I'm so uncertain about everything and anything. I'm not sure that I want to carry on in the field of work I am in. It seems to me that I'm playing at it. But then again I've always felt as if I'm laying at whatever I have done, not truly professional or know what I'm doing. Always waiting to be discovered as a fraud.
I don't like where I'm living yet terribly grateful for it. Generally it's a quiet flat in a quiet village. I have a lot of space for one person by todays standards and at reasonable rent. I am not enjoying living hee though and never have really. I am grateful, very grateful indeed. But it's never felt like home. Then again nowhere ever has, apart from maybe S cott, Chawton.
I don't want to go to work - every morning. I hate making sales calls. I am pretty absent minded right now. Not surprised with so many preoccupations - my dad, Step 4, G and my insecurities and jealousies. Not happy anywhere pr with anything. I feel trapped. I feel like fleeing.
Hating some of the rigidity of FA although love the recovery and freedom from food.
I have spoken with T, my dad's wife twice. Saturday on the way back from London after a day of interesting lectures organised by the psychological society. All about criminal behaviour. Fascinating - risk assessment and modelling the mind of terrorists - basically you can't. The neurology of the psychopath and other criminals. Forensics but to be honest I'm not really sure of anything he said other than whatever group idea there is be prepared to have singular ideas. Too many people can investigate in one direction because it's the group though without checking the details - and miss important things. And finally Sex and aggression. All so very interesting.
I called T and she was not forthcoming. I suppose just about on a tip edge of politeness. It is hurtful and infuriating but I have decided to make the calls anyway. I called again this evening and it was the same. She gave nothing away other than my dad is seeming fine. Fucking hell he's dying how can he seem fine. And she said he's going home tomorrow instead of today. I didn't ask what the delay had been. She seems in total denial that he's dying as on Saturday she said he'll be fine once he gets home. I think she's bloody well killing him,
I don't mean that but they have been refusing help and I'm sure that's not been useful. For either of them. I feel for her as she loves him even though I hate that fact.
I feel very mixed up. Sometimes there are no feelings at all. I think it could be a numbness and other times a complete detachment from the feelings. Other times I feel angry. And that comes out in all directions, At T. At my dad. At death itself and the indignity of it for my dad. He was pitiful when I saw him on Friday. he has a sore tongue and a fungus on his tongue that makes it incredibly painful to eat or drink anything at all. He was nearly in tears and said so. He was gingerly grabbing at his bed. He couldn't really do that he is so frail. His arms are so tiny. He is so tiny. What happened to my dad. The big gruff man. It's so horrid to see him like that. The man has been taken away. Why is death so cruel? Why does a person have to lose all dignity?
And yet he still told me off. The fiery look in his eye. It hurts so deeply. Even in the final hours days weeks he still cannot just accept me or see me. I thought I was disturbing the consultant when it was the consultant who was doing all the talking. I just don't know why he hates me so much.
What the hell God??
I am horrified that even at this time there is nothing changing. I suppose I live in hope ad the slightest sign of anything is so gratefully received. Yet it's not acceptable. Why the hell cannot I not let go. I am more acceptant I suppose. And as for T .... she is a baffling conundrum of nastiness really. But then the neighbours also implied this and so it's a relief to know I'm not the only one where she is concerned. With my dad it seems that he can be horrible to me and yet is lovely to all and sundry. it's always been this way. He would sort of dump mum and I in favour of other people. They always got the niceness and attention and we were given the shit.
I have this horrible feeling of his spirit being able to see right into me when he dies. it repulses me. I want to be cleansed out and then made into someone else so that he cannot find me.
I link this with the times when he would spy on me or read my diaries or similar. A letter once. And then he would let me know by quoting from them - taunting or telling me something he'd seen me do. It sickens me. It's bad enough as it is yet I don;t think it's bad enough compared with the extent of the feelings I have for the past. That's bizarre. I still can't accept how I feel about the past for what it is. I think it should be worse. and I've just been over sensitive.
I feel as if I cannot cope with my emotions. I feel over loaded and overwhelmed. I want away from them. Yet I do not want to lose my abstinence.
Last week whilst shopping, I really had strong words in my head to fuck it. yet I so don;t want. It's a really odd battle of the same mind. Just goes to show how neurons firing from different parts of the brain can be in conscious conflict.
AB's birthday followed the London. I'm proud of myself for going along and not running straight back to G. And this weekend coming I am going to Brighton to deliver my Step 5 with my sponsor. He is busy Thursday even now and Friday and Saturday I need some study time as well as hoping to visit my dad Fri afternoon. I have offered not to go to the Fri meeting. Although really I would like to go but this is about compromise to see my - what is he? Boyfriend? Partner? What?
I don;t like the situation one bit. His ongoing "friendship" with D. And the strangeness of it all. And then at other times I think well he has few friends so why not? It's upto me to step aside from jealousy and insecurity. It's a great focus away from all other feelings. And the heightened insecurity I currently feel a]can turn into anger with him. I can be stroppy and goading - leading questions about women and then it adds to my insecurity and in turn the attitude towards G and so on. Ugh! It's so tiring, boring, ugly. Please Universe help me to stop this pattern. Only then can I find out if I really like him or not.
I'm tired now. Gorra get to sleep.
Mighty night
Bliss
XX
I don't like where I'm living yet terribly grateful for it. Generally it's a quiet flat in a quiet village. I have a lot of space for one person by todays standards and at reasonable rent. I am not enjoying living hee though and never have really. I am grateful, very grateful indeed. But it's never felt like home. Then again nowhere ever has, apart from maybe S cott, Chawton.
I don't want to go to work - every morning. I hate making sales calls. I am pretty absent minded right now. Not surprised with so many preoccupations - my dad, Step 4, G and my insecurities and jealousies. Not happy anywhere pr with anything. I feel trapped. I feel like fleeing.
Hating some of the rigidity of FA although love the recovery and freedom from food.
I have spoken with T, my dad's wife twice. Saturday on the way back from London after a day of interesting lectures organised by the psychological society. All about criminal behaviour. Fascinating - risk assessment and modelling the mind of terrorists - basically you can't. The neurology of the psychopath and other criminals. Forensics but to be honest I'm not really sure of anything he said other than whatever group idea there is be prepared to have singular ideas. Too many people can investigate in one direction because it's the group though without checking the details - and miss important things. And finally Sex and aggression. All so very interesting.
I called T and she was not forthcoming. I suppose just about on a tip edge of politeness. It is hurtful and infuriating but I have decided to make the calls anyway. I called again this evening and it was the same. She gave nothing away other than my dad is seeming fine. Fucking hell he's dying how can he seem fine. And she said he's going home tomorrow instead of today. I didn't ask what the delay had been. She seems in total denial that he's dying as on Saturday she said he'll be fine once he gets home. I think she's bloody well killing him,
I don't mean that but they have been refusing help and I'm sure that's not been useful. For either of them. I feel for her as she loves him even though I hate that fact.
I feel very mixed up. Sometimes there are no feelings at all. I think it could be a numbness and other times a complete detachment from the feelings. Other times I feel angry. And that comes out in all directions, At T. At my dad. At death itself and the indignity of it for my dad. He was pitiful when I saw him on Friday. he has a sore tongue and a fungus on his tongue that makes it incredibly painful to eat or drink anything at all. He was nearly in tears and said so. He was gingerly grabbing at his bed. He couldn't really do that he is so frail. His arms are so tiny. He is so tiny. What happened to my dad. The big gruff man. It's so horrid to see him like that. The man has been taken away. Why is death so cruel? Why does a person have to lose all dignity?
And yet he still told me off. The fiery look in his eye. It hurts so deeply. Even in the final hours days weeks he still cannot just accept me or see me. I thought I was disturbing the consultant when it was the consultant who was doing all the talking. I just don't know why he hates me so much.
What the hell God??
I am horrified that even at this time there is nothing changing. I suppose I live in hope ad the slightest sign of anything is so gratefully received. Yet it's not acceptable. Why the hell cannot I not let go. I am more acceptant I suppose. And as for T .... she is a baffling conundrum of nastiness really. But then the neighbours also implied this and so it's a relief to know I'm not the only one where she is concerned. With my dad it seems that he can be horrible to me and yet is lovely to all and sundry. it's always been this way. He would sort of dump mum and I in favour of other people. They always got the niceness and attention and we were given the shit.
I have this horrible feeling of his spirit being able to see right into me when he dies. it repulses me. I want to be cleansed out and then made into someone else so that he cannot find me.
I link this with the times when he would spy on me or read my diaries or similar. A letter once. And then he would let me know by quoting from them - taunting or telling me something he'd seen me do. It sickens me. It's bad enough as it is yet I don;t think it's bad enough compared with the extent of the feelings I have for the past. That's bizarre. I still can't accept how I feel about the past for what it is. I think it should be worse. and I've just been over sensitive.
I feel as if I cannot cope with my emotions. I feel over loaded and overwhelmed. I want away from them. Yet I do not want to lose my abstinence.
Last week whilst shopping, I really had strong words in my head to fuck it. yet I so don;t want. It's a really odd battle of the same mind. Just goes to show how neurons firing from different parts of the brain can be in conscious conflict.
AB's birthday followed the London. I'm proud of myself for going along and not running straight back to G. And this weekend coming I am going to Brighton to deliver my Step 5 with my sponsor. He is busy Thursday even now and Friday and Saturday I need some study time as well as hoping to visit my dad Fri afternoon. I have offered not to go to the Fri meeting. Although really I would like to go but this is about compromise to see my - what is he? Boyfriend? Partner? What?
I don;t like the situation one bit. His ongoing "friendship" with D. And the strangeness of it all. And then at other times I think well he has few friends so why not? It's upto me to step aside from jealousy and insecurity. It's a great focus away from all other feelings. And the heightened insecurity I currently feel a]can turn into anger with him. I can be stroppy and goading - leading questions about women and then it adds to my insecurity and in turn the attitude towards G and so on. Ugh! It's so tiring, boring, ugly. Please Universe help me to stop this pattern. Only then can I find out if I really like him or not.
I'm tired now. Gorra get to sleep.
Mighty night
Bliss
XX
