I have over eaten this evening. Two things have triggered this - the first is that I wasn't hungry at my evening meal time and so I went out without eating and returned home hungry. BUt that hunger was fuelled by the deep, deep hurt having decided to call my dad.
A couple of people have asked if I called in a mission of sabotage. It is possible. I won;t rule it out but I think there is also a drive to make peace within my soul. I am much more acceptant that there will not be a closeness between us. I wouldn't want to be close to the man he is right now. However, I do think I am closer to telling him how I feel - I feel hurt and the sorrow is so deep. I am sorry that so much damage runs between us and there is nothing of any depth when we do meet - he is unable to deal with emotions and I am too scared to tell him my feelings anyway.
I felt closer after the call to phoning him back and telloing him that I am hurt. I bottled out. I rellay think though this is where I will get peace. Is it wrong to get my peace through my truth knowing that it will cause him such angst. Is that fair and right? Yet here I am with a broken heart and that's not fair either.
I believe I need to make peace with my soul whatever that means my dad will throw back at me. It is more likely than not going to hurt as he is incapable of showing anything but deep anger and it comes out in violence or more likely viscious words. That's how it will be more than likely. I think I can take it - I am stronger I think.
I went to see Foy Vance playing - but I found the company shallow in the frame of mind I was in. I left and came home - all that money - petrol, ticket etc what a waste of money. But my sanity seems more important.
And now it is time for an early night. New job starts tomorrow. I feel slightly nervous - it seems unreal at this very moment.
Night
Dad - it hurts that you have no desire to see me or to have more than occassional contact with me. It hurts that you don't seem to like me at all. It hurts that nothing I do means anything to you. It hurts that all you can see is bad in me.
I am not a bad person. I am human. I am not like you. I am damaged through your behaviour. I forgice you as I know you are urely deeple damaged yoruself. You didn;t know any different. How sad I am that you must be hurting so much in your heart and soul. I wish nothing but peace for you. It doesn't stop me hurting though. I realise that things will never be any differetn between us. Just so long as you know that my heart aches to be able to love you and to receive your love in return. I know your soul loves me just as I am.
I am trying to learn to see beyond your prejudices of me and beginning to see that I am an OK person - I am loveable just as I am.
Night dad. Sleep peacefully and forgive yourself. Love to you
X
Monday 13 April 2009
whoop whoop whoop - ego
"Hello M
I would just like to tell you how horrid I am feeling after being so arrogant about Andy.
I "know it" it at all. By it I mean that he would ask me out. I thought he has been friendly and adult.
That "know-it" was actually my defalted ego suddenly feeling flattered. And It now feels so ugly.
I am ashamed of that. Glad to recognise it. But Ugh it's so uncomfortable that you witnessed my ego making something into something else.
Ugh ugh ugh - ugliness and discomfort.
Glad to be aware and glad to be ablt to be honest about it with you despite hating the idea of you getting to see more of me.
You see it anyway of course and interpret it with your own meanings. So to actually tell you my thinking and feelings is so uncomforatble.
If I keep things real size. Yes it is nice to be asked as a friend to go for a walk.
The reality is we have had some email contact. It's been friendly and I am trying to learn how to do that.
my head does all sorts with it - but i can behave differently. It's never going to be easy I guess.
I don;t think I have been playing with him - I have been paying in my head for sure and when I talk with you or anyone else about it.
So on reflection, when you said that I had been playing I turned then into me being told off for doing it wrong and being a bad person and not being able to do it any other way.
i know that is not what you said but that's what I turned it into.
All happened too quickly amidst other things going on in my thinking and feelings to say that at the time.
I hope you will be alright with me writing this down now as it's the way I more easily process things when they are new and ......"
Of course I won't sed this. I was a bit more than pissed off when M said I had been playing with A. I think I have been doing less of that. I have certainly thought about playing with him. I would like to remain making friends with him and now that he's mentioned perhaps going for a walk, my needy ego has gone yip yip yip. The reality is we knew each other for about 2 or 3 evenings 27 or more years ago. As a result of a meet up with A (Aus) I got in contact with him via FRU and we have had a few pleasant and friendly emails. I try to remain light-hearted and witty. I did send some longer emails and more frequently which he commented on and I slowed down then. And now he has sent an update email and asked if I'd like to go for a walk with him.
None of my emails had mentioned meeting up at all. It's just a nice friendly thing to suggest isn't it?
All of this kind of thing is so unusual for me - I take it as that's it we are going to have to be having sex and stuff. I have never just been able to be friendly with a guy and that's what I want to learn how to do.
I don't like M's suspicions of me as it taps right into how I think things should be anyway. It doesn't feel supportive it feels admonishing. I have a feeling it links in with her saying "you'll meet someone soon" and I think that is triggered by her inscurity somehow.
Guess what I am not doing by writing this out.
Anyway it is nice to be asked out for a walk with someone who only knows me through my emails. Perhaps there are many underlying motivs for him and perhaps not. But how on earth is one supposed to find out unless you find out - know what I mean?
I just need to stay ground - centred and boundaried. Can I thoug? Already I am wondering if he will find me too ugly, too fat etc etc. Haven't even thought about whether I will find him ugly fat etc. HA it's all about me not being good enough.
What a wonderful walk yesterday. We estimate we walked over 20 miles in totla. We started out from Arundel at 9.30, meeting T there. We walked to Amberley, stopped for lunch which was horrid although I am so used to horrid food I ate it anyway (that's the foody in me all the time) and then we had a wonderful chocolate brownie in the tea rooms just down the road fromt he pub. Then we set off back for Amberley. I was getting very tired towards the end and very glad to see the car finally. Actually I felt more relief when we actiually arrived in Arundel again. At that point I felt OK. There was a sort of need to get on with it towards the last few miles - tired yes but more to do with being on the way back lets just get it over with sort of thing.
I had lots of laughs with both M and T. I think M was a little tetchy competitive today or maybe it was me I am not sure. I did get codey this morning when I received a text from T saying I hope I didn't upset M. Now I had already recognised yesterday a sort of avoidfance addictive thingy going with female friendships I have. I have known for a while how I have codependance around female friends - I have seen addiction and avoidance very clearly with males - now I can see a not dissimilar thing but without of course the secual element coming in. I am usually the addictive one - the really outwardly needy one and therefore for an avoidant that must be tiresome. And an avoidant wants to hook in the avoidant. M and T oth claim to be avoidant types - and I could see T i thnk becoming the addict within their getting to know each other.
It's not clear clear to me yet but there's certainly a something going on. Of course M has gone into the avoidant with me ths morning I think - there was a definite feeling of dynamic change this morning. Maybe it's me that caused it - that I am aware of but gosh the bloody ease with which all OK can change to all not OK for me. It's all so fragile.people with people.
Anyway I will hold off sending A an email saying yes yes yes as I want to.
I will acknowledge his email on Wed - that's 2 days surely I can hold on until then. And I will have news of this weekends walk, a suggestion fo a walk I would ike to do is Seven Sisters and he wants a cosatal walk. I can talk of my first day in my new job and of Foy Vance this evenign.
Right study study study. Need to stay focused amidst all my thining thinking thinking
I would just like to tell you how horrid I am feeling after being so arrogant about Andy.
I "know it" it at all. By it I mean that he would ask me out. I thought he has been friendly and adult.
That "know-it" was actually my defalted ego suddenly feeling flattered. And It now feels so ugly.
I am ashamed of that. Glad to recognise it. But Ugh it's so uncomfortable that you witnessed my ego making something into something else.
Ugh ugh ugh - ugliness and discomfort.
Glad to be aware and glad to be ablt to be honest about it with you despite hating the idea of you getting to see more of me.
You see it anyway of course and interpret it with your own meanings. So to actually tell you my thinking and feelings is so uncomforatble.
If I keep things real size. Yes it is nice to be asked as a friend to go for a walk.
The reality is we have had some email contact. It's been friendly and I am trying to learn how to do that.
my head does all sorts with it - but i can behave differently. It's never going to be easy I guess.
I don;t think I have been playing with him - I have been paying in my head for sure and when I talk with you or anyone else about it.
So on reflection, when you said that I had been playing I turned then into me being told off for doing it wrong and being a bad person and not being able to do it any other way.
i know that is not what you said but that's what I turned it into.
All happened too quickly amidst other things going on in my thinking and feelings to say that at the time.
I hope you will be alright with me writing this down now as it's the way I more easily process things when they are new and ......"
Of course I won't sed this. I was a bit more than pissed off when M said I had been playing with A. I think I have been doing less of that. I have certainly thought about playing with him. I would like to remain making friends with him and now that he's mentioned perhaps going for a walk, my needy ego has gone yip yip yip. The reality is we knew each other for about 2 or 3 evenings 27 or more years ago. As a result of a meet up with A (Aus) I got in contact with him via FRU and we have had a few pleasant and friendly emails. I try to remain light-hearted and witty. I did send some longer emails and more frequently which he commented on and I slowed down then. And now he has sent an update email and asked if I'd like to go for a walk with him.
None of my emails had mentioned meeting up at all. It's just a nice friendly thing to suggest isn't it?
All of this kind of thing is so unusual for me - I take it as that's it we are going to have to be having sex and stuff. I have never just been able to be friendly with a guy and that's what I want to learn how to do.
I don't like M's suspicions of me as it taps right into how I think things should be anyway. It doesn't feel supportive it feels admonishing. I have a feeling it links in with her saying "you'll meet someone soon" and I think that is triggered by her inscurity somehow.
Guess what I am not doing by writing this out.
Anyway it is nice to be asked out for a walk with someone who only knows me through my emails. Perhaps there are many underlying motivs for him and perhaps not. But how on earth is one supposed to find out unless you find out - know what I mean?
I just need to stay ground - centred and boundaried. Can I thoug? Already I am wondering if he will find me too ugly, too fat etc etc. Haven't even thought about whether I will find him ugly fat etc. HA it's all about me not being good enough.
What a wonderful walk yesterday. We estimate we walked over 20 miles in totla. We started out from Arundel at 9.30, meeting T there. We walked to Amberley, stopped for lunch which was horrid although I am so used to horrid food I ate it anyway (that's the foody in me all the time) and then we had a wonderful chocolate brownie in the tea rooms just down the road fromt he pub. Then we set off back for Amberley. I was getting very tired towards the end and very glad to see the car finally. Actually I felt more relief when we actiually arrived in Arundel again. At that point I felt OK. There was a sort of need to get on with it towards the last few miles - tired yes but more to do with being on the way back lets just get it over with sort of thing.
I had lots of laughs with both M and T. I think M was a little tetchy competitive today or maybe it was me I am not sure. I did get codey this morning when I received a text from T saying I hope I didn't upset M. Now I had already recognised yesterday a sort of avoidfance addictive thingy going with female friendships I have. I have known for a while how I have codependance around female friends - I have seen addiction and avoidance very clearly with males - now I can see a not dissimilar thing but without of course the secual element coming in. I am usually the addictive one - the really outwardly needy one and therefore for an avoidant that must be tiresome. And an avoidant wants to hook in the avoidant. M and T oth claim to be avoidant types - and I could see T i thnk becoming the addict within their getting to know each other.
It's not clear clear to me yet but there's certainly a something going on. Of course M has gone into the avoidant with me ths morning I think - there was a definite feeling of dynamic change this morning. Maybe it's me that caused it - that I am aware of but gosh the bloody ease with which all OK can change to all not OK for me. It's all so fragile.people with people.
Anyway I will hold off sending A an email saying yes yes yes as I want to.
I will acknowledge his email on Wed - that's 2 days surely I can hold on until then. And I will have news of this weekends walk, a suggestion fo a walk I would ike to do is Seven Sisters and he wants a cosatal walk. I can talk of my first day in my new job and of Foy Vance this evenign.
Right study study study. Need to stay focused amidst all my thining thinking thinking
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