Famous Bell Ringers

I seem to cut off on my last opsting rather abruptly. I write that as if it's a surprise.
I was talkign with E on the phone, typing the blog so that I didn't forget my latest realisation and putting on my boots ready to rush off to bell ringing.
M was waiting for me and off we whisked to the garage of G and A. The usual crew were there, R and G with his funny laugh. And two new ringers R and I. Off course I was completely star struck as I usually an meeting R and real published author. Trying to be cool I chatted nonchalantly as if I didn't know. She mentioned it and I equally nonchalantly said oh yes M mentione dot me. I entered into conversation with her about why she her agent had encouraged her to have a blog. I never, ever expected to meet a famous person bell ringing. Well it's a less embarrassing hobby now ner ner ner ner ner! I have sent an text to tell her as we were both having a luagh about my odd little hobby. I managed to Plain Hunt on 2 bell. I also rang the tenor for one of those dodger methods.
I so so so want to send my ever so overly drafted email to A. I think I am being so nonchalant (no only kidding). I think it's been a little humourous and also apologetic and quite adult. I have said
"Ugh! After picking myself off the floor, following a huge shame attack, I promise to send only succinct emails from here on.
(And at a time when Obama is making words fashionable again!!! Not willing to take all the blame he he)
I was able to laugh at myself once the shame started to diminish.
Poor you - longer and longer emails and more frequent, sorry A.
Thanks for pointing this out."
I have agreed with myself that I will not email until at least Wednesday. Already it's hard for me. I am such a blinking addict. Partly it's because I think I have written such a great email and like the fact that I am owning my feelings and saying sorry and I think this will spring him into thinking I am a great person and partly coz I want to send out that hook.
Well I have agreed with E not to. I can do it. Blimey I cut contact with J and it was just about a year before I was in contact with him again.
However, out socialising, just feel so inadequate. I can sit and chat with people willing to talk at emotional levels, no problem. BUt trying to have general chit chat or knowing anything about politics etc - I am hopeless. The have anecdotal stories that raise a chuckle. If I told them mine they would probably choke on their two peanuts and half a lager.
I think they are realising that I am not as young as they at first thought and treated me. I am sure this is after commenting to T on Friday during the practice that there are only 5 years between her and me. I know she was surprised. I was too. I thought she looks older than my mum when my mum died. I will not tell anyone other than E that.
I am still have so uch shame that I live in social housing. I am sure that's not the word these days. It's not my flat. I pay rent to a housing association. I think I am OK with it most of the time but I think the mwmber of the owners club do judge me. It's not the done thing is it? One is supposed to have made their fortune and have things to show for it. Gosh I have probably lost so much just by being on the run.
Wow it's after midnight pumpkin.
Just want to pay tribute to a special person S and her little mouse. Pleased to have made her acquaintance.

Blushing

My friend E called and asked what I am doing tonight. Squirmingly I said I am ging bell ringing. She smirkily said "On a Monday?!".
It is the most embarrassing hobby ever. And if "they" has said to me that in 8 years time when you have some clean time behind you, you will take up bell ringing, I swear that I would never ever have got clean.
It makes me laugh though. It's such a weird thing for me to be doing. The people are all ordinary somehow. They don't really talk much to me. I end up sitting on my own a lot. I think they really thought I was odd when I turned up on Halloween wearinga witches hat and all dressed in black. I took choccies along and mentioned that I had cast a spell on the chocs. He he he. M did pass a comment, something about there is probably a superstition about withces in churches. I AM NOT A WITCH! was what I wanted to scream YOU STUPID FOOL I AM JUST DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN - GET IT?????? I didn't, I just took off my witches hat and rang bells .
This evening though is in G and A's garage. They are such entusiasts they have their own set hanging in their garage. They are a dinky little sound.
Listening to E and her difficulties around work, it's interesting. Hearing a lot of things I can relate to. I just want to be well managed and work for a professional outfit where everyone does it right! I have always thought that. But BA, Hoggs, even the Saurday jobs Biggs, Rowledge Stores - none of them had it right!
The world is full of fallible people some trying harder than others and I don;t like it. In a childlike way I want that grown up who knows everything and can make it all OK to exist. I hated discovering my mum was fallible. Bit she wasn't really. She was just the best and I dare anyone to say differently. Consequently there is huge difficulty when in therapy if anyone dares go into that zone!
Right off to bell ring with my fallible ordinaries