Stop thinking that you have to make it happen Bliss and let it happen ......
That you have to be better, and be yourself
That I've ever judged you and be free
The Universe
I like this reading - powerlessness and acceptance of it means I can let go and relax.
So long as I have put my action in ......
If and when I can take this on board, I feel so calm and free and peaceful.
I had a sense of this briefly this morning - just let everyone be as they are and be myself too - generally I have quite a happy disposition. Not thought when I am trying tos econd guess what everyone esle is thinking. Oh no! Then I am in turmoil and usually very negative. I get paranoid and everyone is against me.
Oh my gosh! I think it's flipping well hormonally magnified too. At times these last few days my thoughts have been pure lunacy - people telling me lies, or at least hiding the truth from me. Not really likeing me at all. Any nice behaviour is actually just a cover for all the shitty stuff being done behind my back. Gosh it must be a nightmare at times trying to be my friend.
I saw E the other morning. She said she had a sore throat and was feeling generally grotty. She was less than friendly towards me. I have spent the last 3 days trying to work out exactly what I have done wrong that has annoyed her so much with me. I have replayed recent weeks of conversations. Almost verbatim. Do you do that? And how bloody self centred!!!!! Everything is about me.
And then I thought I had upset M. I had written on Skype that I thought she was grumpy and then thought she had seen it. Not only that I thought she was judging me on an issue of behaviour that we have differing opinions about.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr I am mental
Gosh I just heard my friend in such pain. I am so so scared of being hurt. I feel real love for JH. I hate my insecurity and paranoia and am working on this within myself.
I am putting trust in him because he says I can. I like him so much and love him so much.
But as my feelings are intensifying I am becoming more afraid of being hurt. It's so sad.
I do not want my fear or my insecurity to stand in the way of my love for him or stop him from being able to love me.
I truly enjoy all that is rich about the way I see we are together. If I can keep things in today, then everything that has been in this day with JH has been lovely. I could do with more just because I like the interactions and communication between us. I like how I feel.
As soon as I think beyond this moment and into tomorrow - argghhh - the projection can be annoying.
So in today - i feel fondness and love. I smile with the funny things that pass between us, the silliness at time, the hours and hours of talking about things. Our thoughts around elements of our relationship (think we certainly analyse a lot and maybe this is not so healthy - I don't know, any thoughts??)
I am so so looking forward to being with JH on Saturday evening.
So the Universe' message is so appropriate. I am in a beautiful relationship with JH. I so enjoy it. I love the feeling that comes with loving and being loved. Enjoy - stop trying to make things happen and be myself just as I am. I am enough!!!
The groups and 1:1's today seemed easier. The migraine symptoms are mainly easing. There have been a few moments when I have felt clumsy and not seem things clearly. And of course the tracking of what is being said and the meaning has the eluded me.
I feel so sad for one client who just cannot see beyond her self-berating. I truly think she needs some long term help. She has a lot to come to terms with. Sometimes there is a client that really touched my heart and she is one of them. Dual diagnosis - so horrid to see the confusion brough on my MD.
Anyway there was some good work in group. Enjoyed the Step One lecture I gave. he he - so long as I enjoyed it as P would say then that's all that matters!!! Ha ha hahahahah
Pah, I have eaten too much this evening - feeling fat! Grrrrrr
OK now I am either going to watch a film OR go back n SL. SL isn't that inspiring this evening - actually I have not bothered to explore places really. Catching up with a few of the characters I met.
And that's it. It is very different now that I am consciously not being flirtatious with or without any motives.
I did think that trust takes time, and faith grows with consistency. So in reality, like my very very wonderful friends, the trust in them and the faith has grown over all the time I have met them. I also grown to like and love them. Some people have fallen off my bandwagon as they did not live up to the person they presented. That's the way of things I guess and how we learn to put boundaries down and still the other person is about and even close.
I have been getting a little confused. M spoke about the amount of time JH and I are speaking. I mentioned it to E too. Both thought it a lot but neither are judging outwardly. I said something to JH about me thinking we were talking a lot. Actually I am loving it and so said this because in my nutty hormonal madness i thought i should to appease them. Grrr at me. I am not keeping things very clear. Jeez hormones are a bloody nuisance when they do this ort of thing. Not a great natural evolving system. Hormones are clearly necessary but have not evolved without curses. They should have developed a way of functioning without messing up other things like my sanity he he he he he.
At least I have some clarity now of what is being said and patterns that I can pick out. I am best in group after about the second week and the clients are starting to move forward slowly. I am not so good and become quite controlling whilst they are in the first 2 weeks. I am not good with the chaos and then don;t like my controlling behaviour. Never like it when I emerge as controlling. Something is very wrong as my usually other unhealthy mode of operandi would be to be completely passive.
Learning there is in betweenie land.
Want to tell JH that my reason for talking about time talking is not because i think anything is wrong.
I hope he makes contact with me this evening after his time out and about. I love him and miss him. Everyone is also saying that it is not easy to have a long distance relationship. Well I know for one thing I want to be with him more and more.
Gosh it's weird thinking he might read this.
Not only my slushy stuff but also my appalling English - lack of colour and creation with my words. I would like a more extensive vocabulary but I don't do anything to help with this. I need to read more I think.
Thursday 29 July 2010
Monday 26 July 2010
Friends Galore and a few more
There's never just one right answer Bliss,
And there's never just one right question
the Universe
I like this - fluidity.
Yuch! More feebleness. I went to the GP today. Oh my G. She had to examine me. The loss of any dignity at the hands of this woman who simply treats the body as something of medical interest. I commented on how I could not do her work and at that point we entered into conversation about how she is fascinated. Yuch.
And so as a result I have now to attend another more specialised examination - grrrrrr.
It seems that the days of going to the doc and being sent away are over. Now every visit results in something else. Maybe I am making a fuss. To be honest it was not me that thought I should go. I made the appointment and went because others were more concerned than I was. Well it seems there is more to investigate.
THEN .... as if I didn't put myself through enough I called Dr D the head doc - from one end to the other. He said the MRI results were good - no lesions or signs of any damage. So it told him about yesterday and the symptoms of disassociation. He mentioned a word I do not want to even repeat beginning with e. I am certain this is migraine but they seem to be looking for other things. It's the fact I rarely get a piercing headache just a sort of vision problem where there is an impression of not seeing everything. And words, even though I know them. don't seem to string together or make sense. I have felt nauseous too. All symptoms of migraine. He now will be suggesting I see a "higher" level consultant. Grrrrrrrrrr. Dr D asked me if when I hear the words do I think I hear them - ha ha ha - I think he was ewdging towards locking me up and getting rid of the problem for him all together. We all know I am insane but I don't hear voices - the invisible people talk a lot of sense I think!!!!!!!
I want it all to stop and just return to happy, healthy me!
Oh and then JB got very upset worrying about me. Gosh he really was very concerned. I joked about him being the lucky one because if I am losing the plot I won;t remember that he is ill nad he can't keep telling me as if its the first time and get it off his chest on a daily basis.
Ha! He was too upset to see the funny side fully I think. I was touched at how concerned he is and how much I matter to him. I am so lucky to have the friendships that I have. And I keep seeing how many I have. I always think it's limited to one or two but actually there are quite a lot of people who offer me real big friendship.
JH, M and E and A - JB, A and G, R, mmmm is that it? Surely not. Oh yes K, H and little h, R, K,
S, mmmm well that's it for the moment. There are more I am sure he he he he. Oh P at some level.
Hope anyone reading this doesn't realise their intial is missing................
I have studied today - not as much as I need to. However, I am interested and "getting" it. I just need to write the essay now. I will try to write some each evening so that it is done for Friday.
I so know I will not do it but have to. It is not going to be my best price of work yet again but I do weant to submit something to increase my average mark to at least a pass. I am disappointed with my efforts this year. At the same time I want to try and give myself a break. Apart from being more enthusiastiv about my love for JH and being with him albeit via the ether - I am also working full time which I was not doing last year. Not only is itfull time but extra hours to boot. Lots of extra hours and a very long journey - which is becoming increasingly difficult to sustain. Cost of petrol for one thing but also my tiredness after a demanding day.
I would like a job closer to home but equally as rewarding and within positive working environment too. I will write this as if writing to the Universe too. Hello Universe - more local job, reasonable hours and a decent remuneration, opportunity for training and a good working environment with fully supportive meanagement and a good team. Regular clientele and reliable income is important too. Some stability and appreciation for dependable and consistent input.
I would be really interested in the opportunity to expand my own knowledge in my work and equine therapy is one area I am keen to explore amongst other qualifications and growth through experience.
Mmmm I am sure I can add to the list - not quite sure how to satrt my part in this action but at least making a start by asking you Universe for things that are coming to mind instantly. Always wary what I am asking for incase I get it without having covered every aspect tee hee. I know you Universe and your sense of humour.
Anyway I am listening too for your ideas and all the routes that you might send the messages.
I haven't really written about JH. Reason - he might be reading about himself!!!!
I have already modified my earlier posts because I didn;t think it was appropriate reading. This is aplace for me to write very very frankly indeed. I am very happy for him to be aware of this blog. I am not sure how healthy it is for me to write everything.
Things that I will write about - my destructive insecurity and how it manifests. I find it so so ugly.
Well the incredible feelings deep inside of me - these are surely spiritual. They are augmenting as the intimacy I have with JH deepens. Honesty and openness. I get scared too. I will write about that
There is much to write about this relationship. I have much to share with you
Love Bliss
And there's never just one right question
the Universe
I like this - fluidity.
Yuch! More feebleness. I went to the GP today. Oh my G. She had to examine me. The loss of any dignity at the hands of this woman who simply treats the body as something of medical interest. I commented on how I could not do her work and at that point we entered into conversation about how she is fascinated. Yuch.
And so as a result I have now to attend another more specialised examination - grrrrrr.
It seems that the days of going to the doc and being sent away are over. Now every visit results in something else. Maybe I am making a fuss. To be honest it was not me that thought I should go. I made the appointment and went because others were more concerned than I was. Well it seems there is more to investigate.
THEN .... as if I didn't put myself through enough I called Dr D the head doc - from one end to the other. He said the MRI results were good - no lesions or signs of any damage. So it told him about yesterday and the symptoms of disassociation. He mentioned a word I do not want to even repeat beginning with e. I am certain this is migraine but they seem to be looking for other things. It's the fact I rarely get a piercing headache just a sort of vision problem where there is an impression of not seeing everything. And words, even though I know them. don't seem to string together or make sense. I have felt nauseous too. All symptoms of migraine. He now will be suggesting I see a "higher" level consultant. Grrrrrrrrrr. Dr D asked me if when I hear the words do I think I hear them - ha ha ha - I think he was ewdging towards locking me up and getting rid of the problem for him all together. We all know I am insane but I don't hear voices - the invisible people talk a lot of sense I think!!!!!!!
I want it all to stop and just return to happy, healthy me!
Oh and then JB got very upset worrying about me. Gosh he really was very concerned. I joked about him being the lucky one because if I am losing the plot I won;t remember that he is ill nad he can't keep telling me as if its the first time and get it off his chest on a daily basis.
Ha! He was too upset to see the funny side fully I think. I was touched at how concerned he is and how much I matter to him. I am so lucky to have the friendships that I have. And I keep seeing how many I have. I always think it's limited to one or two but actually there are quite a lot of people who offer me real big friendship.
JH, M and E and A - JB, A and G, R, mmmm is that it? Surely not. Oh yes K, H and little h, R, K,
S, mmmm well that's it for the moment. There are more I am sure he he he he. Oh P at some level.
Hope anyone reading this doesn't realise their intial is missing................
I have studied today - not as much as I need to. However, I am interested and "getting" it. I just need to write the essay now. I will try to write some each evening so that it is done for Friday.
I so know I will not do it but have to. It is not going to be my best price of work yet again but I do weant to submit something to increase my average mark to at least a pass. I am disappointed with my efforts this year. At the same time I want to try and give myself a break. Apart from being more enthusiastiv about my love for JH and being with him albeit via the ether - I am also working full time which I was not doing last year. Not only is itfull time but extra hours to boot. Lots of extra hours and a very long journey - which is becoming increasingly difficult to sustain. Cost of petrol for one thing but also my tiredness after a demanding day.
I would like a job closer to home but equally as rewarding and within positive working environment too. I will write this as if writing to the Universe too. Hello Universe - more local job, reasonable hours and a decent remuneration, opportunity for training and a good working environment with fully supportive meanagement and a good team. Regular clientele and reliable income is important too. Some stability and appreciation for dependable and consistent input.
I would be really interested in the opportunity to expand my own knowledge in my work and equine therapy is one area I am keen to explore amongst other qualifications and growth through experience.
Mmmm I am sure I can add to the list - not quite sure how to satrt my part in this action but at least making a start by asking you Universe for things that are coming to mind instantly. Always wary what I am asking for incase I get it without having covered every aspect tee hee. I know you Universe and your sense of humour.
Anyway I am listening too for your ideas and all the routes that you might send the messages.
I haven't really written about JH. Reason - he might be reading about himself!!!!
I have already modified my earlier posts because I didn;t think it was appropriate reading. This is aplace for me to write very very frankly indeed. I am very happy for him to be aware of this blog. I am not sure how healthy it is for me to write everything.
Things that I will write about - my destructive insecurity and how it manifests. I find it so so ugly.
Well the incredible feelings deep inside of me - these are surely spiritual. They are augmenting as the intimacy I have with JH deepens. Honesty and openness. I get scared too. I will write about that
There is much to write about this relationship. I have much to share with you
Love Bliss
Sunday 25 July 2010
Feebility????????
M is back! It's lovely to have her here.
I felt ill this morning. A really odd sensation. As if I am not connected to my brain. Sensory information is being taken in and even seems famiiar but it is not making sense. This surely is migraine. My vision seems impaired and words seem not to make sense. It's a sort of dissociation. It scares me that I might stay in that state and never associate or reconnect properly again. What a horrid state to be left in. I do not relish the idea of being stuck in my body. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly had a really profound effect on me - and the recent news item I heard of a man also in the locked in syndrome. How absolutely terrifying like being buried alive too.
I had to take myself to bed. I slept apparently for about 45 minutes. It made me laugh too because J had called and M spoke to him. Then E called and M spoke to her too. M has been in contact with y friends more than I have today.
I did gradually come together through the day (I am now writing this on Monday - thefollowing day).
I just felt feeble and feel so ashamed of feeling ill and showing my weakness. Grrrr.
I felt ill this morning. A really odd sensation. As if I am not connected to my brain. Sensory information is being taken in and even seems famiiar but it is not making sense. This surely is migraine. My vision seems impaired and words seem not to make sense. It's a sort of dissociation. It scares me that I might stay in that state and never associate or reconnect properly again. What a horrid state to be left in. I do not relish the idea of being stuck in my body. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly had a really profound effect on me - and the recent news item I heard of a man also in the locked in syndrome. How absolutely terrifying like being buried alive too.
I had to take myself to bed. I slept apparently for about 45 minutes. It made me laugh too because J had called and M spoke to him. Then E called and M spoke to her too. M has been in contact with y friends more than I have today.
I did gradually come together through the day (I am now writing this on Monday - thefollowing day).
I just felt feeble and feel so ashamed of feeling ill and showing my weakness. Grrrr.
Friday 23 July 2010
This crazy thing called LOVE
Be Still Bliss
Stop thinking
Feel
Take action
Visualise
Repeat
Yours, The Universe
I like this - I have heard it before in various forms so when the Universe sent it to me this morning, it centred me. It felt warm and loving and gentle.
I have faith in this. After all I have written to the Universe now on several occasions and then the action has become apparent. Nothing happens without action on my part. The visualisation I used to think was me being greedy or wishful thinking and to be more realistic. But in visualising now it seems to bring to life - it's different from fantasy.
I have lived with fantasy since a little girl. I had perfect parents and the perfect family in which I wasn't the only child. I had a big brother who protected me. And everyone was happy all of the time. I did everything right. It was perfect - hazy, sunny days with smiles and happiness.
I had to have that it seems as living the reality was not easy for me. Fantasy though has brought with it difficulty in adulthood. Nothing could ever live up to expectation. Reality was always so horrid compared to fantasy. This meant constantly moving as soon as reality started not to match up - and of course it had never matched up. Exhausting always being on the move.
But to visualise - well it helps to see the general direction - an overview. Sometimes it can even reveal some pitfalls (so long as that doesn't become the reason why not to pursue it). Visualising can also reveal the steps to take although think I see those currently in hindsight. Actually, I might think they are pitfalls along the way and realise on meeting my realised visualisation that actually it was all perfect in its imperfect way. Of course that's whilst things are going well.
Oh yes when things are tough - gosh do I get stuck in the quagmire of emotions. It can feel like it's sucking me in, like a whirlpool. I am struggling against it, fighting to breathe every time I come up for air. Silly thing is I have heard time and again to relax, lie back and observe. And just yesterday I heard how a man survived what appeared to be certain death when being suck down by a current. He waved to his wife on the beach signalling his surrender and preparation for death. At that point of surrender he relaxed on his back in the sea. The sea that was trying to take him suddenly saved his life. He was thrown onto the rocks and badly lacerated, but saved from death nonetheless. Zut alors! if only I could apply this when life seems to be sucking me to death.
Well I am working towards this. I get closer to being an observer of self. It takes days sometimes long, painful days and extreme reactions that amount to what I consider horrid reactions and behaviour. However, with some time I can observe me. I wonder if there is a day when I can observe as it's happening. You know what? I think this does happen. Yes it really does.
For example, I can identify emotions that to me seem positive. I can stop and acknowledge how I am feeling and therefore observe how i respond to this feeling. I think there are time when I can even do this with emotions I find less appealing. I notice how I get frustrated when clients, for example, are late for group. I see my frustration and how that could easily slip out onto the clients. I feel snappy and intolerant inside. I have to notice this and be able to step aside from myself. I can then express this in a therapeutic manner. To let people know how I am feeling and how that might manifest in me, in turn potentially creating awkwardness in the ongoing liaison.
BY doing this it often then enables them to look at what their own motives are. It creates self awarenesss, creating choices.
Zoots! If only it were that easy to do all the time. Emotions can swamp me, just like the current trapped the man. And then it pulls me down into it, even when I am fighting it, it is so much more powerful than I am until I start to accept it and look at it differently. As JH told me about his look at pain. Taking it out, having a real good look at it. Bring the emotion into my hand. Hold it up to the light and have a look through it and see it from different angles too. Yes yes yes - I would like to get to this point at some point - with all emotions and actions. Self understanding and exploration. How exciting an adventure. Seeing me in the moment of every situation I am in, interacting with people, events.
I feel very vulnerable writing this blog. People reading it, well it means that they have another look into me - into me you see - intimacy.
And I am shy and feel somewhat ashamed for being the person I am - how sad that the message I have picked up along the way is that it is not OK to be me.
Today I feel elation. I feel love, I feel loved and I feel in love.
With this I am grateful to have this experience. Don't get me wrong I have felt love before - and I have felt it in different ways with different individuals.
So anyway I am in love. I find it really difficult to find words to really define what this means. It is beyond words, well my words at this time. I like JH very much, what I know of him. I love him for the him he is. Just like I love L and M and A for the way they are. We have common principles and values it seems in many areas and ethically or morally similar. I am not sure if there is a real difference between ethics and morals but throw them both in there just in case.
Anyway, back to my favourite subject right now. JH
Mmm, it suddenly became interesting choosing a colour to represent JH then. The colour seems wrong somehow. It is more JH ..... mmmm is that right?
Well lets go with that for a while and see. Much more centred and grounded colour which feels right but somehow is not incorporating the high spiritual sense. Perhaps it is JH
Somehow it seems wrong to have two colours as well. Mmmmm this feels good.
So JH.
I wrote to the Universe asking to meet someone. I stopped thinking. I felt. I put some action in I visualised (without fantasy) then this led to more action even though I didn't realise fully I was putting action in. And then we met.
At first in writing. The very first written words aroused something in me. The location did concern me but certainly something was aroused in me and I can still feel that feeling in me. I will try to describe it.
There was a real sense of calm and simplicity. Within that was a feel of excitement no more than that enthrallment. Is that even a word??? Enthralled.
From just a few words - well 5 months later I am in love. I feel a passion within my soul and my spirit is filled with sparkles.
Colour change required - mmmm yes this is possible.
I need to go and study and have come to a point where I don't know how to describe what it is that is within me. It is precious and to be treasured. That I know.
Life experiences creep in and bring fear. However, if I remain in the current, this is nothing but beautiful. Even the difficulties are beautiful in hindsight.
"Suddenly I am in love with everything" The rhythm of this line is the rhythm I feel with the Universe right at this time. Badly Drawn Boy is the creator of the words that create the rhythm
I can also feel.
I would like a future with JH. I am not sure what this looks like. I am visualising. I was thinking too much so trying to practice what the Universe has reminded me so well is pointless. I will write to the Universe with my thoughts and I have a visualisation that makes little sense right now but looks lovely. So my starting action is to write to U.
Funny word Universe - uni verse - one part - somehow it implies only one part of many and yet Universe implies infinity and beyond.
Well this is gross avoidance now of studying. I need to wash up - make coffee - walk LouLou and read read read. This evening I am going to a meeting - a long needed meeting. And afterwards I will have coffee with A. lovely. Time with good friends. I have great people in my life. Is it OK to say that I see these people as always being in my life regardless of the twists and turns that make takes us at times into different corners. It seems slushy romance to say that I would like JH in my life forever. But it's one way of describing the love I feel.
Work is draining me right now. I go through phases like this I think and this phase follows a particularly busy time numbers wise and more recently some very public relapsing. Phew its been ugly.
I am quite fraught at work. Wanting things to be different - not going with the flow of others. However, I have been able to be more free flowing with clients who are keeping going so that's indication I am not completely lost. Time off is just what I need. In this job I think I am more needy than ever of regular breaks away. And this flipping studying has not created time away just relaxing. So I am looking forward to my week off next week to be with JH. First and foremost that is the whole reason for taking the holiday. A secondary value is the time away doing other things.
Yum yum.
An earlier message from the Universe to share with you ..........
Please tell anyone who wants to know Bliss, that a dream not followed by consistent action, however humble or small the actions may be, points to either a huge contradiction or massive misunderstanding.
Because when people get clear and realise just how powerful they really are, wild horses can't stop them from taking even the humblest of baby steps, everyday.
tee hee The Universe
I liked this too .....
If your inner voice makes you more generous, courageous and self-honest, then listen to it. If it makes you more Uppish, then ignore it. Joan of Arc you ain't!
Rabbi Lionel Blue said that.
AND
Even under a cloud the human spirit may still stand on tiptoe to touch the stars!
Come out, come out where ever you are and touch the stars with me.
Love from Bliss
Stop thinking
Feel
Take action
Visualise
Repeat
Yours, The Universe
I like this - I have heard it before in various forms so when the Universe sent it to me this morning, it centred me. It felt warm and loving and gentle.
I have faith in this. After all I have written to the Universe now on several occasions and then the action has become apparent. Nothing happens without action on my part. The visualisation I used to think was me being greedy or wishful thinking and to be more realistic. But in visualising now it seems to bring to life - it's different from fantasy.
I have lived with fantasy since a little girl. I had perfect parents and the perfect family in which I wasn't the only child. I had a big brother who protected me. And everyone was happy all of the time. I did everything right. It was perfect - hazy, sunny days with smiles and happiness.
I had to have that it seems as living the reality was not easy for me. Fantasy though has brought with it difficulty in adulthood. Nothing could ever live up to expectation. Reality was always so horrid compared to fantasy. This meant constantly moving as soon as reality started not to match up - and of course it had never matched up. Exhausting always being on the move.
But to visualise - well it helps to see the general direction - an overview. Sometimes it can even reveal some pitfalls (so long as that doesn't become the reason why not to pursue it). Visualising can also reveal the steps to take although think I see those currently in hindsight. Actually, I might think they are pitfalls along the way and realise on meeting my realised visualisation that actually it was all perfect in its imperfect way. Of course that's whilst things are going well.
Oh yes when things are tough - gosh do I get stuck in the quagmire of emotions. It can feel like it's sucking me in, like a whirlpool. I am struggling against it, fighting to breathe every time I come up for air. Silly thing is I have heard time and again to relax, lie back and observe. And just yesterday I heard how a man survived what appeared to be certain death when being suck down by a current. He waved to his wife on the beach signalling his surrender and preparation for death. At that point of surrender he relaxed on his back in the sea. The sea that was trying to take him suddenly saved his life. He was thrown onto the rocks and badly lacerated, but saved from death nonetheless. Zut alors! if only I could apply this when life seems to be sucking me to death.
Well I am working towards this. I get closer to being an observer of self. It takes days sometimes long, painful days and extreme reactions that amount to what I consider horrid reactions and behaviour. However, with some time I can observe me. I wonder if there is a day when I can observe as it's happening. You know what? I think this does happen. Yes it really does.
For example, I can identify emotions that to me seem positive. I can stop and acknowledge how I am feeling and therefore observe how i respond to this feeling. I think there are time when I can even do this with emotions I find less appealing. I notice how I get frustrated when clients, for example, are late for group. I see my frustration and how that could easily slip out onto the clients. I feel snappy and intolerant inside. I have to notice this and be able to step aside from myself. I can then express this in a therapeutic manner. To let people know how I am feeling and how that might manifest in me, in turn potentially creating awkwardness in the ongoing liaison.
BY doing this it often then enables them to look at what their own motives are. It creates self awarenesss, creating choices.
Zoots! If only it were that easy to do all the time. Emotions can swamp me, just like the current trapped the man. And then it pulls me down into it, even when I am fighting it, it is so much more powerful than I am until I start to accept it and look at it differently. As JH told me about his look at pain. Taking it out, having a real good look at it. Bring the emotion into my hand. Hold it up to the light and have a look through it and see it from different angles too. Yes yes yes - I would like to get to this point at some point - with all emotions and actions. Self understanding and exploration. How exciting an adventure. Seeing me in the moment of every situation I am in, interacting with people, events.
I feel very vulnerable writing this blog. People reading it, well it means that they have another look into me - into me you see - intimacy.
And I am shy and feel somewhat ashamed for being the person I am - how sad that the message I have picked up along the way is that it is not OK to be me.
Today I feel elation. I feel love, I feel loved and I feel in love.
With this I am grateful to have this experience. Don't get me wrong I have felt love before - and I have felt it in different ways with different individuals.
So anyway I am in love. I find it really difficult to find words to really define what this means. It is beyond words, well my words at this time. I like JH very much, what I know of him. I love him for the him he is. Just like I love L and M and A for the way they are. We have common principles and values it seems in many areas and ethically or morally similar. I am not sure if there is a real difference between ethics and morals but throw them both in there just in case.
Anyway, back to my favourite subject right now. JH
Mmm, it suddenly became interesting choosing a colour to represent JH then. The colour seems wrong somehow. It is more JH ..... mmmm is that right?
Well lets go with that for a while and see. Much more centred and grounded colour which feels right but somehow is not incorporating the high spiritual sense. Perhaps it is JH
Somehow it seems wrong to have two colours as well. Mmmmm this feels good.
So JH.
I wrote to the Universe asking to meet someone. I stopped thinking. I felt. I put some action in I visualised (without fantasy) then this led to more action even though I didn't realise fully I was putting action in. And then we met.
At first in writing. The very first written words aroused something in me. The location did concern me but certainly something was aroused in me and I can still feel that feeling in me. I will try to describe it.
There was a real sense of calm and simplicity. Within that was a feel of excitement no more than that enthrallment. Is that even a word??? Enthralled.
From just a few words - well 5 months later I am in love. I feel a passion within my soul and my spirit is filled with sparkles.
Colour change required - mmmm yes this is possible.
I need to go and study and have come to a point where I don't know how to describe what it is that is within me. It is precious and to be treasured. That I know.
Life experiences creep in and bring fear. However, if I remain in the current, this is nothing but beautiful. Even the difficulties are beautiful in hindsight.
"Suddenly I am in love with everything" The rhythm of this line is the rhythm I feel with the Universe right at this time. Badly Drawn Boy is the creator of the words that create the rhythm
I can also feel.
I would like a future with JH. I am not sure what this looks like. I am visualising. I was thinking too much so trying to practice what the Universe has reminded me so well is pointless. I will write to the Universe with my thoughts and I have a visualisation that makes little sense right now but looks lovely. So my starting action is to write to U.
Funny word Universe - uni verse - one part - somehow it implies only one part of many and yet Universe implies infinity and beyond.
Well this is gross avoidance now of studying. I need to wash up - make coffee - walk LouLou and read read read. This evening I am going to a meeting - a long needed meeting. And afterwards I will have coffee with A. lovely. Time with good friends. I have great people in my life. Is it OK to say that I see these people as always being in my life regardless of the twists and turns that make takes us at times into different corners. It seems slushy romance to say that I would like JH in my life forever. But it's one way of describing the love I feel.
Work is draining me right now. I go through phases like this I think and this phase follows a particularly busy time numbers wise and more recently some very public relapsing. Phew its been ugly.
I am quite fraught at work. Wanting things to be different - not going with the flow of others. However, I have been able to be more free flowing with clients who are keeping going so that's indication I am not completely lost. Time off is just what I need. In this job I think I am more needy than ever of regular breaks away. And this flipping studying has not created time away just relaxing. So I am looking forward to my week off next week to be with JH. First and foremost that is the whole reason for taking the holiday. A secondary value is the time away doing other things.
Yum yum.
An earlier message from the Universe to share with you ..........
Please tell anyone who wants to know Bliss, that a dream not followed by consistent action, however humble or small the actions may be, points to either a huge contradiction or massive misunderstanding.
Because when people get clear and realise just how powerful they really are, wild horses can't stop them from taking even the humblest of baby steps, everyday.
tee hee The Universe
I liked this too .....
If your inner voice makes you more generous, courageous and self-honest, then listen to it. If it makes you more Uppish, then ignore it. Joan of Arc you ain't!
Rabbi Lionel Blue said that.
AND
Even under a cloud the human spirit may still stand on tiptoe to touch the stars!
Come out, come out where ever you are and touch the stars with me.
Love from Bliss
Sunday 11 July 2010
Is this change on it's way?
Should I be disappointed? NO! It seems I live in hope at such a deep level I don't even recognise it.
My dad. He had left a message to say he had called a few weeks ago. To begin with I was waiting for him to call me. Nothing. Until this evening. I arrived home probably about 8pm and he had tried calling at 6pm. Grr at me yet again. In my hope I telephoned him in response. It was exactly how it always has been. Because I called hin he was dismissive - as quickly as he could.
I can choose to learn acceptance. I did not change. He did not change.
I am on the brink of going into the normal downward spin. But I would like to deal with this differently.
He and I are incapable it seems of being any different with each other. I am no onger in my past and I am tired of it being the so influential in my today. I think there may be some healing going and some growth
yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee
Maybe
I feel a little low but not desperate
My dad. He had left a message to say he had called a few weeks ago. To begin with I was waiting for him to call me. Nothing. Until this evening. I arrived home probably about 8pm and he had tried calling at 6pm. Grr at me yet again. In my hope I telephoned him in response. It was exactly how it always has been. Because I called hin he was dismissive - as quickly as he could.
I can choose to learn acceptance. I did not change. He did not change.
I am on the brink of going into the normal downward spin. But I would like to deal with this differently.
He and I are incapable it seems of being any different with each other. I am no onger in my past and I am tired of it being the so influential in my today. I think there may be some healing going and some growth
yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee
Maybe
I feel a little low but not desperate
Friday 9 July 2010
Dis-ease of more and Ayahuasca healing
It is such a long time since I have been bothered to write on this blog thing. It seemed such a good idea at the time - a way to stay focused when agonising and brain tripping as I attempted to write assignments. This year I have been less focused on my studying. That disappoints me but it is simply the way it is. Working full time and taking into consideration the ridiculously long winding but still beautiful journey to and from work, it is not surprising I am less than enthusiastic to then open my books. Plus I have realised that my motivation is low as I am less inspired by this topic. It sounds arrogant and do not feel good about this, but it seems all too obvious. So my learning is really about evidence to support theories. Last year was far more enlightening. It should be no surprise to me as this very perspective which was touched on briefly was also the part of last years course that least interested me.
And YES I KNOW it is within me to delve in and draw out the inspiration and interest within me. Grrrr don;t you just hate when someone is wise to these things and throws them back!!! He he he.
So today I should really be preparing to leave for Warwick Uni. By applying myself in this way I an hoping and very positively not just a token gesture, that I will reignite my interest and spark.
Recently I have been considering whether I could give up work and go to Uni rather than continue for another 3 years. Alternatively I have considered changing my degree to be more directly linked with my work. I am just not sure. I think my motive for change is a sense of urgency that is not real. So possibly need to stick with my original plan. Overall, I love the subject. A contributing problem is my desire for more grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And other factors involve creating more freedom. And more earning potential. Lots to consider - as always.
At times a part of me getting stuck is financial insecurity but it doesn't how much I have ever had I have felt insecure financially. The more I have the more insecure. Over responsibility can turns into avarice, gluttony and greed and no responsibility well might breed envy and probably sloth is a contribution and is it greed?
Anyway there I go again blah blah blah. I am writing this as I am avoiding do some chores - sloth - ugh I am sloth ful around some things. Admittedly I am tired - tired as a result of workloads and late nights - ha. Choices.
There is so much to say if I were to try and catch up on news since last posting anything here.
I am ashamed to say I withdrew some postings for fear of being me. I am ashamed to say that because actually it is another way of not honouring me. I am me and contributing to that is my life's experiences. Simply in the knowing that I am less than proud of some behaviours and choices I have made is evidence to me that I am NOT that person. At the time I made skewed choices. And even as it was going on I felt more of my spirit dye. How wonderful that something enabled me to allow me to see things differently, make changes and allow my spirit to light up again. I still have contact with some people from different walks of my journey that have not been able to break free and some seem quite content with their lot despite it seeming from my perspective to be killing them. I am sure that will be me loading on them the feeling of soulessness I had felt. Perhaps they really are content.
I know H isn't. She is a searcher too. I hurt for her. I witness her beauty and spark of life frequently. A H2 has that same alive spirit. I feel so dreadful standing by helpless, having to let them choose their paths. My only influence can be to travel my own path and hope that they might want something different too. I trust that the Universe will take care of this. I pray for H and H2 a long with A every time I stop and think about them. I feel grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
So - since writing BLOG last - I did stop contact with C. Occasionally I receive a message from him but I have no desire to allow myself to be disrespected.
Pleased with my progress in having worth for myself and choosing to have people around me that also wish to honour that.
SL - my far too much to put here in this moment. Keep in mind SL - don;t allow me to forget to tell you.
Swine flu, Happiness and SL - what a combination - a little cocktail that has been like almost like the healing mechanism of Ayahuasca. Far too intricate a journey to even want to summarise and simplify. Like any "trip" there has been surprise, wonder and awe. But the full array of emotions were sprung on - sadness, loss, anger, disappointment. I engaged in a darker side of me. Most surprising was the speed with which I dipped into old attitudes and behaviours, without thought and self observation. Thankfully a short sharp touch of pain was enough to alert all my senses and make instant changes. Thank goodness honesty at deeper levels is so important to me now. Integrity rules KO! And with that comes dignity, which I value so much and it values me.
Such incredible people encounters.
Which of course brings me to JH - mmmm (horrid that he may read this). So not feeling brave enough but more importantly there is no time to give justice to all that my soul has encountered. I have incredible gratitude, amazement, love, and bliss amongst an array of sentiments and emotions that could fill a blog at this very moment, when I consider JH.
Work, work, work. study study study
Yes It's certainly the wrong way around according to my preference but it seems to be the way it is regardless of that I have done within the terms of my employment. I have tried different disciplines to ensure I cover what i need to to. And then the anti at work is upped so there being no room for my study disciplines. I am sure there is a lesson about my work ethics and boundaries. I am probably not enforceful enough with my boundaries - grrrrr to codependency. Having said that my employers have offered a little towards supporting my studies. It is less than I want of them but more than nothing. I need to practice gratitude for that as otherwise resentments build and it is not their fault. I do love the work I am able to do within the safety of this company.
I was a little shaken though with I. I would like to write about this but actually anyone who read it would have to be exterminated because of confidentiality so I feel frustrated as I have so many emotions that I know are being misdirected and developing with a skew as a result of me not being able to talk openly about the facts. I would like someone who is not directly involved to put their outside perspective on things. Currently it is all in my head and the madness of others involved too. Suffice to say this situation caused me a lot of turmoil and there is some residue.
I will write it in my more private journals - so anyone who finds them when I am dead can tie it all up. Wish I had written more during the time as there would surely be lessons to learn from my own thoughts and attitudes and behaviours around that time with other life situations.
Oh well a missed opportunity and I ma certain there will be plenty more.
So work is OK just a lot of it. And as always I feel inadequate but thankfully can rely on the Universe to sort out people's lives. I can just keep reminding myself I am a facilitator to those people who are asking for a pointer and someone to listen and reflect themselves back to them. Really all I have to do is turn up, open the meeting, listen, say be genuine, be respectful, close the meeting - if I can be consistent with that i have done a damned good job in bringing about change.
Ha -if only I could keep things that simple.
Insecurity, difficulties, hatred, disgust with new realisations,simple moments of wonder, joy, tears, walks, friendship, pain for friends in difficulty, excitement for friends making new shapes, grrrrrrr ailments, just a few of the things that come to my mind as happenings over the months.
Really, I am very interested in my insecurity and keep getting glimpses of letting go of it. Then it floods back in - either it's scared of being without me or I'm scared of being without it. Insecure insecurity. Damn that's tough one to overcome!!!!!!!
It's taken many different forms now - so large though I can no longer really avoid looking at it. And in each of the forms it is so bloody painful that I can't avert my eyes to avoid it. uh uh. It is time apparently to really face this full on.
Most recently it presented itself and became so crippling at times. Ugh! I wanted to run away ...
If only I could direct my incredibly thinking into something productive like writing. Wow I have some incredibly stories that run through my mind. And how my senses intensify. Information is received but then the imagination creates - If that could be channelled somehow by me. Instead it cuts me off at the heart and soul. OH MY GOSH! It then is so painful. Self inflicted pain. Of course people and their choices has an impact but what I can do with it. Well it's self destructive.
As I am writing this I am beginning to remind myself not to beat myself up for it. Then at least I can be more accepting and through acceptance comes the possibility for change.
And I was able to try that out for size. I was asked to trust and I chose to when I remembered or was reminded to. And all was well - then I could tell my thinking to float off down the river. The truth will always be revealed without me trying to force it out with my incredibly fertile mind.
This all cam about because a woman was meeting the man I am in love with. Probably there is no need to say more. Wow what a difficult week. I am aware that the eruption within me is gradually settling not settled but suffice to say that I am better able to be an observer of self already. I think there were times of self destruct and wanting to punch out too. But I also see how differently I have been. Not least has been that it is more in the day despite huge projection at times. And yes there is the settling period but it's current and surface not suppressed and stewing.
Nice!
M is moving back but away undertaking her first TEFL post. She sounds frazzled. Concerned.
E is heart broken. Truly heart broken.
A is moving things forward and next month may be pregnant. Bloody hell!!!!!
Ab is Ab - just a little more sociable which I love - visiting galleries with me - loved our last experience at the National. I regret being so uneducated but at the same time celebrate that this then means it is all in the beholding the vision not influenced by status' or skill.
Well I can list all my lovely people in my life
Uhm - what else- there's loads there really is. Clients that touch my soul or my heart but of course I cannot disclose anything. Grrr
Now I am going to get ready and leave. Byeeeee - perhaps I will write more.
As I start to unload the heap of life that has been lived then it can be less summary and more interesting in detail - well that's the hope.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
xxxx
And YES I KNOW it is within me to delve in and draw out the inspiration and interest within me. Grrrr don;t you just hate when someone is wise to these things and throws them back!!! He he he.
So today I should really be preparing to leave for Warwick Uni. By applying myself in this way I an hoping and very positively not just a token gesture, that I will reignite my interest and spark.
Recently I have been considering whether I could give up work and go to Uni rather than continue for another 3 years. Alternatively I have considered changing my degree to be more directly linked with my work. I am just not sure. I think my motive for change is a sense of urgency that is not real. So possibly need to stick with my original plan. Overall, I love the subject. A contributing problem is my desire for more grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And other factors involve creating more freedom. And more earning potential. Lots to consider - as always.
At times a part of me getting stuck is financial insecurity but it doesn't how much I have ever had I have felt insecure financially. The more I have the more insecure. Over responsibility can turns into avarice, gluttony and greed and no responsibility well might breed envy and probably sloth is a contribution and is it greed?
Anyway there I go again blah blah blah. I am writing this as I am avoiding do some chores - sloth - ugh I am sloth ful around some things. Admittedly I am tired - tired as a result of workloads and late nights - ha. Choices.
There is so much to say if I were to try and catch up on news since last posting anything here.
I am ashamed to say I withdrew some postings for fear of being me. I am ashamed to say that because actually it is another way of not honouring me. I am me and contributing to that is my life's experiences. Simply in the knowing that I am less than proud of some behaviours and choices I have made is evidence to me that I am NOT that person. At the time I made skewed choices. And even as it was going on I felt more of my spirit dye. How wonderful that something enabled me to allow me to see things differently, make changes and allow my spirit to light up again. I still have contact with some people from different walks of my journey that have not been able to break free and some seem quite content with their lot despite it seeming from my perspective to be killing them. I am sure that will be me loading on them the feeling of soulessness I had felt. Perhaps they really are content.
I know H isn't. She is a searcher too. I hurt for her. I witness her beauty and spark of life frequently. A H2 has that same alive spirit. I feel so dreadful standing by helpless, having to let them choose their paths. My only influence can be to travel my own path and hope that they might want something different too. I trust that the Universe will take care of this. I pray for H and H2 a long with A every time I stop and think about them. I feel grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
So - since writing BLOG last - I did stop contact with C. Occasionally I receive a message from him but I have no desire to allow myself to be disrespected.
Pleased with my progress in having worth for myself and choosing to have people around me that also wish to honour that.
SL - my far too much to put here in this moment. Keep in mind SL - don;t allow me to forget to tell you.
Swine flu, Happiness and SL - what a combination - a little cocktail that has been like almost like the healing mechanism of Ayahuasca. Far too intricate a journey to even want to summarise and simplify. Like any "trip" there has been surprise, wonder and awe. But the full array of emotions were sprung on - sadness, loss, anger, disappointment. I engaged in a darker side of me. Most surprising was the speed with which I dipped into old attitudes and behaviours, without thought and self observation. Thankfully a short sharp touch of pain was enough to alert all my senses and make instant changes. Thank goodness honesty at deeper levels is so important to me now. Integrity rules KO! And with that comes dignity, which I value so much and it values me.
Such incredible people encounters.
Which of course brings me to JH - mmmm (horrid that he may read this). So not feeling brave enough but more importantly there is no time to give justice to all that my soul has encountered. I have incredible gratitude, amazement, love, and bliss amongst an array of sentiments and emotions that could fill a blog at this very moment, when I consider JH.
Work, work, work. study study study
Yes It's certainly the wrong way around according to my preference but it seems to be the way it is regardless of that I have done within the terms of my employment. I have tried different disciplines to ensure I cover what i need to to. And then the anti at work is upped so there being no room for my study disciplines. I am sure there is a lesson about my work ethics and boundaries. I am probably not enforceful enough with my boundaries - grrrrr to codependency. Having said that my employers have offered a little towards supporting my studies. It is less than I want of them but more than nothing. I need to practice gratitude for that as otherwise resentments build and it is not their fault. I do love the work I am able to do within the safety of this company.
I was a little shaken though with I. I would like to write about this but actually anyone who read it would have to be exterminated because of confidentiality so I feel frustrated as I have so many emotions that I know are being misdirected and developing with a skew as a result of me not being able to talk openly about the facts. I would like someone who is not directly involved to put their outside perspective on things. Currently it is all in my head and the madness of others involved too. Suffice to say this situation caused me a lot of turmoil and there is some residue.
I will write it in my more private journals - so anyone who finds them when I am dead can tie it all up. Wish I had written more during the time as there would surely be lessons to learn from my own thoughts and attitudes and behaviours around that time with other life situations.
Oh well a missed opportunity and I ma certain there will be plenty more.
So work is OK just a lot of it. And as always I feel inadequate but thankfully can rely on the Universe to sort out people's lives. I can just keep reminding myself I am a facilitator to those people who are asking for a pointer and someone to listen and reflect themselves back to them. Really all I have to do is turn up, open the meeting, listen, say be genuine, be respectful, close the meeting - if I can be consistent with that i have done a damned good job in bringing about change.
Ha -if only I could keep things that simple.
Insecurity, difficulties, hatred, disgust with new realisations,simple moments of wonder, joy, tears, walks, friendship, pain for friends in difficulty, excitement for friends making new shapes, grrrrrrr ailments, just a few of the things that come to my mind as happenings over the months.
Really, I am very interested in my insecurity and keep getting glimpses of letting go of it. Then it floods back in - either it's scared of being without me or I'm scared of being without it. Insecure insecurity. Damn that's tough one to overcome!!!!!!!
It's taken many different forms now - so large though I can no longer really avoid looking at it. And in each of the forms it is so bloody painful that I can't avert my eyes to avoid it. uh uh. It is time apparently to really face this full on.
Most recently it presented itself and became so crippling at times. Ugh! I wanted to run away ...
If only I could direct my incredibly thinking into something productive like writing. Wow I have some incredibly stories that run through my mind. And how my senses intensify. Information is received but then the imagination creates - If that could be channelled somehow by me. Instead it cuts me off at the heart and soul. OH MY GOSH! It then is so painful. Self inflicted pain. Of course people and their choices has an impact but what I can do with it. Well it's self destructive.
As I am writing this I am beginning to remind myself not to beat myself up for it. Then at least I can be more accepting and through acceptance comes the possibility for change.
And I was able to try that out for size. I was asked to trust and I chose to when I remembered or was reminded to. And all was well - then I could tell my thinking to float off down the river. The truth will always be revealed without me trying to force it out with my incredibly fertile mind.
This all cam about because a woman was meeting the man I am in love with. Probably there is no need to say more. Wow what a difficult week. I am aware that the eruption within me is gradually settling not settled but suffice to say that I am better able to be an observer of self already. I think there were times of self destruct and wanting to punch out too. But I also see how differently I have been. Not least has been that it is more in the day despite huge projection at times. And yes there is the settling period but it's current and surface not suppressed and stewing.
Nice!
M is moving back but away undertaking her first TEFL post. She sounds frazzled. Concerned.
E is heart broken. Truly heart broken.
A is moving things forward and next month may be pregnant. Bloody hell!!!!!
Ab is Ab - just a little more sociable which I love - visiting galleries with me - loved our last experience at the National. I regret being so uneducated but at the same time celebrate that this then means it is all in the beholding the vision not influenced by status' or skill.
Well I can list all my lovely people in my life
Uhm - what else- there's loads there really is. Clients that touch my soul or my heart but of course I cannot disclose anything. Grrr
Now I am going to get ready and leave. Byeeeee - perhaps I will write more.
As I start to unload the heap of life that has been lived then it can be less summary and more interesting in detail - well that's the hope.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
xxxx
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