Big wishes

Truth be told, Bliss, when a dream comes true, 9 out of 10 dreamers say that it was easier than they thought, happened faster than they expected, and was better than they first imagined it would be - causing those in the unseen to wonder without end, why they didn't dream bigger?


Things that make you go "Hmmmmm..." -

The Universe
 
My wish for today is that I am able to be with my Master JH and my love on a permanent basis and with ease.
I wish that we can live somewhere simply and comfortably together. In a way that combines all of us individually and everything together too. This means for me having some financial security and valid input myself i.e. employment and I would wish that it's employment I can enjoy that provides a devcent income and time too for Master JH whom I love to be with and do things with, as well as time to maintain my own interests as well as shard interests. Yes I know this is a big wish but why not? I would wish that we have space enough to be able to be conscious and also just relax with ease. I wish for trees and peace. Space to embrace people and those people can share the peace and self development available from what Master JH and I I believe are capable of creating.
I wish that this can happen just as soon as possible. I am sure I need to add to this wish - after all the Universe says its OK to dream big.
Yes I see space, fresh warm air, trees, peaceful air, spirit, people gathering from time to time, comfortable and warm, wildlife, music, creativity,
Mmm funny how it quickly moves away from a locational description to more of a feel about the place. What I essentially feel is Master JH and I together. In a togetherness to each pursue ourselves in a space that is together. I can;t describe it more than that. Then I can add all the other things that I wish for which are actually nothing to do with the big main wish - just wish for us soon to be living together and contentedly.
 
Yep that't it.
 
Other than my wish I would like to share how barmy I feel right now.
I felt quite manic once or twice recently and noticed only afterwards. last evening I was all over the place. I had an energy burning me to do something. As a result of not doing anything I felt quite flat and even detached.
I was reading petry that was irrelevant to the occasion but of course inside connecting with past - my dad and my anger with him still. As well as my hurt.
I had a real strong need to be loved and treasured yet do not feel lovable or precious because I am feeling unstable.
Gosh it all seems such a complex web ot past present, thinking and attitude, hormonal shifts, mental shifts, memories and rationale and judgements (of self), physical malaise affecting capability affecting self esteem. It's too complex and mish mash of interactions between these things and with externals such as people etc., to even be able to put down in writing.
So what I need to do I think is accept that. Things will seem more important here and there as it all rises and falls into reality momentarily. The thing is I know it will pass.
If I can accept it and start allowing myself to be gentle instead of blaming and demanding of perfection from myself it might be easy to just observe the shifts and everything this brings with it.
I can be gentle if I can find a way of doing this. But blimey I fight it. Even as I am wirign this.
My Master JH and wow such a wonderful lover to me - he was so patient and still on the ground last evening. I was all over the place and it felt as if he was still and at the centre with me dancing high and low about him. Gradually I felt him bring me to the centre with him. He was acceptant of me and listened and eventually i cried and cried and let out some hurt.
I am so thankful - he is my love!
 
Got to go to work now - pity. Want to be at home writing and resting and safe and secure.
Bliss

No words of wisdom as I am barmy

When was the last economic recession, or even depression, Bliss, that didn't mightily correct itself?


Life is like that.

Hot stuff,

The Universe

Mmmmm - well I believe in this sentiment whole heartedly. When I look at my own life. Everything has worked out. And on a daily basis. Things have not been as I wanted them always and even quite difficult at times. But in reality it's all been OK. What is the worst that can happen after all?
Well with no money I might be hungry and homeless. But if I have the courage I can always ask  afriend or two for help. And talk about what is going on and ask anyone if there is anything they can do to help me.
My problem can often be pride and the desire for more can raise its head too.
When I have been at my poorest I want for less. I of course have desire for things BUT I simply remind myself I don;t have the means. When I have a little more (like now) I think oh I can have that and surely I can afford that too and anyway next month will sort out any overdraft.
Actually I say this and I am not like this anymore. I am more manageable and less lavish and wasteful with my money.
Funny thing is that  have much more freedom with my financial status. And by that I mean freedom from the stress of finances. I have what I have and that's that. I need to be cautious and that's OK.
In this last month I have noticed a tendency to ignore my limits and with it comes some stress. So a reminder to manage my money carefully and not pretend I am richer than I am to myself. Wow how easily I can convince myself.
I want to save now for travelling with Master JH in January. I would like to also start putting some aside for a time when I might be moving to be with my Master permanently. It would be helpful to start putting some savings aside for that however little.
Mmmmmm fear from the fear of finances. And that no longer means having more it simply means living with what I have.

Mmm sound soubly ideals that I try to work on a daily basis
Bliss

Benefits of the fringe

One of the many fringe benefits of having sneaky, pushy, and demanding people in your life, Bliss, comes when you realize - usually at the end of a long day, deep in thought, with a pot of warm cherry Kool-Aid by your side - that in spite of all the drama, huffing, and puffing, no one can keep you from yours.


Yeah, baby -

The Universe
 
Well yes every person I encounter in my day offers me some learning and cannot keep me from my life. But what they do is enhance my life - both positive input and negative input.
I had a weird thought this afternoon. Uh oh!
I thought suddenly I am like the secret other woman in my Master's life. He is my love firstly.

Clingons - tch!

The truth not only sets you free, Bliss, it slays all dragons, banishes all fears, connects all dots, and casts a brand new spell over those who've yet to see you as I do.


And you already had the world spinning in the palm of your hand...

Careful now,

The Universe
 
This is true! Surprise, surprise. Over the years I have been learning what true honesty actually means.
Just to be able to say that I am nervous in a situation or that I am afraid or that I don't know.

Funny day - physical pain, resurrection of feelings regarding SH - but feelings of vindication, relief and release.
Trying too hard and reacting too with clients. Actually reacting more from colleague feedback instead of going along with own instinct and style.

Loving my Master.

I wrote a long long Blog which I lost as I was typing. Grrrrr

Open to feedback

By the way all my realisations are my own - so could be way off track.
Any feedback with ideas and interpretations are welcome - if there is anybody out there
Is there?

Mirror, mirror, people spinner

Surprise reflections

Sure, there have been surprises. Some, not so fun.


But you have to admit, Bliss, with hindsight, moving forward was actually easy.

Something worth remembering,

The Universe



Well there have been some realisations for me today. Yes surprises. Mmm some not so fun when I see myself. But definitely worth remembering as I can move mountains when I acknowledge surrender accept and choose to be different.

Thanks Universe for the power of insight and reflection. Yes thank you.



Well my first self observation has been that knowing my Master and love is busy doing other things evokes something in me. As this was earlier in the day and lots of things have happened at work and more revelations as well, I have not got a grip on what is evokes.

I think it was feeling a separation. He is busy doing things and things he seems to be really enjoying. I am not jealous. This in itself is progress for me. I am not insecure. I am delighted that I do put real trust in my Master and my love. It's something to do with the fact that he is so fully ensconced with what he is doing - rightly so - and he is less able to be in contact with me. Perhaps I am not priority. Yet I do not expect to be his priority when he is with his children for example. Gosh this seems complex.

Then when I do receive a text or contact I am over the moon and feel very privileged - this is the reality. My Master, my love does make the time when he can and how wonderful that feels. I feel so grateful.

I am not sure of how accurate I am in my understandings after observing this. And of course not being in the feeling now it is not so easy to fully explore.



And then a big bit awareness. Having finished work I suddenly really felt in need of my Master's love for me.

Well I picked away at this as I was driving along and realised that I was feeling guilty for the IM contact I had had with my first Master Senor DD.

During this contact Senor DD asked me what I wanted if there was contact between us. I said this was a good question and I didn’t know. He became quite angry with me. He was angry he said that he had released me and not taken the offer of selling me. He said that it was disgusting that there was nothing for him after releasing me. That neither I nor my new Master made any contact or he was permitted a reciprocal arrangement having loaned me in the first place.

I was apologetic that he felt so angry but did not know what to say in regards to what he was angry about. Then I said that I needed to go and he said he was really furious now because I did not even give him the courtesy to request permission to leave and he said goodbye. Again I did not know what to say so simply left.

I have felt guilty or even disloyal to my Master and more importantly my love. I was wondering why I was feeling so guilty. And I realised that I was and have had a fondness for Senor DD from the start and he was also my first master. And so by entering into any conversation felt uncomfortable. Now what I realise is that I am a novice at moving from a sort of close friendly interrelationship to one that is now enormously altered because I am in love and love someone else. I have informed Senor DD honestly that I love my Master both in SL and RL and that a loving relationship has been born out of being his slave. So when Senor DD asked what I might want with regards to contact I really didn’t know the answer. I would hope that he would be acceptant of my love and that it might be possible to be friendly and him respect my Master and my love as my priority. I am not sure if that is possible for him as I never expressed this. But what I realise is that as a slave I am still expected to follow slave etiquette with other Masters an ask permission. But I would not follow any demands on me that would encroach on my relationship with my love. For example I would not be able to accept any requirements that would involved any intimacy or sex etc. That is only for my love who also happens to be my Master.

I think there are some life lessons here and all is not clear right now. I realise that if Senor DD is not willing to be happy for my situation now then I would have to withdraw from contact (which already may be the case anyway because I offended him by not acting as a slave i.e. asking permission).

This is all still slightly confusing – I do not have clarity exactly about what is going on. But I am glad that I have identified why I am feeling guilty in connection with My Master and more importantly my love. On assessing it though I feel great because I am monogamous and have nothing to hide from my Master and my love. I am true to him and I like being decent and dignified in this way. Just the way in which I was communicating with Senor DD was possibly not clear. I am not actually sure whether I would bother reporting this growing awareness to Senor DD – it is a pity in a way because I have enjoyed the learning.

And then I was able to ask my Master and my love to make contact with me because I wanted some sort of reassurance. I didn’t need to be needy. I didn’t fall into insecurity and jealousy. I retained my self-esteem and dignity and asked for a text. I feel marvellous that I have not withered in a pit of black esteem. Because I have identified the process I have been in.

I hope if My Master and love gets to know about this it will be clear to him. Because this has been a real awakening for me and a reinforcement of my commitment to him. My love just grows. I love being owned by him and I enjoy my personal growth.

This then leads onto my Master and love’s fondness for a woman. He has said that he wants to inform her of his altered status, i.e. a girlfriend. I believe he has been reluctant t do this. I can understand the reluctance based on the fact that by telling male friends I am concerned that they will no longer actually wish to continue being friendly. How I am interpreting this though is that he does not want to lose the possibility of a more “fertile” relationship sometime. I know this is my own thinking and not based on any truth. And then from my own experience there are people that do disappear even though there was no romantic involvement, perhaps the “fun” was based on certain availability and the intrigue – an interest with an agenda. So converting this kind of interaction into a supportive friendship especially when the interaction was pretty fragile in the first instance – gosh it hurts that he was fond of her and wants to nurture that fondness. Why does it hurt? I am not clear about this yet.

I think it is to do with the fact that it is an untested relationship and perhaps he will some time want to find out if they could be good together. This despite my Master and my love committing to me. What if there is some time when we are having a difficulty and rather than commit to working through it turns to her. He was also involved in her vulnerability. Know plenty of men who get a sense of self through being saviours. They are usually love addicts in some way and are not then conscious of their powerlessness. Choices are made all too easily without a consciousness. However, my Master and my love seems to be very self aware and makes clean choices. Again I put trust in my Master and my love. I have no reason not to. If there is any reason it would present itself at some time. I would at that time have to be strong to be boundaried and self protect. Until then trust and enjoy.

I am sure my difficulty with this will become clear. I just hope that he will choose to clear things up sooner rather than later as all the time he chooses not to I wonder why? Is he keeping her in reserve? Why is he so afraid of losing her? But then I could see that in me – I didn’t want to lose the very loose relationship with Senor DD or JK or Cepit etc. And of course with less and less contact the friendship dwindles. And the truth is revealed. True friends are there and supportive and don’t want to come between me and my love and my Master.

I am not sure any of this is clear. But I am getting some light on myself.

Please Universe help me to continue to learn and grow. Please help me to be a good slave and lover. Please help me to nurture myself so that my worth and self esteem are strong. Please look after my love and my Master. The priority is with my love.

Would appreciate any thoughts of enlightenment

The Greatest! Really?

You're the greatest, Bliss.


You're truly the greatest.

Thank you,

The Universe

Commit to me

Bliss, you're the only person who knows what's right for you.


The only one.

And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing.

Only you know,

The Universe

Limited attention capacity

It's one trick, Bliss, to manifest exactly what you want.

It's another to bring about something even better.

Leave the door open,

The Universe


What I want is to be able to be with my Master, my love all the time. But I know that if I trust then it will always be better than me trying to control. I can put in the footwork and am starting to think about how to do this.

The final outcome always has room for something even better. Any other thoughts on this would always be appreciated.

Master JH has returned home. I feel the sense of intense longing. I want to feel the warmth of his body, smell his essence and be close, body against body, skin on skin. I love him and adore him. I am in love with him. I am able to go beyond what have been my limitations with him.

I have been able to start facing my insecurities. My need to control my fear of being abandoned or left for someone better. Master JH has stood firm and helped me face this.

Basically I can see that being owned has helped with this. I think I have written about this before.

Anyway, this has developed further. I realise I can sense deeply my Master as his attitude or mood alters even subtly. I am very aware I don't what necessarily is going on behind the change - it's a slight or subtle change in energy that I can detect at times. probably not all the time but when I do it's so obvious to me. I am so clumsy wit this sort of thing, I am not sure how to handle this sense. So far I have been loathe to be so forthright because I am still trying to trust that my Master will respond equally as openly. So I must put my trust in the process. All I can do is remind myself to be honesty and be open.

I can say to my Master when I detect or sense a change and then share my thoughts on what I think might be behind this.

I am very very sorry that the ways in which I have reacted when my insecurities have been triggered in the past. My Masters behaviour reflects my action. He has expressed his nervousness about telling or showing me in case I react badly. This is not all there is to it though. He has his part in it too, i.e. be able to be open about everything. I think that be reserved about some things raises the question about what is the need to keep things from being in the open. Anyway I don't have answers about right or wrong ways, just learning how to be with the way things are and trusting. I am learning to trust.

And being my Master's slave contributes to being able to practice - acceptance, faith, self-worth just for starters.

To be up to date about this......

After a little while of being captured as a slave to Senor D, I was beginning to be pushed to some limits very very gently. Senor D's rules - no bad feelings, no thinking. He was conditioning me I realise.

Then I encountered Master JH. He interested me with his very simple enquiry about watching me.

Well after a brief encounter we met again at which time I enquired whether he would like me to sit at his feet as his slave to experience what this might feel like for him. This escalated so quickly. I asked Senor D to loan me to Master JH which he did for 2 weeks and in that time I started to fall in love with him. As the end of the loan approached I so wanted Master JH to wish to keep me. And so the negotiations began one evening for Master JH to acquire me from Senor D.

This will sound all so strange I am sure. And in reality it is and was. And yet it works. This of course was all taking place online in an unreal world yet real people transacting real transactions within reason.

I have kept the transcripts as a reminder of how strange this all really has been.

Master JH I think was surprised that his online requirements were met by me in my real world. And so our adventure was beginning.

Daily meetings became daily Skype conversations, became twice daily, became a weekend visit in person,became a return visit for even longer, became another long weekend visit. All the while our love developing and growing.

I am my Masters slave, his love and lover. He is my Master, my love, my lover and friend.

I would like for this to continue to grow positively and I truly believe it will and so the Universe is right - my next want is that we are together on a daily basis, everyday living. Living daily lives but it can be better than that, better than anything I can want for. I can see how we are better than simply being together. That is merely another format.

I have learnt that being in physical presence brings all sorts of sensations - sight, auditory, sensory touch, smell, taste. It is not possible in theory to be attentive to all the stimuli through all the sense at the same time. We are remarkable together because we are constantly working on consciousness. So I think we are lucky to be practicing awareness of as much incoming information as possible. Of course information becomes cognitive processes and behaviour and trips into beliefs from the past and memories, knowledge, etc etc.

Then the Skype contact is reducing sensory stimuli so making it possible to be more aware of fewer senses perhaps. And then the telephone - even fewer senses being triggered so even more concentrated consciousness. I love that we have access to all of these to practice awareness of self and between us.

So maybe being better than being together is knowing the benefit of different ways of interacting.

And we can surely bring this into our future however it unfolds.

I am feeling sorry that I removed from here some of the experiences I had with CY. I have nothing to hide from my Master but as I knew he would be reading this I removed information. Actually I will re-post but it will probably all be on one post and therefore in a jumble. But it is about being open and I can be. If I am doing things I am embarrassed or ashamed about then I should not continue doing it.

Our weekend together was just lovely. Easy. Unusual as well. Loving. Funny. Restful. Interesting. Inspiring.

We are really living as loving us and all the while he is my Master too. I am trying to just be with this to see how the two interrelate. Both have their place and yet when I am with Master JH I feel less slave and simply lover, loving and loved.

I have fear that I will be left. I trust Master JH would not do anything specifically to hurt me. This does not mean things cannot change. Right now I love and like everything about us together,about him and about me with him that I would not want to lose the connection.

Well fo today everything is great and I am happy.

Freedom through ownership

Life is where one goes, Bliss, to temporarily believe in death, fleetingly forget their power, and briefly have the Dickens scared out of them, voluntarily.


All in the name of adventure.

You're bad,

The Universe
 
What do you think this means?  Mmmm I understand that life is a big adventure. But what is meant by the rest of this message from the Universe?
temporarily believe in death - why termporarily? I believe in death - it happens but what happens after that I really don;t know. I have all sorts of theories and even some extraordinary experiences that mights suggest that death is not the end. Even though the word we use for the end of life here suggests the end.
The funny thin is the person may be dead but the spirit lives on so noone is ever truly dead. For example my mum lives on through me. Her memory and little funny ideals that I share or pass on and then hear others repeating them. For how long she lives on is indeterminable.l Hence I suppose people might like to make a mark bing enough to resonate for eternity. I think Henry VIII will resonate for eternity.
 
fleetingly forget their power - whose power? Them? The others? Who? everyone who has ever attemtpted to exert power in it's various shapes and forms. My dad, bullying men I have known, frigtening women, instituions, Governments, religious organisations. Living the adventure it is possible to feel free. perhaps this is what is meant.
 
briefly have the Dickens scare out of them, voluntarily - mmmmm well out of whom? Is this the adventureres. Explorers face the unknown and at times ths can be alarming and frightening. Huge risks without calculating the risk. This is true adventure. Trusting. And then if the person were to die - well their adventuring story lives on. Whoever they/I are/am. I am an adventurer even though in the past I considered myself boring. I take risks and without calculating the consequences sometimes, not that that is clever or something to be proud of. But I do go through the fear at times even if the fear is self inflicted, for example lack of self confidence or belief. And yes I choose or volunteer. Even a simple but lovely experience such as facing my fear of my own pride and insecurity by jumping on the front of JH's bike and him cycling me around his city. Wow what an adventure. What an experience. I feel even deeper in love with him.
 
Well I am not sure what the Universe was telling me today but that's my initial thoughts on the matter. Would like to hear anyone else's ideas on this.
 
My Master is escalating the adoration I feel. I am conditioned already.
I had a requirement to fulfill for my Master which was dropping off gradually. But he has latered the requirement slightly and as a result ignited the sexual arousal. He require that I text him when carrying out a particular function. And the moment I start writing the text  I am aroused. But not only that it is like an electric shock that starts from a very physical level but internalises. I feel his ownership of me and I adore him. I feel free through being owned because I am secure in this position (unless he gives me away but even then I am secure - just have to deal with a new Master - but of course would not be in love with him as I am in love with JH) Also though I am finding freedom with my sexuality.
I feel too private to freely express the detail of my Masters requirement - just in case someon is reading this.

Dear Universe

Can you help me to meet a very lovely man who is interesting and emotionally intelligent, available and wanting to meet me and be with me and for us to share a spiritual connection which includes fun, trust, adventure, friendship and love.

I wrote this in 2009 and wow it worked

You can choose to go, do, be, and have, and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the "clicks" and "coincidences," and the many happy "accidents," your bounty and good fortune must have been your destiny.


Or, you might choose to wait for a miracle, a savior, or divine intervention, and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the missed chances and disappointments, and the many unhappy accidents, your lack and misfortune must have been your destiny.

Bliss, do you see what the difference is?

It ain't me,

The Universe
 
Well I absolutely know this applies to me. I have a lot of fear about letting go of some things that I am not even cntent with.
I have a flat that is cheap rent and can be mine until I am no longer needing anything at all in this lifetime. It is a sort of security. However it is also a noose around my neck.
And I want to be with the man I love which means doing and being and trusting and enjoying the adventure.
When I took the plunge and went off to Spain I truly enjoyed the fact that I did it - an adventure.
So although yes some research is required, JH is worth it. The adventure is worth it!


For the past few weeks, a group of lawyers in Egypt have been calling for the famous book, The Arabian Nights, to be banned on grounds that it is obscene and promotes vice and sin. I was intrigued when the group’s spokesman tried to argue that literature such as the Arabian Nights “is acceptable in the West” and not in Egypt which has “a different culture and different religion” they said. Ironically, The Arabian Nights was produced during the Golden Age of Arabo-Islamic Literature, a period between the 8th to 13th centuries. It was not until the year 1704 that the first European version of The Arabian Nights was rendered into French.




As Islamic seminary students we were often expected to study texts like The Arabian Nights, or The One Thousand and One Nights as it is originally known in Arabic. We were told that this would provide us a key to the language of the religious texts of that time. I have to admit that most of us as young students would skip through the pages looking for the tantalising sections of the book, just those parts the Egyptian lawyers want banned. Now that I reflect on it, it’s interesting how we were asked to trace and find the ethical and moral teaching of our faith through the medium of what some are now calling “obscene”. Perhaps what may first appear to some as rigid and fixed boundaries can be shown not to be so by an appreciation of Literature from our past.



So my prayer today is:

Lord, increase us in knowledge of our past and grant us the wisdom and courage to act accordingly. Amen.

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Destiny

You can choose to go, do, be, and have, and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the "clicks" and "coincidences," and the many happy "accidents," your bounty and good fortune must have been your destiny.


Or, you might choose to wait for a miracle, a savior, or divine intervention, and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the missed chances and disappointments, and the many unhappy accidents, your lack and misfortune must have been your destiny.

Bliss, do you see what the difference is?

It ain't me,

The Universe

The Healthy Submisive

1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.




2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.



3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.



4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.



5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.



6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.



7. The healthy submissive is playful.



8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.



9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.



10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.



11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.



12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself "as is" is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.



13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.



14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service.

Useful by being here and a slaves testament

For a long time yet, Bliss, there will still be things not to like in time and space... animal testing, war, discrimination, hatred, to name a few. But you realize, don't you, that only while you're there, can you do anything about them?


Oh yeah.

We can only watch.

The Universe
 
This is funny because today I asked my Master JH and my love if when we are together living simply if we would be able to keep bees. I am fascinated by them suddenly and love the idea of collecting the honey and maybe even being able to trade it with other local producers. But also very much as a way of contributing to the world as they are so endangered now. JH knows something about this too. He responded that he would like to. YAY!
I would also like to keep chickens and have fresh eggs. I like this picture I have. I also have this sense of bringing people together. Something we will do will create the opportunity for people to come together, meetings and learning or personal growth or something. It feels free and easy and loving and safe. I repeat easy as I see happiness.
 
I visited the hospital today - internal examination. It HURT! and M asked me why I didn;t tell anyone as it was being done that it was hurting. After the event I felt tearful.
I sent a text to JH, saying that I was out and very basic news. He sent a text back saying that he would call later. In retrospect I realised I wanted him to call but I didn't ask him to. I am still so far from identifying my wants and needs and being able to ask for them. Telling the doc about being in pain was another example.
When JH did call (he is so thoughful and lovely) I felt angry. I don;t know why. I was quite the martyr wanting to say that he should forget about me and get back to his kids. Oh poor poor me. Pah! Thankfully I don;t think I got myself stuck on this worthless idea. I said I wanted an hug and he said he was hugging me. That felt so nice of him to respond that way. I then was really happy after a little while talking to say goodbye knowing that he needed his tme with his children. No resentments - just love.
I am learning and growing. It is lovely.
 
M gave me a hug when I got home. That was lovely. Brings tears to me. I am not really certain why. Somebody really cares. I know for M hugging takes her effort. I apreciate her friendship. I love her.
She has cooked and talked and listened and been easy gong. Just what I needed.
I had stopped en route and bought a treat. I wanted chocolate and cakes. So I bought a chocolate pudding.
 
Now I feel incredibly bloated and there is some pain still.
M has suggested that I tell the GP about the pain and the fact that I didn;t tell them when it was hurting as they were examining me. It just doesn;t occur to me. As far as I am concerned I am to sit there quietly and just let them do what they are supposed to do. If there is anythign they will find it. But as M pointed out they may miss something if I don't tell them how things are affecting me. Still so much to learn.
 
My dad called. I hadn't realised I had told him when I was going to the hospital. The conversation was OK. Funnily enough M said as the phone was ringing "Oh don;t let it be your dad!" And it was. Ha ha.
 
Yesterday I went to find out from slaves and Masters about falling in love with my Master and him falling in love with me.
Oddly I received an IM from my former Master. He was asking for an update on what I have learnt since he last had contact with me. I will tell my Master and my love that I have received this.
As my Masters slave and because I adore him I would tell him everything and ask permission for everything I want. When I remember. I am still so self willed and there is a lot of control to learn how to let go of. And yet it feels so right for me.
The funny thing is my Master who is my love, is very loving and giving. He has requirements but doesn't enforce them. Oddly when I don;t comply I feel I have let him down.
I was given this by a Mistress in SL - I have much to learn and put into practice. The thing is although it is slavery it seems to apply so well to me feeling free and respectful fo the person I am in love with ...
Slaves Creed




i will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. i realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Owner and i from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm



i will not try to manipulate my Owner. i will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should



i will keep an open mind about trying things that i am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. i will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.



i will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Owner and will do my best to fulfil Her wishes and desires. i will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, i know that submissive does not equal "doormat"



i will be courteous and helpful to my fellow slaves, i will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope they they will learn from where i have been and i will take the time to help those new to the lifestyle start out on the correct path.



i will be responsive to my Owner, i will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i may assist Her in Her responsibilities as my Authority, i know that Dominants are not telepathic, and will not expect Them to know the thoughts or feelings which i do not share.



i will never think myself a "better" submissive because i choose to submit on a different level than another. i will not be boastful of experiences i have had as a sub. i know that my actions reflect upon my Owner, and will do my best to help others see Her in a positive way, i will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Owner.



Above all, i be a slave with honour, i will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or subhuman. i will take pride in who and what i am, and will never show myself in a negative way
 

Feeling close despite the distance

Of course, Bliss, the most deceptive of all illusions is very likely space.


You know, that thing between "here" and "there" that would have you see yourself alone, instead of as the bridge between them. That medium between you and the rest of the world that disguises your role in creating it. You know, that veil through which the physical senses must explore your chiseled secrets.

See? Aliens are the least of your worries...

Phone home,

The Universe
 
Well this is so appropriate, having spoken with my Master and my love about how we can be together when there is physical distance between us. I even wrote to the Universe expressing my wants. And then this message.
In terms of slavery, it gets a little confusing. I am not certain how to have a Master/slave relationship when this is th same man that I love and am in love with. Confused because although I think a slave can love and be in love with a Master, the Master may not really be in love with the slave. I don't know why I think this. Maybe I could speak with some Masters and slaves to find out their thoughts.  Mmmm yes good idea

My love and my master is away on holiday. It is so odd after all this time on Skype to be talking on the telephone.
Even odder with M staying and I feel I cannot talk so openly. I am worried how she might judge me.

Journeying into slavery

"When love beckons to you, follow him. Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden amongst his opinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden." Kahil Gibran

Mmmmm - somehow this seems relevant in the submission I feel in my role with my Master. It is in direct controversy with my controlling self.

To yield - I know this is empowering. I feel empowered when I yield. It gives me security in myself and I gain that from my role.

That may make no sense at all to anyone reading this unless you already know that I am my Masters slave. Yet within this relationship I have fallen in love and he loves me so there is at times perhaps a confusion in how to be both. I guess this is more learning. How to continue to be my Masters slave whilst also both loving one and other.

When I think of him I can feel him through my body. It starts at root or base chakra and then into the second chakra and then into the solar plexus. The heart chakra feels plentiful.

I think in April I became my Master's slave. I am writing this now so as not to lose the clarity as it fades fast.

I encountered my Master whilst I was already a slave to Senor. My Master seemed well masterly and I felt compelled to speak with him. And just after a few conversations and also yielding willingly to his sexual attention, I asked if he would like me to sit at his feet as his slave for him to see if he liked the role. From there very quickly I was asking Senor if he would loan me ... He agreed first to 4 days and then when this seemed not to be fit in with Master's plans, Senor loaned me for 2 weeks. My Master was then away for the weekend yet managed to make some contact and tell me his requirements. On his return, I sat at his feet a lot and we mainly talked and I met his requirements. I quickly felt my adoration growing and became more willing to meet his requirements.

I am unclear of the order of things and how they escalated but I revealed myself to my Master in different ways - in writing, in photographs and eventually through Skype.

I suppose it is necessary to explain that I had already been captured by Senor maybe a month or two prior to meeting my Master. Quite innocently I was invited by Senor to meet with him, and I accepted his offer. I had met him in passing some days maybe a month earlier.

As I met with him he told me to get on my knees. Fascinated, I did as I was told. After a few days of meeting under such strange circumstances, with no chatting, merely being told his requirements of me, I entered into being his slave willingly.

Senor required me to read the 128 slave rules which I had to find. And then to write the rules that I agreed with or those I found difficult and why. I actually discovered two versions to begin with. I could see how easily I would be able to comply and started to become aware of the pleasure I found in being submissive to Senor.

At first he did not collar me. He did not think it necessary. But as he realised I did not yield to all of his requirements he decided to collar me.

I discovered that I felt safe as slave to Senor. He was not available very often and so required me to undertake my own teaching - this involved sexual acts as well as practicing being submissive with others.

It was through "others" that I met my now Master. In being submissive, I was lent to a learning Dom who was interested in making me do things without consideration and humiliating me. He had taken me to a place where I was required to have sex with a French woman. At this point I was aware of a man sitting quietly observing the scene. I felt some kind of connection with him just knowing he was watching. When he spoke it was very calm and non judgemental. The French girl being satisfied left commenting only that it was good and poufff she was gone.

My Master offered me friendship. .... the rest is history as they say.

Oh except that as the end of the 2 weeks approached I explained to my Master that I really wanted to stay with him. I did feel though a great deal of emotional discomfort knowing that I was being disloyal in this way to Senor. It is surprising really how entirely the role as a slave has penetrated through me. And so negotiations commenced with me as the messenger between Senor and my Master. It was so strange. Eventually Senor agreed to give me away to my Master. He did not want money. He did try to take me back as my Master cleverly predicted but my Master had already been prepared and so stopped the possibility.

I really know that it has value for me as a person.....

Senor had taught me that there could be no bad feelings for any reason. If I so much as mentioned a bad feeling, he would remind me that it was not permitted and then would change the situation with immediate effect. Unless of course I could change the feeling myself. If I felt bad enough that I had caused him inconvenience, I was of course able to alter my feeling.

I can see how this serves a valuable purpose.

I also see how easy I developed a devotion and love for Senor to begin with but more wholesomely with my Master. He takes care of me and is loving in every decision he makes for me. In return I have developed love and respect.

Mainly with sexual requirements - I am to be available at all times and when I remind myself f this or am reminded I am instantly aroused anyway. The arousal has developed through a sort of conditioning I think. This I will not go into detail about but suffice to say I undertake the requirements of me, which become an arousal. The simply to be reminded I am open and available. My Master is masterful at ensuring I am very satisfied when taking my availability to him. And so I feel even more conditioned and my willingness to be available is complete.

Where I am today?
Well I love to be my Master's slave. We are however, more than slave and Master. I know at all times I am my Master's slave but I forget as I am learning. My own everyday insecurities and inadequacies for example have been triggered as a result of how my Master is. And forgetting my position as well as us negotiating how we are in our relationship has resulted in me forgetting how to be. Negotiating, disagreeing etc.
I have had bed feelings. Thankfully my Master is patient and tolerant with me and probably because he also loves me.
I am very thankful to my Master for the way he is with me whilst he is teaching me to be his slave.

Of course this is only one element of me so I hope to try and gain some clarity about all of this as I continue to write to you here.
Bliss
x