Think of the one area of life that brings you the most discomfort, Bliss, and that's where you're ripe for growth.
Never fails,
The Universe
Does this apply to everyone do you think? Growth comes mainly through pain?
Areas of discomfort - funny really because instead of looking towards the things that I am grateful for and therefore feel uplifted and skippy, the Universe is by default encouraging everyone to look at the areas of life that are negative. This can bring on a negative outlook for me. I didn't even get going and could feel the darkness moving in so decided not to think about discomfort. It will surely present itself when it's time to learn.
Areas that I am already learning have been around my anger. And also at work, seeing the way everyone is sucked into the stress and chaos and wondering how to remain as detached as I felt when I first walked in. I can see one thing that sucks me in - PD said yesterday that he feels support which is a compliment. I then put a pressure on myself to be keep doing it as it is something that pleases him and gets a positive reaction from a man who is very, very changeable. He is unpredictable and this can tap into the fear that I have. I can relate that to my dad when I was younger. I could never know what sort of mood he would be in. A lot of the time he was angry and with it moody, so nothing would be right and I would be told off. With his telling off I was always being undermined as a human being. It wasn't only parental boundaries. I developed later into rebelling and therefore really aggravating my dad. But to be honest I think I can see how the rebel in me developed. Nothing I did anyway would be right all of the time, there was no consistency. So in the end my confusion and hurt became anger and that exposed itself as rebelling because I was never allowed or even taught how to express my frustrations and anger.
That unpredictability as a little child creates fear. Fear for me of never knowing if I was going to be OK or not. I was rejected by him and so the fear of abandonment was prevalent. Equally my mum wasn't always around. She was working. So there was no consistency anywhere.
So within relationships I have had through my life that fear of abandonment. It is always possible of course that people will leave and my experience has been that they do. No doubt I have a part in setting that up. Perhaps even subconsciously choosing those people that unavailable in various ways or unreliable. Reliability of course can seem tedious, spontaneity is interesting. But it seems the spontaneous people also come with unreliability.
In my last relationship I sensed unreliability. He thought I was looking for absolute certainty. NOOOOO! Commitment doesn't mean it has to be forever, nothing is forever and everything is changing. But the more I knew the more I felt unsafe. He seemed to want to be able to do just however he wanted without boundaries. I am not sure it's absolutely true but that's how it seemed to me. And so there was a feeling in me of potential abandonment. Trust takes a while to develop.
This communication with JC - he is another one. Wants to have friends but doesn’t have communication with his wife. So there is a mistrusting in him to be able to tell her who he is and what his needs are and lack of communication. And so contributing to a sense of distrust at some level - if they are both aware of this between them. Some people I guess just aren't self aware and some people are. I feel sad for them. I have encouraged them to start talking with one and other.
I have noticed in me a couple of needy times and then I throw out comments of intrigue. I am able to re-boundary and stop that. I don't like it. At least I am more aware. I think if I am true to myself I would prefer to stop the contact altogether. See with AV it's great and simple. It's all above board with his girlfriend. Communication between us is boundaried - there is no intrigue cast either way. Discussions have even been very deep and meaningful but without any hint of anything. I respect him for his boundaries and commitment to his relationship. It may not last forever as others haven't for him. But whilst he's in it he is totally in it.
A totally true relationship, where there is true love between two people, seems to be rare. I would like that and if I can't have it, I am not prepared to have second best. That's I guess why I am where I am. The funny thing is when I was with AV I wasn't content - but I think I was in the starts really of what escalated into a full blown addictive process. I was not ready and actually was just another like the majority in western society wanting more more more. I get a feel that people living simple lives or getting in touch with nature etc think they are there! But they forget to look at themselves I find. When I have really got closer to anyone of these people they really want something spiritual and living with nature's rhythms is surely a start but not many seem to be exploring their inner selves too deeply.
It is the hardest spiritual path to travel I guess so not many people want to. The more spiritual, the narrower the path. Ironic really.
I need to start studying. 4 Days off and I need to focus. The purpose of the time off was to dig and house-sit but as AB decided sadly not to go with her mum and sister, I will be simply spending time with her instead. We are walking this afternoon at 4pm. My plan had been to focus on my studies whilst in their home. Now I can do it here in my own home. And what have I been doing - playing with the camera
BUT I cannot download the images yet .... I am hoping DC can help me to locate the necessary software.
Going back to the original point made by the Universe. There have been times when I have invited the Universe to show me what it is I need to learn. Phew! Sometimes the lessons have been mighty painful. So I am becoming more cautious and allowing the Universe to show me in it's time for today. That in itself has been learning. So I am loathe to go looking. Steps 4 and 5 bring an awareness of areas to work on. I think I am constantly doing these Steps. But I don't do them alone and they are not done without looking as well at the assets in my character and behaviour. I think should like to start working the steps again. I think the steps with SLAA are imperative. I think CODA steps would be good to work through again also.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I think the thing there is "humbly". And perhaps how I have interpreted that when I have said OK please show me what it is I am to learn, there's nothing humble in my request. Searching my motives, there has always been a desire to be a better person. This in itself is a good thing. I would like to work towards being the best I can be. Not better than, just the best that is my potential. But for today I think each lesson is to be learned as I am ready not when I think I am ready.
This doesn't mean not doing as I am going along being. But it does mean to observe and experience as I go along and not force matters.
What I do like is the growing acceptance I have this morning and the desire to experience again. I am making plans and will commit to plans, facing fears and see what happens.
But the Universe is saying today to think of one area of my life. The thing that has come to mind each time I have read it now is the feeling of aloneness and the desire for a loving relationship and I think my lesson is in learning to love myself and to be OK in aloneness. I am not sure how to do that. As soon as I am alone, I feel emptiness. Yet there are so many ways I can connect with my Higher Power. For instance today I could phone the monastery and follow through with my desire to talk with a monk. I want to talk about the depth of my anger. And I could also talk about this feeling of aloneness I have - ever since my mum died, it was there and I was clinging onto SH. When my relationship ended with him, which was inevitable because as I started to get myself together I could see all the things between us that were not OK for me and that became apparent for him too (I hated though that he had the courage to bring this to the fore), I have had a sense of being alone. I like my own time and can feel claustrophobic when I cannot get my own time and space. I noticed how I was looking forward to returning to an empty flat when people have been staying. But there is something else about this aloneness. I was driving home last evening and saw a car in the lay-by and an ambulance there too. I wondered what had happened. There was a person leaning into the driving side, the door open. I started thinking of the Diving Bell and the Butterfly. He has a massive stroke. I wondered if something like that had happened as this couple were driving along. As there appeared to be two of them anything that did happen, the other person was able to call the ambulance and was there in the other persons probable fear. I thought about all the driving I do, everyday, long distances alone. If anything happened to me like that there is no one to make a call for help. And I might die alone. How sad.
So aloneness is definitely one area that I need to learn about and it terrifies what the Universe will do to help me learn this lesson.
The topic of the meeting last night was the word grace. It was so interesting as this is a word I love. People were trying to define its meaning. I am not sure any one of us truly got to know what it meant for us.
I am concerned that ML might drink. I am concerned on several levels. I wonder how it might affect our friendship. I am concerned that I would be very jealous. Most of me doesn't want to drink but if I saw her being able to drink and enjoy I would want to drink. I am concerned also because I know where here drinking took her to. And it might not get like that straight away but it might sometime. I don't actually think that drinking is my problem. I think I drank because of all the other addictive behaviours. The psych doesn't view them as addictions. He views them as a result of childhood issues. Music to an addict’s ear!!! Alarming really how little he knew about addiction at all. I was taken onto the ATP where I was diagnosed with anorexia and alcoholism and I was using drugs too. The funny thing is that the abstinence and the programme has actually been incredibly good for my change of being and growth as a person. But it would be nice to be able to have an occasional drink. Would I drink occasionally or would it escalate quickly. Who knows? Am I prepared to take that risk? Just for today no I'm not. Funny how big it is in my mind though and there I am thinking about ML with concern. I need to be concerned for myself and share that at a meeting.
Grace
elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
favor or good will
I was sharing that I thought grace came to me as a feeling deep within. It is a culmination for me of acceptance and forgiveness, of letting go and gratitude. It is being humble and also thoughtful towards myself and to others.
I did not feel any grace within me in the turmoil that resulted in hurt, fear and anger at the loss of my relationship. No, no, no. That was the opposite of grace. And I am not pleased about that at all. If I had been gracious I would have taken time away from the relationship without any further ado and allowed time to heal me. Unfortunately I thought yet again that it might be possible to make a transition towards friendship but I hurt far too much. Yes grace would have been accepting that hurt and moving away without trying to fight the situation and try to alter it. I wanted him to love me my way. The same with SH. I knew it was over long before it was over. But I was so scared and so hurt. Odd really as I already knew I didn't actually love him or want to be within the relationship the way things were. I did think there was an opportunity to work through things but he wanted things his way and I did not. So it was at its end. I was not gracious in my hurting though. Despite not wanting the relationship any break up hurts like hell. I want to be loved you see, so desperately. So it was not with grace that I thought of JH or SH in these cases. I did not feel grace inside and I did not act with grace towards them. For that I am sorry. I have been shown this by the Universe and hope that I can learn and grow from this awareness.
This is my lesson. Not to need to be loved from outside. I can love myself and know that I never have to be alone if I keep in contact with the Universe. I do not feel alone now writing. Or when I am taking photographs. I am beginning not to need people to see them. They are my photos and I have them as a record.
I still think it would be fun to create this exhibition. I might ask at The Barn about holding it there. Or take a look at the empty shops in Farnham and contact the council offices to enquire. CD said she didn't mind where it was so long as she wasn't expected to travel a lot to sort things out. Just need some local friends to want to be involved.
I have such a headache ..... I am not sure I can actually read. I think it is developing into a migraine. I had it yesterday as well. I noticed my vision was fringed on Tuesday. And I have been having trouble remembering words again. I will take some medication as I cannot bear the pain that a migraine brings. I never used to take medication for headaches. I wonder Universe when I might have relief from all of this. I think it is hormonal linked still. The neurologist and psychiatrist seem not to agree but do think that is magnifying everything. Humph!!
Bliss
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