-Kabir

Friend, please tell me what I can do about this world
I hold to, and keep spinning out!

I gave up sewn clothes, and wore a robe,
but I noticed one day the cloth was well woven.

So I bought some burlap, but I still
throw it elegantly over my left shoulder.

I pulled back my sexual longings,
and now I discover that I'm angry a lot.

I gave up rage, and now I notice
that I am greedy all day.

I worked hard at dissolving the greed,
and now I am proud of myself.

When the mind wants to break its link with the world
it still holds on to one thing.

Kabir says: Listen my friend,
there are very few that find the path!

Well  I would like to be one of those people. How this relates to me.
I am unsure of the order of things but I am guessing that I feel the hole in my soul. That takes the form of the grief that results from not having the father I have wanted. Or I feel the rage of a little girl that has been violated. No one will understand that unless they have been sexually abused. The rage is so powerful that I turned that rage into eroticised sex and the grief has been a lifetime of needy relationships. Otherwise the rage turns into overeating, but then I have in the past kept that in control through first anorexia or bulimia. When the anorexia or bulimia has worked then I feel a confidence that is ego based and the the relationships start up again. In between there has been the use of alcohol and drugs but mainly to ease the conscience of my self disgust. The rage you see turns inwards.

I seem to put my toe on a path and then think I am better and off it all starts again. I am desperate.
I am raging deep inside me - raging at me.
Pissed off at having been duped by JH - last time I will mention him is here and now. I will take this business elsewhere. I need to take it to SLAA. Pissed off mainly with myself because I knew it yet didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe his lies instead because I want to be loved.
So I have an apoointment with SC for next Thursday. There is even more of a chance of getting to USA. I think I will try and start an SLAA meeting locally.  I know it's not about the other person and ALL about me. It's just so damned difficult to stay focused on that at the moment. So stricter measures are required. I do feel sad and concerned for the next vulnerable women that will be duped by him and many like him. Especially on SL - it is a playground for middle aged unwell men. I am pissed at him for being one although of course he would tell everyone differently. A little part of me is saying don;t write that because if he reads it ever then there will be no chance of friendship. Well I am thinking it and writing it because it's in my head and better out than in. I need a reference point because I forget so easily.
Everything is written, nothing is lost and then as wellness sets in, hopefully I will be able to see the error of my ways when it's possible to see. So if he is offended - there is nothing I can do. Sorry to him. Hope you might some day look at your own behaviour. Please try to find a conscience and don't lie to vulnerable women - be a good man instead.

I am still ambivalent - an you believe it. I am on my knees with this stuff and yet I am thinking that it sounds horrid to be a sex and love addict.
God I felt the rage escalate in me last night. Food in order, but dabbling in contact with men - RRRRRRAGE!. I eroticised the rage and felt so sad for me. And then there are men who without knowing it half the time are seeking that out. When will I stop?
I didn't like the feel of the SLAA meeting last night but then again I could be understanding of others situations. It feels sleazy because it is flipping sleazy. We are talking about acting out and feeling ashamed about it yet unable to stop. And there are so few people with any sound recovery because this is all so new really. I am never even sure what recovery is.
I so need to get to Bedford and Melissa. I am grateful to SC opening the door last Friday. The difficulty is now that I am topsy turvy with the frigging emotions.
I feel so much rage - towards all the fucking abusive men who have entered my life. And the abuse in various forms. I know it's not about them but it is too. I wasn't innocent and don't try to pretend I have been - except with my father. But FUCK! They have their part and I am allowed to feel angry. All I ever wanted was to be loved. All I ever got was abuse really - spiritual abuse in the form of dishonesty and secrecy (most recently), physical abuse in the form of beating and violent sex, mental abuse - well the torture of knowing there are lies and secrets and the pretence of love, emotional abuse in the form of offering control and dependency in the form of love. FUCK! I know a lot of it's unconscious but a lot isn't too. And I am raging about it. I can't stop it even though I know I have to only take my inventory. The rage is the old stuff and I need to place it somewhere because I don't know what it really is or how to manage it.
I want to scream. I can feel the scream from way way down inside me - it feels like a volcano that needs to erupt for the sake of catharsis.
FUCK JH! Please Universe, take care of the people he will be fucking over before me and since me. I am not the messenger nor their keeper. But I pray that you can take care of them and I know it's everyone's personal journey. Please can you ensure that JH has all that makes him truly content in life. Thank you God.
So SLAA it is then. And blow me over with a feather, K phoned this morning. She wanted to talk about her own issues with all of this stuff. ML is interested if I set up a meeting. There is a possibility. I wonder why R is no loner her sponsor? Anyway none of my business except that she said it twice. I will leave it to her to tell me if she needs to. I could hear her controlling that I remember so well. And I was able to listen. She didn't want solutions - just to be heard.
Well I shared with her the Beginners Pack and now I will read it myself.
Off walking this am with AB - she has already delayed it by half an hour. Tee hee. It's much cooler today thought so it's less of an issue.
I need to speak to some friends today about what I have seen.

Man! I am a fool to myself.

Bliss
XX

Universe I want to be free of this stuff. I want to be more in contact with You and feel the spirituality that I know is within me, that is veiled by all of this stuff. I pray that I might be free of the bondage of self and allow You to show me the way. I have faith, I feel trust. I handover to You and I will try to take the steps that are folowing the path that not many find. I truly would like to be on that path and whatever that then throws my way. I hope that I might become wiser and know .....
Please, please help me Universe.
I so need Your help.

the greatest thing, in life you'll learn ...

Bliss, about your glorious freedom, and that one day soon you will be loved and cherished by a special man... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself?Yeah, your peeps can do it for you.
"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
    The Universe

Oh my gosh I didn't expect to be signed off again and this time until 9th May. I don't think the shame I feel will permit me to stay away that long. I am loathe to even send the necessary email to PD to advise him. This is just crazy how I am feeling. And it's difficult to allow myself the time necessary to get properly well. And that everyone will be judging me - of course rationally I think that those that judge have no idea what this is actually like. I judge myself harshly and see myself as weak and a failure. But the other side of me, the loving, caring me knows to just be gentle and this is an illness that is real a difficult. I am not bringing it on myself, although I am certain that decisions in the past contribute to mobilising old emotinal and mental difficulties. When I say men tal I am always afraid that people reading this would then think of mentla nutcases. There is still such a stigma. Or mayb e that is my harsh self berating and judgement and there is no stigma at all. Ha! That's rubish - there is a fear and aversion to mental health of any kind. I am depressed, have been suicidal or as SC reminds me I feel murderous and that is all turned in on me.
Funny thing is I am so convincing when I think of the things I want to do. I was really, really convinced that I needed to make contact. After last night and actually standing up and reading my poetry and then people coming to talk to me aftewards - I wanted to share that adrenalin excxitetment with someone who would be pleased for me. I did tell a friend but it's not the same somehow for me as someone special. I guess really I wanted my dad to show some pride in me. But that sort of thing he wouldn't even acknowledge. It's not valid and worthwhile. And so I wanted JH to be proud and exicted with me. Someone to care about me and recognise the achievement. The thing is just as the human being is he, he probably would be able to acknowledge that. JB for example wouldn't although he can acknowledge the academic achievement s I have made. Writing just that shows me that different people have different things that they consider valuable and priorities. It's just having someone to acknowledge what is important to me that would be nice and accepting of me.
Then this morning I was afraid of going to the GP and saying that I am better but not fully and that I wanted more time off. I felt ashamed and again want someone to validate me and make it OK. I sent texts and AM said she would call later. ET phoned off the cuff which was nice and gave me some reassurance about the care for me at work. She also mentioned that she might be signed off for a couple of weeks. More affirmation through others. ANd so I actually had the courage to go and the GP took decisions himself from there. This was a relief, he is taking me seriously and suggesting what needs to be done. I do need him to escalate things with the specialist but was loathe to push that. I will call and ask the receptionist to requesst that he does do that after all. You see I can do these things without needing approval from outside.
The reality is I wouldn't be honest about this anymore with JH anyway. The last time I was honest he started reading up and deciding on a diagnosis. I felt very judged and at risk. A little information is dangerous and rather than dealing with me as simply me I wondered if he had in mind judgements from "mental health" issues. Yuch! How violated I feel having allowed myself to be so open. Some people misuse information. I am not sure JH did but I am not sure he didn't either. His behaviours have left me with a real distrust. I am sure he would hate that, but then he wanted to make me the problem too I think rather than look at himself. He made me not the compatible one with him.
I can see it both sides.
Anyway - I know that it would be possible at some time to be a friend with JH but right now I am not certain it would be OK as I am so vulnerable so I just need not to. That may change tomorrow but for today - no.
Vulnerable? Because I feel such love still and it is not reciprocated. I just have to keep allowing myself to grieve and let go, grieve and let go, let go, let go.
It's mixed up thought this love. Because I feel love for sme elements. I still do not love the parts that are dishonest and does not want monogamy.

I am dreaming alot. Vivid dreams. IN the early hours of the morning yesterday, people from my younger years were walking into a tented area and sitting at a big outdoor table/bench. NS was the main person I remember. I was wondering why they were walking bac into my life. They were sitting there chatting and I could feel myself with that sense of being on the outside and seperate. I never did feel the same as everybody else but was trying to be so that I would be accepted.
This monring I had a dream too - it's slipped out of my memory. And yet I have been thinking about during the day.

Well my plan was to to go to the temple again for the meditation this evening. AB and I walked longer than expected. My gosh it was even hotter today. Lovely.
We saw cowslips ... they are so rare they are protected now. GB says she has seen wild orchids there too. I hope we get to see them sometime soon.
The point I was going to make, more importantly, is that somehow I changed my plans. I ended up at the SLAA meeting. The reading was so relevant - it couldn't have been better if it was planned. I was concerned at the health of the meeting. But there is a meeting and I was able to share.
I need to get myself more involved once again. The reading even talked about setting up a new meeting, which I have been contemplating off and on. ML says she would be interested if I di although she wouldn't be involved in the setting up. There is K too she might be interested and get involved too. Well I will research a venue. I keep moaning that there isn't the variety of meetings and so now is an opportunity to do something about that. Perhaps  CoDA might get underway too. Who knows .....
The meeting was helpful - I cried at the sadness I feel, I shared the frustration I feel with self, the despair, the disappointment of the relationship turning out the way it did, I shared the madness that has ensued and the grief too. And now I need to put some work in and stick with it. Commitment even when I don't necessarily feel up to it. That is something I wanted in JH - standstill, don't run and work through things which requires change. However, he didn't want to change things to stay committed to me. He is committed in other things. And that is so so sad.
I also shared just a little about my dad. How I would love to have a different relationship with him but this is the one I have. It's not all good.

I read my poems last evening. I am still surprised - when asked what had inspired me to read out, I really don't know. The reception seemed good - I was given a gift of someone elses poem. Someone wanted to sit quietly and re-read one and said that it really resonated for them. Someone else referred to a line of one of my poems and used it in their own way. The guest poet came over and was very encouraging. And two other poets were encouraging me to sahre more of my poems. People were very enthusiastic. It's such a weird little mix of people. I feel I have written this now twice - oh well

Very tired now - it's the end of the day - added to this in bits and pieces through the day. Lots to say and nothing coming out today