was helping her, to which she was in a stressful situation and never once called me. That's my over helpfulness - I can let it go an maybe learn from this something. If I apply a step exercise to the situation .... hmmm well let's see.....
step 1:

Write down all ways in which you are powerless, and how acting out/focusing on the situation/person makes your life unmanageable.

Well I am powerless over whether T likes me for me or not. If she decides she doesn't and wants to move away from the friendship then I am powerless over that. I also cannot make her like me more or behave differently and more connected. Focusing on trying to make contact happen or more togetherness just leaves me feeling frustrated and also rejected. I feel silly too and needy which erodes away at my self esteem. And of course a lack of self esteem can trigger all sorts of more needy behaviour, a spiral downwards and not good for my psyche generally. Yesterday I ended up making expensive phone calls that I cannot afford to try and ease her stress that she wouldn't blame me and reject me and yet I felt cross too that she seemed to be stressed at me and blaming me for her predicament. And then hardly grateful at all that I had helped her. I was then thinking she was selfish and angry with her. But I said nothing at all. I will add that gradually that diminished - I was not needy at all and in fact was able to step back and just be myself, happy and carefree. Otherwise when my jealousy started rising, coupled with the resentment I was feeling, I would have found ways to dislike her all together. There was a lot I did let go of and by stepping back from jealousy I felt warmth and love. So it was not all bad but I think that is to counter what I did feel about this expensive phone call I have costed myself. And I know she has a lot more money than I do.

Step 2: 

Write down any ways in which you think a HP could restore you to sanity on this issue.  What does sanity/freedom look like?  What help would you like?

Sanity fo freedom looks like, letting go with love and not blaming T. Being able to know that her stress and what seemed like blame is her issue. Sanity and freedom also looks like me knowing that I was doing my best beause I could and wanted to even at a cost, I wanted to help my friend out of her predicament. How my HP can work is by helping me to let go, and has already helped by letting me look at things from a slightly broader perspective already. Also helping me to find the way to say on another occasion can you call me as I cannot afford all the costs and if that meant she decided to do something else instead - well then be able to let that be. Trusting in my HP that all things are OK even if T then decided to abandon me. I think she was close to giving up in her stressful anger. I would love to be able to talk to her about the whole situation and understand the communication thing. HP if that's possible please show me the way as I instantly feel fear contemplating raising the matter. I chose to call back and not say anything, it would just have been nice if she had offered but she didn't.

Step 3:

Write down how turning it over to this HP is essential.  (perhaps you can write a prayer, a declaration, a letter, whatever feels appropriate)
Well as there seem as always to be interconnected matters I can make it very complex indeed and so I need to turn it all over to my HP in the first instance to keep things simple. Stop analysing. I don't honestly know if raising the matter is necessary or not, it would be purely for selfish reasons and perhaps it would be better to discuss it with someone else - sponsor first. I will. And turning over the neediness is essential because then it is possible I will be able to be more boundaried and find the balance between generosity from my soul but looking after my own best interest at the same time.
Dear God, please help to know and understand what is the best thing to do, thy will be done. Amen.

Step 4:

Write down your part – your behaviour – what patterns/habits/feelings are involved:
pride, fear, shame, selfishness, dishonesty.....

Wanting to be helpful driven by friendship but also neediness of friendship in return. If I do something good for this person they will like me.  With T  never feel I can fully trust the friendship ie although we are in contact, I don't feel her total commitment to the friendship and I am afraid she will leave the friendship. Therefore I go over the top even though I am doing things I would generally offer to do anyway just to be helpful. There is a motive more than altruism. I want to feel secure and trusting becaue then I'm OK. I would add that there was of course altruism too as I do care and wanted to be helpful.
Fear and insecurity type fear too which manifests as neediness, self-centredness, dishonesty in the form of saying what I'd like ie call me back. There are probably more but need some input from outside from someone I trust.
Oh jealousy - I did all that and then she ignores me and puts more importance on B and not only that she is thinner than me!! Envy? Jealousy? I am never sure which and then that minfests as me thinking scratchy thoughts about the things that aren't so perfect ha ha - yet I dislike that about my thinking. Thank my HP for showing me to put that aside.


Step 5:

Share this with another human being.

I will share this with someone before I go on...... who? L comes to mind since it is she who shared hers recently with me. And I would like to try and do this following the suggestions rather than taking my usual short cuts. Oh or A too ...

Learning that all my shortcomings are based in fear.

Do I have T on a pedestal? There are times when I'm at ease with T and other times I feel unsure around her.
I let myself down by not asking her to call me back - pride.
Friends are friends with me because they want to be in their way - trust them. Trust my HP my friendship is what is.

Lonely. Drives my fear. I can be uncomfortable being alone.

Perfectionism - high expectaions on others - not allowing a person to be themselves.
get let down disappointed. Set myself up to have to be perfect for everyones needs rather than Am i enough?
Its not what's on the outside - whats on in the inside

Step 6:

Are you willing to have these defects removed?  Write down any reservations to having these defects of character removed. 
Yes I really think I am ready - I was a little reluctant to accept that I have T on a pedestal which to me says there is a reluctance to let go of something. But there is something I have her on that means I am fearful around her. When friendship is just easy then I have nothing to fear. I would like to be just chilled around her and already do this morning - interesting. If she likes me it's because of me and that doesn't mean I need her hanging round my neck. Freedom - well a little anyway.
I want to be free of fear and jealousy and pride and dishonesty. I want to be free of these things.
Reservations - ?  It's impossible that I will never be able to be free because I am not spiritually and emotionally intelligent enough. This is not helpful thinking. Trust.
Reservations- the pedestal thing. Pride stopped me wanting to own that this was taking place. Excessive admiration - perhaps there's someting in T I cnsider lacking in myself - her independence and lack of neediness for one.
I don't know what my resevrations are - perhaps that will become more evident as I practice being different. Please God help me to be aware if it is t be.


Step 7:

a written handover of your defects – a prayer, letter, declaration

Dear God I handover to you my defects of jealousy, envy, pride, dishonesty, fear and insecurity. I give them to you to show me how to remove them and then how not to claw them back at the first sign of dificulty. I hand over the dishonesty with a view to you showing me how to be more honest. This is a biggy for me I feel. Also I handover to you the high regard I hold for others which often turns out to be high expectations and then let down.
Thank you for showing me these sortcomings, being gentle on me only taking them when I am ready to see them and hand them over to you. Please show me how to go forward without them.
Amen

Step 8:

Note all the people that have been harmed by this resentment/fear based behaviours:  (including you)
Me me and me - emotionally spiritually and financially.
The relationship between T and I but probably without her even knowing actually.

Step 9:

Write down a sentence of an amend that needs to be made.
I am sorry for not being able to be honest and speak out for my needs to be voiced and for being needy of another person which is damaging my very sense of worth. I am sorry for putting someone on a pedestal and therefore comparing resulting in despairing. We are al equal. Sorry for the stress and agst this evokes, when actually I can feel the calm which is always available. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking with things.

Step 10: 

continue to monitor behaviour each day (i.e. go back over step 4 and step 9 to remind yourself of only focusing on you)
 Phone call to E today - asking for help. This is good and supportive and reminded of the ease of friendship that I'd like to be offering to T.
I asked if we could speak with cost - we tried the various free devices until they didn't work and then E phoned me. At her cost even though I brought this to her attention she made a choice.

Step 11:

How can prayer and meditation help?  Consciously go beyond the initial ‘problem’ and look for a will greater than yours.

I'm not sure what thies mean to go beyond the problem. Does this mean think about what drives this behaviours and attitudes. When I do that I feel a mix of anger and sadness. I have not learnt somehow these things and the neediness I am sure derives from absent parents from when I was far too young to be alone. I was always chasing my mum. I think when she walked out on one occasion I was so scared and upset and she left me with my dad who is emotionally absent - even more so back then. All these things contribute along with other encounters in my life. Some tools of security seemed to go awry. And I have forged full steam ahead too - relationship after relationship always resulting in me being alone, friendships ruined by unconscious acts. All leaves me very scared that it will continue.
So Prayer eables me to seek support and just be close to God and then some serenity and trust trickles ove me - and I can feel alll ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Meditation - well enables me to sit quietly with these things and certainly know that in this moment nothing is "wrong". I can regain strength and often know what I need to do. As I do with JC (another story). Meditation slows everything up and creates time for contemplation. My quiet time I will take during today sometime.



Step 12:

write down how it helps to carry the message through service work with others.  What does carrying the message do for you and others in recovery?
 Carrying the message usually reinforces what I need to do - the next best thing. It also shows me achievements I've made, changes, development.
I am not sharing at meetigns right now but I can share with FA people when I call out without having to discuss the detail but that there is clarity and also effort I am making in difficult situations large or smaller.
 I show up at the moment. I make calls and receive calls. I share my experiences. It's all reinforcing and giving back too. I get to reinforce by giving a little away

Anyhow whilst I wait for my friend to call me so that I can move on from Step 5 I will continue writing.
I was very pleased with myself as I felt rivalry and jealousy rising in me. When T just wanted to get to B our shared sponsor I felt scratchy. I also felt jealous of her skinniness. I am learning that compareeerrrr eerrrr scratchiness manifesting.I hope that T's exercise regime and eating healthily resolves the problem and the ageing processes I am noticing are at times distressing. There have been times I am overwhelmed with them and can feel immense loss. So I do not wish anything like that on T in any way. She is my friend and I am delighted for her to be looking so good. I am for all the fellow FAers I've met. They are looking and sounding beautiful inside and out and I want that for anyone. I don't like the thinking I have. Awareness is 50% of the journey and please God help me to remove myself from this nastiness. Thank you if it is your will.
Anyway I did step back from my rivalry and felt warm and love as T was able to connect in person with B. She has been on the periphery and this was an opportunity to get close and personal. I hope she is not jealous of me in any way as the situation with A and C all those years ago was horrid in the end. I do not want that situation.
C was already A's sponsee. I did ask her if she minded me asking A to sponsor me and I became the golden girl. I worked at it and probably, no I certainly did manipulate it - I had more time and space for A. I turned her into a sort of surrogate mother really. And I was her top fledgling as she called us all. Yuch now that makes my skin crawl. It did at the time but to feel loved was more important. I would tolerate all that slushy rubbish to feel adored and special to someone. But C is a very jealous person and wow how to watch out for someone scorned. I was scorned by her being knocked out of potential position. I watched C's attempts at manipulation but she was never able to knock me out of place until .......
I did something A disapproved of. A told C that this was all related to my step 4 and conduct in connection with relationships. I was horrified that she even dared mention anything of my step 4. That is sacrosanct privacy. C told me as if doing me a favour. She wanted me to know and then all hell let loose. I confronted A saying that I didn't feel I could trust her at which point she told me to leave her house. I undoubtedly have an amends to make but more for my codependent behaviour with her in the first place. And with C too now doubt. I hope I remember to bring this up in my AWOL when I start in April. 12 noon every Sunday from 12th April. Excellent. I am excited just to be getting going on this without really knowing what it's about. B suggested not putting too much expectation on it as her first AWOL didn't seem anything special at all.
I wonder if T will be on this too. It will be interesting as I can see a pattern of behaviour here for me. I get jealous and want to be number 1. I felt it with A and M too. Just letting people be and being able to be confident that I am OK too is a real blessing that I am seeing and beginning to practise once again. And trust that if its not OK for others that is their issue. I will be OK whatever happens so long as I continue to weigh and measure my foods. I do not want any repeat of animosity etc that I experienced then and still do from A and C. Which of course was further deepened because S and I had split up and they were a little cohort against me or that's how it has felt. I know C could be poisonous, I regularly heard A's venomous words and S's too. Wow they were all very similar in that way. Gosh and they also didn't follow the suggestions entirely either. Hmmm that's interesting. T is but also I have a fear that she won't, that her feelings will push her away and I wonder if that's me projecting that past situation onto her or if I am sensing something. M too has pulled away and is very driven by the crazy thinking not getting the balance from the distortion that comes with working a programme. Hmmmm very interesting.
Fear is there for certain. I don't want to be in any way involved in anything similar and so please God help me to remove my part in this - jealousy, manipulation, neediness and anything else I am as yet unaware of. Oh dishonesty will be in there. Yuch it feels ugly in me. I feel an urgency yet I know it will all be in God's time. There we go again with the caps!

Anyway - lunch was lovely, chatting, laughing, sharing. B mentioned this morning how funny and at ease she saw me and I said I am a bit of a social buffoon. I was clumsy when C joined three of us and I was chatting to J. She is an actress - in theatre and said that she doesn't do it for the money. She is classically beautiful. Like something out of a painting. I wonder if she has ancestry in blue bloods. Australian she went to Paris to study. She met her husband, Portuguese and now they live in Portugal together in their own theatre. It's so romantic in my mid. Showboat comes to mind, love, fun, poverty but not caring about that as they are following their passion and in love. I found it strange seeing her stop C's hand tapping. I am sure it was as a reminder to calm but it seemed to me quite controlling. I am sure it was meant and received with good will. I am seeing good will and letting go. I think - please God?
As I walked T to the bus stop it felt strange - her in London and yet us parting ways. It was good for me though. Letting go. Thank you God. She is busy and wanting to do her own thing. She has said before that she goes to the galleries and does her own thing. She is whizzing around so many too. I wouldn't want to see so much in one go. I want to absorb.
I went off to meet J (old school friend). She had mentioned before that she would like some cultural experiences - theatre, gallery, etc. So we met at Tate Modern and I had planned that we would visit the 5th floor permanent exhibition State of Flux.
I feel good that I stuck with my commitment to J as I have opted out on a few arrangements before noe. I was reliable - she is too.

The central space of this wing is devoted to the early twentieth-century movements Cubism, Futurism and Vorticism. These avant-garde artists broke with traditional ideas of picture making, seeking a more dynamic and fractured visual language to represent the complex reality of modern life and the machine age. Surrounding displays show how these developments influenced experimental film, photography and design, sometimes with a more pointed political agenda. Another room shows the post-Impressionist art from which the younger generation were breaking away. Cubist innovations such as collage were central to the emergence of Pop Art which combined high and low culture, art and commerce into forceful, celebratory and sometimes critical visions of the post-war consumer era. More recently, techniques such as collage, appropriation and assemblage have been reinvented and transformed by younger artists to reflect the multi-layered texture of urban life. New digital technologies have enabled contemporary artists to adopt methods of sampling, mixing and montaging associated with alternative music and club cultures.

It was interesting, being in a period of time with new movements developing and the influences later on. Whilst the pop art of Licthenstein was amazingly powerful, I appreciated it for it's message and for the enormous amount of work and yet didn't like it for it's appearance too. That's so difficult for me to clearly put into words. It was high impact - Wham! The emotion of it when I stopped properly to consider what I was looking at, was powerful. But the stark presentation is not terribly appealing. It's comic strip which I recognise as a incredible talent but I wouldn't want it on my wall for example. I am glad to be able to see it in a gallery and appreciate it for what it is. However the sculpture was more appealing. It looked like a powerful robotic type man. Great big chunk of heavy metal, jagged edges yet smooth rounded tactile as well. Striking -

Umberto Boccioni & Roy Lichtenstein (Room 1)

© Estate of Roy Lichtenstein Two violent and emotionally charged images of technology and power open the States of Flux wing. The central space of this wing is devoted to the early twentieth-century movements Cubism, Futurism and Vorticism. These avant-garde artists broke with traditional ideas of picture making, seeking a more dynamic and fractured visual language to represent the complex reality of modern life and the machine age. Surrounding displays show how these developments influenced experimental film, photography and design, sometimes with a more pointed political agenda. Another room shows the post-Impressionist art from which the younger generation were breaking away. Cubist innovations such as collage were central to the emergence of Pop Art which combined high and low culture, art and commerce into forceful, celebratory and sometimes critical visions of the post-war consumer era. Contemporary artists continue to develop new visual languages and engage with urban life. Umberto Boccioni was one of the leading artists of the Futurist movement. His striding sculpture Unique Forms of Continuity in Space (1913) is a celebration of speed, dynamism and forward momentum that suggests the bold idealism of the early twentieth-century avant-garde. Roy Lichtenstein's Whaam! (1963), made fifty years later, offers a more dispassionate and ironic response to the dramas of war. Like other artists associated with Pop, he uses a deliberately cool and impersonal style for this emotive subject matter. Both works can be seen as powerful statements addressing the chaos and violence of their respective eras, forging compelling connections between art and life. Umberto Boccioni (1882-1916) was born in Reggio Calabria in southern Italy. He lived and worked in Rome and Milan. Roy Lichtenstein (1923-1997) was born in New York, where he lived and worked.

Actually I cannot be bothered to write about the whole experience and instead enjoy as one had with memories now. I loved the Bauhaus photography. I truly did love that and would want to own some of those photos. I was fun too spending time with J and hearing her impression of what she saw. I passed onto her what A passed onto me - look at the works and see what you like and what you don't. Gradually I have developed more and more with a sense of yep being OK with liking what I like yet open minded to the things I don't like. A has been an education for me and I truly appreciate that. Amongst a few others too. 

Bliss
xx

Peace, bliss and abundance in 2012 - shifting sands

It's 2012. I had a sense of change as I walked around the village early this morning.
You see I have a sense of not being in the right place but I don;t actually know where is the right place or if there even is one. It just seems that something will change in 2012. Perhaps it will simply be me. After all I am practicing changes within me and pursuing a more spiritual centred practice. I will simplify life and need for less therefore be more content with what is. Acceptance. That's the hope anyway.
Yesterday turned out so very different from my agonising the day before and my decision as a result of that. I did nothing of my decisions. I do not feel bad about that as I can easily do by not sticking with plans. None of them were hard and fast, just ideas. Instead I spent a very relaxed evening with A. Lounging around in front of the fire, watching a DVD (The Tin Drum - a very strange story by Gunter Gras. I was somehow intrigued by it, perturbed too. The story of a little boy, the narrator, telling his story from birth and deciding at 3 he would not grow anymore. He observed the adults and with all the complexities, he realised he did not want to become one of them. It was based in Danzig, Poland. Some of the time is during the Second World War. It is an odd story of a baby born with wisdom, without the need to experience life as an adult to develop. Apparently it is written in hindsight as the protagonist sits in a mental hospital. However the film ends when Oskar decides to grow. At the time of his birth Oskar is told he will get a tin drum when he is 3 years old. The tin drum is central to the story, throughout his discovery of his mothers relationship with Uncle Jan, his fathers Nazi party rantings, his schooling, the persecution of Jews as the Nazi's take over the town and so on. He also discovers that he can scream which acts as a defence for his drum or against anything that he dislikes. All a very odd little story really).
I was able to drive G to her New Years Eve party and collect her. Her back is hurting but she felt obliged to go so as not to disrupt the bridge. When I collected her, A and I went into the house. I was a social buffoon. Ha ha ha. I tried to shake hands with the host before he had closed the door. He was a real gentlemanly type man and I saw his consternation at my lack of social grace. When I was introduced to one of the ladies I said laughingly that I was A's consort and companion. A was very embarrassed. I have recurring judders at the memory - and bless me :) - I will learn to be less brash and more gentile. I become boisterous with my own insecurity. It was interesting how very quickly A and I had picked up on the prickly lay and I believed that she seemed very insecure and her husband who was clearly a very good looking man when he was younger, and I recognised the "twinkle" in his eye. A did too. All this was confirmed by G. Of course who knows what the insecurity is all about but I felt for her, that is hellish living. I want no more of it for myself and would not want it for anyone else.
Home late and up early. I will have an early night tonight. I am considering driving over to see Sister N and then on to C&S. It also seems a lot of energy when I am feeling so tired and need to conserve energy for work tomorrow. I have decided I will continue with my case study when at work. There are no clients so there will surely be time. Perhaps I could even take my laptop in so that I am not sat at that horrid desk.
Yes even the thought of work is full of change. A new boss coming in. Unsettling the sand. I am anxious about the change at times and then also have adopted this thought that perhaps there is a lot to learn from the entire experience of someone new. P protects us very well. When I think of losing that I get scared. I just do trust more and more.
I was asking HP to show me what I need to do. I guess I can do nothing and become acceptant with this life I have. It feels a plod and in need of a shake up though. What I am asking for really is to be shown. And when I think of that change of location and work come to mind. I am willing for anything to open up. Even if it means a change of job all together. I am not open to eating meat though. That may seem a random comment but my sponsor asked me if I might be open to that idea. It makes me gag at the thought. So right now the answer is no. However! Yup there is an openness - there have been some meats I've enjoyed but thinking about that there were meats prepared in sauces - from Singapore. My mum used to bring it home for me. I think it was very dried pork in square sheets. About 7 x 7 inches square. Each slice was very very thin, almost see through and coated in a sticky, sweet and sour sauce.
So would I open my mind to this? Well I can keep the mind open yes. Nothing need be closed off. The future is not that certain. What I do now is that for today I am committed to weighing and measuring the food that I have planned and shared with my sponsor already this morning.

An A-Z gratitude list.
A (my friend) and art
Boots - my dad paid for them
Consideration for others
Downpours as I love the sounds and decisions
Energy and E (my friend) and enough money
Freedom from food and friendship
Grace and gratitude and galleries
Hope
Inspiration
Jokes
Kisses
Love and LouLou
M (my friend) and museums and music
Nourishment
Opportunity
People
Quiet time
Restoration to sanity
Steps and seasons
Time with friends and LouLou
Universal energy
Velvet
Wisdom
X mmmm difficult one - xylophone music by Orff
Yin and yang
Zest for life

Happy New Year - wishing for an abundance of everything wanted in 2012. Being careful of wants as they can come in strange bundles.

Bliss
XX