Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

The Fixer

That's me, the fixer. Sometimes at least.
Where do I begin so that I record this.


Before I do, I want to write about my dream. I think it was the last dream before I woke up this morning. And I woke around 4am.
The order of the dream is now somewhat muddled, well the early stages of the dream. There was point when I was with my mum who was very ill and dying. She looked much younger than her age at her death in reality. She knew she was very ill and so did we all, my dad and I. For some reason I went off with my dad. I can't describe easily where we were. In my dream it was unfamiliar too. It was a sort of marshy wood and there was a wooden cabin that we were going towards. I would describe it now as a sort of Tardis. As we approached it I felt anticipation and anxiety but it was inevitable I was going in. I felt terror throughout the dream. I was terrified of my dad. I was being nice because I was trying to outsmart him, which I knew in my heart of hearts was impossible. However, I was people-pleasing. He was smarmy. There was another man there too. I was also wary of him. I know this was a dangerous environment but my dad was stopping from getting to mum and I had to play along if I was ever going to see her again. And yet I knew I was never going to get to see her again because of my dad. And then he was getting closer and closer. Little tormenting gestures, innuendos were increasing and his look was repulsing me. Inappropriate touches here and there. I woke out of the dream when we were still in the cabin and I was trying to persuade him and then becoming more insistent on getting to see mum. I kept asking when will we leave. He kept finding little tasks to do in the cabin. and we were in a more confined space when I woke up and immediately had to get up. I went back to bed and fell asleep. On waking up the next time I had initially forgotten he dream and then it slowly started creeping back. More and more detail.
I wanted to vomit and wanted to tear my skin off. And then I just didn't want to leave my flat. I have of course. I knew I had. to.


I needed to record that for myself. Why? Because I do forget that things were real and not okay. I tend to think I've exaggerated things and even think I've made them up at times. The very physicality of the wakeful state is a reminder that things were never really okay.


Moving on and The Fixer.
How often I say that something isn't right for me and feel terrible that someone is affected. Of course people are affected people all the time but it's not my responsibility. Yet I take on a sense of deep guilt and shame. And then I need to fix them and/or fix me.


The feeling of guilt was so intense I just couldn't sit still. I wanted to distract myself because studying required focus and all I could do was continuously wander in my thoughts. Thank goodness I was aware of this and distracted for a while, nothing unhealthy, just tittle tattle nonsense her and there. Eventually I was able to bring my attention into my books and very interesting it was. Then a lovely walk in the afternoon sunshine BUT wit some background noise thoughts, constantly whirring over and over. I went to a meeting and that arrested the whirring for a while. And then sleep but the next morning was ablast with damnation and hell.
As Shakespeare said in his play Macbeth " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."t is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


I had left this post alone and so won't continue it now. I've lost my thread. But post it for record sake.
I need my HP to iiude me from this fixer role in all it's guises. Glad to be shown, as it gives me the opportunity to change.
I get irritated by fixers too

Bliss
XX

Grey Areas

I have a grey area and the Universe suggests avoiding them. This grey area concerns abstinence and what constitutes abstinence. This relates to my work and also within my recovery programme.
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
XX